Spoof Trek: Frogger
by The Cheshire Cheese
Summary: A series of "Voyager" parodies, spoofing individual episodes. Captain Myway-or-the-Highway leads her crew on a cosmic game of Frogger, battling the Bored Collective, flagellant Cargassian spies, "Star Wars" fans, and their own limited intelligence. (Humor done in the style of "Airplane," Mel Brooks, Monty Python, and cartoonish comedies in general.)
1. Caretaker

**A/N: I do not own "Star Trek: Voyager."  
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**Most of these spoofs are based on parodies I wrote years ago, in high school (2004-2007). They are cleaned-up, funnier versions of those parodies.  
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**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>SPOOF TREK: FROGGER<strong>

**Episode 1: "Banjo Man**"  
><strong>(Spoofing "Caretaker," Season 1)<strong>

**Summary: **_Two crews—one Star Freak, one Mosquito—must work together, in the dawn of another Trek spinoff! _

[_The scene opens with Trek's famous special effects. A page from a Scientific American magazine serves as the amazing space backdrop. Two ships on strings battle (and wobble) as explosion sound effects are provided by an unseen 6th-grader with a microphone. A floating paragraph scrolls down, as kazoos blast dramatic music_.]

**FLOATING PARAGRAPH**:  
>It is a period of unrest in the galaxy. Renegades of the Star Freak alliance have picked a fight with the Cargassians, the cruelest and most disgusting creatures in the universe, for the sake of starting another space-war to spice up the Trek saga. Calling themselves the Mosquitoes, they consider themselves to be fighting for freedom against action-less, techo-babble-based Sci-Fi. But to the Cargassians and the United Federation of Freaks, they are pests…<p>

**Cargassian Captain**: Mosquito ship! Surrender, or suffer the consequences!

[_Commander Chevrolet is silent, but the look on his face says it all: "suck my balls." He picks up the remote and turns off the view screen. Chevrolet and his crew-7 or 8 scoundrels in tattered jeans, and bomber jackets, and sexy boots- fight to fire back at the Cargassians, steer the ship, and in one case, screw in a light bulb. _]

**Cargassian Captain: **Fire one!

**FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! **  
>[<em>The long, disgusting blast of Cargassian gas sends the tiny Mosquito ship spinning like a football, into an odd nebula of what seems to be pink yogurt. <em>]

**Chevrotet: **B'Zooka, get the photon-tortillas back online so we can fire back! Tuvacca, where the hell are we, Candy Mountain? [_A huge strawberry bounces off the ship's window_.]

**Tuvacca: **[_Wearing a fake mustache-and-sunglasses disguise_] "You're cow" in Spanish? That is the best spoof name they could come up with for me? …Anyway Boss, we seem to have been cast into a nebula of pink pudding, the Cargassians block the only escape, an alien vessel is about to spirit us away from the Alpha Quadrant forever, and I'm a Vulcan, with nothing interesting to say.

**Chevrolet: **….Frak.

(_A huge flash of light blinds the Mosquitoes, ending the scene_.)

* * *

><p><strong>EARTH: JAIL<strong>

**Warden: **All right prisoners, fall in!

**Tim Parsnip: **Hoh-kay! [_Pretends to fall down, and laughs_]

**Warden: **That's five stupid jokes in five minutes Parsnip. In the box!

[_Tim is tossed into a large wooden box, with a crescent-shaped window on the door. As soon as the warden is gone, there comes a knock at the door_.]

**Parsnip: **[_Poking his head out the window_] What do you want—HOLY hair…

**Captain Myway: **[_Wearing her infamous Season 1 bun. _] Hello Mr. Parsnip. I am Captain Kathryn Myway, or the highway, star—uh, captain—of the U.S.S. Frogger. My Vulcan sidekick disappeared with a Mosquito ship and I hoped you might help us find him. The captain of this Mosquito ship is a tree hugger named Chevrolet. I hear-talk you may be acquainted with him?

**Parsnip: **Chevrolet… I won that game of Fizzbin fair and square dammit! The game's not that complicated! Ooo I'll make him pay! –If there's something in it for me that is.

**Myway: **A free ticket out of that box, and a regular part on the newest Trek series.

**Parsnip: **…and my oldest high school rival in shackles? I'm in!

* * *

><p><strong>SPACE STATION: FREAK SPACE NINE<strong>  
>[<em>Tim Parsnip is meeting Ensign Fairly Dim, at Corkscrew's bar. Nearby, Corkscrew the Ferarri is drying a mug. <em>]

**Ensign Fairly Dim: **Nice to meet ya, Tim Parsnip! So, we're the two young rookies for this new series! And you're the cocky flyboy…I guess that makes me the dweeb…

[_Corkscrew's big ears perk up at the word "dweeb." He grins deviously, then darts over to Dim_.]

**Corkscrew: **[_Speaking 100 words a minute_] Sorry to interrupt Wanna buy a souvenir for the parents before you take off? Couldn't help overhearing you're new 'dweeb' You know that makes you about ten times more annoying and ten times more likely to be killed off in the first five minutes of the show How about a lovely stolen Clingon credit-card for Mom and Dad to remember you by? No? What about some funky jewelry-

**Fairly Dim: **[_Sinking back into his seat, terrified_]

**Corkscrew: **…from the Gama Quadrant-what else have I got in here…a box of Molly O'Brien's girl-scout cookies…I've also got this crazy hookah I nipped from the "Star Wars" universe-

**Tim Parsnip: **Aren't you in the wrong Trek series? [_Folds arms_.]

**Corkscrew: **[Narrows eyes at Tim] Uh…T'hehe…[_Looks around nervously, then bolts. _]

**Dim: Wow, you got rid of that hustler! You pretty cool Tim.**

* * *

><p><strong>U.S.S. FROGGER—SICKBAY<strong>

**Dr. Crewmen: **[_Snarl_] I hate you Regulars. You get to die as many times as you want and always come back to life, like Kenny on "South Park." I'll take my bitterness out on the delinquent who killed three crewmen in the Academy!

**Fairly Dim: **[_to Tim_] You did what?

**Parsnip: **[_To Dr. Crewmen_] What do you want? You guys are fragile. All it takes is one little exploding console, and poof! You're easier to kill than Storm Troopers! C'mon Fairly, we have to meet the captain.

[_They leave the enraged and ill-fated doctor, and go to the bridge. _]

**Dim: **Reporting for du-du-…duuu?

**Myway: **Ensign, at ease before you sprain something.

**Dim: **Captain, what massive hair you have…I-I mean yes sir—ma'am—uh, Captain?

**First Officer, Commander Crewmen: **We are entering the pudding nebula, Captain. It's-sure-bumpy-

[_The ship is beginning to bounce and shake_]

**Myway: **Bumpy? Oh no! The only thing that kills more crewmen than an exploding counsel is…

**Bumpety-bumpety-FLASH OF LIGHT! **

[_Everyone who has not been given a name is now dead. _]

**Myway: **[_Pushing herself up from the floor_] …a battle or space-anomaly that makes the ship bumpy and shaky. That's the only thing that kills more crewmen than exploding counsels.

**Dim: **[_Typing furiously with his pointer fingers_] Captain, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore! We've been thrown to the other side of the galaxy! OW! And I've sprained my pointer from all this typing.

**Parsnip: **Sickbay. Come on.

**SICKBAY**

**Parsnip: **Ding, dong, the doctor's dead! Computer, activate Emergency Regular Character.

[_The E.R.C. materializes. _]

**E.R.C**: Call me Doc, or The Doctor. As my programming commands, I will try to save any injured person, regardless of their odds of survival. So I'll help these nameless crewmen.

**Tim Parsnip: **Nice to meetcha', The Doctor.

[_Everyone besides The Doctor is suddenly beamed away. _]

**The Doctor: **Aaaall right then. [_Pulls out a Trek magazine and unfolds a poster of 7 of 9_.] Sigh, three more seasons to go...

* * *

><p><strong>HOLOGRAPHIC FARM<strong>

**Myway: **Dim, are you sure we're not in Kansas?

[_Hillbillies dance a circle around the crew, while an old guy plays a banjo_.]

**Dim: **According to my tricorder, we're inside a holo-creation of a hillbilly cookout party, but we're really on an alien vessel. And we're still light years away from home.

**Parsnip: **So, what you're saying is….there's food here.

[_Parsnip, Dim, and Myway exchange a glance, then run to the house to raid the 'fridge_.]

**Myway: **Corncakes, please let there be corncakes…[_Throws open the refrigerator door_] What in Q's name…?

[_The refrigerator is a doorway to an alien laboratory! The Mosquito crew lies on rows of tables, wearing nothing but some tiny blankets covering their privates_.]

**Myway: **Tuvacca! He's alive! The entire crew seems to be prisoners in some alien laboratory… Are they all restrained to those tables with some advanced alien technology?

**Banjo Man: **[_Popping up behind her_.] Nope. They're just scared ta' move, or those blankets will fall off and you'll lose your G-rating. Heeere's yer sign! [_He tosses Myway a sign which reads, "I'm Stupid." _]

[_One flash of light later, the Star Freaks are in the same position as the Mosquitos. One commercial break later, they're back on their ship. On the view screen is a vast and complex alien Array, built from massive marshmallows and toothpicks_.]

**Parsnip: **So apparently, Captain, this alien had the courtesy to return us to our exact stations with all our clothes back on, but forgot to return Ensign Dim.

**Myway: **Wha-? D'oh. Is that blood-sucking Mosquito crew awake? Hail them. [_They do. _] Commander Cadillac!

**Chevrolet: **Chevrolet. [_Drumming fingers impatiently_.]

**Myway: **One of our crewmembers is still on that Array thing,

**Chevrolet: **For real? Ours too. Our engineer, B'Zooka Tourguide.

**Myway: **Really? Huh. Well come aboard, let's have some coffee or something. Bring some crewmen.

[_Chevrolet, Tuvacca, and Crewmen Tito beam aboard. Chevrolet and Tuvacca are armed with phaser-rifles; the crewmen has a squirt-gun_.]

**Myway: **Tuvacca, it's good to see you alive old friend.

**Tuvacca: **I may as well inform you, Commander Chevrolet. I'm a spy for Star Freak. I thought you'd ought to know. [_Removes his sunglass disguise-with style. No one notices_.]

**Chevrolet: **Helloooo Parsnip.

**Parsnip: **'Sup Chevrolet. Still soar about losing you're Pokemon deck to me in that high-school Fizzbin tournament?

**Chevrolet: **Tim. Still soar about me dumping you right before 'Prom for my new girlfriend, Salsa?

[_Tim Parsnip lunges at Chevrolet. Myway steps between them_.]

**Myway: **[_Hastily changing the subject_.] So Mr. Chevrolet, interesting tattoo! Let me guess, um, a butterfly?

**Chevrolet: **[Stare]

[_The awkward silence is broken when a bizarre creature leaps down from nowhere and, wagging its tail, crushes them all in a hug_.]

**Cakemix: **Oh muy muy, mesa Cakemix! My no thinkin' you should all be fighting and trying to kill each other. Let's all be bestest-best friends! Let's sing; I love yoooou, you hate meee, wesa one happy familyyyy…

**Myway: **[_Crushed voice_] Fine—release us—and we're all friends.

**Cakemix: **Okey-day!

Myway: /b [_Re-adjudging her huge hair_] Now then, we need to find our missing people.

**Cakemix: **Oooh! Let's start with mesa girlfriend, Keish. She's on da planet Oompa-Loompa, and that's where yousa missing friends probably are. They'sa probably being held by the Banjo Man. He's the big boss of all the Oompa-Loompas. Let's go! [More tail wagging]

[_Chevrolet raises his large gun at Cakemix, but Myway reluctantly stops him_.]

**Myway: **All right. Mr. Chevrolet and I will have a world with this Banjo Man, since we've both had crewmembers captured by him. Someone will have to stay aboard Frogger and keep an eye on Mr. Cakemix here…

**Parsnip: **[_Quickly_] Captain I want to help Fairly, he's my only friend. Let me come with you.

**Myway: **All right. Tuvacca, you have the bridge. And the….that thing. [_Gestures to Cakemix_.]

[_Myway, Chevrolet, and Parsnip beam away_.]

**Cakemix: **Oh this is great Mr. Vulcan! We can stay up late, swap manly stories, and in the morning, I'm makin' waffles!

**Tuvacca: **….

* * *

><p><strong>BACK ON THE FARM: <strong>

[_Myway, Parsnip, and Chevrolet approach Banjo Man_.]

**Myway: **Banjo Man, we'd like a word with you! Now, I don't know what kind of idiotic experiment calls for dragging our ships light-years from our homes, sticking us on a cartoonish stereotype of a farm that would make any real farmer face-palm, and kidnapping two of our crewmembers. But I demand that you put a stop to all of it!

**Banjo Man**: Ooooh, so my project is idiotic? Tell me Captain, what was your last mission from Star Freak?

**Myway**: Well to, to capture Mr. Chevrolet and his crew. [_Mutters to Chevrolet_.] Nothing personal.

**Banjo Man: **Uh-huh. And you were doing it with the slickest, most high-tech ship, that has…how many brig cells again? Oh that's right, ONE. Where were you planning on puttin' all them Mosquito crewmen once you captured them, Captain?

[_Chevrolet and Parsnip stare at Myway, whose mouth drops opened and closed in shock. _]

**Banjo Man: **Hehehe. Heeeeere's yer sign!

**FLASH! **  
>[<em>The three are back on Frogger's bridge. Myway looks down to see that she is holding another "I'm Stupid" sign<em>.]

**Cakemix: **Mr. Vulcan and I are best friends now!

[_Cakemix tosses confetti into the air. He and Tuvacca are wearing party hats. On Tuvacca's consol sits a cake full of candles, with "Bestest Best Friends Day!" written on it in frosting. Tuvacca looks un-amused. _]

**Myway:**Well Banjo Man was no help. Guess we'll have to find our missing people ourselves.

* * *

><p><strong>PLANET OOMPA-LOOMPA: UNDERGROUND<strong>

**Fairly Dim: **I don't remember being sent to a hospital, or getting these huge bug bites. They look like giant mosquito bites—Oh my god! [_Points at B'Zooka. _] You're a Mosquito! You bit me, didn't you! But you're also a Clingon, so if you bit me, then maybe you want to mate…but I don't think I'm dressed for a date. I need a tie, or at least some pants…

**B'Zooka Tourguide: **We've been abducted by aliens, you idiot. Obviously they tried some grotesque experiment on us that gave us all these giant warts.

**Fairly Dim: **…Oh.

**B'Zooka: **Well come on! Let's get out of here before they try to give us anal probes. [_She grabs the confused ensign by the arm and pulls him out the door of the hospital_.]

**Oompa-Loompan Nurse: **Wait a minute, the Banjo Man didn't authorize that—

[_B'Zooka grabs her with her free arm and flips her over, into the opposite wall_.]

**Oompa-Loompa Nurse: **[_Quietly_] Have it your own way.

* * *

><p><strong>PLANET OOMPA-LOOMPA: THE SURFACE<strong>

**Cakemix: **This is a desert planet, and it's swarmin' with ugly alien gangsters who capture pretties like us for slaves.

**Parsnip: **Cough Tatooine, Cough-he-hem rip-off.

[_The gang is suddenly surrounded by a gang of men with salad krutons for heads. _]

**King Kruton III: **"Rip-off" is correct, sir! We are the Krutons, and we do NOTHING original! We roam desert planets terrorizing the natives, just like the Sand People from "Star Wars;" we capture beautiful women and enslave them, until they agree to marry us, just like Disney villains; and now, we wish to rip-off your alien technology! Give it to us, or we shall destroy you all!

**Cakemix: **Don't worry everybody! Messa get us out of this mess!

[_He points a phaser at the Kruton leader. He pulls the trigger, and a tiny flag that says "Bang!" pops out_.]

**Cakemix: **Um….

[_A huge fight breaks out between the Krutons and our heroes. While they shoot and punch each other, a blonde woman with pointed ears, dressed like Tinkerbell, emerges from the Kruton's house with a push-broom. This is KIESH. As they fight, she sweeps away the blood and severed limbs. She also sings_:]

**Kiesh: **_Some daaay my prince will come, some daaaay he'll find me…._

**King Kruton: **[_Covering his ears_] Stop that, slave! I said no singing! NO SINGING!

**Kiesh: **_IIIIII know you, I walked with you once, upoooon a dreeeeeam….IIIII knoooow yoooou, that gleam in your eeeeyes is so familiar a gleam_…[Dancing with her broom.]

**Krutons: **STOP! STOP! NO MOOOORE! GAAAAA….

[_As Kiesh sings, all of the Krutons' heads explode or crumble away, like "Raiders of the Lost Ark." The heroes stare at Kiesh_.]

**Kiesh: **My people have powerful telepathic abilities, which I'm only beginning to explore. But there's no time to talk! Follow me down to Oompa Loompa city, and we'll find your friends!

**Myway: **[_Tapping her smiley-faced com. Badge_] Myway to Crewman Wilson, beam us all to the center of the planet.

**Crewman Wilson: **Ay Captain. Six to beam down! Let's see now, which button do I press here? Maybe thi—YAAAAA! [_A zapping sound is heard as Crewman Wilson is fried_.]

**Myway: **[_Sigh_] Expendables. Tuvacca, remind me to find us some recurring characters to handle our technical situations, so we don't have this problem every five minutes.

**Kiesh and Cakemix: **[_Exchange a glance_.]

**THE CAVES! **  
>[<em>Kiesh leads the gang down ancient fire escapes, though rocky tunnels. <em>]

**Kiesh: **Don't touch this force-field. We've been told it will burn your skin off.

[_Tim Parsnip shoves Cakemix into the force field. Cakemix comes out blackened and smoking, but otherwise unharmed_.]

**Parsnip: **Must've been exaggerating. It doesn't look so baAAAA! [_He's been shoved forward though the force field, from behind_.]

**Chevrolet: **Ha ha!

**Fairly Dim: **Help us! We're up here on the fire escape! I'm badly injured! I don't think I'll make it much longer. If only I had some Clingon blood in me!

**B'Zukka Tourgide: **He scraped his knee.

[_The group hurries up the fire escape to save Tourguide and Dim. But just as they get close, the cave begins to shake and tremble, and rocks start falling from the ceiling!_]

**Myway: **What on Earth-?

[_Everyone looks around, until they see someone down below. It's Indiana Jones, standing next to an empty pedestal, holding a little gold statue_.]

**Indiana Jones: **[_Adjusting his hat_] Sorry 'bout that, [_Runs from the cave. A boulder falls and starts to roll after him_.]

**Myway: **[_Rolls her eyes and groans. _] Come on everyone! Up to the surface, before we're all killed.

[_They all run up the stairs, but a bunch of rocks fall onto Chevrolet, knocking him down_.]

**Chevrolet: **AH SH%T F$*K DAMMIT GAHAHAAAD-DAMN THAT F*&^5ING HURTS—I mean…my leg is broken. I can't move.

[More rocks fall, breaking the fire escape. Chevrolet is now dangling from the balcony, like Mufassa!]

**Chevrolet: **Go on without me!

**Myway, Tuvacca, Cakemix and Kiesh: **Okay! [_Run up the fire escape_.]

**Chevrolet: **…

[_Suddenly, the Indiana Jones theme trumpets from nowhere. Tim Parsnip swings down from a rope, and lands next to Chevrolet_.]

**Parsnip: **My name's Tim Parsnip, I'm here to rescue you! [_Hooking his arm around Chevrolet_.] I can see the slash-fanfics already…

**Chevrolet: **Oh shut up. Why are you even helping me? We hate each other.

**Parsnip: **True. On the other hand, if I save your life, your butt belongs to—WOW you're heavy—Woops.

**Chevrolet: **AAAAAaaaaa….

**THE SURFACE: **  
>[Tim climbs out of the pothole and joins Myway, Tuvacca, Kiesh, and Cakemix. A minute later, Chevrolet climbs up too.]<p>

**Chevrolet: **Either the Great Spirit put that giant trampoline right under me, or I just have great luck because I'm going to be a regular major character on a big-shot TV series.

**Myway: **Hmm…[_Stroking a phantom beard_.]

* * *

><p><strong>ABOARD FROGGER: <strong>

**Myway: **I need to have a word with this Banjo Man. I've got to get him to send us back home! Chevrolet, while I'm doing that, can you hold off those Krutons?

**Chevrolet**: With pleasure! If we get stuck out here for good, something tells me my opportunities to kick ass will be few and far between…

[Myway and Tuvacca beam aboard the Array, into the barn. Banjo Man is there, playing his banjo.]

**Myway: **He-EM.

**Banjo Man: **Oh, you. What do you want, another sign?

**Myway: **My security officer told me an interesting theory about you, Banjo Man. For reasons that weren't funny enough for this Parody Author to spend time on, Tuvacca here believes that you're planning to die soon, and that you're capturing aliens because you're looking for a mate.

**Banjo Man: **[_Stops playing his banjo_.] It's true, Captain Myway. I'm an advanced alien, and my race destroyed the Oompa Loompa's home world. We were trying to make some cool crop circles, but…you know how when you're carving out a cool picture, one thing isn't quite right, so you take off a little more, and that makes it worse, so you take off some more…well soon we'd taken off all the vegetation on the planet. We turned their world into a desert. Now I'm searching for a mate, so I can produce offspring to take my place in caring for the Oompa Loompa.

**Myway: **I understand, that makes sense. Oh wait, no, it doesn't make any sense at all, Banjo Man! First of all, if you might die, why did you only leave a 5-year supply of food for the Oompa Loompas? Yeah, they live short lives, but five years for them is still only one generation. Why not a 50-year supply?

**Banjo Man: **Well I uh…guess I never thought about…

**Myway: **And if you're powerful enough to drag ships from across the galaxy, why not just lift all the Oompa Loompas up from this desert wasteland and send them to a nice green world, far away from any hostile neighbors?

**Banjo Man: **Well I, I …

**Tuvacca: **[_Raises and eyebrow at Myway, impressed_.]

**Myway: **Oh, and one more thing. If you're looking for a mate to produce offspring, when why are you kidnapping males?

[_Banjo Man's head is shaking, like he might short-circuit any minute. Smoke rises from his ear_s.]

**Myway: **Heeeeere's your sign! [_She tosses back the "I'm Stupid!" sign he gave her_.]

[_Banjo Man melts into a blob of purple Jell-O. Then that Jell-O turns into a potato. Myway picks up the potato, and examines it curiously. She and Tuvacca exchange glances_.]

**Myway: **Okaaaay.

_[She carelessly tosses the potato behind her. It hits a red button on the wall_.]

**COMPUTER: **Thank you for pressing "Self Destruct." This Array will self-destruct in 15 minutes.

**Myway: **[_Frozen, with an oh-crap expression_.]

**Tuvacca: **Smooth, captain.

* * *

><p><strong>MEANWHILE: <strong>  
>[<em>Chevrolet is flying his ship, battling the Krutons<em>.]

**Chevrolet: **Chevrolet to Frogger: Tim, tell one of your cracker Star Freak officers to keep a lock on me. When I say "Now," have them beam me back up!

**Parsnip: **Sure.

[_Chevrolet drives his ship in a collision course for the Kruton ship_.]

**Chevrolet: **Now!

[In Frogger's transporter room, Crewman #35 presses a button to beam Chevrolet up. The button zaps her, killing her.]

**Chevrolet: **[_Over the com_.] I said now! Now! NOW!

[Tim quickly runs over to the consol and beams Chevrolet up, just as the Mosquito ship explodes. Chevrolet appears, blackened and smoking, and looking none-too-happy.]

**Parsnip: **The Captain's thinking about getting some recurring characters for these situations…

* * *

><p><strong>LAST SCENE: <strong>  
>[<em>Everyone is on the bridge, except for Cakemix and Kiesh, who are nowhere to be seen, and The Doctor, who is in Sickbay<em>.]

**Myway: **…and that's how Tuvacca made me destroy our only way home.

[No one looks convinced.]

**Myway: **[_Clears throat_] But ah…but we'll find another way home. And our two crews will work together. Mr. Chevrolet, what would you say to letting your Mosquito crew become part of my Star Freak crew, and you my First Officer?

**Chevrolet: **Pfft, yeah right.

**Myway: **Or you can all cram into that one brig cell for the next 75 years. And Tim Parsnip will be your guard.

**Chevrolet: **So…which chair's mine, Boss?

**Myway: **[_Smiles, triumphantly_.]

**Tuvacca: **Captain, we appear to have two stowaways. [_He opens a closet nearby, and Kiesh and Cakemix fall out_.]

**Cakemix: **Captain, let us come with you! Yousa gonna need a cook, I can cook!

**Kiesh: **You need recreation? I grow all kinds of exotic plants that will make the journey much more fun! Please don't send me back to Oompa Loompa, I spent my whole live under ground. I want to explore the galaxy, and learn about the world above_….watch and you'll seeeee…soooon I will beeeee…paaart oooof yoooour wooooorl….! _

**Myway: **[_Slowly rolls eyes, and drops her face into a double-face-palm_.] Q help me… [_She regains her composure, and turns to face her entire new crew. _] All right everyone. It looks like we have a new crew, and our first episode is almost finished. Time for my inspirational start-of-the-series speech.

[_She walks around the bridge. Everyone listens intently. Except B'Zooka who's snoring, Cakemix who's standing there with a stupid expression, and Tuvacca who has his usual I'm-a-Vulcan-who-couldn't-care-less expression_.]

**Myway: **We're alone, in an uncharted part of the galaxy (thanks to an unfortunate series of events which have nothing whatsoever to do with me). We've already made some friends here… [_Looks at Cakemix and Kiesh, and sighs_]…and some enemies.

Our characters are not well developed yet; our current villains are pathetic; and three years from now the fans will probably look back at our current hairstyles and laugh. But we'll get better. We'll find a way home. We'll be looking for more powerful Banjo Aliens. And we'll be looking for wormholes. New technology that can help us. We'll find better villains to fight. We may even get better new characters, to replace some of the bland ones we have right now….  
>[<em>Kiesh looks around, nervously.<em>]  
>…But our goal is clear. Even at maximum warp, the studio will force us to be lost for at least a seven-year-long series. We'll jump from conflict to conflict in each episode, as we make our way home, with some great leaps forward and some sad setbacks. In fact, you could even think of it as a cosmic game…of Frogger!<p>

[_Everyone stares, awed. Even snoring B'Zooka opens one eye in interest_.]

**Fairly Dim: **[_Whispers to the Mosquito crewman next to him_] I love Frogger!

**Myway: **Mr. Parsnip, set a course…for home.

**_THE END OF THE BEGINNING...!_  
><strong>


	2. Scorpion

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

**Centipede**

**(Spoofing "Scorpion," Season ¾)**

**Summary: **_Captain Myway forms and alliance with the Bored, to battle a new fearsome enemy!_

**Opening Scene: Outer space**

[_Three massive, cube-shaped ships made from cardboard float in space. These are Cardboard Boxes, the vessels of the Bored Collective_.]

BORED COLLECTIVE: _We are the Bored. Fun and excitement are irrelevant. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile—_

[_The race to whom they were speaking blow up all three Cardboard Boxes, one explosion after another_.]

COLLECTIVE: …_Never mind._

**Next Scene: Captain Myway's Not-Quite Ready Room**

CAPTAIN MYWAY: It boils down to this, everyone. Standing between us and our way home is Bored territory. And there's no dangerous way around it, so our only hope for an interesting episode is to go right through it. Any objections?

[_The senior staff responds as usual: B' Zooka Tourgide rolls her eyes at Myway's stupidity; Lt. Tuvacca looks at the captain like she's crazy; Commander Chevrolet glances up from his copy of Deep Space News, barely interested; Tim Parsnip and Fairly Dim fly a paper starship back and forth; Cakemix is snoring; Keish holds a cigarette lighter under the table, and uses her mental powers to play with the fire; and The Doctor is muttering something sarcastic_.]

CAPTIAN MYWAY: Excellent! Dismissed.

**The Bridge**

FAIRLY DIM: Captain, I'm picking up something strange,

CAPTAIN MYWAY: What are you reading Ensign?

FAIRLY DIM: I'm reading "Harry Potter" again, but that's not important right now. On these sensors I'm picking up a Cardboard Box! Wait—two Cardboard Boxes! Three….Six…[_Pulls out a calculator, and does some quick math while still watching his consol_]…Seventeen Cardboard Boxes.

CHEVROLET: How about that. Who'd've guessed there'd be Bored vessels in Bored territory.

TIM PARSNIP: They're coming right for us OH MY GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE—

[_The Cardboard Boxes fly right at the starship Frogger…and right through it. All of the Boxes are dead, filled with gigantic, smoking holes_.]

TIM: What…? [_Peaking between his fingers_]Ha! My piloting expertise have saved us once again![_Leans back in his chair and folds his hands behind his neck_.]

[_No one else is paying attention. They're all transfixed at the images on the view screen_.]

CHEVROLET: My God, what could do that to the Bored?

MYWAY: If there's someone in this quadrant powerful enough to devastate the Bored like this, someone has to find out who, and why, even at the risk of their lives! This looks like a job for… [_She bolts up from her chair and rips off her uniform's jacket, revealing a cape and a spandex top with the letters "SF"_] …Star Freak! [_She_ _sits back down, and sips her coffee_.] Chevrolet, take an away team.

**Inside the dead Cardboard Box**

[_Chevrolet, Tuvacca, and Farily Dim beam aboard, with their super-soakers at the ready. They look around the dead cube, and see the remains of Bored life: a huge pile of dead drones, with cyborg implants; board games and thick books about math and economics scattered everywhere; and broken TVs playing episodes of bland shows like "Friends" and "Doug." Once, this cube was alive with Bored activity, but now, the entire cube is dead_.]

FARILY DIM: C-C-Commander, I'm not scared or anything, but I'm kind of tired of dying all the time.

CHEVROLET: You're not gonna die again, Farily, don't be stupid.

**Meanwhile, in Frogger's sickbay**

[_Kiesh is carrying a tray of The Doctor's medical tools (a tricorder, rolls of duct tape, and a spork, if you want to know). Suddenly, she gasps and collapses, dropping the tray_.]

KIESH: They're in danger, The Doctor! I felt a disturbance, as if millions of dweebs cried out at once, and were suddenly silenced…get them out of there!

THE DOCTOR: [_Hits his smily-faced com-badge_] The Doctor to the Bridge! Kiesh just had an Obi-Wan Kenobi moment about the away team! They're in danger!

[_On the bridge, Myway frowns_.]

MYWAY: An Obi-Wan Kenobi moment? But this is Spoof _Trek._ What could cause Kiesh to experience a Spoof _Wars_ trope?

**Back on the Bored Cube, Myway's question is answered…**

FAIRLY DIM: Commander! [_Dim_ _stands before an alien vessel, crashed inside the Bored cube_.] There's a ship inside of this ship! It's like a ship sandwich! Or no, more like a chocolate egg. The Bored are the chocolate, and this thing is the caramel. Green, gooey, alien caramel, that smells like a garbage dump—

CHEVROLET: _ENSIGN! BEHIND YOU! _

[_An alien leaps out of nowhere, and knocks Dim to the ground with a blunt weapon. The alien hisses at the Chevrolet and Tuvacca. The alien's body is made from Jell-O-y C.G.I., and it is wearing a Darth Vader helmet and a T-shirt that reads, "Spoof Wars Rules, Spoof Trek Drools." The weapon it hit Farily with is a plastic light-saber. The away team is beamed away before the creature can do any more damage_.]

**Sickbay: **

[_Fairly Dim lies in a biobed, covered in CGI growths_.]

MYWAY: What have the writers done to the poor dweeb now, The Doctor?

THE DOCTOR: C.G.I., I'm afraid. He was infected with it through the plastic lightsaber. The CGI is taking over his body from the inside out. I've prescribed saltine crackers and Orange Soda for now. But I'm afraid if I can't develop a treatment soon, Mr. Dim will be transformed into a Gungan.

FAIRLY DIM: [_Wimpering_] A what? [_Sips his orange soda_]

B'ZOOKA TOURGIDE: Captain, Chevrolet and I just checked the Bored Collective's status on Twitter. They're calling these aliens species 12345. They're from another dimension—the "Spoof Wars" dimension.

THE DOCTOR: The "Spoof Wars" dimension…of course! That explains it all: The violent passion for blowing things up; their use of corny CGI, instead of corny rubber forehead masks; their interest in Kiesh's Jedi-rip-off mind-powers; and their intense hatred for anything Trek-related.

KIESH: Captain, the aliens have been speaking to me through my mind. They keep saying things like, "Why do all your aliens speak English?" and "Han Solo could beat Captain Flirt while he was still frozen in Carbonite!" Captain, these aliens want to heckle and ridicule our universe until there's nothing left of it! It's not the Bored we should be afraid of, it's them!

**Later, in the Almost-Ready Room**

MYWAY: The Bored on one side, and aliens from another dimension on the other. Who do I turn to for advice, when there are no Star Freak admirals around to give me orders? [_Sips coffee_.]

CHEVROLET: Well there's always Tuvacca and myself, your two best friends. You could also summon up holograms of some Star Freak admirals—

MYWAY: Shut up, I'm talking to my coffee. Now what would Captain Flirt, Pickacard, or Disco do?

CHEVROLET: [_Rolls eyes_] Let's see…[_Ticking the options off on his fingers_] Flirt with every alien woman in sight…Pummel the enemy with Shakespeare sonnets…and talk to a holographic 1960s lounge singer while war rages outside on the space station.

MYWAY: A random, pointless, holodeck program! Of course! Whenever Freak Space Nine was in danger, Captain Disco and his crew went to that 1960s casino program and sang musical numbers! But I think I'm in more of a Renaissance mood right now…

**The Holodeck: Leonardo DiVinci's Study**

[_Myway talks to Leonardo DiVinci, who is played by John Reese Davies, or Gimli from "Lord of the Rings_."]

MYWAY: DaVinci, I have a hypothetical question…if you were, say, the captain of a flying ship in outer space, and that ship ran into a race of robot-people more evil than the Nazis, but you were also under attack by aliens from another realm, what would you do to protect your crew?

DaVINCI: [_Pounds the table_] Never trust an elf!

MYWAY: Never trust an elf. Thanks, Leo, I'll log that high-fantasy racism away. Wait a minute…the dwarves and the elves hated each other…but they teamed up to defeat a greater enemy…You're a genius Leonardo! [_Hugs DaVinci and runs out of the holodeck_.]

**The Ready-For-The-Big-Shock Room**

TIM PARSNIP: An ALLIANCE with the BORED? But—Okay.

[_Everyone leaves the Ready Room, except Myway and Chevrolet_.]

MYWAY: What's the problem, Chevie?

CHEVROLET: Captain, allow me to illustrate my point with a story I heard once as a child, and completely forgot until now. So this fox is going to swim across a river, and he offers the gingerbread man a ride on his back. The gingerbread man says "No way. How do I know you won't eat me?" The fox says, "Why would I do that? I'm a carnivore. I don't eat cookies, I eat meat." The gingerbread man thought about it, and decided, what the hell. So he let the fox carry him across the river. But just as they were halfway across, the fox suddenly exclaimed, "GET IN MA BELLEH!" and ate the gingerbread man. He couldn't help it; it was his nature.

MYWAY: But Chevrolet, we're not gingerbread men. Why would anyone want to eat us?

[_Chevrolet stares at her_.]

**Aboard the Cardboard Box**

[_Myway and Tuvacca beam aboard the Bored vessel, and encounter several Bored drones_.]

MYWAY: I have a proposal. Our doctor has discovered that the Spoof Wars aliens can be beaten back with technobabble. We'll give you that technology, in exchange for safe passage through your space—

BORED: This dialogue is too dramatic for a Bored vessel. All of our communication will now be done telepathically, to make our collaboration as boring as possible.

MYWAY: No! I have a series to hold up! If we're not blowing each other up, we at least need some interesting dialogue to keep this episode going!

[_The Bored aren't listening. They unleash their assimilation-bendy-straws from their hands, and prepare to assimilate Myway and Tuvacca_.]

MYWAY: What about choosing a representative? A single Bored drone, who can talk to us in the most boring way he or she wants to? You did it before, when you transformed Captain Pickacard into Low-IQ-tis of Bored. Do it MY WAY, or the deal's off!

[_The Bored back off. Smoke suddenly erupts from the regeneration alcoves along the back wall. Myway and Tuvacca turn, to see a female drone, asleep at a Bored regeneration desk. She wakes up, yawns, and approaches them menacingly_. _She is particularly frightening looking, with telephone cords running through her head, and a_ _laser- light jetting out of her eye socket._]

TELEPHONE LINE: I am Telephone Line, Tertiary Hardware Junk, Unamatrix MST-3K. But you may call me Telephone Line. I speak for the—_Yawn_—the Bored. We must act quickly; the Spoof Wars aliens have already heckled seven thousand of our vessels into destruction—

[_An echoing voice suddenly demands, "Why would Bored drones have curvy figures like that?" and the vessel shakes, as if it was just hit by a weapon_.]

TELEPHONE LINE: They are attacking this vessel as we speak. We must beam to your ship before this ours is destroyed.

**Meanwhile, on Frogger's bridge**

TIM PARSNIP: [_Drums fingers on his consol, bored_.]

CHEVROLET: [_In the captain's chair, reading a MAD Magazine_.]

TIM PARSNIP: So….how do you think it's going over there? [_Looks back at the view screen, which shows the Cardboard box_.]

CARDBOARD BOX: [_Explodes_.]

TUVACCA: [V.O.] _Tuvacca to Chevrolet…the captain and I beamed into Cargo Bay 2, along with several Bored drones…we require… assistance_.

CHEVROLET: . [_Stands up, puts away magazine, and sighs_.] Okay, better get down there. How about….you….aaaaand….you.

[_Chevrolet and the two nervous crewmen he's picked out head down to the cargo bay, armed with super-soakers_.]

**Cargo Bay 2**

[_Myway and Tuvacca are on the floor, unconscious. The Bored are walking around the room, redecorating: they're putting up Bored tubes and machinery on the walls and ceiling, and screwing in green light bulbs; carrying regeneration desks to the back walls, and stacking them full of math books and economics binders; and setting up little TVs, flipping channels until they find shows worthy of the Bored, like golf games and boring documentaries_.]

TELEPHONE LINE: Lower your weapons. We have an alliance, do we not?

[_Chevrolet stares, frozen in terror. Behind him, a TV showing a golf game falls off a shelf and kills Crewman #1. Crewmen #2 touches one TV antenna curiously, and is electrocuted_.]

**Sickbay**

THE DOCTOR: I've done it! I've cured Ensign Dim! You see Commander, I ingeniously deduced that if we pumped his body with enough Bored technobabble, the boredom would be able to battle off the exciting "Spoof Wars" CGI inside his body. And it worked!

FAIRLY DIM: Thanks The Doctor. I'm sure glad to be alive, and excited to report back for duty.

CHEVROLET: [_Frowns_.] Fairly, you were almost eaten alive by a disease from an alien dimension! Why does your acting sound so…

THE DOCTOR: …Bored? It's a side effect of the Bored technology I used to cure him. It will wear off.

CHEVROLET: Well, anyway, here. [_Dumps Captain Myway onto the biobed that Farily just left_.] I think she was injured when the Bored cube exploded.

THE DOCTOR: Hmm, let me scan her.

[_He carefully lifts the captain off the bed, sticks her into a 1990s Scanner machine, and closes the lid over her. He waits a minute, until the Scanner prints off a sheet of paper. He takes the paper out and looks at it_.]

THE DOCTOR: It's worse than I imagined. [_Takes Myway out of the scanner, and puts her back on the bed_.] The explosion didn't harm her too severely; her hair absorbed most of the shock. But her prolonged exposure to the Bored has put her to sleep. I'll try to devise a treatment with Mountain Dew and some episodes of "Monty Python's Flying Circus." But if I'm not successful, she may never regain consciousness.

MYWAY: [_Peaking awake_.] Chevrolet…[_Yawn_]…you heard the holo-man. If I don't wake up…you have to make this Bored alliance work. Get this crew home. [_Falls asleep, snoring_.]

CHEVROLET: [_Stands there, tense_]

THE DOCTOR: Commander…we've discussed this. Your addiction to breaking the captain's orders, and mutinying against authority. Remember, will power!

CHEVROLET: [_Nodds._] Right, will power. [_Walks out the door_.] Will power. Will power…

[_A few seconds after Chevrolet has left Sickbay, his voice comes over the com_.]

CHEVROLET: [V.O.] _Attention! This is Commander Chevrolet! I have taken control of Frogger, and am ending this Bored alliance! Bored drones, prepare to be blown into space! Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa! _

[_On the bridge, Chevrolet sits back in the Captain's chair, holding a cutlass in one hand, and a tall flag that reads "La Resistance!" in the other. On the view screen, the Bored drones are seen being blown into space. Everyone on the bridge stares at Chevrolet. Chevrolet looks behind him to see The Doctor, looking unimpressed_.]

CHEVROLET: Um…

TIM PARSNIP: [_Holds out a hand_.] He mutinied.

FAIRLY DIM: [_Sighs, and pays Tim five dollars_.]

[_Myway suddenly walks onto the bridge, laughing_.]

MYWAY: Th-Thank you The Doctor! That blue voltage Mt. Dew was AMAZING! And that weird British show you left on TV for me, with the giant cat eating the cars and buil…[_She looks around the bridge. Sees Chevrolet, with his sword and flag, looking guilty. Sees the Bored drones floating in space. Her fists clench and her eyes narrow_.] My ready room. Now!

**The Ready-For-An-Ass-Whooping? Room: **

CHEVROLET: I did it to protect this crew, which you put in jeopardy just to make the episode more interesting!

MYWAY: Well if I didn't make our show more interesting, we'd have no exiting explosions to fight back against the Spoof Wars aliens! And now I find out that you've blown all of our Bored allies into space—

TUVACCA: [_Sticks_ _his head through the doorway_] Not all of them, Captain. Telephone Line held onto her regeneration desk and survived. And she has now sent us into the alien's home dimension, somehow.

MYWAY & CHEVROLET: What?

[_They look out the window, and see a cloudy, orange realm. Action figures and models of every Spoof Wars character, alien and starship spin and float by, some bouncing off the window. A bantha floats by the window, mooing like a cow; two Spoof Wars geeks dressed like Han Solo and slave-bikini Leia float by in a rowboat, and wave hi; and Darth Maul floats by on his speeder for a moment, cape flying behind him, and cackles like the Wicked Witch of the West._]

MYWAY: [_Quickly_] I'm done being mad if you are, Chevrolet. Truce?

CHEVROLET: Truce! [_Shakes her hand_.] Let's get started on a plan.

**Bridge**

MYWAY: Telephone Line, you needn't worry about my First Officer any more. He's grounded. I've sent him to his quarters, with no vision quests or comic books for a week. Will you help us battle these aliens here, in their own realm?

TELEPHONE LINE: Agreed.

KIESH: The aliens are still trying to speak through me, Captain.

[_Kiesh is sitting in Chevrolet's chair. Tim stares at her, with a puzzled look on his face_.]

TIM PARSNIP: Chevrolet, you look different.

MYWAY: Kiesh, tell the aliens that we have enough Bored technology to take all of the excitement out of their saga for a year! And if they don't end their war with the Bored, we'll be forced to use it!

KIESH: They…they say that if we don't surrender…they're going to use the Force on the Spoof Trek writers and…and make them create a PREQUEL series for "Spoof Trek," as bad as the "Phantom Menace!"

TIM PARSNIP: That's impossible! What would they do, have a starship before Captain Flirt's time fighting the Bored and having holodeck malfunctions? Make Jar-Jar Binks the ship's doctor?

KIESH: No Tim, no! You're giving them ideas! [_Grabs her head and screams_.]

MYWAY: Kiesh, tell the aliens that if they don't back down right now, we'll flood them with so much Bored technology that the next Spoof Wars movie will be nothing but flat acting and bland dialogue!

KIESH: ….I told them…they don't believe us…

MYWAY: [_Looks at Telephone, and nods_.]

TELEPHONE LINE: [_Fires the Bored weapons into the alien space_.]

[_Everyone on the bridge listens intently for the results. Then, they hear a transmission from the alien space outside them_:]

TRANSMISSION: "I hate sand Padme. It's so rough and gets everywhere. It's not smooth, like everything here." "Oh Anakin. You're breaking my heart." "Master. I am overwhelmed…"

KIESH: The aliens are screaming for mercy! They're retreating! We won!

[_Frogger is sent back to normal space. Everyone hugs and cheers_.]

TELEPHONE LINE: The Collective interrupts this celebration to inform you that you will be assimilated.

[_She marches over to the pilot's consol. Tim tries to stop her with his Star Freak squirt gun, and fails. He gives his gun a look, and she shoves him out of the way. She sticks her assimilation bendy-straws into the consol_.]

MYWAY: [_Hits smiley face com. Badge_.] Myway to Chevrolet: Centipede.

[_Telephone continues trying to assimilate the ship, when suddenly a water balloon hits her in the face, shocking her out of her Bored trance_.]

CHEVROLET: Telephone Line! You were a little girl once! You used to love childish games like this! [_Tosses another water balloon at her_.]

TELEPHONE LINE: Irrelevant! We are BORED!

CHEVROLET: [_Loading a water balloon the size of a beach ball into a catapault_.] Remember! A little girl…a family…telling dirty jokes! Watching goofy cartoons like "Darkwing Duck" and "Spongebob"! [_Lets the catapult go, showering Telephone with water, making her Bored mechanics spark_.] Telephone Line, your name was Annika HENSON! Your ancestor made THIS show! [_Takes out a TV remote, and turns something onto the view screen_.]

VIEW SCREEN: "It's the Muppet Show! With our very special guest star, Vincent Price! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!"

TELEPHONE NINE: [_Bursts out laughing, until she falls over_ _unconscious_.]

**-STV-**

[_Back in DaVinci's study_.]

MYWAY: I wonder what's left under all that Bored technology. Imagine what a fascinating character we have for our show now! Double points if she turns out to be a babe, and gets us more male viewers.

CHEVROLET: But the collective is all she knows. She may not want to stay with us.

MYWAY: But we have something to offer her that the collective never could…a regular part on a hit sci-fi series!

_**Fin**_


	3. The Gift

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**The Souvenir" **

**(Spoofing "The Gift," Season 4)**

**Summary: **_A new regular is integrated into the crew, while another must be voted off to make room…!_

**SCENE 1: Myway's Let's-Get-Ready-ta-Rumble Room:**

[_Myway is drinking coffee, while reading something on her futuristic laptop_.]

**Myway: **_"C" is for "coffee," that's good enough for meee…_Oh, hello Chevrolet. Look at this. [_She shows him her laptop, which displays Annika Henson's records and photos_.] Our new crewmember was assimilated as a child. And it was basically her parent's fault, for bringing her with them on a dangerous mission. That right there should provide an entire season's worth of angst episodes! Oh, we've hit the jackpot! And Captain Disco thinks _his_ show's got the monopoly on angsty character-arcs.

**Chevrolet: **If we have a new crewmember though, then we'll probably have to lose one. There isn't enough room for ten regulars in every episode.

**Myway:** So? Haven't our writers heard of "Revolving Door Casting?" I mean, "Battlestar Galactica," "Once Upon a Time," "Boardwalk Empire," those shows have a ton of main characters, and they just take turns staring in different episodes.

**Chevrolet: **Those shows won't exist for another ten years. Our writers don't know about that type of casting, Kathryn. If you're planning on keeping Telephone Line around, you'd better start deciding which senior officer to send on a dangerous mission. Unless someone randomly _volunteers_ to leave the ship.

[_He exits the room, leaving the captain with a distressed look on her face_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY<strong>

[_The Doctor and Kiesh are treating Telephone Line, who is unconscious_. _Captain Myway observes_.]

**The Doctor:** So now we'll see what's underneath all of this mechanical armor… [_He peels away chunks of the Bored armor. Underneath is pink skin, and for some reason, a lot of duct tape_.]

**Myway:** Duct tape is what holds a Bored drone together?

**The Doctor: **The Bored settle only for perfection, and duct tape _is_ the strongest material in the universe. Kiesh, get me the medical tricorder please.

**Keish:** Yes, The Doctor. [_The tricorder flies strait into her hand_!] That's odd. The "Spoof Wars" aliens haven't been communicating with me, so why am I still having these Luke Skywalker moments?

**The Doctor:** Hmm, let me scan you. [_He sticks Kiesh head-first into the '90s scanning machine, then releases her and looks at the paper that prints out_.] No wonder your powers are going haywire! Your Mediclorine count is several times the normal amount!

**Myway:** What's the normal amount?

**The Doctor:** Zero! This is "Spoof TREK!" None of us should have _any_ Mediclorines at all!

[_Telephone Line suddenly sits up, and looks at her own body_.]

**Telephone Line: **What have you _done_ to me? Why is my duct tape showing? This is, this is wrong! I need a grown up! Return this drone to the Collective at once!

**Myway:** Please, try to understand. We're only trying to help you recover your indivi—

**Telephone Line: **[_Falls back asleep, snoring loudly_.]

**The Doctor: **[_Scanning her with his tricorder_.] I don't know what's wrong! Perhaps all of that Orange Soda I gave her to fight the Bored technology put her into a sugar coma.

**Keish: **No, The Doctor. I can see the problem. I can see the microscopic activity inside her brain. And I think I can fix it with my new mental powers!

[_Kiesh looks intently inside Telephone Line's head. The camera zooms in, showing us what Kiesh sees. We zoom into Telephone's brain, down into the neurons, where a white blood cell in sunglasses (and voiced by Chris Rock) is battling a Bored nanoprobe in sunglasses (voiced by Lawrence Fishbourne). Kiesh interrupts their kung-fu fight by incinerating the Bored nanoprobe with her powers, making him go out with an agonized squeak, while the baffled blood cell looks on. We zoom back out of Telephone's head, and see her jolted awake.]_

**Telephone Line:** What was that? I just had an image in my mind, related to a strange animated film from the 1990s. And then one of the characters exploded, or something,

**The Doctor:** Excellent work, Kiesh! That weird little scene was exactly what was needed to battle off the Bored technology, and wake her up!

**Myway:** My, Kiesh! Your new powers are making you more interesting than you've been in the last three seasons put together! I'm definitely keeping _you_ on my show—er, ship!

**Kiesh:** [_Cocks her head in confusion_.] Captain?

**Myway:** If you'll both excuse us now, I think I'll have Telephone Line help us out in engineering.

* * *

><p><strong>TUVACCA'S QUARTERS:<strong>

**Kiesh:** Tuvacca, thank you for helping me exercise my mental powers! _And_ letting me play with fire!

**Tuvacca:** Indeed. But do not get overexcited, Kiesh. This is a meditative exercise. I will provide music, to enhance the mood.

[_Tuvacca pulls over a record player, which plays, "I fell iiiinto a burnin' ring o'fire…I went down, down, down…and the flames went higher…"_]

**Kiesh:** I can make the fire grow…I can make it stretch…I can make it dance disco!

[_The flame boobgies while Tuvacca's record player plays "Disco Inferno."_]

**Tuvacca:** Fascinating.

**ENGINEERING:**

**Myway: **Telephone Line will be helping us fix our engines, so we can leave Bored space. And don't let the fact that one of you will likely be replaced by her stop you from getting along! [_Leaves engineering cheerfully_.]

**B'Zooka Tourgide:** Humph. [_Folds arms._]

**Farily Dim: **Heh, why would any of us be worried, except Cakemix? He's the least popular character by _far_. If anyone's getting written out, it's him.

**B'Zooka:** Popularity means nothing, Fairly. Did "Next Generation" lose that obnoxious twit Wesley who no one liked? No, they lost the cool security lady instead. Did Freak Space Nine loose one of Corcksqurew's annoying relatives? Nope, they killed off Fax, the coolest person on the show. It could be any one of us today. [_Shakes head_.] Say your prayers, little dweeb. Say your prayers.

**Fairly Dim:** [_Whimpers, then runs over to Telephone Line, where she's working_.] Uh, hi, how are you! My name is Fairly Dim and I'd love to be your new best friend! Since you're the new star on this show, I figure you're the safest person to be around—

[_Telephone_ _suddenly_ _smacks Fairly, knocking him into the opposite wall with a terrified squeak. Then she begins typing something on a wall panel…_]

**B'Zooka: **What the hell?

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE:<strong>

**Chevrolet:** Captain, the computer's telling me that Telephone Line is trying to contact the Bored!

**Myway:** What? Well don't just sit there, do something!

**Chevrolet:** [_Looks around frantically, then points to Tim Parsnip_] Do something!

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Hits his com. Badge, addressing the entire ship_] DO SOMETHING!

**TUVACCA'S QUARTERS:**

[_By now, Kiesh has her candle-fire flowing in the shape of a hamster running in a wheel, when she and Tuvacca hear Tim over the com._]

**Tuvacca:** I am confused.

**Kiesh:** It's our new drone. She's trying to contact the Collective…I think I can stop her!

**ENGINEERING: **

[_Telephone is still typing on the wall panel. On the screen above her, an image of a Bored cube comes up. She looks satisfied_.]

**Telephone Line:** Bored vessel! This drone has been separated from the Collective. Retrieve it at coordinates—

[_Suddenly, sparks fly from the screen and it goes to static for a moment. When the static clears, it's playing an episode of "Beavis and Butthead."]_

_**Beavis:**__ Number one, I order you to take a number two! _

_**Butthead:**__ Aye-aye, Captain_!

[_Telephone stares at the screen, as her Bored implants begin to spark and smoke. Then she is blasted across the room, smacking into the opposite wall, next to Fairly. She is now laughing uncontrollably_.]

**Telephone:** HAHAHAH-N-N-No! Mustn't—laugh—we—are—Bo-Bo—HAHAHAHAHAH….

**Fairly Dim:** [_Wrinkles his nose, looking back and forth between Telephone and the screen._] It's not _that _funny. Just an load of swear words and sex jokes if you ask me.

* * *

><p><strong>THE BRIG:<strong>

[_Down in the lowest levels of the ship, Telephone Line paces impatiently, inside a large wooden box. The box is opened, and Myway steps inside, accompanied by two security crewmen_.]

**Myway:** Do you understand why you're in The Box, Telephone Line? You did a very bad thing. You could have gotten us all assimilated! Look at this. [_Holds up a picture of a little blonde girl_.] Do you recognize this girl? Her name was Annika Henson. She had a mother and a father. She loved watching her ancestor's Muppet movies. Who were her friends? Which was her favorite My Little Pony? I'm offering you a change to be Annika again—

**Telephone:** …IRRELEVANT! [_Smacks the picture away_.]

**Myway:**—and have a regular part on a hit TV series.

**Telelphone:** [_Fumes for a minute, then considers the offer_.] ….A regular character?

**Myway:** You'll be in every episode! You'll have your own story arcs, they'll make a Christmas ornament out of you, and 15-year-old nerds will hang your posters above their beds!

**Telephone: **…and it's really a hit TV series?

**Myway:** [_Shrugs_] Among nerds anyway! …well maybe it's more of a Cult Classic…it's got fans…

**Telephone:**…..your proposal is…acceptable.

**Myway: **YES! Myway strikes again! –I mean, ah, welcome to the family, Telephone Line.

**Telephone:** I am grateful you were able to make room for me.

**Myway:** Make roo—? Oh! [_Smacks forehead_] No room for ten regulars…..how're we gonna do this….. [_Myway paces around the box, rubbing her hands together frantically_.]

**Telephone Line:** When a Bored vessel becomes overcrowded, the drones vote off the Weakest Link of the unit, and devour it with Ranch dressing.

**Myway:** [_Snaps her fingers_] That's it!

* * *

><p><strong>LATER, ON THE BRIDGE: <strong>

[_All of the nine regulars are present, plus Telephone Line. Telephone now looks mostly human, with blonde hair and a silver catsuit. There are only a few metal implants visible on her body, including a piece over her eye that is shaped like an old-school telephone receiver_. ]

**Myway: **Everyone, meet our new star, Telephone Line.

[_The gang eyes up Telephone, trying to make sure they aren't hallucinating her tight suit_. _The men are all captivated (except Tuvacca, who just raises one eyebrow). B'Zooka and Keish exchange a glance_.]

**Myway:** I hope you'll welcome her into our family.

**Fairly Dim: **But if we're "family," then what if one of us wants to, say, ask her out? Does that make that person something like Woody Allen? Or is that okay?

**Myway: **[_Ignoring him_.] But we can't have this new beginning without some painful farewells. The time has come for us to vote off one of our own. One of us must leave Frogger, forever.

[_Everyone looks around anxiously_.]

**Myway:** I will not partake in the voting, as I am the captain. And Telephone Line will not vote, since she doesn't know any of you yet. You will write down the name of the person you choose to vote off the show, briefly and quietly explain your decision to the audience, and drop the name into my empty coffee mug.

[_Everyone begins to write quickly_]

**Myway:** …and no voting for the captain!

[_Everyone stops and groans. The characters ponder their decisions for a moment or two, then begin to write. Finally, they are all finished. One by one, they approach the coffee mug, and explain their decision to the camera, in a voice just barely above a whisper_.]

**Chevrolet:** It wasn't an easy decision, but I'm voting for Cakemix. Personally, he doesn't bother me. But he has the least to offer our ship and our show. He does provide comic relief, but Tim Parsnip's just as good at that with his Class Clown routine, and B'Zooka and the Doctor's sarcasm gives us plenty of laughs. True, Cakemix helps with odd jobs like cooking and babysitting, but we have recurring characters that can do that. Cakemix, forgive me. [_Drops his slip of paper into the coffee mug_.]

**Tuvacca**: [_Marches up to the coffee mug._] CAKEMIX. [_Raises one eyebrow_.] You wish for an explanation? Very well. He is irritating. He is rude. He endangers the crew with his cooking. He mistreated Kiesh when they were together. The fans despise him. He's the Jar Jar Binks of "Trek." He—

**Myway:** [_holds up a hand, and says quietly_] All right Tuvacca, we get the picture.

**Tuvacca**:-[_shouting_]drank my milkshake, he drank it up! His rash actions turned the Krutons against us! His singing voice could be used as an instrument of torture. His head resembles a goldfish. He's a 50-year-old Talaxian and he was dating a TWO year old Oompa-Loompan—

**Myway:** All RIGHT! That's ENOUGH! [_Wrenches the paper from Tuvacca's hand and tosses it into the mug_.]

**Tuvacca:** TWO YEARS OLD. TWO. [_Walks back to his security station. Then adds, pointing at the camera_,] It's GROSS!

**Tim Parsnip**: Well…I was _going_ to vote for Chevrolet, just to annoy him. But he didn't vote for me like I thought he would, and I am _not_ gonna let him out-noble me! So. I know Cakemix seems like the obvious choice, but…I'm gonna vote for Keish. Nothing personal, she's nice. But I wanna make a move on B'Zooka soon, and I'm afraid of what the Parsnip/Keish shippers out there might do. There could be some among our show's writing staff for all I know. As long as Keish is onboard, I can't hit on B'Zooka without fearing for her safety.

**Fairly Dim: **I'm also gonna vote for Keish. Cakemix is annoying, yeah, but I'm used to him. Getting annoyed by Cakemix in the morning is as central to waking up for me as coffee and Lucky Charms. Keish on the other hand…I don't know. That's _it._ I don't know her. She's the one character I have virtually no interaction with, so I'm voting for her by default.

**Myway:** That's two votes for Cakemix, and two votes for Keish.

**B'Zooka: **I'm sick of Tinkerbell getting between me and Tim. I vote for Keish.

**The Doctor: **I don't know why everyone's voting for poor Keish. She's the nicest person on the ship, the only person who treated _me_ like a real person from the get-go. Furthermore, she contributes to this ship as a nurse, and to this show with ESP episodes. The only thing Mr. Cakemix has contributed is an epidemic, with his badly-made cheese. I vote for Cakemix.

**Myway:** Three votes for Cakemix, three for Keish. Only two left who need to vote are…Cakemix and Keish! This should be interesting…

**Cakemix: **Mesa gonna vote for Chancellor Palatine! Hesa gonna bring unity and order to the Galactic Senate!

**Myway:** ….Oookay. Then I guess there's just one vote left.

[_Everyone turns to look at Keish_.]

**Keish:** I vote for…_myself! _

[_Everyone stares, or goes "Huh?"]_

**Kiesh:** I don't want to log my powers away for another episode. I was meant for greater things! I'm tired of just being the ESP fairy-princess. I WANT TO EVOLVE, man!

**The Doctor:** Keish, you've been using your little garden again, haven't you—

**Keish:** [_Glowing more and more strongly as she speaks_.] My mind has been EXPANDED! I could be, I could be anything I want! A Jedi! A powerful CGI entity! A lioness in a rare good Disney sequel! I'm off to explore greater things! There's nothing left for me on Frogger, and I've nothing left to contribute. It's time to pass the torch!

[_Keish is now glowing like a "Twilight" vampire! In a translucent blur, she zips from one shipmate to another, making her goodbyes_.]

**Keish:** You're the new Babe of the Ship, Telephone Line! [_Removes her own "Miss Delta Quadrant" sash and throws it around an unmoved Telephone_.] Keep those guys begging, girl! [_Zips around Tim and B'Zooka like a tornado, leaving them tangled in each other's arms and locked in an awkward kiss_.] Tim is yours B'Zooka, and so are all the romance episodes! I'm happy for both of you, Mazeltov! [_Tosses confetti over them, then zips over to Cakemix, kissing him quickly on the cheek_.] I love you Cakemix. Never stop being your annoying self!

[_She looks around at the entire crew_.]

**Keish:** And now, my gift to all of you…

[_Keish glows transparent, her voice echoing, until she fades out of all sight. When she's gone, Cakemix finds he is holding a can of beans in his hand. On it is a note which reads, "Eat Me."_]

**Cakemix:** [_Shrugs_] All right…

**Tim Parsnip:** Oh no, Cakemix, I have a bad feeling about—

[_Cakemix chugs the can of beans like soda. Then there's a rumble_…]

**Myway:** Oh GOD! [_Plugs her nose, and pulls her outer shirt up over her face_.]

[_Everyone gags and does the same_.]

**Cakemix:** I'm sorry! Mesa don't mean to…

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Speaking through his plugged nose_] Captain! The blast is propelling the ship forward…our speed is…it's impossible!

_**FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP…**_

[_Cakemix's fart blasts the ship through space. On the view screen the stars freeze, stretch out, turn rainbow colors, then go to plaid_.]

**Fairly Dim:** Our hulls can't take this speed! If we don't stop we'll be destroyed!

**Cakemix:** I think I'm almost done…

_**FRAAAAAAaaaaaaap. **_

[_The fart ends, and the ship stops_.]

**Fairly Dim:** Captain, we're clean out of Bored territory now…and ten years closer to home!

**Myway:** She saved us! My god. We voted her off, and Keish saved us. [_Hugs Cakemix_] You saved us too, you big oaf!

**Cakemix:** [_Whimpers, exhausted, then falls down on his face_.]

**Telephone Line: **Derpy.

**Myway:** What?

**Telephone Line:** The child you questioned me about. Her favorite Pony was Derpy.

[_Heartwarming music plays, and the episode ends_.]

_**FIN. **_


	4. Waking Moments

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Awkward Moments" **

**(Spoofing "Waking Moments," Season 4.)**

_**Summary:**__ When aliens invade the crew's dreams, it's up to Chevrolet and Bart Simpson to save the ship! _

**SCENE ONE:**

[_Ensign Fairly Dim is walking down the hallway, playing Frogger on his PADD. Telephone Line comes up next to him_.]

**Telephone Line**: Ensign Dim, there is a stray ferret loose in the Geffory's Tube. I require your assistance in capturing it.

**Fairly Dim:** Huh? Um, okay. [_He follows her into the Geffory's Tube. But there is no ferret_.] Telephone, where's the ferret?

[_Telephone grabs Dim and smooches him. He smooches her back, pleasantly surprised. But when they break apart, he is horrified to see that she has turned into a bumpy-forehead alien with a claw on its chin! In his quarters, Dim tosses and turns in his sleep, clinging to his stuffed Simba_.]

**MEANWHILE…**

[_Tim Parsnip is also dreaming. He is in an X-Wing, flying along the Death Star, shooting at Tie Fighters_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Almost there! How're we doing, Fairly?

[_In the back of the X-Wing, a little R2 droid with Farily Dim's hair and Star Freak uniform beeps back_.]

**B'Zooka Tourgide:** **(V.O.)** Skywalker, what are you doing? You've deactivating your visual grid!

**Tim Parsnip**: Don't worry about me, Princess. The Force will guide me!

[_Tim turns off his visual grid, and the robotic device folds away. But as it moves away from the window in front of him, Tim sees an alien staring back at him from outside! It's the same alien that freaked out Fairly Dim_!]

**Alien:** And now young Skywalker, you will die!

[_Tim screams, as his X-Wing is shot by Darth Vader and explodes. He bolts awake in his bed (which is shaped like Captain Proton's rocket ship)_.]

**TUVACCA'S DREAM:**

[_Tuvacca steps onto Frogger's bridge, and suddenly, everyone starts to laugh at him_.]

**Captain Myway:** Forget something Commander?

[_Tuvacca looks down, and sees he is nude._]

**Cakemix:** That reminds me! I need to replicate some baby carrots for lunch today!

[_Everyone laughs, while poor Tuvacca leaves the bridge, humiliated. As he steps into the turbolift, he finds that freaky alien! The alien is just standing there, reading a fashion magazine. The alien finally glances back up at Tuvacca_.]

**Alien: **Oh my gosh, you Vulcans are HOPELESS when it comes to fashion! Nudity doesn't suit you. Here, check out this elvin garb, [_Shows Tuvacca a page in the magazine, with a photo of Legolass the elf_.] I think it'd really bring out your ears. What do you think?

[_Tuvacca wakes up in his bed (wearing his Scrooge nightcap and holding his pointy-eared teddy bear.) He looks around awkwardly, and checks to see that he's still wearing his pajamas._]

**CAPTAIN MYWAY'S DREAM: **

[_Myway is in the mess hall, and all the lights are out. She looks frantically for her crew, and for some coffee_.]

**Myway:** Hello? Anyone here? Where's my crew? Where's my coffee? Where's _anybody?_

**Cakemix:** Computer, lights!

[_The lights come on. Myway is horrified to see her crew sitting at tables, covered in cobwebs_.]

**Myway:** What happened?

**Cakemix:** They died. You didn't get them home in time. But mesa still alive! Wesa gonna be together forever now! We can sing songs, cook leola root stew, watch "The Teletubbies"…

**Myway**: No… NO! NOOOOOOOOOO….!

**Cakemix:** YEEEEEEEEES…!

[_The alien from everyone else's dreams walks past Myway and Cakemix, with a coffee pot_.]

**Alien:** Hey there, I found the coffee! But all we have left is the caffeine-free kind. That's not a problem is it?

[_Myway stares at the alien, and then screams again. She suddenly wakes up in her bed, with her Irish leprechaun alarm clock ringing_.]

**BRIDGE**:

**Chevrolet:** Ensign Dim hasn't shown up for his shift today, Captain. If you want, I can punish him by sending him on an away mission so he dies aga—are, are you alright Kathryn?

**Myway:** [_Rubbing her temples_.] Chevrolet, I had every "Spoof Trke: Frogger" fan's worst nightmare last night. And every caffeine addict's too, come to think of it.

**Chevrolet:** I didn't sleep well either. I dreamed my father was taking me through the forests of Wisconsin to hunt feral cats—something I'd always refused to do with him—and he transformed into an ugly alien with a claw on its chin!

**Myway:** What? That alien was in my dream too!

**Tim Parsnip**: Hey, I saw it too! He distracted me before I could blow up the Death Star, and got me and my R2 unit killed!

**The Doctor:** **(V.O.)** The Doctor to the Bridge. Captain, you'd better get down here.

**SICKBAY:**

**The Doctor:** Ensign Dim and these eight other crewmen are stuck in their sleep! I've tried everything to wake them—Slapping them, dosing them with water, injecting Red Bull into their bloodstreams, blasting music from The Electric Mayhem in their ears, nothing works! I don't want anyone to fall asleep until I get to the bottom of this.

**Myway:** All right The Doctor. Keep me posted. In the meantime, I'd like you to prescribe the strongest stimulant you can to the rest of the crew.

**The Doctor:** Way ahead of you, Captain.

[_He opens a nearby refrigerator. It is filled with cans of Monster energy drinks_.]

**LATER, IN THE CAPTAIN'S "IIIIII'M READY!" ROOM:**

[_The senior staff—minus the Doctor and Fairly Dim—sit around the briefing table. They each have a different colored can of Monster, except Captain Myway, who is drinking coffee strait from the pot_.]

**Myway:** Ideas, anyone?

**Chevrolet:** I have an idea. Has anyone here heard of "lucid dreaming?"

**Tim Parsnip:** You mean where you can control your dreams? Yes, I've done that! It was amazing! I could do anything I wanted—fly, turn Chevrolet into a duck, make out with B'Zooka and Keish at the same time, it was a bla—

[_B'Zooka punches him out of his chair. No one notices_.]

**Chevrolet:** We could fight these aliens by taking control of our dreams. I could enter a dream with a Native American Vision Quest, a dream that I have control over. I'll pick a symbol that will remind me I'm dreaming—a moon let's say—and when I need to wake up, I'll snap a rubber band around my wrist.

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Sits back up in his chair, nursing a black eye_] Why is it always your Indian Vision Quests that save the day? Doesn't anyone else on this ship have a culture that can provide any value to us?

[_Ensign O'Malley walks b the opened door of the Ready Room, sipping a pint of ale_.]

**Ensign O'Malley:** Aye! I could challenge the enemy to a drinking contest, and they'll be in comas before I'm even buzzed!

[_Ensign Steinberg walks by, eating a bagel_.]

**Ensign Steinberg:** I could kill them with guilt.

**Tim Parsnip:** …Indian Vision Quest it is.

**SICKBAY:**

[_Chevrolet lies down in a bed, and chants in his Native Language_. _Mysterious, Indian flute music plays; Chevrolet never starts a Vision Quest without his trusty record-player._]

**Native American Trekkies in the audience:** I love how the "Trek" writers really did their research, and gave Chevrolet a real tribe with a real language, instead of just making up random gibberish.

**Chevrolet:** Hakunna Matata_._ We are far from the bones of our ancestors decomposing corpses. Help me to enter this dream state. When I am in my dream, let me see the moon, so I will know I am dreaming….

[_Chevrolet_ _enters his dream. He finds himself standing in a hallway aboard Frogger, holding a spear_.]

**Chevrolet: **[_glancing at the spear_] I don't want to know what Dr. Freud would make of this dream. ...Okay, now let's see if my moon trick worked. Can I see the moon anywhere…?

**Mysterious Voice:** Psst, Chevrolet, over here!

[_Chevrolet turns, and sees Bart Simpson standing in a consol screen on the wall_.]

**Bart Simpson:** Here's your moon for ya! [_Turns around and pulls down his pants, mooning Chevrolet_.]

**Chevrolet:** It worked!

[_As he speaks, the hook-chined alien comes around the corner, eating a foot-long sub sandwich_]

**Alien:** What worked?

**Chevrolet:** [_Pointing_ _his spear at the alien_] You! You've been invading my entire crew's dreams! Why?

[_The alien parries Chevrolet's spear with his sandwich._]

**Alien:** Did he tell you? [_Nods to Bart Simpson_.] Or have you known all along?

**Chevrolet:** [_Dramatically_] That you're here to steal from me… [_widens eyes_] or that we're _actually_ asleep?

[_Dramatic music from Hans Zimmer begins to play. The music climaxes, as Chevrolet and the alien begin to duel with their spear and sub sandwich. Soon both their spear and the sandwich are thrown aside. Then they're just throwing punches in the hallway, running up walls and tumbling around the ceiling, in a zero-gravity scene that parodies "Inception." Finally, Chevrolet overpowers the alien, cornering him between the ceiling and the wall_.]

**Chevrolet:** Start talking freak-o, or I'll punch your chin-spike into your brain!

**Alien: **You're so physical. It really isn't necessary. Okay macho-man, I'll tell you. My species lives in the dream world. It's far more interesting than the waking world, as our home world in real life is just a cave full of rocks. If you want to defeat us, go to coordinates 8675309 and try to blow us up.

**Chevrolet: **And you expect my crew to be stupid enough to fly into an obvious trap?

**Alien: **No. I expect you to be desperate enough for an interesting episode! You could simply fly the other way, but then what would your audience watch you do for the next hour? Type at your stations? Drink coffee? Watch the holo-doc sing opera?

**Bart Simpson:** He's got you there, Commander.

[_Chevrolet glares at the alien. Then he snaps the rubber band around his wrist, walking himself up_. _ He's still lying in the biobed. Tim Parsnip is writing something on his forehead, while Myway and The Doctor giggle. When they notice he's awake, they stop and back away, acting serious. Chevrolet glances in a nearby mirror, and sees they've drawn a Hitler mustache on him, and written "PENUS" on his forehead._]

**Captain Myway: **_He-hem_. Well?

**Chevrolet:** [_Wiping his face clean with a handkerchief._] I talked to one of the aliens. He said that to have a good episode, our only hope is to fly into an obvious trap.

**Myway:** [_Sipping coffee_] I like that idea!

**Chevrolet:** Somehow I thought you would. Whatever, I'm just glad to be awake again, and not stuck in some crazy dream. Thanks for the handkerchief, Bart.

**Bart Simpson:** No problem. [_He takes back the handkerchief, and giggles to himself_.]

[_Chevrolet and Myway walk out of Sickbay. They take no notice of Bart Simpson, who is sitting on one of the biobeds reading a MAD Magazine; or of the white rabbit who hops past them as they exit the door, checking his pocket watch; or of the silver top that's spinning on the floor, and showing no signs of falling over_.]

**LATER, ON THE BRIDGE:**

**Myway:** Okay, we're at those coordinates. Now what?

[_Suddenly, a hoard of hook-chined aliens beams aboard Frogger! They surround the crew with super-soakers. _]

**Alien Captain: **_Foooool yoooou!_ Everyone, to the Cargo Bay!

**CARGO BAY: **

[_The entire crew has somehow managed to fit into Cargo Bay 2_.]

**Alien Captain:** We'll start by showing you all who's Boss, now! It's _swirly time_! Let's start with tattoo-boy.

[_Two aliens take Chevrolet by the arms, and escort him to the small one-stall bathroom in the cargo bay. A third alien lifts the toilet lid_.]

**Bart Simpson:** Hey Commander!

[_Bart is standing in the mirror above the toilet. He turns around and moons Chevrolet_.]

**Chevrolet:** The moon! I'm still asleep! [_He_ _snaps the rubber band around his wrist…and vanishes_!]

**Alien Captain:** He woke up! He's on to us! [_Noticing the rest of his prisoners_.] I mean…Whoops, I guess we accidently flushed him down for good. Clumsy us!

[_The aliens proceed to give swirlies to the rest of the crew. After a few minutes, all of the senior officers—minus Chevrolet, and The Doctor, neither of whom are present—are sitting in the corner, with sopping wet hair. While the aliens gives swirlies to the crewmen and recurring characters, our heroes have a quiet discussion_.]

**Myway:** All right. My first officer just vanished before our eyes. The way I see it, he either owns an invisibility cloak he never told me about, or, we're all in a dream, and he really did wake up!

**Cakemix:** But if this is a dream…how do I know any of you are really here? Maybe I'm dreaming this myself…maybe we're each trapped in our own dream!

**Tuvacca:** Unlikely. Since our TV program only has one hour to deliver each of our adventures, it would be illogical for our writers to attempt to show eight different dreams in one episode. Hence, we are all sharing one dream. [_He puts a pipe to his mouth, and gives a proud, sophisticated look_.]

**B'Zooka Tourgide:** [_Sarcastically_.] A dream huh. That _would_ explain a few things.

[_Indeed, the entire group is sitting at a table set for a tea party, with the Mad Hatter and the March Hare. Tim Parsnip and Fairly Dim are both wearing their "Captain Proton!" costumes. Telephone Line looks down to see herself wearing Princess Leia's gold slave bikini, loincloth and chain; she gives a suspicious glance to Dim, who shrugs sheepishly. Myway is sitting in a tub full of steaming coffee. And that spinning top is there, on the table_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** I saw an ancient movie about this, from Earth's 21st Century! All we need to do is _incept _the aliens into thinking that they should let us go! Cakemix can be our chemical mixer; B'Zooka, you'll be the Architect… [_Next to him, B'Zooka drops into a double-face-palm_]… with your engineering skills; Tuvacca's the security guy, naturally; I'll play the Forger. Fairly can be the research guy. But we'll each need a Totem—

**Myway: **Tim, what the _hell _are you talking about?

**Telephone Line:** Disregard Lieutenant Parsnip's fan-boy ramblings, Captain. I have a better plan. I shall distract the aliens, while you search for a method of escape.

[_Telephone punches Fairly Dim, sending him across the room_.]

**Telephone Line:** Ensign Dim, it is your fault that I am wearing this absurd garment!

[_The aliens, who are all men, stare at Telehpone Line, enchanted. Meanwhile, Myway, Tuvacca, B'Zooka, Cakemix, and Tim sneak out of the Cargo Bay_. _They run towards Engineering. But when the doors open, they see that Engineering is filled with smoke, and alarms are blaring. On the upper level, the Mad Hatter and the March Hare are pouring different items into the Warp Core._]

**March Hare:** Here's the tea!

**Mad Hatter:** Tea! [_Pours it into the Warp Core_.]

**March Hare:** Here's the mustard!

**Mad Hatter:** Muthta—_Muthtard_? Now don't be _thilly_!

**Computer: **WARNING! WARP CORE BREACH IN FIVE SECONDS!

**Myway:** Alright, time to tell for sure if this is a dream or not!

**B'Zooka**: How would that help? You're a Regular—the _Captain_ no less! Even if we were awake, an explosion couldn't kill you. Well, not permanently anyway.

**Myway:** Yes. But I'd still die, at least temporarily! Or else need some sort of excuse for why I survived, like time travel or radiation. If I survive this explosion for no reason at all, then I'll know it's just a dream! Here it goes. [_The Captain runs into the explosion. She comes out with frazzled hair, but alive._] Yep, it's a dream!

**Aliens:** There they are! Kill them!

[_The aliens shoot at Myway and her crewmembers. Myway holds up her hand; B'Zooka, Tim, and the others copy her. They stop the laser blasts in midair, then make them fall to the ground, clattering like metal bullets_.]

**MEANWHILE, IN REAL LIFE**

[_Chevrolet wakes up in Sick Bay, for real this time_.]

**The Doctor**: Commander! You're awake!

**Chevrolet:** Are you sure? [_Snaps his rubber band a few times. Runs to every glass surface, looking for Bart Simpson_.] What's going on, The Doctor? Is everyone else asleep?

**The Doctor:** I'm afraid so. Shortly after you entered your Vision Quest dream, we received a transmission from the aliens. It was actually a computer virus, that caused every screen on the ship to play golf tournaments, non-stop. The entire crew had passed out from boredom before I had a chance to do anything. But here's the strange part, Commander; my scans indicate that the entire crew is somehow having the same dream!

[_Chevrolet looks around, and notices that the golf tournament is indeed playing on a nearby wall panel_.]

**Chevrolet:** Is it possible for you to—yawn—to turn off that golf game?

**The Doctor:** I'm afraid not. We'd better find those aliens and stop them, before the crew falls into irreversible boredom comas. In the meantime, I'll inject you with this Red Bull, to keep you awake.

**BRIDGE:**

**Chevrolet: **I'll pilot Frogger to the coordinates that alien gave me. Excuse me Tim, [_Pushes a sleeping Tim Parsnip aside, letting him flop onto the floor, and takes a seat at the helm_.]

**The Doctor:** Oh dear, [_Covers his face with one hand_.] Commander Crash takes the helm…

**Chevrolet:** Relax The Doctor. I only crash shuttlecrafts when I have to land them. I can pilot a starship through space just fine.

**Tim Parsnip: **Well you're okay I guess, but you're no Han Solo.

**Chevrolet:** Huh? Tim? When did you wake up?

[_Chevrolet looks around in confusion, to see everyone awake_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Starbuck's also better than you. Both Starbucks, the guy and the girl. But you're better than Launchpad, at least. Want some tea? [_Offers Chevrolet a tea cup, from a platter that a waiter is holding. The waiter is the Mad Hatter_.]

_**TAP! TAP! **_

[_Chevrolet turns to see Bart Simpson tapping on the view screen glass. Bart gives his mischievous laugh, then turns around and moons Chevrolet again.]_

**Chevrolet:** I fell asleep again! [_Pounds the consol_.] Dammit!

[_He suddenly wakes up, at the helm_.]

**Chevrolet**: D…Doctor? Wha…?

**The Doctor**: [_Grimly_] They've hacked the view screen too. I should have warned you.

[_Chevrolet looks up at the view screen. Tiger Woods hits the ball, while someone shouts, "Foooour!"_.]

**Chevrolet:** [_Whispers_] …The bastards!

**The Doctor:** According to these sensors, we're at the alien planet. Here's some more Red Bull to take with you when you beam down there. Remember, the MINUTE you get drowsy, drink it!

**Chevrolet:** Sure. What could possibly go wrong?

**THE ALIEN PLANET: **

[_Chevrolet beams into a big cave. He looks around and sees it is full of hook-chined aliens, all passed out in front of a large TV. The TV is playing "Twilight."_]

**Chevrolet:** My god, it's worse than I thought. …Wait a minute…The Doctor, what if I fed this Red Bull to one of the aliens? I could wake him up, and make him call off his attacks! But I'll have to—yawn—have to be fast, before I fall asleep.

**The Doctor: (V.O.)** Commander, why not just take your Red Bull now, let me beam you ten more cans, and then wake up the alien? In fact, why did I only give you enough for one dose of energy to begin with? Didn't I anticipate that your mission was unpredictable, and should have back-up supplies? Am I malfunctioning again?

**Chevrolet:** No, The Doctor. You're fine. But we've got ten minutes left of this episode, and we have to wrap everything up quickly! There's no time for common sense. This alien looks like he might be one of the leaders… [_Chevrolet is looking at a sleeping alien wearing a gold crown_.] I'll try it on him. Listen, The Doctor. I want you to aim a photon tortilla at this cave. If you don't hear from me in 15 minutes, fire and blow up this cave!

**The Doctor:** **(V.O.)** That's suicidal!

**Chevrolet:** If I die you can have all of my black hair dye, gel, and industrial-strength hairdryer.

**The Doctor:** Well, if you put it that wall, all right then! [_The Doctor merrily powers up the spicy weapon_.]

[_Chevrolet turns hooks his finger around the alien's chink-hook, and pulls his mouth opened. Then he pours the Red Bull into his mouth. The alien bolts up, awake._]

**Alien Leader: **…BECAUSE EET GEEVES YOU VIIIINGS! [_Blinks, then rubs his eyes and looks around_.] Huh? Where am I?

**Chevrolet:** The waking world! Call of your attacks on my crew, or I'll blow up this entire cave! You have ten seconds! …Nine…eight…se-seven…yawn…six… [_As he counts, some sheep begin to leap past him, one for every number_.] …five…f-f-fooo…[_Falls over, asleep_.]

**INSIDE THE DREAM WORLD**

[_Chevrolet reappears in the Cargo Bay. At this point, the Frogger crew and the Aliens are all engaged in a huge brawl. Phaser fire is going off, punches are being thrown. Captain Myway is hosing aliens down with a phaser rifle. Tim and Farily are going berserk with some light sabers. The Mad Hatter and the March Hare hold one of the aliens, while B'Zooka smashes a teapot over his head_]

**Ensign O'Malley:** Keep drinkin', ye big babies!

[_He laughs, drinking from his pint of ale, while the aliens in his drinking contest pass out one by one_.]

**Ensign Steinberg: ..**No, no, there's no problem at all. You just made our smallest crewmember cry, is all. [_She presents a_ _crying Naomi Wildthing to one of the aliens._] Out of curiosity, do you also traumatize the dreams of little old ladies too?

**Alien:** [_Crying with guilt_] FINE! FINE! TAKE MY GUN, GO AHEAD AND SHOOT ME! SCREW IT I'LL SHOOT MYSELF!

[_Amidst the chaos, Cakemix notices Chevrolet and points to him_.]

**Cakemix:** You-sa back!

[_Everyone stops, frozen in mid-punch/shoot/drink/etc_.]

**Chevrolet:** People of the hook-chin…planet…whatever you are. Release us now, or we all die, in an explosion of burning-hot taco meat!

**Alien #4:** Oh, oh, oh yeah?

**Captain Myway:** Oh for Roddenberry's sake. We've got two minutes of this episode left. Just get lost already!

**Fairly Dim:** Okay, hang on one second. [_Points to a few of the aliens with his lightsaber_.] Why did you people even do this in the first place? What's your goal?

**Alien #12:** Because! [Raises his hand dramatically.] Because we…! Erm…why _are_ we doing this again?

**Alien #5:** Because you bet me twenty bucks that you could invade a ship with lucid dreaming. Whatever dude, I gotta work today. What time is it? I better wake up soon.

[_The_ _other aliens mutter in agreement, and a truce is called with the Frogger crew_.]

**LATER (IN THE WAKING WOLRD): **

**Myway: (V.O.) **_Captain's log, star date 3.14159: The aliens have surrendered, and the crew has been cured of our sleeping disease. The only side affect is insomnia. _

[_Cut to the Mess Hall, where several crewmembers are sitting around drinking coffee and snacking on cookies_.]

**Chevrolet:** So, people whose dreams weren't featured in the opening sequence. Let's hear it.

**Cakemix:** I dreamed I was being cooked in my own leola root soup, while the audience cheered on.

**B'Zooka Tourgide:** I dreamed I was high up in a director's chair, directing an episode of some other "Trek" series—a prequel. It completely screwed the continuity of the "Trek" timeline, the best actor was a beagle, it was just awful.

**Naomi Wildthing: **I dreamed I finally become the Captain's Assistant, like I always wanted to! But I had to kill most of the senior staff to rise up in rank, and reach the seat next to the captain's. First, I asked Cakemix to teach me how to mix a poison to put in Chevrolet's coffee—

**Chevrolet:** Okaaay, that's enough sugar for you, kid. How about Tuvacca? What was your dream?

**Tuvacca:** Vulcans do not engage in embarrassing dreams. Particularly not ones involving nudity, or masculine envy.

**Tim Parsnip:** Yeah, just like you guys never lie.

[_Everyone laughs while Tuvacca sits there, displeased. The camera zooms out the window, showing the starship Frogger flying through space, as the ending music begins to play. Just as the ship's rear is in sight, Bart Simpson waves from the back window, turns around, and moons the camera…_.]

_**FIN. **_


	5. The Year of Hell

**A/N: Special thanks to my sister, who came up with the title of this spoof years ago, when I wrote the first draft. (She was inspired by Gene Wilder's line in **_**Young Frankenstein**_**, "My grandfather's work-was-DOO-DOO!")**

* * *

><p><strong>SPOOF TREK: FROGGER<strong>

"**The Year of Doo-Doo!"**

**(Spoofing "The Year of Hell," Parts I and II, Season 4)**

**Summary:** _The crew fights an alien with the power to erase his enemies from history, for one year of badass battle scenes and plot twists...only to have it all erased from the timeline, by the end of the episode._**  
><strong>

[_We open to the backdrop of outer-space (which looks suspiciously like star-spangled wrapping paper), and an alien starship (which looks suspiciously like a hubcap dangling on a string). Letters appear across the screen, reading…_]

**DAY 1**

[_Cut to the inside of the alien ship. The walls are covered with clocks that are backwards, upside down, or tilted at odd angles. A speedometer on the helm consol reads "88 Miles per hour!" The floors are littered with newspapers, with headlines like: "__**Hirogen Times, 1987: War Continues**__!", "__**Hirogen Times, 1987: Peace and Prosperity Continue**__!" and "__**Hirogen Times, 1987: We Never Existed, Somehow**__." In the middle of this ship's bridge stands a consol with a huge red button, that reads "EDIT: UNDO." Sitting at a chair before this button is the Dad from "That 70s Show," with some green spots on his forehead to show that he is an alien. This is Captain Anthrax._]

**Anthrax: **We must continue altering history, until we restore everything that we've accidently erased, including my beloved wife! If only I had listened to her nagging and gone to church with her. But no, I had to stay home and watch football while working on my timeship. I had no idea that I was calculating her very fate.

**Guy With A Russian Accent: **Captain, why not focus on more important matters? With zis powerful time ship, we could erase that awful prequel series "Applepies" ("Enterprise") from ze "Trek" franchise!

**Anthrax: **No, Lt., we cannot. "Applepies" hasn't been aired, and we can only change what is _past_.

**Russian Guy: **Zen let us erase the starship Frogger! Zat way, ze series "Frogger" vill end, and "Applepies" vill air sooner zan planned. Zen ve can go ahead and erase _it_ from history!

**Anthrax: **My god man, you're a genius!

* * *

><p><strong>ABOARD THE STARSHIP FROGGER<strong>

[_The senior staff is gathered in the new ass-trometrics lab, with balloons and streamers._]

**Chevrolet: **Congratulations to Ensign Fairly Dim, and Telephone Line, for inventing Star Freak's first ass-trometrics lab!

**TheDoctor: **If I may, I've prepared a little speech for today. Four score and seven years ago, my holomatrix unit was first activated…

**Tim Parsnip: **[_Snickering_] And it was a very _small_ holomatrix unit!

**The Doctor:** Indeed, my unit was _very_ small. But I have since found ways to expand it, making it greater, with a wider range of performances and—

[_Everyon_e _giggles and snickers, even the Captain_. _The Doctor stares at Tim, then makes to slap him. His hand goes right through Tim's face, causing everyone to laugh harder._]

_**BOOM!**_ [_The ship shakes_.]

**Cakemix: **Ex-queeese me!

**Captain Myway: **No no, Cakemix, it wasn't you. Someone's fired on us!

**BRIDGE:**

**Ensign Crewman: **Some idiots fired on us, Captain.

**Captain Myway:** Okay, out of my chair.

[_Myway shoves the crewwoman out of the way. The crewwoman falls to the ground, hitting her head and dying. Myway stares at the body for a moment, then jerks her head towards the young Vulcan Ensign Forklift (Vorik), who sweeps the body away with a push broom_.]

**Myway:** He-em. On screen!

[_Tim Parsnip picks up the remote and turns on the view screen_. _Captain Anthrax appears on the screen, clasping his black-gloved hands together._]

**Captain Anthrax: **Starship Frogger! You have violated the territory of the Black Glove Gang, and must pay the price. Prepare for immediate execution, as I blow your ship to kingdom come!

**Captain Myway: **Wait now, hold on one second, just—STOP….Aren't you the dad from "That 70s Show?"

**Russian Guy: **Captain Anthrax, the game is back on. [_Points to a TV high on the wall, which shows the Packers playing the Dallas Cowboys_.]

**Anthrax: **[_Spins__in his chair to face the TV_] Touch-down! [_Without turning around, he raises a finger and at Myway._] You haven't seen the last of me!

[_The view screen goes black_.]

**Myway: **I can't help but feel this man is hiding something from us. I mean, he's as cheesy as any alien villain we've met…but he seems to be portrayed by a _legitimate _actor, rather than some boob the producers pulled off the street. That almost always means that we'll be seeing a lot of him, and when we do, some serious sh!t will be going down. [_Sips coffee thoughtfully_.]

**Chevrolet: **For once captain, I agree with you. Getting involved with that guy is a risky. We should have a word with some of the other aliens in this region, to see if they have any advice for us.

* * *

><p><strong>THE YOU'RE-NOT-READY-AT-AGE-17 ROOM: <strong>

[_The senior staff meets with an alien who resembles the offspring of Bill Clinton and an iguana.]_

**Alien: **We of the Lizard-Face Gang have been battling the Black Glove Gang for decades now. They may try to threaten you, but they're really just a bunch of drunken football fanatics. Half the time they don't even know what they're saying.

**MEANWHILE:**

**Anthrax: **Russian Guy, erase the Lizard-Face race from history!

**Russian Guy: **Yes sir! [_Presses the "Edit Undo" button_.]

[_All Lizard-Face ships, colonies, and graffiti on asteroids suddenly vanishes from the galaxy, without a trace!]_

**BACK ON FROGGER:**

**Captain Myway: **[_Looks around_] What were we talking about? Who was in that empty chair there? What's going on here?

**Chevrolet: **[_Not looking up from his newspaper_.]Well the last eleven times something like this happened, it meant that someone somewhere was having their filthy way with history.

[_The entire senior staff exchanges glances, then runs to the bridge_. _They all push and shove their way out of the turbo-lift, to the confusion of the present crewman on the bridge._]

**Myway: **[_Pushing frazzled hair out of her face_] On screen!

[_The screen comes on, to reveal guess who_.]

**Anthrax:** Starship Frogger, I have no choice. Your sacrifice will save millions from the dreadful series "Applepies." [_Sips beer_.] Bye then.

**Myway: **SHIELDS!

[_Anthrax's ship fires a beam of energy at Frogger, but the ship's shields protect it_.]

**Anthrax:** Drat! My weapon can erase species, starships, and planets, but is blocked by generic shielding technology! Curse you Captain Myway! Looks like we'll just have to do this the hard way…

[_Anthrax sends an armada of Black-Glove Gang ships to attack Frogger. The Black Glove ships, which are shaped like giant black gloves, soar around the Star Freak ship, spinning in circles, firing lasers from their "fingers."]_

**Myway:** Fire at will, Tuvacca! Tim, try to keep us from getting hit! Chevrolet, [_turns to her first officer, and sighs, and mutters_,] It's time for a title drop. [_Louder_] This is turning into the _Week of Doo-doo_!

**DAY 15**

**Myway (V.O.): **Captain's log, star date 8675309…Captain Anthrax has been blowing holes in my ship for the last couple weeks…Shields are down 19%...we're low on food, water, toilet paper and coffee….Sickbay's been hit by an enemy torpedo, and will soon explode…wait, _what?_!

**Chevrolet: **Bridge to Sickbay! The Doctor, you have to get everyone out of sickbay! That deck is going to blow in less than five minutes!

**Tim Parsnip: **Hehe,"_blow_."

**Fairly Dim: **[_Covers his mouth and snickers_.]

**SICKBAY:**

**The Doctor: **You heard the man! Everybody out! Into the Geoffrey's Tube! Women and children first!

[_The Doctor runs to the door of the Geoffrey's Tube, which shows a picture of Geoffrey the Giraffe, and hauls it opened. Young Naomi Wildthing is the first to hurry in, followed by her mother, Ensign Spam Wildthing. Next come two male crewmembers, disguised unconvincingly as women_. _Once everyone is safe inside the Geoffrey's Tube, the Doctor notices the two men in drag_]

**The Doctor:** Wait a minute, you're not women! Get in the back of the line! [_Shoves the two crewman back, and accidently knocks them out of the Geffrey's tube. That's when Sickbay suddenly explodes, killing both of them_.] Oh…that's gonna keep me up tonight...

[_We see Frogger from an outside view, now. The explosion erupts throughout the entire deck. The top half of Frogger then falls down one layer, with a thousand cries of "Woa!_"]

**Myway: **Tuvacca, I want you to fire all of our proton, chronotron, and transwarp tortillas at those Black-Glove bastards!

**Tuvacca: **I cannot, Captain. The cannons are offline.

**Myway: **Fine. We'll release them like mines! Tim, we'll need you to pull another Han Solo and get those tortillas to hit the enemy ship, with your brilliant piloting skills!

[_Tim dons WWII goggles and a scarf, and smoothly pilots Frogger over the Black Glove ship, hitting it with all of the tortillas. The enemy ship explodes in a cloud of meat and cheese._]

**Tim: **Touch-down! One down, 999 to go!

**DAY 22**

[_Telephone Line crawls through a Georffrey's Tube, scanning with her tricorder. She soon finds something hot and glowing lodged in the tube. Looking closely at it, she hits her smiley faced com. badge._]

**Telephone: **Telephone Line to Lt. Tuvacca. I have discovered a transwarp tortilla lodged in this Geoffrey's Tube! How quickly can you get here?

[_She looks over her shoulder, and suddenly sees Tuvacca behind her_.]

**Tuvacca:** An impressive find.

**Telephone:** Indeed. It looks…scrumptious. I believe we could feed the ship at least two meals with it.

**Tuvacca: **Not so, if it explodes. Which, according to my tricorder, will occur in five seconds. We must leave this Geoffrey's Tube immediately.

**Telephone:** One bite Lt., just one bite! It looks so delicious—

[_The transwarp tortilla explodes. Tuvacca cries out in pain, as burning hot cheese hits his eyes_.]

**DAY 26**

[_B'Zooka Tourgide and Fairly Dim are stuck inside the soot-covered, run-down turbo lift._]

**B'Zooka Tourgide: **Dammit, I hate this awful piano music…

[_Indeed, the turbo-lift—though broken—is still playing terrible elevator music_.]

**Fairly Dim: **[_Wrinkles his nose._] It sounds like that corny "heartwarming" music they always play on news feature stories, while they're showing a little handicapped kid do random stuff in slow motion.

**B'Zooka: **GrrraaaaAAAA! [_Kicks the wall, then groans in pain_.] I can't believe it, I just broke my leg!

**Fairly:** Okay, okay. Let's pass the time with a guessing game.

**B'Zooka:** [_Holding her leg_] All right, I've got one. Um…it's a Star Freak officer…served aboard the Freedomfries-D under Captain Pickacard….super-popular with the fans, but has a very bland personality…

**Fairly Dim:** Commander Wart, the first Clingon regular on a Trek series!

**B'Zooka:** Man, you're good.

[_Telephone Line suddenly shoves the doors opened_. _She is wearing a dog collar, with her smiley-faced dangling from it like a name tag, and a leash._]

**Fairly Dim:** Boobs!

**Telephone:** I apologize for taking so long to locate you. The Doctor is right outside, so he can look at your leg, Lt. Tourgide.

**B'Zooka:** Um, thanks…Uh Telephone, what's with the leash?

**Telephone:** Lt. Tuvacca has become blind, due to my own folly. I must now make it up to him by working as his seeing-eye drone, until the Doctor is able to restore his sight.

[_Fairly and B'Zooka step outside into the hall. Sure enough, there is Tuvacca, wearing black sunglasses, holding the end of Telephone's leash. Both Telephone Line and Tuvacca look stern and formal, as if they don't notice anything uncomfortable or kinky about this situation_.]

**Fairly Dim:** Duh-huh-huuuuh…. [_Quickly pounds his fist into the wall a couple of times, until he has a small bruise_.] Um, hey, I'm injured too Telephone! Why don't you attend to me for a bit, huh?

**Lt. Jim Carrey:** [_Smacks himself in the head with his tricorder_.] I'm injured Telephone! Attend to me!

**Crewman Chip:** [_The blue guy_] I'm sick Telephone,I have, um, Afluenza!

**Tuvacca: **Do not take it personally, Telephone. Humans (and Bowlians) behave most irrationally, under times of stress.

**Telephone Line:** Indeed. My current roommate, Ensign Brooks, is most inefficient. She leaves her clothing scattered around the room, and talks continuously about her ancestor's slapstick comedy films.

**Cakemix:** Oy Mr. Vulcan, isn't this-sa fun, you and mesa being room-mates?! I'm making waffles tomorrow morning again—only wesa out of waffle mix of course, but that's okay, because I found some gunk in the back of the refrigerator that will work fine, just as soon as I get it to stop growling at me!

**Tuvacca:** And you thought _you_ had problems, Telephone.

**DAY 39**

[_The U.S.S. Frogger flies through space, shaking and shuttering. The ship is covered in black spots and smoking holes. Most of the windows are cracked or boarded up with wood. There is a large bite taken out of one hull, and across the other is a gigantic band-aid. The inside of the ship is just as bad, with dimming lights, chunks falling from the ceiling, and sparks flying from consoles_.]

**Myway:** "Week of Doo-doo"…more like the YEAR of Doo-doo!

[_She is trying to fix a wall panel. She is covered in soot, and her hair resembles a wild un-tamed tribble_.]

**Chevrolet:** Happy birthday, Kathryn. I replicated a watch for you. Check it out, when you press the light-up button, this little stick person dances disco!

**Myway:** I'm sorry Chevy, but we can't waste replicator rations on a disco-dancing watch. You should—[_She looks up_] Woa!

[_Chevrolet, like the captain, is dirty and covered in soot. His bangs are all messed up over his face, and he is unshaven, sporting a very sexy mustache and goatee_.]

**Chevrolet:** But it's your birthday, I wanted to give you a present.

**Myway:** This new look of yours is a present enough! You look like Antonio Banderas, when you have facial hair!

**Farily Dim:** I don't have facial hair, but I have very messy bangs! I look like one of those hot Asian pop singers!

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** [_Gleefully looking back and forth between Chevrolet to Fairly_] The Year of Doo-Doo wasn't a total loss after all!

**Tim Parsnip: **Humph. [_Folds arms, staring at B'Zooka crossly_.]

**DAY 77**

[_Officers run around the trashed bridge, trying to get work done_.]

**Myway:** Excuse me crewmen. [_Pushes her way passed a dark-skinned woman in a green uniform. Then, suddenly, stops_.] Wait a minute, _Crewman Kaitlin_? Didn't you get killed back in Season 3? That episode with Chevrolet and the Bored drones on that planet, and you were in the shuttle craft with him at the very beginning…?

**Crewman Kaitlin:** Yeah, sure I did. So what, no one ever stays dead here in the 'Trek 'verse. Us crewman can come back to life, just like you regulars! Only difference is, we don't need an excuse, because no one ever notices us running around in the background.

_**BANG!**_

[_The blast rocks the ship, and sends everyone tumbling in opposite directions. Crewman Kaitlin hits the wall.]_

**Crewman Kaitlin:** [_Feeling her head_.] Damn it, not _again_! I've died three times this week already! [_Dies again_.]

**Tim Parsnip: **Anthrax is hitting us with everything he's got! I'll try to outmaneuver him, but…oh man, I forgot to have a witty quip prepared for today…

**Chevrolet:** Can you make a joke out of something you see on your consol? [_Gets up and walks over to Tim_, _even as the ship is shaking with the enemy blasts._] Maybe you can make a joke about the "green dot" and the "red dot," like in _Galaxy Quest_—

[_Suddenly, both Chevrolet and Tim are beamed away_.]

**Myway:** _NOOOO! NOT THE HOTTIES! NOT NOOOW! _

**Anthrax: **[_Appears onscreen_.] Captain Myway. I have borrowed your two boy-toys for experimentation, to find out just what makes you humans tick!

**Tuvacca:** [_Raises an eyebrow_.] Just humans?

**Anthrax:** Oh, stop. Anyway, Myway, you have until 10 to run! [_Gives a gleeful evil laugh_]

**Myway:** Tim! Take us—[_Sees Tim's empty seat_] Oh yeah. Um… Wildthing!

[_Myway points to young Naomi Wildthing. The child, covered in soot like everyone else, and with her arm in a sling, is holding a tray of water with her good arm, serving the officers. Naomi points to herself in confusing, as if to ask, "Who, me?"_]

**Myway:** WIldthing, take the helm and get us out of here, now!

**Naomi Wildthing:** Um, okaaay.

[_She looks around for a place to set her water tray, and finally hands it to a crewman. Then she takes Tim's seat, and nervously presses one button_. _Frogger instantly goes backwards at Warp 9. It crashes into an asteroid, but is now clear out of the range of Anthrax's armada._]

**DAY 86**

[_The entire crew—or what's left thereof—stands in the Mess Hall._]

**Myway:** I promised myself I would never give this order. But asking you to stay…would be asking you to die. And while death is more of an inconvenience in this franchise than a real threat, it's still a very big and very painful inconvenience. Everyone except senior officers must evacuate into escape pods, and abandon the ship.

**Ensign Spam Wildthing: **Gee Captain, for an order you swore never to give, we've abandoned ship now what, three times? Four?

**Myway: **Come on, I'm trying to be dramatic! Now then, I want you all to split into groups, with at least one recurring character in each escape pod. Seek out allies; learn new technologies; anything that could help us beat Anthrax. We'll re-group at the end of the episode.

**Vulcan Ensign Forklift:** This _is _the end of the episode, Captain.

**Myway:** The end of the _second-part_ of this _two-part _episode! [_Looks around at her crew, and nods_.] Good luck.

[_All of the recurring characters and crewman pile into the escape pods. The escape pods are then ejected one by one, in footage stolen directly from "Star Wars." Words read across the screen:_

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

_We then cut back to the Mess Hall, where the senior officers stand alone. Myway looks around, then runs to the replicator._]

**Myway:** Now all of the coffee is MINE!

**Fairly Dim:** Actually captain, I was thinking, we could all be dead tomorrow, and I've never tried—

**Myway:** [_Glares at Farily, snarling like a beast_.]

**Fairly:** [_Backs away, whimpering_.]

**COMMERCIAL BREAK: **

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**Jerry Seinfeld:** But I don't wanna be part of a pirate costume!

**Christ Rock:** Nobody messes with the _checkered_ gang!

**Andy Dick**: Would I look better with the ruffles, or the purple polka-dots?

**Jerry Stiller:** I 'been stinkin' under this bed for three weeks! It's bath time!

**Announcer:** Disney's…"SOCKS!" In theaters, this Thanksgiving.

**BACK TO THE SHOW**

"**The Year of Doo-Doo, Part II" **

[_Cut to Anthrax's ship, where Chevrolet and Tim Parsnip are being held prisoner. Chevrolet sits in his dark prison cell, bouncing a little rubber ball against the wall, bored. Suddenly, the door opens. He shields his eyes from the light, as a guard pulls him up and leads him out_.]

**Black Glove Guard:** Ladies, get your last look at this character with his sexy facial hair, before we allow him to shave!

**Female Trekkies:** Quick, the pause button!

[_The guards bring Chevrolet into a bright dining room. As the doors open and they walk inside, Chevrolet is suddenly clean-shaven, with combed hair, and wearing a clean change of clothes. Anthrax sits at a fancy dinner table, full of odd alien foods, but mostly alcohol. A big-screen TV nearby plays the Super Bowl_.]

**Anthrax:** Come, come, have a—TOUCH DOWN!—have a seat, Mr. Cadillac.

**Chevrolet:** It's Chevrolet.

**Anthrax:** Whatever. Look, I'm treating you and Mr. Parsley to a fancy dinner, like any decent villain does for his prisoners! Hmm, that friend of yours appears to be late, though. Stubborn fellow, he is.

**Chevrolet:** What do you want. You've treated us like prisoners and labrats, running all kinds of odd tests on us. You had us test out a transporter with a fly, and it took a week to switch our heads back. You forced us to watch horrible B-movies in a theater, to see what would make us break. You even forced us to find cheese in a maze!

[_Tim waltzes into the room, munching on a large piece of Swiss cheese_. _Without looking up, he points in Anthrax's direction._]

**Tim Parsnip: **…I will never cooperate with anything you have to—hey, is that the Packers? [_Quickly pulls up a chair to face the TV, and helps himself to some weird alien sandwiches_.]

**Anthrax: **My proposal is as follows: You two will—OH!OH! GO, GO, GO—YES, SCORE!

[_Chevrolet and Parsnip have jumped from surprise, almost spilling their food_.]

**Chevrolet:** Will you stop that?!

**Anthrax:** Sorry. _He-em_. You two will help me locate Myway. In return, I will alter history so that Frogger never got lost. That way, we both win: you guys will be home, and I'll have your series out of the way, to make room for "Applepies," so I can erase it! [_Sips his whiskey_.]

**Chevrolet: **….Huh?

**Tim Parsnip:** And how many civilizations will you have to wipe from history in order to pull that off, Mr. Anthrax?

**Anthrax:** [_Looks up, thinking_.] Two, three…four at the most.

**Tim:** I'm out. [_Gets up and leaves, taking the bowl of sandwiches with him_.]

**Chevrolet:** I'm the sympathetic hippie of the two. If you've got a villain-sob-story, I'm the one to tell it to.

**Anthrax:** Very well. Centuries ago, Commander Toyota, I was a well-respected mad scientist on my planet. I was working on a powerful timeship that could alter history. My hope was to erase our then-worst enemy, the Green-Blazer Gang. I succeeded. But to pull this off, I erased the entire home planet of the Green-Blazers, including the shopping mall where my beloved wife's parents first met. I erased my own wife from existence! All I have left of her is this lock of hair. [_Gestures to a glowing glass case near the window—an exact replica of the one from "Beauty and the Beast," but containing a lock of hair instead of a rose_.] I've been trying to fix what I've done ever since, but everything I try just makes things worse. Want some wine?

**Chevrolet:** First Salsa and now this creep…does my tattoo spell some alien language that says, "Attention villains, please flirt with me!"?

**U.S.S. FROGGER, DAY 91**

**Myway: (V.O.)** Captain's log, stardate whatever. We've taken refuge in a pink nebula until our ship's systems are back online. Unfortunately there was a leak, and this toxic pink gas has leaked into parts of the ship.

[_Myway and Fairly Dim are wearing gas masks, trying to seal off the deck, surrounded by the pink smoke_.]

**Fairly Dim:** Say Captain, what would happen if we were to take off these masks and breathe this stuff in?

**Myway:** Fairly don't you dare!

**Fairly Dim:** [_Has already removed his mask and breathed it in_] T'heheheheee! I see a fairy!

[_A tiny image of Kiesh flutters around the clouds with fairy wings, singing "Part of Your World."_]

**DAY 99**

[_Tim and Chevrolet are in their prison cell, arguing. Tim is jogging on a giant hamster wheel, munching more cheese. Chevrolet sits cross-legged in a giant plastic hamster-house, reviewing some notes on a PADD_.]

**Tim:** I can't believe you trust that Anthrax, Chevrolet! The man is playing you like a fiddle, just like Salsa! You really need to stop being so gullible. We should be working on an escape plan!

**Chevrolet: **I'm your commanding officer, Tim! We go with _my_ plan. And if you don't like it we can settle this the old-fashioned way.

**Tim:** You mean like, the way men used to, before there were women to civilize us? Bring it on, Tattoo-Boy!

[_They lunge at each other, and roll around the room, punching and pounding. Somehow, they wind up kissing and making out.]_

**Tim:** So, cupcake, will you trust me now?

**Chevrolet:** ….._Man _you're good.

**DAY 108**

[_The Senior Staff (minus Chevrolet and Tim of course) is gathered in the dark mess hall. The walls are blackened and cracked, held together with duct tape in several spots_. _The officers themselves look no better. All are covered in soot, and Telephone's hair is falling out of its bun. They all sit in a circle, holding drinking mugs._]

**Myway:** I know this year has been a sucky one, but there will be a payoff. This will be one of the best-remembered two-parter episodes of our series! And that's saying something, as the two-parters are always awesome. A toast: to kick-ass two-parters!

**Everyone:** To kick ass two-parters!

[_All clink their mugs together, and chug_.]

**Cakemix:** Yousa all likin' my drink I made?

**Myway:** [_Gags_]

**Fairly Dim:** [_Whimpers, and turns green_]

**The Doctor: **[_Pours some down his throat, but as he's a hologram, it goes right through him_.]

**Tuvacca:** [_Takes a sip, with his calm Vulcan composure. Behind his sunglasses, his eyes widen, and he wrinkles his nose_.]

**B'Zooka:** [_Spits hers out_.]

**Telephone Line: **It is offensive. What is it?

**Cakemix:** Tap water, flat Coke, engine fuel, and Red Bull.

[_Fairly Dim sprouts wings, and flutters around the room. The rest of the group is too exhausted to care_.]

**DAY 155**

**The Doctor:** Captain, you ran into a burning deck, without protection!

[_He is in the Mess Hall, treating the Captain. Myway is covered in red burn marks and her hair has a small smoking flame in it.]_

**Myway:** It was a necessary risk, The Doctor. Someone had to put that fire out before it spread! A captain couldn't ask one of her lower officers to risk their lives like that, not when she should be doing it!

**The Doctor:** What about sending ME, since I'm a hologram who wouldn't be harmed?!

**Myway:** ….

**The Doctor:** As senior medical officer, I hereby relieve you of duty, until such time as you're less of a maniac. So never.

**Myway: **Try and stop me, The Doctor, and I'll turn you off!

**The Doctor:** Fine, fine. [_Goes and sits down at a broken table, and begins writing with a feathered quill pen_.] "Call me The Doctor, or Doc. The captain was going insane, obsessed with her mission, and the ship was falling apart…"

[_Myway stares at The Doctor. Suddenly, Cakemix runs up to her, excited._]

**Cakemix:** Lookie-lookie Captain, I found this-a watch buried under the rubble! When you press the light-up button, this little person dances the disco!

**Myway:** [_Takes the watch_.] The watch Chevrolet gave me, for my birthday! I ordered him to destroy it but… [_Gulp, sniff_.] That man never gets tired of mutinying against my orders. I miss our arguments so much…. [_Puts on the watch, and presses the light button, smiling and the disco-dancing stick figure_.] How do I look, Cakemix? [_Poses dramatically, showing off the watch_.]

**Cakemix:** Bad-ass, Captain!

[_Suddenly, there is a little jingly sound, like from a '90s computer_.]

**Farily Dim:** Hey Captain, we've got mail! [_He is sitting at another table, with an opened laptop_.] It's from Tim and Chevrolet!

**DAY 201**

**Captain Myway (V.O.): **Captain's log: We're flying back to the timeship, to pick up Tim and Chevrolet. Though still prisoners aboard Anthrax's ship, they have made bribes and deals with their guards—the details of which I really didn't need to know—and managed to concoct an escape plan. Frogger has no weapons, but we have secured two allies—the Trench Coat Gang, and the Bucket Hat Gang. They'll each send a ship to protect us, as we fly to pick up Tim and Chevrolet.

[_Frogger flies out of the pink nebula, and right into a field of small brown asteroids_.]

**B'Zooka:** It's a Class-B cocoa-pebble field, Captain.

**Myway:** Really. In that case, open one of the hatches, so we can take a few of them in. we're short on food, Cakemix can brew us up some cereal to live off of for a few weeks.

[_Frogger soon makes its way to Anthrax's vessel, accompanied by its two ally ships_. _Meanwhile_, _aboard the timeship, Antrhax and his crew watch as the three ships approach. Tim and Chevrolet stand nearby. Anthrax sits in his Captain's chair, still wearing his Packers jersey and cheese head—he was interrupted in the middle of another game._]

**Anthrax: **It's Myway! [_Sips beer nervously_.] And she has allies!

[_Russian Guy suddenly beams Tim and Chevrolet off the timeship, back to Frogger_. _Anthrax glares at him, in shock and rage_.]

**Russian Guy: **Vat can I say, boss. You treat us all like crrrap, and ze prisoners treated us to a very enthusiastic bribery!

**Anthrax:** You whore!

**Russian Guy: **Hey, maybe if you had a few _women_ on zis sexist ship, ve wouldn't have to take such drastic measures! Just vone more zing we haf all been frustrated with, on zis stupid timeship.

* * *

><p><strong>MEANWHILE: <strong>

**Myway: **So we're all a family again! Excellent! Now let's blow Anthrax out of the stars!

**Trench Coat Captain (V.O.):** We _are_ the stars, 'cause the Trench Coat Gang is the BEST!

**Bucket Hat Gang:** El wrong-o, bro! Trench coats suck! The Bucket Hat Gang is the best!

**Myway:** Now just a minute, you're supposed to be fighting Anthrax, not each oth—

[_The com. System goes to static, as the Trench Coat Gang and the Bucket Hat Gang blow each other up_.]

**Myway:** [_Groans, rubbing her temples_.] Great. No weapons, no allies. And there's only five minutes left of the episode. Looks like there's only one way to end this…

**Chevrolet:** No, [_Shaking his head_.] No way!

**Myway:** We're going to crash Frogger into Anthrax's ship!

**Chevrolet:** He-em, "we"?

**Myway:** If we do, all of history might be restored!

**Tim Parsnip:** MIGHT?

[_Frogger dives towards Anthrax's ship_.]

**Myway:** [_Wild-eyed_] YEEEEE-HAAAAA!

**Anthrax:** [_Hugs his beer and popcorn with fear, as Myway approaches_.]

_**KWA-BOOOOOOOM!**_

**DAY 1**

[_Frogger flies by, shinny and clean_.]

**Fairly Dim:** We're being hailed Captain.

**Myway:** On-screen.

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Picks up remote_] I'm not sure why, but for some reason, I'm just really glad to be alive right now.

**B'Zooka Tourgide:** I'm not sure why, but the sight of Fairly and Chevrolet clean-shaven with brushed hair is making me extremely depressed.

**Anthrax:** [_Appears on-screen_.] Have we met? Well anyway, please stay out of our territory.

**Myway:** Will do. Parsnip, take us around their space.

**Fairly Dim:** Well, I think we should all celebrate our new ass-trometrics lab!

**Tucacca:** I can see! Wait, why does that surprise me? Why am I wearing sunglasses? [_Takes off his shades and tosses them away_.]

**Myway:** The Ensign is right! Don't just stand there everyone, break out the Red Bull and shot glasses!

* * *

><p><strong>ANTHRAX'S HOME PLANET:<strong>

**Anthrax's Wife (The Mom from "That 70s Show")**: Honey, are you working on that silly time-ship again?

**Anthrax:** I'm busy, dear-y. I've much work to do, and the game starts in—

**TV:** We regret to announce that the Packers/Cowboys game is canceled, as the stadium they were meant to play in today apparently never existed. It's as if some strange time paradox has prevented this game from occurring, at this very moment! The game will be rescheduled, once the coaches figure out where to play it.

**Anthrax:** Huh, that's odd. In that case honey, I guess I'll go to church with you. I guess I can…make the time!

_**D-D-CHH!**_

_**FIN**_


	6. The Killing Game

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Extreme Role-Playing!"**

**(Spoofing "The Killing Game," Season 4)**

**Summary: ** _Nerds of the Hit-and-Run species force the Frogger crew to partake in holodeck role-playing games._

* * *

><p><strong>HOLODECK 1: A CAVE<strong>

[_Captain Myway, done up like a Clingon, battles a Hit-and-run hunter, with giant Clingon Pi'Za Slicers_. _The Hit-and-run is reptilian, black-eyed, and vicious looking, except for the large dorky glasses perched on his nose._]

**Hit-and-run:** You are relentless pray! [_Giggle, snort_] I love these violent role-playing games!

**Myway:** I'm no one's pray! I am a Regular! I cannot be ki—_Caugh, gasp, wheeze!_

[_The Hit-and-Run has stabbed her with a knife_.]

**Hit-and-Run: **Hmm, she's okay as a Clingon, but it doesn't quite suit her. I wonder how she'd do as Humphrey Bogart? Let's move Captain Myway to the WWII "Casablanca"-homage program!

* * *

><p><strong>HOLODECK 2: A Restaurant in WWII France That's Obviously Not A Shout-Out To <strong>_**Rick's Café**_**. **

[_Frogger crewmembers mingle with holograms of silver-screen actors, drinking and gossiping in 1940s suits and dresses. Nazi officers, both human and Hit-and-Run, walk around, patrolling the place_.

_At one table, Ensign Spam Wildthing swaps jokes with a holo-Lauren Bacall; at another, the Delirious sisters (the hot twins) flirt with a holo-Cary Grant. Lt. Jim Carrey, (from Engineering) walks by with his arm hooked around holo- Ingrid Bergman's, while Lieutenants Bob and Tito (Tuvacca's two security men) sit in French police uniforms, drinking with Claude Rains. Crewman Tall Celery (the brown-haired Bajoran girl) is on a date with a holo- Humphrey Bogart. Crewman Chip (the bald, blue guy) approaches them in a waiter's tux, and serves them drinks._]

**Crewman Chip: **Here are your drinks Monsieur, Madame! Oh I'm sorry Monsieur Bogart, but there is no smoking allowed in this café; only alcohol consumption! This is a family-friendly TV show, after all!

[_He plucks the cigarette from Bogart and tosses it into a trash bin, while Boargt stares at him murderously_. _At another table sit the young Vulcan ensign Forklift, with holo-Peter Lorre_.]

**Peter Lorre:** You despise me, don't you?

**Forklift:** To despise is a human emotion, which I lack. Likewise, your large sad puppy-eyes will not affect me, Mr. Lorre.

**Peter Lorre:** [_Blinks at Forklift in confusion_.]

**Myway:** [_In a white suit and bowtie_] Welcome, welcome to my night club, everyone! Have a seat gentleman!

[_She seats two Hit-and-Run officers, who are dressed like Nazis. One of these is Captain Villain; the other is Lt. Rookie. Lt. Rookie stares at Myway, confused_.]

**Lt. Rookie:** Who are you?!

**Myway:** [_Waving a hand gracefully_] I am _Katrine_!

**Lt. Rookie:** No you're not, you some butch les-boy who's trying to impersonate Humphrey Bogart from "Casablanca" and…..succeeding!

**Myway:** Why thank you, monsieur! …And now, my best singer will entertain you all!

[_Telephone Line steps up to the front of the café, in a glittering black dress, with her hair down and curled in 1940s fashion. In each hand, she holds an old-school milkshake, one vanilla and one chocolate_.]

**Myway:** Play it, Sam!

[_A holographic Dooley Wilson (or "Sam") plays a soft tune on the piano. Telephone does a cute little dance, and sings_.]

**Telephone:** _Ma milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours…._

**Tucacca:** [_Working as the bar tender, wearing an exact replica of Bogart's white suit from "Casablanca_."] I do believe I wore a tuxedo similar to this in "Roots." And I was a butler in _that_ series as well. Curious.

**Myway:** Monsieur Tú Vacca, what in the world are you talking about?

**Tuvacca:** [_Freezes, pouring a drink_.] I'm not sure, Katrine. It's as if some strange, dormant memory was creeping up to the surface…no matter. I am probably just tired, and a little bit buzzed.

**Myway:** All right then, carry on. [_Turns to her patrons_.] Well everyone, I'm afraid it's closing time. Everybody out, especially the Nazis! Not that we have any problem with the Nazis. Yes, go one, adieu.

[_As she speaks, she is shoving the entire cluster of people—crewmembers, holograms, and Hit-and-Run—out the door. Then she slams the door, locks it, and triple-bolts it_.]

**Myway:** Okay people, it's magic time!

[_Tuvacca presses a low key on the piano, and the entire bar spins around in the wall. When it's finished, it now has a map of Europe in place of the alcohol shelf, and radio instead of the cash register_.]

**Cakemix:** Mesa delivering the secret codes in these whiskey bottles! Katrine, you don't think the Nazis will suspect us of secretly being in the French Resistance, do you?

**Tuvacca:** Doubtful, since none of us have French accents.

**Telephone Line:** These secret meetings are idiotic. We should be helping the allies by assassinating these Nazi pigs!

**B'Zooka:** So Katrine is the leader…Tuvacca is her yes-man…I'm pregnant, Annika is argumentative, and Cakemix is annoying…why am I getting the feeling of déjà vu?

* * *

><p><strong>A HALLWAY, ABOARD FROGGER:<strong>

**Hit-and-Run #4: **[_Munching Cheetos_] Work faster, Dweeb, or we shall force you to sit through more of our stiff acting.

**Farily Dim:** [_Typing the wall panel furiously, with his pointer fingers_.] You've turned half the ship into a giant holodeck. That's suicide! No Star Freak ship can go more than eight episodes without a holodeck malfunction as it is!

**Hit-and-run #4: **Role-playing is a serious art! You humans just don't understand. Isn't that right, Dexter!

**Hit-and-run #6/Dexter:** Yeah, you said it Sheldon! We're not justht a bunch of nerds! We are conducting _therious _research here! We are attempting to find out whether a Clingon would beat a Nazi in a fight!

**Sheldon:** The Clingon, obviously. [_Giggle, snort_.]

**Dexter:** I dithagree, Sheldon. The Clingon may be larger in thize, but the Nazi ith many times more vithious…

**Farily Dim:** [_Whispers to a crewman next to him_.] Psst, Nameless Crewman! Can you distract the Hit-and-run for five minutes, so I can get the Doctor in here and talk about our escape plan?

**Crewman Randall:** [_Whispering_] I can probably pull off a five-minute death that will keep their attention. I'll shoot for ten minutes, but no promises.

[_Crewman Randall walks to another panel down the hall, and sticks his finger in it, electrocuting himself. He screams and flays around dramatically, lightning and sparks dancing around him. The Hit-and-run watch, awe-struck, half-consciously still munching the popcorn and Cheetos they stole from Frogger's supplies cupboard. Meanwhile, Dim beams The Doctor into the hallway._]

**The Doctor:** Ensign! I have a plan now. We use Telephone Line's plot-saving Bored implants to bring everyone's memories back. Then we round up all of the Clingons from Holodeck 1, the Silver Screen stars from Holodeck 2, and the entire able-bodied crew, and we fight off the Nazis and the Hit-and-run! Well, you all do. I, meanwhile, shall tend to the wounded, in the back, where it's safe…

**Fairly Dim:** Sounds good!

* * *

><p><strong>HOLO-FRANCE:<strong>

[_B'Zooka walks up to a building guarded by Nazis, where she is met by a buff blonde Nazi. This guy is a hologram. They kiss and hug_.]

**B'Zooka:** Oh Herr Boyfriend, I love you so much, and I'm going to have your baby. I think you should tell me where Nazi headquarters are…

**Herr Boyfriend:** Here, in this building, heavily guarded by all ze Nazis.

**B'Zooka: …**Right.

* * *

><p><strong>MEANWHILE, ON THE STREETS: <strong>

[_Cakemix rides down the cobblestone street on a tricycle, whistling "Welcome to Duloc" from "Shrek." Telephone Line walks briskly beside him, in a polka-dotted dress and a cute 1940s hat_. _Two Hit-and-Run Nazis—Dexter and Sheldon—watch them, from the shadows._]

**Sheldon:** So Dexter, I know that _we _know these two characters are secretly with the French Resistance. But do our characters, who we're role-playing right now, know? I mean, should we act like we know, or just act like we're suspicious, or act like we're clueless, or what?

**Dexter:** I don't know, I've never underthood it. I'm jusht gonna do exactly what every Trekkie hath been wanting to do, since the birth of this "Frogger" theries! [Pulls out his gun, and aims at Cakemix.]

**Sheldon:** Couldn't agree with you more! [_Shoots Telephone Line_.]

**Dexter:** Dude, what the hell?

**Sheldon:** I'm a Keish fan! Her ESP episodes were _so_ much better than all of this Bored crap!

**Dexter: **[_Shrugs, then shoots Cakemix_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY:<strong>

[_The Doctor treats Telephone and Cakemix, who are still in their 1940s outfits_.]

**Sheldon:** Let's put this Cakemix creature in the Clingon program, and see how fast he gets chopped in two!

**Dexter:** Thure. But leave the blonde girl in the '40s program. I like when she things that "milk thake" song!

**Sheldon:** Speaking of which, I found a "Star Wars" magazine that has Princess Leia as Miss Centerfold—in her gold slave bikini!

[_While the two villainous virgins giggle and snort over the magazine, the Doctor pries Telehone's eyes opened. Then he pulls out a yo-yo, and begins to hypnotize her.]_

**The Doctor:** [_Whispering_] Telephone, after the next commercial break, you will remember everything that has happened in the real world, and maintain your real identify, even as you are put back in that silly WWII program! You will then help the rest of the crew regain their memories, by….

* * *

><p><strong>LATER, IN NOT-RICK'S CAFÉ: <strong>

**Telephone Line: **_I'm a geeenie in a boootle, ya gotta rub me the right way—_ [_Suddenly regains her memory, and looks around in confusion_.] Excuse me, I must discontinue this activity. I…believe that I have left my refrigerator on at home. [_Hurries out of the café_.]

**James Cagney:** What in Sam Hill's a "refrigerator?"

**Humphrey Bogart:** Beats me. I'm still trying ta' figure out what those metal ornaments were on that blonde dame's face. She looks like something outta' "Metropolis."

[_For no reason at all, Peter Lorre starts his famous raspy cackle, while Cagney and Bogart just stare. Bogart finally slaps him across the face, shutting him up. Peter looks down, sad_.]

**Myway:** [_Leans over the bar, to whisper to Tuvacca_.] Refrigerators haven't been invented yet! I think our blonde friend is up to something.

**Tuvacca:** Indeed. Our courier Cakemix vanished when he went on a mission with her, yet she returned unharmed. She may be a spy for the Nazis.

**Myway:** Well then let's find out!

[_She rips off her white suit and flings it away, revealing a black cat suit underneath. Tuvacca raises an eyebrow. She straps a pair of guns to her thighs, "Resident Evil"-like. She then faces her guests, and speaks more loudly_]

**Myway:** My apologies, everyone. We've ah, got to help our friend fix her refrigerator. Our back-up singers will entertain you tonight.

[_Myway nods to James Cagney, who understands, and runs to the bathroom. He comes out a few seconds later, wearing a sparkly suit and top hat, trailing a line of cancan girls with fake cat ears and tails. Sam starts up a tune on the piano._]

* * *

><p><strong>MEANWHILE, IN AN AMERICAN ARMY TENT:<strong>

[_Captain Chevrolet, looking quite dashing in his U.S. army outfit and '40s hairstyle, is going over a map of Europe, while listening to Seven's "Milkshake" song on the radio.]_

**Chevrolet:** Why do I feel like I've done this before—lead a group of rugged freedom fighters against a bunch of power-hungry villains…

**Tim Parsnip**: [_Walks in, munching on something from a popcorn bag_.] Hey Cap'n. Just thought you should know, the city we're about to attack is the last place I saw the love of my life. Could get melodramatic.

**Chevrolet:** Ah, let me guess: you met a beautiful girl, ate a few snails, and got to know the city by heart.

**Tim Parsnip:** Yeah. Want some? [_Offers Chevrolet a handful of snails, from his popcorn bag_.]

* * *

><p><strong>MEANWHILE: <strong>

[_Tuvacca sneaks up to Nazi headquarters in a long trench coat, carrying a machine gun. He begins to kick ass, shooting the hell out of the Nazis, and drawing their attention. Meanwhile, Myway and Telephone Line sneak into the building, both in black catsuits. They sneak into the control room, where a Nazi is listening to radio headphones. Myway knocks him unconscious, then puts on the headphones_.]

**Myway:** These Nazis listen to some strange music. [_The headphones are playing "Play That Funky Music White Boy._"] Strange, yet catchy… [_Begins bobbing to the tune_.]

[_Telephone isn't listening. She is digging through the book shelf, until she finds a glowing panel on the wall. It bears the Star Freak logo, and reads, "Ass Pull Technobabble Button." Suddenly, Myway takes off the headphones and points a gun at her_.]

**Myway:** What is that? What are you doing?

**Telephone:** I am…just…searching to see if they have a copy of "Harry Potter and the Chocolate Factory…" [_Mutters to herself_] If only the Doctor had briefed me better on this time period…

**Myway:** [_Clicks gun back_.] You're contacting the Nazis. Fortunately for you, I like to monologue before I shoot someone… [_ZAP! She looks up at Telephone, her memory restored_.] …Telephone?

**Telephone Line:** Captain. You have many questions, I presume?

**Myway:** Oh only about a million! First off, who had catsuits like this in the 1940s? But more importantly, where are my crew? Are all of us trapped in this WWII program?

**Telephone:** All of the senior officers except Cakemix, who is among Clingons, and Ensign Dim, who is working as a slave for the Hit-and-Run. The rest of the crew appears to be scattered.

**Myway:** So where's Naomi Wildthing, the ship's only child? Is she out there serving the Hit-and-Run lemonade? Or does she think she's a little Jewish girl hiding in an attic?

* * *

><p><strong>MEANHWILE, IN AN ATTIC: <strong>

**Naomi Wildthing:** _Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, dreidel dreidel dreidel, with dreidel I shall play. _Second verse, same as the first!_ Dreidel dreidel dreidal…_

**OUTSIDE:**

**Tuvacca:** [_Spinning in a circle, firing his two machine guns nonstop_.] RAAAAAAAAA! [_20 Nazis now lie dead at his feet, and he stands there, panting viciously._]

**Chevrolet:** Need a hand, buddy? [_Runs down the steps to Tuvacca, with his entire U.S. Troop_.] Captain Miller-Light, third infantry. [_Picks up a nearby phone_.] Hello, Nazi headquarters? Yes, I need to speak to a Mr. Giver, first initials B.J….

[_All the Americans laugh. Tim Parsnip mutters, "That was my idea!" While the Nazis are distracted by the crank call, the Americans toss a bomb into the building._]

**Myway:** Oh crap, this building's gonna blow! Come on Telephone!

[_She and Telephone run out of the building dramatically, and dive forward as it explodes. The blast takes off part of the holodeck wall, revealing several of the ship's decks. The brainwashed crewmembers and holograms stare in confusion_.]

**Chevrolet: **How did the Nazis camouflage that compound?!

**Tim Parsnip:** Nazis my ass, this has got to be aliens or something!

* * *

><p><strong>MEANWHILE, IN THE REAL WORLD<strong>

**Fairly Dim:** Smooth.

**Hit-and-Run Commander:** [_Slaps him, sissy-like_.]

* * *

><p><strong>MYWAY'S CAFÉ:<strong>

[_Chevrolet and his troop rush in to take refuge, accompanied by Tuvacca, Myway, Telephone, and B'Zooka_. _The few holographic bar-patrons still left in the café look up, bemused, but then return to their drinks and conversations._]

**Myway:** Look at Tim and Chevrolet, Telephone! Can you believe it?

**Telephone:** That they've survived the violence of a holo-WWII, or that they think they're G.I. Joes?

**Myway:** No, they always think that. But look at their hairstyles! Aren't they so much sexier with 1940s hair, instead of that super-gelled Ken Doll look they usually have? ….Oh give me a break. I haven't had a boyfriend in about three years.

**Chevrolet:** Tim, call for back up, so we can bomb that alien Nazi compound—

**Myway:** Don't do that, you'll blow more holes in my ship!

**Chevrolet:** Ooookaaaay, never mind Tim. In that case why don't you go have a dramatic moment with your ex-girlfriend, while Katrine and I talk this over.

[_Sam plays "As Time Goes By" on the piano, as Tim and B'Zooka approach each other_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the _WOW_! [_Sees her pregnant stomach_] This is awkward.

**B'Zooka:** It's not what you think my love. [_Gulp_.] I've been spying on the Nazis, and one of them was gullible enough to take me on as his mistress. [_Sniff_.] The child is his, but I hate him. [_Sam's piano music becomes even more emotional._]

**Myway:** [_Sniff_] Now that's classic golden-age melodrama.

**Cheverolet:** Huh?

**Myway:** Nothing. Here, Captain Bud Light. Wanna help me find some allies? [_She goes behind the counter, and finds the door to the Geoffrey's Tube, with Geoffrey the Giraffe on it. She hauls it opened_.] The, uh, French Resistance dug this secret tunnel, into some caves…

[_A little cartoon boy drawn in "South Park" animation runs out of the tunnel, with a shovel in one hand and a cigarette in the other, yelling "Sheet, sheet!" as a pack of guard dogs chases him. Chevrolet watches the boy go by, slightly confused. He follows Myway into the tube. They come out on Holodeck 1, with the Clingons_.]

**Cakemix:** Grrr, who dares enter mesa territory? My gonna boil yousa alive, in a cauldron with leola root and perfect seasoning, and then serve your roasted remains to yousa grand-babies! [_Waves Clingon dagger threateningly_.]

**Chevrolet:** I didn't know the Vikings were still around…

**Myway:** Please, my good…uh…sir. We need your help in our battle against the Nazis. Will you help us?

**Cakemix:** [_Thinks it over_.] Yes. But first…we drink! [_Tosses Chevrolet a canteen of alcohol_.]

**Myway:** [_Mutters_] Don't drink it. It's twice as strong as whiskey.

[_Chevrolet eyes the canteen with interest_.]

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY: <strong>

[_All hell has broken loose. Tim and another American soldier shoot some Nazis dead. Then they run into Fairly Dim.]_

**Fairly Dim:** Tim!

**Tim Parsnip:** Wrong guy pal. Who are you?

**Farily Dim:** Um, I'm a civilian, I'm American! Don't shoot!

**Tim:** American huh? Okay then, answer me this: are you skinny?

**Fairly:** Huh? No, I'm just average—[_catches himself_] Wait, wait! Yes, I'm skinny, I'm anorexic! Cakemix and that fat blue guy are "average!"

**Tim:** Okay then, I believe you. [_Moves on_.]

* * *

><p><strong>BACK TO THE CLINGONS: <strong>

**Myway:** [_Presses some buttons behind a rock_.] Voila! Now we _all_ have our memories back! Cakemix, you, Chevrolet and I will—

**Chevrolet:** Hic! [_Passes out, the empty canteen in his hand_.]

**Myway:** [_Facepalms_.] All right then… [_Presses more buttons, beaming The Doctor into the cave_.] The Doctor, you and Cakemix will lead these Clingons into the WWII simulation. I'll try to wake up this drunken idiot, and we'll make a bomb to threaten the bad guys with.

**Cakemix:** Oh I don't know Captain…Mesa not much of a fighter….

**The Doctor:** Just pretend that the Nazis and the Hit-and-Run are stubborn giant vegetables that need to be chopped up for a delicious casserole.

**Cakemix:** [_Face brightens_] I can do that! [_Picks up the Clingon Pi'Za Slicer and runs forward, at the front of the raging Clingon army_.]

**The Doctor:** Tallyho. [_Follows, with a dagger_.]

**Myway:** [_Hits Chevrolet's shoulder_.] Hey Chevrolet, does the Mosquito freedom fighter in you still remember how to make a bomb out of odd knick-knacks?

**Chevrolet:** Mmm…blech? [_Blinks awake_.] Bomb…bomb…yes! Yes I can make a bomb!

[_They rush to Sickbay—for some reason—and there, Chevrolet constructs a bomb out of an alarm clock, some pens, paperclips, and a Christmas Tree ball_.]

**Myway:** Okay, now get back to the holodeck and help America and the Clingons fight those Nazis. I'll take this bomb meanwhile, and negotiate with the Hit-and-run captain. Oh, and here's this. [_Tosses him a grenade._] I found it in the "Ass Pull Gadgets" drawer here in Sickbay. It's a special grenade that will eliminate holograms it's thrown at. You can use it to get rid of the holographic Nazis!

**Chevrolet:** Unless it backfires, which I'm sure it won't.

* * *

><p><strong>FRANCE: <strong>

[_The battle's underway, but the Clingons haven't arrived yet_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Shooting his rifle from a trench_.] So you're not really pregnant B'Zooka?

**B'Zooka:** [_Also shooting_.] No, no. My actress is just pregnant, and they wove it into this episode's storyline. Come on, me, pregnant? Like that would ever happen!

**Chevrolet:** Get ready to throw that grenade, Telephone!

**Tim Parsnip:** That's right baby-doll, show those Nazi punks what a gun-ho dame you are! Put your gams into it and throw that smackaroo right in their faces!

**Telehpone Line:** Lt. Parsnip, you haven't the faintest idea what you are saying, do you.

**Tim:** Not a clue.

[_A Hit-and-Run soldier suddenly shoots Telephone, and she falls unconscious, dropping the grenade. It goes off, eliminating the entire American army, minus Tim and Chevrolet_.]

**Tim:** I was _wondering _if Chevrolet and I were the only real people in that army.

**B'Zooka:** Great. So not only do we have real crewman who die way too easily, but we have holographic redshirts as well.

**Herr Boyfriend:** Shut up, you manipulative harpy! I always suspected that something didn't quite look Aryan about you.

**Hit-and-Run Dexter:** It theems that harathing women ith common for thith "Nazi" culture, so I shall play along appropriately. [_Wakes up Telephone Line, and points a gun at her_.] Sing that "Milk Shake" song for me! Sing or die, subtherviant female!

**Telephone Line: **Firstly, I have no memory of this role-playing-game before I got my memory back, so I don't even know how that song goes. And secondly, no.

**Dexter:** In that case, you thall all die! Against the wall, piggies, all of you!

**Herr Boyfriend:** Except for my ex-mistress, since she carries a German child.

[_The heroes, minus B'Zooka, are lined up against a brick wall_.]

**Herr Boyfriend:** Any last vords?

**Tim:** [_Points to Chevrolet_] How come _he_ gets to be the American captain?

**Chevrolet:** I'm more "American" than any of you!

**Tim: **Actually I have another question—why's the ground rumbling?

[_Suddenly, the Clingons burst in from the left, lead by a manic Cakemix and a bored The Doctor! Then from the right comes Fairly Dim, brandishing a pistol in each hand, with all of the Golden Age actors and actresses behind him! Everyone joins in on the battle, as Sam plays "Blazing Saddles" on his piano (in the middle of the street)_.]

**Cakemix:** Slice into halves! Dice into quarters! Aaaand mince! [_Slicing and dicing bad guys left and right_]

**Chevrolet: **Get off our ship! [_Throws Dexter the John Wayne Punch. Dexter stumbles backwards, into John Wayne himself, who delivers an identical blow_.]

**Clingon:** _MI'CASA SU CASAAAA_! [_Raises his Pi'Za Slicer over Herr Boyfriend_]

**Herr Boyfriend**: _OH SHEIZER_! [_Is chopped in half_.]

**B'Zooka:** Ha-ha! [_Laughing at her dead "boyfriend," while karate chopping bad guys_]

**Holo-Humphrey Bogart:** When you're slapped you'll take it and like it! [_Slaps Hit-and-Run Sheldon repeatedly._]

[_Tim Parsnip and Fairly Dim stand against each other's backs, shooting nonstop. Meanwhile, Sam is still playing the "Blazing Saddles" theme on his piano. Holo-James Cagney leads holo-Priscilla Lane, Ingrid Bergman, and Vivian Leigh in a show-tune dance to Sam's music, where they "accidently" smack and kick bad guys to the ground (the girls using their arms and legs, Cagney using his cane and hat)_. _The Doctor, meanwhile, walks around singing an opera version of "He Rode a Blazing Saddle," knocking enemies over with his loud voice._ _Holo-Gladys George smashes a potted plant over a Nazi's head, stunning him; Tuvacca then finishes him off with the Vulcan neck-pinch._]

**Telephone Line: ** [_Shoots a Nazi, then spins around—blond hair flying—and stabs a Hit-and-run with her assimilation tubes._] And as for you…! [_Turns, to find herself facing a Hit-and-run holding a phaser-rifle_.] Oh…

**Holo-Peter Lorre:** [_Stabs the Hit-and-run from behind with a Clingon dagger, cackling madly. Then looks around innocently, and walks away whistling "Hall of the Mountain King."_]

**Dexter:** Back up, back up! Where ith our back up?

[_Holo-Gladys Geroge is now distracting the rest of the holo-Nazis, by leading them in a German drinking song around a campfire. She sings gleefully as they each pass out from drunkenness, one by one_._ Clark Gable kills a few Nazis with a Clingon Slicer, then tosses the Slicer to B'Zooka, so she can kill a Hit-and-Run with it. Tuvacca and Chevrolet chase a group of Hit-and-Run down the street, to a boat harbor, where a black-and-white Mickey Mouse fires cannons at them from his boat. Ensign Spam Wildthing and her daughter Naomi stand behind a pie-stand on the street, throwing pies in enemies' faces. The Three Stooges take down Hit-and-Run with their eye-poking routine. _

_The camera zooms out above the bizarre battle scene, the "Blazing Saddles" music reaching its climax. Then the camera pans away, out of the holodeck, to hallway on the ship. Captain Myway is running, pursued by the leader of the Hit-and-Run, Captain Villain, who is chasing her with a WWII rifle._]

**Captain Villain**: Run Myway, run! I am a hunter, and you are my pray! [_While running, he consults a role-playing book of "World Of Darkness: Hunter, The Reckoning"_]

**Myway:** [_Runs around the corner, out of Captain Villain's sight_] Think Katherine, think. Back to those cute cartoon holos you used to watch as a girl…What would Road Runner do?

[_She suddenly_ _comes to the spot where the holo-program ends. The dead "body" of holo-Roy Rodgers lies on the floor. His legs are not visible, because he is laying across the halfway point, where the holo-program ends. Myway grabs the dead cowboy and drags him back, fully into holo-territory. Then she runs past him, and hides behind some rubble, in the not-holo part of the hallway. Captain Villain comes around the corner a few seconds later._]

**Captain Villain: **Nice hiding place, Myway.

**Myway:** [_Southern Accent_] Oh plu-leese Capt'n Hit-and-Run, do whatever ya want to me, but just don't bring that brier holo-rifle another foot closer to me!

**Captain Villain:** [_Steps forward, and his holo-rifle vanishes_.] Oh balls.

**Myway:** [_Stands up, and holds up the crude bomb Chevrolet made earlier_.] Now you have a choice! Either solve this peacefully, with diplomacy and humanity and compassion, or we all explode in a fire-ball! NYA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!

**Captain Villain:** Are you always this…extreme, Captain Myway?

**Myway:** [_Wild-eyed_] You have no idea!

**Captain Villain:** I can't give up this simulation, Captain. You don't understand what is at stake here!

**Myway:** Oh I know what's at stake. Your sick little role-playing game! Why don't you nerds just end this and get a life?!

**Captain Villain: ** It is not just a game! You see Captain Myway….the entire Hit-and-Run culture has revolved around the Hunt, for centuries. Millennia. But my people are hunting themselves to extinction. The meat-heads of the planet, anyway. Soon, us wimpy nerds will be all that is left of our species. In order to preserve our culture, I have created these Hunt-based role playing games for the nerds, the geeks, the ones who will soon inherit the Hit-and-Run home planet.

**Myway:** But then why on earth would you drag my crew into your sick role-playing games? Why not just kill holograms?

**Captain Villain:** To study how you guys get into character. It seems that your crew has been thrust into many role-playing scenarios already.

**Myway:** Well, we've been in 1990s L.A., medieval Ireland, an evil-twin version of our own ship, a "Flash Gordon" spoof, and now WWII…[_Shrugs_] Yeah, I'd say that's fair. But Captain Villain, you don't need to torture my crew to continue your hunt. Let me give you some of our holo technology, and you can continue your role-playing games on your own.

**Captain Villain:** Well…okay. [_Shakes Myway's hand_.] I shall call a truce then—

_**SPEW! **_

**Hit-and-Run Dexter:** [_Holding a smoking phaser gun_] Ha-ha! You tried to make peath with our captain; you thought it was all over. But I've murdered him and taken over! Now the thakes have been raised again!

**Myway:** The stakes? We have four minutes left of this episode! We don't need any more stakes!

**Dexter:** Oh…Um… [_Looks down at his dead captain, then back up at Myway._] Well I uh, I guess you can just tell me what you told him then…?

**Myway:** [_Sighs, then raises the bomb over her head_.] Call truce…we'll give you holo-technology…blah blah help your species…make peace or we all go boom.

**Dexter:** D'uuuuh….Okay.

* * *

><p><strong>TRANSPORTER ROOM:<strong>

[_The Senior Staff meets with the Hit-and-Run leaders. All the Frogger characters are back in their normal uniforms and hairstyles—sadly_.]

**Sheldon:** Captain Myway, please accept my most sincere apologies for trying to slaughter your crew. None of you were wearing collars, and so we assumed that you'd legally be considered "feral" and were therefore fair game.

**Myway:** [_Smiling diplomaticall_y.] Please, please. Just accept this gift from us, and get lost.

[_She presents him with a cardboard box, labeled "Holodeck Cube", topped with a red bow. The Hit-and-Run take the gift, return to their ships, and leave_.]

**Myway:** That's gonna come back to haunt us in Season 7, isn't it.

**Cheverolet:** Yup.

**THE END. **


	7. State of Flux

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**The Spy Who Shagged Me"**

**(Spoofing "State of Flux," Season 1)**

**Summary: **_Salsa's cover is officially blown!_

**SCENE 1: AN ALIEN PLANET THAT LOOKS REMARKABLY LIKE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA**

[_Commander Chevrolet is leading a party of 20 crewmen, to forage for food. Everyone has their dreadful Season 1 hairstyles._]

**Lt. Jim Carrey: **Yo Commander-dude,I found some apples. A few of them have worms in them, but we can just beam those out and serve them in a separate dish to the Clingons aboard, hahaha!

[_B'Zooka Tourgide comes up behind Carrey, snarling, and viciously punches him to the ground, sending his apples flying_.]

**Chevrolet: **[_Looks down at Carrey, and nods_.]Excellent work lieutenant. [_It is unclear whether he is talking to B'Zooka, Carrey, or both._] What about you, Hogan?

**Lt. Hulk Hogan: **[_A muscular crewman with a blond mustache, mullet, and blue bandana_]I wrestled down a few alien critters for Cakemix to fry up tonight!

**Cakemix:** Oh good! Mesa can use some meat, in my Leola root stew tonight!

**Chevrolet:** Your…what now?

**Cakemix:** Leola root! This planet's full of it! It's a rare delicacy here in the Dipwad Quadrant. Try it, Commander! [_Offers Chevrolet a yellow, twisted, lumpy root_.]

**Chevrolet:** All righty…[_Nibbles the very edge of Leola root, rabbit-like. Then spits it out, ranger-like_.] I wouldn't feed this to the crew if we were starving!

**Cakemix:** But wesa not starving…so you can feed it to the crew! Oh, Lt. Carrey, drop those apples now! Those-sa poisonous!

**Jim Carey:** ….Oh. [_Turns, and looks at the bodies of the three nameless crewmen he already fed apples to_.]

**B'Zooka:** Where'd you find apples in the middle of the Dipwad Quadrant, anyway?

**Carrey:** [_Shrugs_] Nice old lady in a black cape offered me the whole basket for free.

**Cakemix:** Uuugh, Kiesh's step-mother again.

**Myway (V.O.):** Frogger to away team! Get back to the ship. We've detected Krutons on that planet.

**Chevrolet:** So? The Krutons suck. They're lamer villains than Egg Head and the rest from that '60s "Batman." Do we really have to spend a whole first season pretending we're afraid of these clowns?

**Myway (V.O.):** You might not have to pretend when they have semi-automatic phaser rifles to kill you with!

**Chevrolet:** What? How in the frak did the Krutons get a hold of… ?

**Myway:** Start-of-the-episode mystery, Chevy. The sooner you get back to Frogger, the sooner we can start cracking it.

**Chevrolet:** All right, all right, everyone get back here. Have we got everybody? B'Zooka, Carrey, Hogan, Wildthing, Cakemix…wait a minute, where's Salsa?

**Ensign Spam Wildthing**: [_Pregnant_] I saw Salsa going near that cave, a few minutes ag_OWW! _Baby, stop poking mommy with your horns! Ouch!

[_Chevrolet runs to the cave, with his standard Star Freak water-pistol phaser out. He hears voices talking. He moves against the wall, while the "James Bond" theme plays softly. Slowly, he moves around the corner, to see 'sup. He finds a group of werewolves in urban clothing, snarling and fighting_.]

**Werewolf Craven:** Silence! Soon those filthy vampires will fall to our might…and the Lycans will rule supreme once more!

**Werewolves:** [_Roar with cheers_.]

[_Chevrolet is confused, but realizes that this scene does not concern his series. He moves on until he bumps into…_]

**Chevrolet:** Salsa! Thank god, I was so worried about you!

[_Salsa is a brown-haired woman in a gold uniform. Her neck, and the sides of her head, are scaled like a Cargassian's; her face is covered by a yellow smiley-face mask_.]

**Salsa:** Chevrolet! I was just collecting some of those mushrooms I know you like, in these semi-automatic-shaped boxes… [_Dragging a large bag full of semiautomatic phaser rifles.]_

[_Chevrolet cranes his head to look oddly at the guns in Salsa's bag. He doesn't notice the Kruton step around the corner, with a semiautomatic phaser rifle_.]

**Kruton:** DIE HIPPIE! [_Shoots Chevrolet directly in the heart. Then empties 8 rounds of machine gun bullets on him; hoses him down with a flame thrower; and tosses a bomb at him, which explodes. Then runs off._]

**Chevrolet:** [_Stands up with a black burn mark on his chest_.] Man, what an irritating little injury that was. [_Brushes himself off_.] It almost hurt a little, too.

[_Crewman #34 walks into the cave_]

**Crewman #34:** Oh hey CommandaaaAAAAAA! [Has stepped on one of the bullets; skids into the cave wall, and is killed in a fireball explosion.]

* * *

><p><strong>LATER, IN CHEVROLET'S QUARTERS: <strong>

[_Chevrolet is enjoying his personal Native American theme music, while writing ancient hyroglyphics on a rock_.]

**Chevrolet: **I'm writing on a rock, because I'm an Indian. Indians love rocks.

[_The door chimes._ _Chevrolet reaches over and turns off his record-player, killing the Indian music. He opens the door, and Salsa steps in_.]

**Salsa:** Hi there Chev. Look what IIII got…

**Chevrolet:** Magic mushrooms! You shouldn't have! No, actually, you shouldn't have. I'm a Star Freak officer, now. I can't go eating 'shrooms aboard a Federation ship.

**Salsa: **Oh Chevrolet. I miss the days aboard the Mosquito ship, back when you were the buff, rugged captain, and I was your wench.

**Chevrolet:** Salsa, we've been through this. It could never have worked. I'm just can't get into those handcuffs, whips, and other kinky creepy stuff you like.

**Salsa**: Well, just consider it. Of course, if you're not interested, that Fairly Dim probably wouldn't put up too much of a fight.

**Chevrolet:** [_Frowns, at the mushrooms he just realized he's been eating_.] Wasn't Cakemix saving these mushrooms in the kitchen, so Kiesh could work with them in her garden or something?

**Salsa:** Well maybe I just…borrowed a few from Cakemix's stash…

**Chevrolet:** [_Holds up a mushroom, examining it closely. It has windows and a door._] Did these mushrooms used to be homes for a peace-loving forest species?

**Papa Smurf:** [_Sticks his head out the window_] Damn strait!

**Chevrolet:** Salsa, I'm writing you up for stealing from Cakemix, and for neglecting to make sure no one was living in these mushrooms before serving them as a dish. And I'm writing myself up to for… [_Sighs, blinking at the wall, which is raining rainbow colors_.]…Getting high.

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

**Myway: **_Sigh_. [Sips coffee.]

**Fairly Dim:** [_Typing at his consol, bored_.]

**Chevrolet:** Sigh. [_Typing on the little computer screen next to his chair_. _A close-up shows that he's actually playing the 1990s computer game "Rodent's Revenge."_]

**Tuvacca:** [_Muttering to himself_.] I wish I were more interesting. [_Puts on a clown nose_.] Does this make me more interesting, Captain?

_**Clunk! **_

[_Heads turn towards Fairly's consol, where the sound came from. Fairly Dim opens a slot in his consol, and pulls out a soda bottle with a rolled-up paper inside_.]

**Farily Dim:** I just received a message, Captain! [_Takes it out and unrolls it_.] "To whoever finds this message: Help. We are in distress. From the Krutons." Um, there's also this photo… [_Holds up a photo showing a mushroom cloud, over a Krouton colony on a rocky planet_.]

**Myway:** [_Spits out coffee_] By god, a species is in distress! Never worry, NEVER FEAR! [_Rips off Star Freak jacket, reveling her gray undershirt with the big yellow "M" on it_.] CAPTAIN MYWAY WILL SOON BE HE—wait, did you say Krutons? Oh. [_Sits back down_.] Chevrolet, take a team.

**Chevrolet:** [_Still playing his game_] Is this punishment for that mushroom incident earlier?

**Myway:** I dunno, sure. [_Makes to drink more coffee, then realizes her cup's empty. She snaps her fingers, and a crewman with a towel draped over one arm runs up to pour her more coffee_.]

* * *

><p><strong>DEAD KRUTON FORTRESS: <strong>

[_Chevrolet, B'Zooka Tourgide, Tim Parsnip, Salsa, and some crewman beam down, into a cave that has been made in to a fortress. The place is trashed, and blackened with ash; there was clearly an explosion here_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Who put tinfoil in the microwave?

**B'Zooka Tourgide:** More importantly, how in every timeline did the Krutons get a hold of a _Star Freak standard coffee maker_?!

**Chevrolet:** What?!

[_The group looks, and sees a large metal object in the corner. It's crushed and smoking, coffee beans spilled everywhere. Across its front reads MR. COFFEE_._ They try to walk up to it, but a force field stops them._]

**B'Zooka:** [_Knocking on the force field, like it's a door_.] Guess these guys are as protective of their coffee as Myway. [_Tries hitting it with her elbow, karate-like. The force field doesn't budge_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Is pushing against the force field, then stops_.] Um, Commander? [_Points_.] …Foot.

[_Tim is pointing to a foot, that's sticking out of the rock wall. Above the foot sticks out a hand, and above that, part of a cube-shaped head, with a scowling face_.]

**Chevrolet:** The Krutons were experimenting with transporter technology! Were those morons trying to turn that coffee maker into a transporter?

**B'Zooka:** It does _seem_ like the kind of scheme people with stale bread for brains would cook up.

**Salsa:** Welp, looks like we won't get much answers from this poor bastard. [_Thumbs behind her to the Kruton in the wall_.]

[_As Salsa continues to speak, B'Zooka is behind her, looking up at the Krouton thoughtfully_.]

**Salsa: **…Might as well just return to Frogger and report what we fou—

**B'Zooka: **[D_elivers a round-house kick to the cavern wall, making it crack and crumble away. She scans him with her tricorder_.] He's not dead, he's just resting! Let's bring him back to Frogger. He can answer some questions for us, I'll bet!

**Salsa:** [_Cringes and grindes her teeth, without turning around to look._]

* * *

><p><strong>LATER, IN A HALLWAY ABOARD FROGGER:<strong>

[_Myway, Chevrolet, and Tuvacca walk briskly down the hall, talking about the incident. It's dramatic!_]

**Tuvacca:** I have two theories as to how this could have happened. My first theory is that the Krutons have somehow managed to steal a coffee maker from us.

**Myway:** Boy would _that_ be embarrassing.

**Tuvacca:** Second: another Federation ship has become stranded in the Dipwad Quadrant, but unlike us, they have abandoned Star Freak principals.

**Chevrolet:** That sounds like a set-up for either a really awesome fan-fic, or a really stupid episode.

**Tuvacca**: I lied. I have one more theory, a disturbing one.

[_They all stop in the turbo lift. Myway and Chevrolet lean in on each side of Tuvacca, keen on hearing his theory. Tuvacca gives them a raised eyebrow, but they don't take the hint, and stay in his personal space. He gives up, and continues_.]

**Tuvacca:** Someone aboard Frogger, likely one of our recurring characters, is a traitor. We are halfway through Season 1, and now would be an appropriate time to introduce a villain.

**Myway:** I don't like theory number three, Tuvacca. I don't like theory number three at all!

**Chevrolet: **[_Shrugs_.] I think it's kind of cool!

* * *

><p><strong>THE "READY, KAFTKA!" ROOM:<strong>

[_Tuvacca leans back in a chair, looking over files on his PADD. He is wearing a gray trench coat over his Star Freak uniform, and a fedora. In his free hand is a smoking cigarette. Chevrolet and Myway are in the room with him_.]

**Tuvacca:** I have compiled a suspect list Captain, Commander. Though some of the entries on my list may upset you.

**Myway:** Like who?

**Tuvacca:** First on my list is Lt. Carrey, as he is a bit of a prick.

[_Myway and Chevrolet shrug in agreement_.]

**Tuvacca: **Second…Ensign Boo has aroused suspicion on several occasions.

**Myway & Chevrolet:** Ensign Boo?!

**Myway:** Ensign Boo is one of my finest officers! His academic record is unmatched!

**Chevrolet:** He saved my life during our last space battle! He donated some of his replicator rations to Ensign Wildthing when she learned she was pregnant!

**Tuvacca:** Ensign Boo is also a giant chicken.

[_Ensign Boo peeks his head into the room. Boo , sure enough, is a giant chicken, dressed in a green Star Freak uniform._]

**Myway:** [_Folds arms angrily_.] As security officer, you have the right to question who you will, Tuvacca. But that doesn't make you a good judge of character!

**Tuvacca:** The last person on my list is Ensign Salsa.

**Chevrolet:** What? You're joking!

**Tuvacca:** She was in the cave with the Krutons. And many crewmembers have stated that she was behaving most suspiciously. She has demonstrated a poor attitude, and as the anger-management shtick is already in use by B'Zooka's character, it stands to reason that Salsa's poor attitude may lead in the direction of "cynical traitor." In addition, you and she share a romantic past. The love-interest is almost always the culprit in these mystery thrillers.

**Chevrolet:** Salsa is not a traitor! I mean alright, she's got a kinky sense of humor. And Salsa sounds more like a Cargassian name than a Bajerkan one. And whenever we were fighting the Cargassians she was on the phone talking to them. But that does not make her a traitor!

**Myway:** Look, we'll catch the traitor, whoever it is. But for now, keep this between the senior staff. I don't want a ship-wide panic. [_Picks up her coffee mug off the table to take a sip, then freezes; right where her mug was, is a red button labeled LOUD SPEAKER_.] Oh….bloody hell.

[_The three of them step onto the bridge. Everyone is either chattering madly about who they think the traitor is_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** I'm taking bets! Carrey, Salsa, or Other, throw in your wagers!

**Fairly Dim:** Carrey, I'll vote Carrey. Salsa's already got a personality, they don't need to make her a villain for her to be interesting. A bland guy like Carrey could use some treachery.

**Jim Carrey:** Dude, if it is me, I wanna be a cool villain!

**Salsa:** Chevrolet! [_Throws herself against him_.] You can't possibly believe this nonsense?!

**Chevrolet:** [_Kisses her smiley face mask_.] Of course not! I'll find a way to prove to them you're innocent!

[_Amidst the chattering and betting, B'Zooka paces around, deep in thought_.]

**B'Zooka Tourgide:** Enough about the traitor. We need to retrieve that coffee maker! Until that Kruton in sickbay wakes up, that coffee maker may be the only place where we can get some answers. There must be a way around that force field. Dynamite won't work, but maybe some chronotonic torpedoes will blow the control panel.

**Jim Carrey:** Or we could, like, reverse the polarity to like warp the subspace or something.

**B'Zooka:** There's an idea!

**Vulcan Ensign Forklift:** Did the force field have an on-and-off switch?

[_The bridge is silenced. Everyone stares at each other_.]

**Salsa:** I…need to use the little girl's room. [_Reaches over to Fairly Dim's consol, and beams herself off Froger_._ Bets are hastily handed in to Tim._]

* * *

><p><strong>BACK IN THE DEAD KRUTON FORTRESS:<strong>

[_Dr. Evil's theme song plays, as Salsa beams down into the fortress. She walks over to a panel on the wall, filled with buttons. One button reads: MAIN FORCE FIELD, and has buttons underneath labeled "On" and "Off." Right next to it is another option: PERSONAL FORCEFIELD. Salsa considers the first button, but chooses the second. With her personal force field around her, she cuts through the bigger one, and crosses over to the coffee maker. She moves around to the back, where there is a red ribbon, and a card that reads "Merry Xmas, Salsa!" She pulls at the ribbon and card, but they won't come off. She yanks, harder and harder, until suddenly, the coffee maker begins to lean in towards her…_]

**Salsa:** Oh frak.

[_Salsa is squashed by the coffee maker_.]

**SICKBAY: **

[_Myway, Chevrolet, and Tuvacca are meeting with The Doctor_.]

**Chevrolet:** It's a good thing we were able to find Salsa and beam her back here to Frogger. How is she, The Doctor?

**The Doctor: **She'll live. But Captain, Commanders, I've made a few…disturbing discoveries. First, I found this on the coffee maker that crushed Salsa. [_Holds up the X-mas card, with the ribbon attacked_.]

**Chevrolet:** Someone must have been trying to frame her!

**The Doctor:** Possibly. But when I examined Salsa, I found that her blood was not Bajerken. It's Cargassian.

**Chevrolet:** That's absurd! Does Salsa look Cargassian to you?

**Tuvacca:** Cargassians have been known to disguise themselves in order to spy on Bajerkans. Our sister series "Freak Space Nine" had an entire episode revolving around it.

**The Doctor:** And there's one last bit of news, Captain. Salsa isn't the only one who seems to be a different species than what she claims. I examined Ensign Boo, after he passed out from Cakemix's cheese last night. I realize that we have Ensign Boo listed as a human, but his physiology appears closer to poultry. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that Ensign Boo was a giant—

**Myway:** [_Angrily_.] Since you _do_ know better, The Doctor, I suggest you keep it to yourself!

[_Ensign Boo pokes his head around the corner, nervously. The Doctor and Tuvacca exchange a glance_. _In the bed a few feet away, Salsa wakes up and stretches. Her smiley face mask is bent, but still covering her face_.]

**Chevrolet:** I'm going to talk to her.

**Tuvacca:** Commander,

[_Chevrolet stops, and looks at Tuvacca. The Vulcan removes his own fedora and trench coat, and places them on Chevrolet. Chevrolet nods, and then moves on to talk to Salsa._]

**Chevrolet:** Salsa, all that time we were…an item. You weren't just, say, stringing me along, to learn secrets, were you? You weren't just kissing up to me, so you could slip a knife in my back?

**Salsa:** [_Lighting herself a long cigarette_.] What are you talking about? [_Sits back, wrapping herself in a fur coat._]

**Myway:** [_Whispers to Tuvacca_] What movie are they spoofing now?

**Tuvacca:** [_Whispers_] Nothing in particular. Just general film noir femme-fatales.

**Chevrolet:** The Doctor says your blood is Cargassian.

**Salsa:** So?! I had a blood donation from a Cargassian woman when I was a child! That's all!

**Chevrolet:** He also found this on the coffee maker that crushed you. [_Holds up the "Merry Xmas card."_]

**Salsa:** No! Someone's trying to frame me! Come on, would I really use my own name on the card?

**Chevrolet: **This fell out of your bra, just now. [_Holds up a photo of Salsa, shaking hands with a Krouton leader, in front of the Coffee Maker_.]

**Salsa:** Well tha—um—crap.

**Tuvacca:** Captain…!

[_Everyone hears a long beep, the sound of a flat-line. They turn, and see Ensign Boo leaning over the bed where the Krouton is lying. The Krouton is dead; Boo is nibbling away at his crouton head, which is already half-eaten. Boo realizes he's being watched, and looks up, terrified. Tuvacca hurries over, and rips off Boo's Star Freak uniform. Everyone gasps_.]

**Myway:** _Get off my ship, chicken_!

**Chicken Boo: **[_With his beak, pecks a device attached to his chest, and beams away_.]

**Myway:** I never should've doubted you Tuvacca. [_Wrinkles nose_.] God, that filthy animal left behind a stench.

**Tuvacca:** Actually Captain, that is the smell of human gas.

**Chevrolet:** No, it's [_gag_] too strong to be human. It could only be…. [_Eyes widen, and he turns towards Salsa. He runs over and rips off her smiley mask, revealing her Cargassian face_.] Salsa! …..Why?

**Salsa:** [_Hands up_] It was a job. Either secret agent, or working for the fruitcake tailor on Freak Space 9.

**Chevrolet:** No, I mean why ally with the Kroutons? Betray us to our enemies, sure. But why team up with those cavemen? Why not someone competent, like…well anybody else in the galaxy?

**Salsa: ** [_Stares angrily at Chevrolet. Shifts her eyes, searching for a retort, then gives up_.] Okay, I've answered one question already, now you answer this! So I'm the bad guy, for selling technology to the Kroutons, right? Well tell me: after this first season is over, will the U.S. S. Frogger not, without any moral or legal qualms, trade holo-technology to alien species? Three seasons from now, will it not be perfectly kosher for Frogger to trade coffee makers, food replicators, transporters, and anything other than weapons to alien species? How 'you gonna get around _that_ little plot-hole, Myway?!

**Myway:** [_Hand on hip_.] Salsa, you know who gives a crap about Season 1 continuity? Haters who want something to nitpick about. The fans don't care, because the first season usually sucks anyway; and the passive viewers don't care, because no good Trek spinoff is known for its first season. Whining about how Season 4 conflicts with Season 1 is like whining about what the classic musical "Phantom of the Opera" changed from the silent movie version.

**Chevrolet:** Yeah!

**Salas:** Well, you've made your point. Now allow me to make my dramatic escape!

**Tuvacca:** [_Hits smiley faced com. Badge_] Stop her!

[_Sickbay's doors open, and a hoard of security crewman burs in to seize Salsa. But as they do, she lets out a big one. This time, the fart is like a smoke bomb, and leaves everyone coughing and gasping for breath. When the green smoke has cleared, Salsa is gone_.]

* * *

><p><strong>MESS HALL, LATER THAT NIGHT: <strong>

[_Chevrolet and Tuvacca are in the Mess Hall, dipping Oreos in milk_.]

**Chevrolet: **I feel like such a fool. [_Dips his Oreo sadly_.] Tuvacca, will you tell me something? Am I the only one who's been fooled by a girl like this? Who let his feelings cloud his judgment?

**Tuvacca:** On the contrary, Commander. Many notable heroes have been fooled by the voluptuous femme fatale. The Biblical Sampson, Detective Sam Spade, Indiana Jones, and probably Captain Flirt [_Kirk_] were all taken advantage of by murderous, beautiful women, at some point in their careers. [_Crunches down on a dry Oreo_.]

**Chevrolet:** Well, that makes me feel a little bit better. [_Pops his Oreo in his mouth_.]

**Tuvacca:** [_Raises an eyebrow_.] It should not, Commander. I said _beautiful_ women. Salsa was butt-ugly. That you were fooled by her is forgivable, but that you were attracted to her was not.

[_Tuvacca stands up to leave. He stops, grabs a few more Oreos, and then exits the_ _mess-hall. Chevrolet shifts his eyes, confused. Finally, he shrugs, and drains his milk._]

**END**


	8. Maneuvers

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**The Spy Who Shagged Me, Vol. II"**

**(Spoofing "Maneuvers," Season 2)**

**Summary: **_Chevrolet and Salsa engage in a battle of wits, which climaxes with Salsa delivering a blow more bizarre than you could possibly imagine…!_

* * *

><p><strong>SCENE 1: Turbo Lift<strong>

**Chevrolet: **Whatever the Captain wants had better be good. I had you right where I wanted you!

**B'Zooka: **[_Laughs_] That was the most risqué dance I've done since high school! I never would've guessed a guy like _you_ would be a "Rocky Horror" fan.

**Chevrolet:** Well, I like the historical aspect of it. You know in the 20th century, people used to hold midnight showings like that every year! They'd dress up and throw the rice and everything!

[_Indeed, Chevrolet and B'Zooka are still wearing their dancing costumes from the program; B'Zooka is dressed in a glittering tap dancer's outfit with a top hat and bowtie, while Chevrolet wears nothing but gold boots and a Speedo._ _However, no one blinks an eye when they step onto the bridge._]

**Chevrolet: **What's buzzn', cousin?

**Myway: **We're getting signals from a beacon…and it's a Star Freak signature!

**Farily Dim:** It's gotta be Star Freak then! Who else would know how to make a Star Freak signature here in the Dipwad Quadrant?

**Myway: **No one, naturally!

**Chevrolet:** [_Squinting thoughtfully_.] I feel like there's someone else we should be considering, but I'm having a brain-fart right now.

**Tim Parsnip:** Me too. I feel like there's some bad person out there we should all be watching out for, that we've forgot about completely…it's right on the tip of my mind…but your spangly outfits are kind of distracting me. [_Tim looks back and forth from Chevrolet to B'Zooka, mesmerized. At this point in the series, it is unclear which one of them he is secretly in love with_.]

**Myway:** [_Thinks, then gives up_.] Ah well. If it was important we'd remember it. Mr. Parsnip, set a course for that beacon!

**Tim Parsnip:** Aye aye Captain!

[_Cut to an outside view of Frogger, flying through space. We see this in cut-out-paper animation, "Monty Python" style. Frogger flies contently into an orange space cloud. Some ruckus is then heard, and we see the ship hurry back out again. Following it is an armada of alien ships; large vessels shaped like plastic salad containers from McDonald's, and smaller ships shaped like sporks._]

**Myway:** [_Clutching her seat tensely_] Well _that_ was a trap. And now we're getting our butts kicked by the Kroutons. The _Kroutons_. Spock's beard, this is embarrassing.

[_The Krouton ships shoot at Frogger from pirate-like canons. Razor-sharp carrots, lettuce and tomatoes come spinning out of the canons, cutting through Frogger's walls and windows. Tim fights to stay at the helm, even as a spray of ranch dressing blinds his face. Other bridge officers go tumbling and flying in various directions. A nameless crewman screams, as he his hit in the back by a sharp carrot; a crew-woman steps on a tomato and skids out the window into open space. As all this happens, a cloud of thick smoke is slowly engulfing the bridge_.]

**Chevrolet:** Where is this smoke coming from? And—_cough, gag_—why does it smell so horrid?

**Crewman #13: **It's like poison! [_Gags and collapses_.]

_**KWA-BOOOOOM!**_

**Farily Dim: **Captain! A Krouton Spork Raider just crashed through the walls of Transporter Room 2.

**Tuvacca:** I'm on it, Captain. [_Hits smiley-faced combadge_.] Security, meet me in Transporter Room 2!

* * *

><p><strong>TRANSPORTER ROOM 2: <strong>

[_Tuvacca enters the transporter room, joined by his two favorite security crewman Bob (that black guy) and Tito (that Arab or Hispanic ex-Mosquito guy). They arrive just as three Kroutons beam away with a transporter module_.]

**Tuvacca:** Tuvacca to Bridge: the Kroutons have escaped. And I feel they have done something…

[_Tuvacca, Bob and Tito look around the room, trying to figure out what's out of place_. _They look at the smoking hole in the wall, with the Krouton Spork Raider sitting in front of it, it's doors opened; they look at the empty space on the floor, where the transporter module once stood; at the socket in the wall, where the transporter used to be plugged in; at the muddy footprints that lead from that spot._]

**Crewman Bob: **Commander I, I think I've just figured something out.

**Tuvacca:** Yes, Crewman?

**Crewman Bob:** Um…. [_Looks hard at the footprints, deep in thought_] Uh…. [_Squints, thinking painfully_] Uuuuuh….This sucks.

**Crewman Tito:** [_Nods_.] Yup, sucks. Definitely sucks.

**Tuvacca:** Indeed. This sucks worse than anything that has ever sucked before.

[_They stand around in silence. Then a ceiling panel falls down and hits Crewman Bob on the head, killing him. As he falls over, his phaser accidentally goes off, killing Crewman Tito. Tuvacca doesn't react_.]

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE [Still engulfed in smoke]: <strong>

**Tuvacca (V.O.):** Tuvacca to Bridge; I believe we have been robbed.

**Myway:** Oh—_cough gag_—great! So the people who've been hounding us for our technology were actually after our technology all along! I'm glad we sorted that one out! Now could someone figure out where this—_GHAAAASP!_—this stench—?

**Farily Dim:** Um, Captain…we've got mail.

**Myway: **I'm afraid to look, but on-screen.

[_Fairly picks up the remote and turns on the view screen. On the screen are the Krouton captain, and Salsa. Her disguise is gone, and Salsa now sports her scaly Cargassian features. No longer in her Star Freak uniform, she now wears a black leather jacket with a fur collar, a black leather motorcycle jumpsuit, knee-high boots, a dog-collar, a chain necklace, and a belt holding her phaser, a whip, and some pink fuzzy handcuffs_.]

**Salsa:** Hello Chevrolet. [_Smirking_.] Lovely to see you again. Nice outfit.

**Chevrolet:** [_Still in his "Rocky Horror" garb._] Lovely to—_gag_—smell you again.

**Salsa:** Yes, I've provided a new weapon to help the Kroutons fight you. And now, I've helped them steal a piece of your technology! What'cha gonna do about it? [_Folds arms_.]

**Myway:** [_Shakes her head, then makes a swooping "time-out" gesture_.] You went to _all _this trouble training these space-chimps on how to operate a Federation transporter, and set up this plan to trap us, so you could steal a _transporter module_? A transporter module, and not, say, our proton tortilla cannons? Our replicators? Our phaser-rifles? Or maybe just a download of all our ship's technology, period? Just a transporter model?

**Salsa:** [_Stands there, arms folded_.]

**Myway:** [_Drops her head, with a long groan._] How long until we get decent villains, Tuvacca?

**Tuvacca:** Another two seasons at least, Captain.

**Myway:** [_Slowly rubs forehead_.] All right, [_Stands strait again, sighing_.] Okay fine then. Um, I am very furious with you Salsa….blah blah blah….I swear we'll get that module back and make you pay, yadda yadda yadda. [_Looks around the bridge, unenthusiastically_.] Anyone got anything else to add? Chevrolet?

**Chevrolet: **[_Choking back tears_] I don't know if it was the word "lovely," or the word "it's," but Salsa's taunting really cut me deep!

**Myway:** [_Gives him a confused look_.] Whatever. [_Turns to the view screen_.] We're done.

**Krouton Captain:** No, WE'RE done!

[_Captain Krouton picks up the remote, and tries to turn off his view screen. Instead, he changes the channel, to a cartoon on Toon Disney.]_

"_**Daring duck of mystery, chapion of riiiight! He sweeps out of the shaaadooows, Darkwing owns the niiiight…"**_

[_The entire bridge stares at the screen in confusion, except Fairly Dim, who bounces with excitement_.]

"…_**somewhere some villain scheeemes, but his numbers up! (Three, two, one) DAAAARKWING DUUUUCK! When there's trouble ya call D. W. Daaarkwing Duuu-!" **_

[_Channel switches back to Salsa and Krouton, fighting over the remote_.]

**Salsa:** —the RED button! The red—Oh! [_Clenched teeth_] You idiotic primitive space-caveman! [_Wrestles remote from him_.] Like THIS! [_Turns off the view screen, for good_.]

* * *

><p><strong>TRANSPORTER ROOM 2:<strong>

**Myway:** Well, that was an unfortunate turn of events.

**B'Zooka: **[_Climbing out of the Spork ship_.] Nothing of use in there. Might as well save this thing for Ensign Wildthing's kid; it'll make a great jungle gym when he or she is older. [_Hops down from the Spork_.]

**Myway:** [_Nods to some crewman, who pick up the Spork and begin to move it_.] We've got to find out where Salsa's gone, so we can take back that module.

**Cakemix:** E_xqueeese_ me, but are wesa gonna be risking life and limb for a transporter module?

**Myway:** Listen, bar rodent: the Kroutons are in possession of _Federation technology_. That is unacceptable. The U.S.S. Frogger, the most elite Star Freak vessel to date, has just had its _ass _whooped and its _technology_ stolen by the _frakking Kroutons_. We HAVE to get that module back before ANYONE in this quadrant knows about it, or we'll be the laughing stock of the galaxy!

**Cakemix:** [_Nods, wide-eyed_.]

**Tuvacca: **Perhaps Commander Chevrolet could use his intimate knowledge of Salsa to manipulate her, as she did us.

**Chevrolet:** [_Turns to Tuvacca, shocked and offended_.]

**B'Zooka: **What's the matter Tuvacca, bitter that you only get any once every seven years? [_Turns to Myway_] Seriously Captain, are you going to let your security chief talk to your first officer that way?

**Myway:** Of course not! In fact, right now is a perfect opportunity for this series to show how I deal with conflicts on my ship, and how I respond compassionately when one of my crewmembers is being harassed unfairly—

* * *

><p><strong>CUT TO THE KROUTON SHIP:<strong>

[_Salsa and Captain Krouton are sitting on a sofa, in front of the TV_.]

**Salsa:** Hello there, Trekkies. I'll bet you wanted to see how Captain Myway was going to respond to Tuvacca, for that cruel comment he made towards Chevrolet. Well you're not. Instead, you'll be treated to some riveting "character development" from myself and my new Krouton lover, as we rally the arriving Krouton ships against Frogger.

**Captain Krouton:** [_Sips some beer, then belches_.] What?

**Salsa:** Oh. I thought I mentioned, but maybe I forgot. I sent an email to the other Krouton ships in the region, inviting them to join us in the fight against Frogger.

**Krouton:** [_Slams beer down on the table, and turns towards her menacingly_.] You went over my crouton?!

**Salsa:** N-not over love, m-m-more to the side…I'll always call you first, it'll never happen again!

**Krouton:** You are a WOMAN! Among _my_ species—which dwells on a desert planet, loves violence, has primitive technology and customs, wears clothing that resembles robes and has heads shaped kind of like turbans—women are inferior to men!

* * *

><p>[<em>Cut to three Trekkies, watching this episode on their own TV. One is an Arab girl in a Muslim headdress; the other is an Orthodox Jew, with the hat, curls and glasses. The third is an Asian boy, with a bowl haircut and a serious demeanor<em>.]

**Arab Trekkie:** Jezus Mordecai, now I know how you Jews feel whenever the Ferrari are onscreen, acting nerdy and talking about money!

**Jewish Trekkie:** No frakking sh*t!

**Asian Trekkie:** What are you talking about? The Trek writers would never use a real human culture as the basis for an alien species. It would be totally illogical. [_Returns to his math homework_.]

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER'S BRIDGE: <strong>

**Tim Parsnip:** Captain, there's something out there, dead ahead of us.

[_On the viewscreen are two dead Kroutons, floating in space. They comes spiraling towards the ship, and smack right into the screen, like moths on a windshield. Both wear expressions of extreme irritation_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**The Doctor:** It seems that these two Krouton men were beamed into space, alive.

**Myway:** They don't _look_ like they were exposed to the vacuumed of space.

**The Doctor:** That's because we're a family TV show, and we can't show exploding eyeballs, or body fluids exiting every orifice of a character's person. Here on Public Television, "frozen-dead" means "died in the vacuumed of space."

**Myway:** I see.

**Cakemix:** Mesa don't think these poor sons of bitches died by accident, Captain. Beaming his enemies into space is just the kind of thing a Krouton would do! I'm just sorry my poor dear Kiesh had to see these two bodies, and hear that horrible story.

**Kiesh:** [_Holding a camera_] Cakemix are you kidding? I was a slave to these creeps for months. This is the best day I've had all week! [_Snaps a photo of the two dead Kroutons, giggling_.]

[_Everyone stares at Kiesh for a moment, disturbed_.]

**Myway:** You see? We must get that module back at all costs!

[_Chevrolet looks particularly bothered. B'Zooka takes him aside_.]

**B'Zooka:** It's not your fault. Salsa fooled us all. I thought she was my best friend, but I guess I should've known the writers wouldn't let a "troubled delinquent" like me have a social life that easily…

**Chevrolet: **Yes, but you weren't _dating_ her, were you? Your _lips_ didn't _touch_ Cargassian lips! You didn't let her rope you into the same stupid role-playing fantasy every Tuesday night, where you were a pirate and she was an innocent milk-maid who you were going to ravish, only then she'd turn the tables and ravish _you_ instead, and always with that stupid Rob Zombie music she loved, and those stupid fuzzy handcuffs—

**B'Zooka:** [_Staring, with one eyebrow raised._] My POINT is…don't let Salsa get to you! This is just what she wants! You, behaving emotionally, irrationally, so she can take the upper hand! And yeah I realize the irony of me saying all this, but you _have_ to stay—

_**CRASH!**_

[_B'Zooka looks around, and sees Chevrolet gone. There is a hole in the wall, and through it, one can see Chevrolet in a shuttlecraft._]

**B'Zooka:** …um, onboard, for starters.

[_Myway, Cakemix, Tuvacca, and The Doctor look up from their discussion; Kiesh also looks up from drawing mustaches and glasses on the dead Kroutons._]

**Myway: **[_Clops Tuvacca on the back of the head_.]Awesome security work today, Ear Boy.

**Fairly Dim (V.O.):** Bridge to Captain, Chevrolet's on TV.

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

[_Myway, Tuvacca, B'Zooka and Cakemix arrive, to see Chevrolet on the view screen_.]

**Chevrolet:** If you're receiving this message, I'm probably dead. Not that death means much on Spoof Trek. But anyway, Captain, I'm sorry for disobeying your orders. But I just couldn't sit by and let you be the hero again. If I don't start breaking some rules I'll _never_ get any character development. Chevrolet out.

**Tuvacca:** I believe we should honor the commander's request. Though I must admit that my motives are self-serving; with Chevrolet gone, I will have his job of playing off of your manic caffeine-addicted personality, Captain, and there is a chance that in doing so, I may finally become…[_Hopefully_]…interesting.

**Myway:** Sorry Tuvacca, all I heard was "caffeine." So why should we let Chevrolet die, again?

**B'Zooka:** We shouldn't! Captain, how would the loss of Chevrolet affect this crew?

[_Everyone stands around the bridge, in silence_.]

**B'Zooka:** …..Okay but how would it affect this _show_? Your new sidekick would be Tuvacca, a watered-down copy of Mr. Spork from the "Original Spoof Trek!" We'd be down one hottie, and lose a third of our female viewers! We'd lose one of our token minorities! It's not like we're doing anything else for the rest of this episode.

**Myway:** [_Swigs coffee_] Ah hell, ya talked me into it. Mr. Parsnip, follow that shuttle!

* * *

><p><strong>KROUTON SHIP: <strong>

**Salsa: **…and that's how you work the transporter. Think you morons can handle that?

[_Captain Krouton beams all of Salsa's clothes except her bra, boots and underwear into space, and giggles_. _Salsa just stands there, and sighs._

_Suddenly, Chevrolet's shuttle crashes through the wall, knocking the transporter consol to the ground. Chevrolet leaps out with a squirt gun, and shoots the consol. The consol erupts in sparks and smoke_.]

**Cheverolet:** Lovely to see you again! And nice outfit! [_Shoots Salsa with the squirt gun_]

**Salsa**:…..

**Cheverolet:** ….

**Salsa:** Size him!

[_The Kroutons are on Chevrolet like ugly on an ape. Salsa as they overpower him Salsa beams her clothes back on. She then takes her fuzzy handcuffs off her belt and cuffs Chevrolet's hands behind his back_.]

**Salsa:** You may have destroyed that transporter module Chevrolet… [_Walks past Chevrolet, and past her Krouton boyfriend, who's standing there stupidly, and stops at the shuttle craft._] But what do we need it for anyway, when we have your entire shuttlecraft, full of technology! [_Slaps the shuttlecraft proudly_.]

**Shuttle Craft:** [_Creeks, then falls over; it was a cardboard cutout_.]

**Salsa:** Wha….? How….? The fu…? Whatever. OUT! All of you, get out for five minutes. We need some hero-villain quality time.

[_All the Kroutons exit the room. Captain Krouton gives Chevrolet an "I'm Watchin' You!" gesture, just before shutting the door_.]

**Salsa:** You'd better save yourself some trouble, and just tell me Frogger's command codes right now.

**Cheveret: **Command….what? Since when does Frogger have "command codes?"

**Salsa:** Come on. [_Paces around him._] You know, the command codes. Those top-secret codes, with which anyone could totally obliterate the Frogger. Give them to me.

**Chevrolet:** I swear, you're making this up.

**Salsa: **Don't flatter yourself! I'm _not_ still in love with you. I only dated you for your Mosquito secrets! I don't have a scrapbook of our photos from the Mosquitos days, or Star Freak's wanted poster of you on my wall, or a collection of all the obscure '90s movies you acted in before "Spoof Trek!"

**Chevrolet:** …Can't someone just tie me to a chair and beat me up for a while, or something.

**Captain Krouton:** [_Enters_] I'll do worse than that!

[_Some Kroutons prop Cheverolet onto a folding chair, his hands still cuffed behind him. Others roll in a TV on wheels, and tune it to UPN. Chevrolet tenses, fearing what's in store. Salsa covers her eyes and looks away, unable to watch_.]

**TV:** Before Myway…Pickacard…and Flirt…

**Chevrolet:** Aren't they forgetting someone? What about Captain Disco? Freak Space 9? Super-popular series, that revolutionized character-driven stories for Trek? Anyone?

[_The TV begins to play its scheduled program_.]

**Chevrolet:** Okay, I'm looking at a montage of astronaut footage, set to a country song….now there's a Clingon running through a cornfield…Scott Backula…..[_Eyes widen_] No, NO! STOP, PLEASE! STOP! TURN IT OFF!

**TV:** "I'm Captain Fartcher of the starship Applepies. The FIRST Federation ship ever to explore…"

**Chevrolet:** [_Struggling in the chair_.] You win, turn it off, turn it off, Uncle! Uncle!

**TV:** "You see Captain Fartcher, it was us Vulcans who introduced Velcro to the human race, back when my great-grandmother visited earth in 2001,"

**Salsa:** Just tell him what he wants to know Chevrolet, and he'll turn off the TV.

**Chevrolet:** [_Stares at the TV painfully_]

**TV:** "I've got wonderful news Captain! Lt. Charles Sucker is pregnant!" "Isn't Lt. Sucker a man?" "He is. But this is deep space, where anything is possible…!" "Well shoot the horse an' slap me silly! I dun' hope it's a boy! I'll name him Billy Jim! But if it's a girl I'll call her Annie Sue…"

**Chevrolet:** No! [_Shaking head_] No command codes! I'll never tell! Do your worst!

[_The Krouton captain takes something out of a cupboard behind Chevrolet. It is a medical needle, the size of a baseball bat_.]

**Krouton Captain:** Perhaps the Elixir of Agony will have you talking, Commander. [_Stabs Chevrolet in the neck and injects him_.]

**Chevrolet:** [_Blinks, seeing everything blurry and swaying_.] Y'know, when Salsa's finished wif' you…hehehe….she'll KILL you! [_Laughs drunkenly, then passes out, his whole chair toppling sideways to the ground_.]

**Krouton:** [_Looks down at Chevrolet; then at the needle; and finally at Salsa_.] What did you put in this thing?

**Salsa:** [_Shrugs_] Earth Vodka, Cargassian whiskey, just a _little_ shot of Rumulan Ale, and of course a ton of your cheap Krouton beer just to water it down. It took a _very _long time to brew up, and I was _saving_ it for a special occasion. Thanks for using it all up, you Neanderthal.

**Krouton Henchmen:** Captain, the Brethren Court of the Kroutons have arrived, and await you in the meeting room.

**Captian Krouton**: Excellent! You, Salsa, shall wait here, because you are a woman, and this meeting is for _men_!

* * *

><p><strong>MEETING ROOM: <strong>

[_Ten Krouton Men sit around a table, wearing furry hats designed to look like their planet's equivalent of water-buffalo (basically just water-buffalo with purple fur, and three googly eyes). They take turns bashing each other on the heads with a large hammer, while Captain Krouton attempts to talk over them_.]

**Captain Krouton:** You see, I have the power to defeat the Frogger, because I have Frogger's command codes!

**Visiting Krouton:** [_Bashing his neighbor with the hammer_] What the hell are "command codes," and why would they help us defeat Frogger?

**Captain Krouton:** I have proof that I have Frogger's command codes! Bring him in, boys!

[_Two of Captain Krouton's henchmen enter the room, dragging Chevrolet. Chevrolet is half-passed out, still with his hands cuffed behind him. The Krouton guards dump him in the corner, and stick a furry buffalo hat on him_.]

**Captain Krouton:** Allow me to present Commander Chevrolet of the Frogger!

**Visiting Krouton:** Who?

**Chevrolet:** Hic! [_Giggles drunkenly_.]

**Krouton #35:** [_Sticks head in the door_] Captain, the Frogger is approaching us! Captain Myway is demanding the return of her sidekick.

**Visiting Krouton:** Well what are you waiting for? Use your stupid "command codes" to destroy the Frogger!

**Captain Krouton:** Erm, [_Tugs collar nervously_.]

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER:<strong>

**Myway:** Exactly how are we going to beam Chevrolet out of that ship, while we're traveling at warp speed?

**B'Zooka:** Extreme Technobabble, Captain.

**Myway:** How can you be sure it'll work?

**B'Zooka:** Because I've done it before. You see…all those times when we were in a fix, and I was babbling away about "chronotron fluctuations" and "transwarp schematics" and whatnot? Well, I had no clue what I was saying or doing. I was just spouting out technobabble and hitting buttons like my life depended on it. And it's never yet failed me!

**Farily Dim:** [_Face falls_] So…it's not just whether you can "get a lock on them" or not?

_**BOOM! SMASH! POW! **_

[_The Battle is underway_.]

* * *

><p><strong>KROUTON SHIP: <strong>

[_Salsa is watching the men's meeting from another room, through a large glass window. Suddenly, she sees Chevrolet start to shimmer, as if someone keeps trying to beam him away_.]

**Salsa:** How the hell are they beaming him through our shields?!

**Krouton #61:** Why not? If they can beam people through solid walls, why not some electronic forcfie—

[_Salsa, clench-teethed, punches Krouton #61 into the wall, without even looking at him. She marches over to the Krouton ship's engineering consol, and looks intently to see what's going on. Krouton #61 stands up, with a black eye, and peers over her shoulder_.]

**Krouton #61:** Huh. Someone's using Extreme Technobabble to try and beam Chevrolet away….

**Salsa:** Tourguide! [_Begins typing away_…]

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER: <strong>

[_B'Zooka is working at her consol, when suddenly, an I.M. window pops up on her screen. The message reads_:]

**Salsa (I.M.):** Bitch! U think u can out-technobabl me?! I'm an engineering GENIUS!1!11! cant bliev I wuz ever "friends" with u, ugly turtle-head.

[_B'Zooka stares wide-eyed, then types back angrily_]

**B'Zooka Tourgide (I.M.):** u wer never even in the runing it wuz me or carry! i got second in command after Chevrolet w/ my skillz, u got the rank of crewman after u fraked him, dumb slut. so bring it on whore—technobabble or w/ our fists, even half clingon i can kick ur cargassian ass! engineering schematics consol techno reverse the polarity chronotonic mircrogizmo schematic quasar singularities…

* * *

><p><strong>KROUTON SHIP:<strong>

[_Salsa types faster and faster. Her eyes grow wider and more determined, and steam rises from her consol_.]

**Salsa (I.M.):** subspace time continuum manipulate fluctuate incapacitate remodulate torpedo hull breach penetrate…

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER: <strong>

[_Farily Dim and Tuvacca both stare wide-eyed at B'Zooka, as her hands move in a spidery-blur, and flames erupt from her consol. As she types, she mutters what she's typing, getting louder and louder_.]

**B'Zooka:** …schematics, reverse the polarity, quantum mechanics, module modifications, remodulate, spacetime continuum, SHIELD HARMONICS, WARP DRIVE, GEL PACKS, RECONFIGURE SENSOR-READING DIAGNOSTIC OVERLOAD [_Deep breath_] WARP COR BREACH!

**Fairly Dim:** We didn't get Chevrolet, but we just beamed three Krouton Captains into Transporter Room 2!

**Tuvacca:** [_Zips to the transporter room, Road-Runner-like_.]

* * *

><p><strong>KROUTON SHIP: <strong>

**Salsa:** _GAAAA,_ [_Pounds consol_] THAT FRAKNING CLINGON BITCH!

[_Salsa lets out a long shriek of defeat. She screams her way out of the room, to her personal quarters, to the freezer, and into a huge tub of ice cream._]

* * *

><p><strong>TRANSPORTER ROOM 2: <strong>

**Tuvacca:** [_Points phaser rifle at the three Kroutons_.] We will release you, in exchange for Commander Chevrolet…

* * *

><p><strong>LATER: <strong>

**Myway (V.O.):** Captain's log, star date 333.3333333. Chevrolet has recovered during the commercial break, and I am now faced with the task of deciding his punishment. Tuvacca's punishment as well, come to think of it. Not only did he allow a transporter module and a shuttlecraft to be stolen, but the moron missed the chance to capture Salsa and bring her to justice, when he had those three Kroutons in our custody and was arranging the prisoner-exchange. So from this day forward, Salsa will continue to terrorize Frogger and its crew, and, it's entirely Lt. Tuvacca's fault.

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY-FOR-A-SPANKING ROOM: <strong>

**Myway:** Chevrolet, how am I supposed to be a good Trek captain, when my own first officer runs ahead and saves the day all by himself, without me? Do you realize what kind of example you just set for the rest of the crew?! I do not want this to become a trend! If we ever gain a brand new crewmember, I don't want him or her to be someone who breaks the rules and violates protocol on a regular basis! From this day forward, I don't want you or _anyone_ to disobey my authority, or break Star Freak protocol, _especially_ not on emotional grounds! _Is that understood_?!

**Chevrolet:** Yes, Captain. No one will ever do a thing like that again, for the rest of this entire series. And I want you to know, that disobeying you was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

**Myway:** I believe you Chevrolet…but don't think for a second you can just say that every time you mutiny against me! Next time, you are spending the night in the box! For today, I'll just have you scrub the ship's johns. Tuvacca will help you, as punishment for his stupidity in this episode…

**Fairly Dim: **[_Sticks his head through the doorway_] Sorry to interrupt, but Chevrolet's got mail.

[_Myway and Chevrolet go to the bridge. Salsa is on the view screen_.]

**Salsa:** Hello Chevrolet. I guess your wallowing in your victory right now. You think you've defeated me. And you think you've got yourself a pretty great episode so far, too. Interesting plot, great drama, good moral dilemmas. But I'm going to blow all of that out the window, with this little plot twist; you're going to be a father Chevrolet! While you were drunk, I collected a sample of your DNA.

**Chevrolet:** My DNA? You impregnated yourself with my DNA?

**Salsa:** Oh no, no, no, you don't understand. It's much worse than that! You see…I impregnated TRIP with your DNA!

[_Lt. Charles "Trip" Sucker, from the prequel series "Applepies," comes onscreen, pregnant_.]

**Lt. Sucker:** Well shuckles, the cowboy and the Indian are gonna have a baby! Y'know, I always wanted to have another child, ever since that episode in _my_ series when I was almost a mother…

**Chevrolet:** But—You—I—how—I don't get—I don't under—_What_?!

**Myway:** And you did this _why_? What was the point? Just to make our show as stupid as you possibly could?

**Salsa:** Bingo! Now you finally get it! You see, I allied with the Kroutons, to ensure that your regular villains would be as lame and annoying as possible! I created the plot-hole about the "command codes" out of thin air! And now….this new story arch, with Chevrolet and Trip's baby!

[_Sala laughs manically, while everyone on the bridge exchanges terrified glances_.]

**Salsa:** You see, THIS is my TRUE revenge! No matter how good your stories are, how awesome your characters, how great your acting, how impressive your moral messages, I vow I will DESTROY your series, one idiotic plot-twist at a time! [_Laughs like a mad scientist, while lighting cracks_.]

**Chevrolet: **[_Turning away_] IIIIIIIIIIIII'm gonna get started on those latrines.

**THE END**


	9. Scientific Method

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Scientific Muddle"**

(Spoofing "Scientific Method," Season 4)

**Summary: **_Invisible aliens conduct experiments on the crew; Telephone Line and The Doctor to the rescue. Again. _

* * *

><p>[<em>B'Zooka Tourgide is climbing through a Geoffrey's tube. She pushes opened a door, and slides down into a pit of colorful plastic balls. She wades through the balls to a wall panel, and starts to work on something. Suddenly, someone beams onto the upper level, right above the slide. It's Tim Parsnip, holding a bouquet of dandelions<em>.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Okay, _now_ will you forgive me for spending three seasons hitting on…on_….who_ was that blonde Oompa-Loompa bimbo who Telephone Line replaced again?

**B'Zooka: **Okay, you're forgiven.

[_Tim and B'Zooka smooch passionately. As they do, they are X-ray-scanned by unseen aliens, who giggle things like, "Dude! Like, that's hot," and "Take off her top!"]_

**Tim Parsnip:** Something wrong?

**B'Zooka:** I don't know…I just got this weird paranoid feeling like some freaky, nosy, creepers were spying on our personal life and making gossip about it…have you ever been to small-town Wisconsin?

**Tim Parsnip:** Pfft. Nothing like that is happening here, B'Zooka. There's no snooty old prude watching our every…

[_Tuvacca is standing in the ball-pit, working on another wall panel; he has been there the whole time_.]

**Tuvacca:** Dude. I have seen Lt. Parsnip and Lt. Tourgide snogging in the Geofrey's Tubes. I am deeply disturbed. [_Still wearing his usual Vulcan expression, he zips up the slide and out of the tubes, Road Runner style_.]

**Tim:** Oh crap.

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

[_The Doctor is giving Captain Myway a back massage_.]

**Myway:** You know The Doctor, when you said that the cure for my headache was to have a buff stud-muffin give me a massage, I thought you meant someone like Commander Chevrolet, or else a hologram of Captain Flirt [_Kirk_] or Commander Striker [_Riker_] or someone.

**Chevrolet (V.O.):** Bridge to Captain, the episode's starting.

**Myway:** All right, I'll be right there. [_Gets up and leaves_.]

**The Doctor:** Captain…!

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

[_Myway arrives, still wearing her towel. The crew stares at her_.]

**Chevrolet:** Is it Casual Day already, Captain?

**Myway:** What? [_Looks at herself_.] D'oh! [_She starts to undo her towel, to everyone's shock and horror. But as soon as she flings it away, she's suddenly in her full uniform_.] What is it Commander?

**Chevrolet:** How…. [_Stares at Myway for a second. Then gives up, and turns to the view screen_.] …How do you think we should react to this space anomaly, Captain?

[_On the view screen is a pair of binary suns_.]

**Myway:** [_Shrugs_.] It's a couple of glowing-hot balls. So what?

[_Tim Parsnip and Fairly Dim giggle like first graders, at the word "balls." Chevrolet narrows his eyes at them_.]

**Chevrolet:** Well Captain, these two balls block our rout to the Airhead Quadrant. We're trying to plot a course around the balls. Lt. Carrey proposed building some sort of containment field, to act as a sort of sack to contain the balls. B'Zooka on the other hand thinks we should "kick and punch" our way through the balls, but as usual I think it's too risky.

**Myway:** [_Yawning_.]

**Chevrolet:** Am I boring you, Captain?

**Myway:** [_Grabs Chevrolet by the lapels, and sticks her face in his_.] YES, YOU ARE BORING ME, TATTOO MAN! YOU HAVE BEEN BORING ME FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS WITH YOUR MONOTONE AND PARABLES!

**Chevrolet:** [_Stares ahead, unmoved_] No offense Captain, but you seem to have switched personalities with B'Zooka today.

**Myway:** He-em. Sorry, Commander. [_Drops him, and leaves the bridge_.] I'll be in sickbay.

**Chevrolet:** [_On the floor, face-down_.] Swell.

* * *

><p><strong>CHEVROLET'S QUARTERS:<strong>

[_Chevrolet is relaxing, after another long day of abuse from Captain Myway and dealing with annoying underlings. He leans back in his chair and turns on his record player, starting his personal Indian theme music_.]

**Chevrolet:** Let's see…music, comfy chair, book [_Grabs "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix"_] what's missing here…coffee!

[_He gets up and replicates himself some coffee. As he drinks it, those freaky aliens suddenly scan him, looking at his internal organs_.]

**Alien #1:** Frakking gross! I just wanted to get a look at his six-pack!

**Alien #2:** You have the scanner on the wrong setting, dolt. You've got it on X-ray, but you want X-Ray-Vision—

**Chevrolet:** [_Drops his coffee, hands shaking_.] Some powerful coffee.

[_He goes to the sink to wash his hands. He runs a hand through his hair…and it all falls out_!]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**The Doctor:** I don't know how Commander, but you're age has been accelerated. Your body is now an old geezer.

**Chevrolet:** Okay, but why did I lose all my hair? I mean, "old" doesn't equal "bald," does it? And sorry to stereotype my own culture, but I haven't known a lot of Indian men who went bald. Most old Indian guys I knew have that funky style with the long gray hair and the cowboy hats.

**The Doctor:** Yes, but most old Indian men you know also haven't been poisoning their poor hair with black shoe polish for two years strait, I'll bet.

**Chevrolet:** ….Touché.

[_Suddenly, Tim and Dim burst into sickbay, dragging along a gasping Cakemix_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** He just started gasping and wheezing all of a sudden, and then he broke out in all these black spots!

**The Doctor:** Let me scan you, Mr. Cakemix. [_Stuffs Cakemix in the '90s scanner, then releases him, and examines the printed results_.] Hmm…Cakemix, your ancestry is a combination of Hedgehog Man, Cosmic Goldfish, and Flying Monkey, correct?

**Cakemix:** [_Gasp, wheeze_] Yes—well, no. Mesa great-grand-pappy was from the planet of the Giraffe People.

**The Doctor:** Ah, that explains it. Somehow, your suppressed Giraffe genes have emerged, and are transforming you. You can expect to grow a very long neck and a craving for leaves, in the next day or two. Here, take this for the breathing problem. [_Hands him an Orange Soda_.]

**Tim:** Well I better get going, the Captain wants to see me.

* * *

><p><strong>THE "IIIIIII'M READYYYYYY!" ROOM:<strong>

**Myway: **Lieutenants Parsnip and Tourgide, you have both been behaving like sluts in front of the entire crew. That is unacceptable. This isn't that stupid prequel series "Applepies." We're a _family-friendly_ sci-fi series, targeted at people with _brains_. Neither the crew nor the audience wants to see you giving each other hickeys or going under the bra!

**Tim Parsnip:** Uh….sorry?

* * *

><p>—<strong>STF—<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Myway (V.O.): <strong>Captain's log, star date whatever: my headaches have been increasing, and I think something sinister may be behind it. Across the ship, bizarre mutations have spread throughout the crew, each more shocking than the last…

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

[_The Doctor treats a hoard of crewmembers with strange mutations. Chevrolet, looking old and wrinkly, sits next to Cakemix, who still has black spots, and now a four-foot long neck. The Doctor gives some Benadryl to blue-skinned Crewman Chip, who's sneezing blue pearls into a handkerchief; then he moves on to treat Crewmen Tall Celery, whose wrinkled Bajerkan nose has grown like Pinocchio's. Ensign Wildthing flexes the extra arm she's grown, and Lt. Jim Carrey walks by with moose antlers_.]

**The Doctor:** [_Scanning a brown-haired woman in a green uniform_] You seem like a perfectly healthy woman. Why are _you_ here?

**Crewwoman:** Um, The Doctor, it's me….Crewman _William _Twizzler!

**The Doctor:** William?! Minions of Q…

**William Twizzler: **Still think I'm a hypochondriac, The Doctor?

**The Doctor: **[_Rushing between patients_] It's times like this when I wish I had a legitimate medical staff, instead of the pilot part-time.

**B'Zooka Tourguide: **The Doctor, I'm story to bother you at a time like this, but I need a scientist to explain what I'm seeing in this microscope.

**The Doctor:** So? I'm a doctor, not a biologist. Get one of these green-shirts to help you.

**B'Zooka:** I did, but they're all nameless crewman, and this is a ship-wide epidemic! We can't finish looking at one slide under the 'scope before they drop dead of their mutations. I've gone through six green-shirts already! [_Beside her is a pile of dead crewman_.]

**The Doctor:** Oh all right. [_Looks under the microscope_.] What the…is that writing on Mr. Chevrolet's DNA?

[_On Chevrolet's DNA is a written tag: IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU DEFINITLY DON'T NEED GLASSES_. _Suddenly, someone tries to shoot The Doctor! At the same time, B'Zooka's lungs give out. The Doctor beams himself out of the room, just as B'Zooka feints…_]

* * *

><p><strong>STILL SICKBAY, BUT LATER<strong>

[_Captain Myway, Tuvacca, Telephone Line, and Tim Parsnip are gathered around B'Zooka's bed. Telephone Line has a new brown catsuit with cameral-colored sleeves, and the HERSHEY'S logo across the chest_.]

**Tim Parsnip: **B'Zooka almost died, but I saved her, somehow.

**Myway:** And we still don't know where The Doctor went…

**The Doctor (V.O.):** _Telephone Line! I have hacked your Bored implants, and am transmitting this message to you through them. I assume that means only you can hear me. Make an excuse to leave and meet me in Holodeck 2. _

**Telephone Line:** …Excuse me Captain I…must use the ladies room.

**Myway:** Now's not a good time Telephone. Can't it wait until this crisis is over?

**Telephone Line:** It's…just that Mr. Cakemix insisted I explore my humanity by tasting his bean casserole, and I now fear that in a few moments, Lt. Tourgide won't be the only one with difficulty breathing…

**Myway:** Good god, get out of here! Go!

* * *

><p><strong>HOLODECK 2:<strong>

[_The Doctor wears tights and an absurd feathered hat, painting a portrait of a (clothed) woman in Renaissance Europe_.]

**The Doctor:** Telephone, this may startle you. But when Lt. Tourgide and I were examining the crew's DNA, someone tried to kill me! I came here to hide after realizing the truth. This may seem hard to believe but…there are invisible aliens, conducting experiments on the crew.

**Telephone Line:** That is hardly abnormal for this vessel, The Doctor. One-and-a-half weeks ago, Frogger rescued Commander Chevrolet from a race of rubber-forehead aliens who attempted to brainwash him into fighting their war. And the week prior to that incident, the ship fell under attack by a race highly intelligent crustaceans—

**The Doctor:** Yes Telephone, but the _crew_ wasn't the mutant-crabs or the mutant-rubber-forehead people! Don't you see how this situation is a little bit different?

**Telephone:** I do not.

**The Doctor:** [_Sigh_.] Well anyway, I'm going to adjust your ocular implant, so that you'll be able to see through the alien's invisibility spray. When you find one of them, you can wash away their disguise with this. [_Hands her a super-soaker_.]

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY: <strong>

[_Telephone Line walks through the hall, her eyesight tinted green. She sees the aliens, drilling things tubes and wires into the heads of the crewmembers—needles, wires, pinwheels, slinkies, you name it._]

**Telephone Line:** [_Whispers_] I see the aliens, The Doctor. They appear to be a race of transvestite fish-people.

**The Doctor:** It's worse than I imagined, then.

**Telephone Line: **I am entering the Captain's Ready Room…

**The Doctor:** Which Ready Room?

**Telephone Line:** Explain.

**The Doctor:** The Not-Ready Room? The Ready-OR-Not Room? The Ready Kaftka Room? What's the pun?

**Telephone Line:** You are babbling nonsense, The Doctor. I will suggest Lt. Tourguide run a diagnostic on your program, once this alien-invasion is over and done with. I'm entering the _Ready _Room.

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY-FOR-A-STUPID-PUN ROOM: <strong>

[_Captain Myway sits high on her sofa, flanked by two crewmen fanning her with giant tropical leaves. She's in the middle of a discussion with Tuvacca_.]

**Tuvacca:** …Shall I flog them as well, Captain?

**Myway:** I wasn't thinking that, but now that you mention it, yes, give Ensign Celery and Crewman Twizzler a good five flogs each. No one will touch my personal coffee supply again!

**Tuvacca:** That was sarcasm, Captain.

**Myway:** _Sigh_. So first I'm on permanent PMS like B'Zooka, then Chevrolet's old and boring like you, and now you're making sarcastic quips like The Doctor. Seems like this mutation epidemic has us all swapping personalities. What next, Telephone's going to start stuttering stupidly like Fairly Dim?!

**Telephone Line:** Er, Captain?

**Myway:** What!

[_Telephone stares. She sees two of the aliens, drilling wires into Myway's head_.]

**Telephone Line:** I…believe you should cut your hair.

[_Telephone rushes out of the room, while Myway sits back, thinking the idea over. One of the aliens gives her head-wire a twist, and Myway involuntarily whacks one of her fanning crewman with her coffee mug. Tuvacca watches, with whatever it is Vulcans have in place of confusion._]

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING: <strong>

**Telephone Line:** The Doctor, I am now in Engineering.

**The Doctor:** What for?

**Telephone Line:** The super-soaker you gave me is empty. I must fill it, so I can reveal the aliens. [_Takes a fire-hose out of the wall, and begins to fill her squirt gun_.]

**Tuvacca:** Drop your weapon, Telephone Line. [_Pointing a phaser at her_.]

**Telephone Line:** Commander, behind you. [_Hoses an alien who's standing behind Tuvacca, making her/him/it visible! Then takes the alien hostage, with the hose_.] Drop your weapons, or your friend dies!

[_All the other aliens, who've been gathered behind Tuvacca, freeze where they are_.]

**Transvestite Fish Woman:** Do what she says girls….boys….whatever.

**Tuvacca:** You will come with us now and see the captain, my good…person.

* * *

><p><strong>BRIG:<strong>

[_Myway paces around the Box, while the alien woman (for lack of a better term) sits there._]

**Myway:** So you've been drilling needles into my head for the last week. You made my best friend old. You turned my cook into a giraffe. For….what again?

**Fish Woman: **Science! You see, first, my species tested fire on bugs. But they didn't have enough capacity to feel pain, so we moved up to larger animals. Last month we were testing makeup on gorillas and eye-drops on rabbits. You should've seen those fuzzy little buggers, all piled up in the lab, with big puffy pink-eye.

**Myway:** Your species is SICK!

**Fish Woman:** Not as sick as your crewman back there.

[_Myway turns, and sees Crewmen Sally coughing and gasping. Myway runs and attempts CPR, but it fails._]

**Crewmen Sally:** [_Cough_] At least it wasn't [_Cough_] an exploding rock. [_Dies_.]

**Myway:** [_Stands up slowly, steam rising from the pins in her head_.]

**Fish Woman:** Oh come on, she never had one line before just now! Did you ever notice her there in the background bef—_WHEEZE! GASP! COUGH!_

[_Myway has Fish Woman pined against the wall, choking her_.]

**Myway:** I'm _ending_ this episode!

**Tuvacca:** Captain, strangling this alien may be justified, but it is hardly appropriate for a Star Freak captain.

**Myway:** Your right Tuvacca. [_Stops choking her_.] What would Han Solo do…[_Snaps her fingers with a smile, then rushes to the bridge._ ]

[_Tuvacca and the Alien woman follow, worried_.]

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE:<strong>

**Myway:** Tim! Take us through those two burning balls!

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Snicker_] Yes captain!

**Tuvacca:** Captain, the odds of our survival—

**Myway:** Shut it, 3-PO.

**Fish Woman: **ARE YOU CRAZY?

**Myway:** [_Runs a finger along her head-pins, proudly_.] Like a fox!

**Fish Woman: **Aaaaaaa! [_Covers eyes, as Frogger dives between the two balls_…]

* * *

><p><strong>-STF—<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Myway (V.O.): <strong>[_Cheerfully_]Captain's Log, end of the episode: flying between those balls completely fried the alien ships that were attached to our hulls! B'Zooka Tourguide finished off the rest of those goldfish-aliens that were milling around the ship with her Clingon martial arts, and Mr. Cakemix is brewing up a fish fry for the entire ship as I speak. Everyone has recovered during the commercial break. The pins have been removed from my head (and are great for croqueting scarves); Cakemix is no longer a giraffe, Chevrolet's young and buff, Crewman Twizzler's male, and B'Zooka can breathe again.

* * *

><p><strong>TIM'S QUARTERS: <strong>

**B'Zooka: **Tim, I've been thinking. What if our entire romance was just an alien experiment? What if we weren't meant to fall in love?

**Tim:** Then the fans would be pissed! And so would I.

[_B'Zooka smiles, and they lean in to kiss. But then the door chimes. It's Fairly Dim_.]

**Fairly Dim:** Sorry to interrupt Tim. I'm just paying you the $5.00 I owe you, from our bet over whether a crewman would die in this episode or not. [_Sniff_.] Smells good. Is that Chinese?

[_Tim slams the doors—as well as one can slam automatic doors—and returns to B'Zooka. They proceed to make out—in private this time_.]

**END **


	10. Parallax

**This is my first parody done from scratch, with no draft from high school to refer to. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>SPOOF TREK: FROGGER<strong>

"**Ex-Lax"**

(Spoofing "Parallax," Season 1)

**Summary: **_B'Zooka Tourguide punches Lt. Jim Carrey in the nose. Other things happen too, but that's the only part any of us will remember seven years later._

* * *

><p><strong>Captain Myway(V.O.): <strong>Captain's log, star date 5432.2345. Yesterday, my ship was dragged into the Dipwad Quadrant by the Banjo Man, and today, both the Star Freak and Mosquito crews are attempting to integrate. [_Pause_] I think it's going well.

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**Lt. Jim Carrey: …**Just keep that freaky Clingon lady away from my engine room!

[_The Doctor is treating Lt. Jim Carrey, whose nose is gushing blood. Commander Chevrolet observes_.]

**Chevrolet:** How hard did she punch you?

[_Carrey and the Doctor turn towards the wall, and Chevrolet follows their gaze. There is a huge hole shaped like Lt. Carrey….in that wall, in the next wall, and the next and the next, all the way to Engineering_.]

**Chevrolet:** [_Rubbing his temple_.] So what happened?

**Carrey:** Well Tourgide thought she knew more about engineering than I did. So I kinda started dancing around the warp core, and being all like, "Riddle me this: if there's a warp core breach in ten seconds and the com. system is down, what do you do?" just to, you know, test if she really knew what she was talking about. Next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground with blood pouring down my face….fifteen rooms away.

**The Doctor:** Keep this ice-pack on your nosecone, and take this orange soda. [_Hands Lt. Carrey a can of Sunkiss_.]

**Chevrolet:** I'll have a word with Tourgide.

[_He steps out of sickbay, and runs into two Mosquito crewmen, Salsa and Hulk Hogan. Salsa is a brunette woman in a green Star Freak uniform, with Cargassian scales on her neck and ears, and a smiley-face mask covering her face. Hogan is a muscular man in a yellow uniform, with a blue bandana and a blonde mullet and mustache_.]

**Salsa:** Commander! We heard that B'Zooka punched Lt. Carrey. And now everyone's saying that B'Zooka's going to be publicly hanged from the warp core for treason, all the Mosquitos are going to be confined to the Box when off-duty!

**Chevrolet:** [_Sigh_.] As first officer, I _should _probably ask where you heard that ridiculous rumor, just to make sure that there's no spy onboard who hates being bound by Star Freak protocols, and who's trying to manipulate the crew's emotions so they'll want to rebel against the authorities. BUT, I'm too tired to deal with any of that right now, so I'll just pretend I didn't think of it.

**Hogan:** …Huh?

**Salsa:** We just want you to know, we're ready to back you.

**Chevrolet:** Back me?

**Hogan:** If you wanna take the ship! [_Pounds fist into his palm_.]

**Chevrolet:** If I hear either of you talk that way again, I'll _personally_ throw you into the Box for mutiny! I am finished with rebelling against authority! From this moment forth, for the rest of this series, I am Captain Myway's most _obedient_ officer!

[_Chevrolet walks away, leaving Hogan and Salsa looking shocked. Well, Hogan looks shocked. We can't see Salsa's expression behind her smiley face mask; but we do see her jump back a little, as if startled_.]

* * *

><p><strong>B'ZOOKA TOURGIDE'S QUARTERS: <strong>

[_B'Zooka Tourguide paces around, seething._ _Cardboard boxes line the walls; she's not done unpacking for her new quarters. When Chevrolet opens the door, she grabs a heavy box and throws it at him. He dodges it, not too surprised._]

**Chevrolet:** B'Zooka, I want you to apologize to Lt. Carrey—

**B'Zooka:** Lt. Carrey is an IDIOT! He can't give one order to the Engineering team without throwing in some stupid impression of the Grinch or the Riddler—

**Chevrolet:** [_Sternly_] —not just a polite apology, a personal one! Over a hot bowl of tribble-soup! You just might need support from idiots like him, if you're going to be Chief Engineer of this ship!

**B'Zooka:** Pfft, right. Chevrolet, I can't tell if you're joking, or if you've been smoking your little peace pipe again.

**Chevrolet:** Neither. Although I might _need _a puff or two to calm my nerves, before I tell the captain that I want you to be her Chief Engineer!

**B'Zooka:** [_Taken aback_] But, but Carrey's next in line,

**Chevrolet:** You're a better engineer than he is. And a far more interesting character. I'll be damned if I'm going to see a half-Clingon, ex-Mosquito engineering-wiz like you play recurring-crewmen while some bland Star Freak goodie-goodie like him gets a regular role on this series! So fix your behavior! [_Leaves_.]

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY-TO-START-THIS-SERIES ROOM: <strong>

[_Captain Myway, Chevrolet, Tuvacca, Tim Parsnip, and Fairly Dim are the only ones sitting around the table, for this first meeting._]

**Captain Myway: **Let's get down to business. First off, let's get the old "Lord of the Rings" joke out of the way. This is the first of probably _hundreds_ of times we'll be sitting around this long table talking dramatically; no one's even _said_ "the ring must be destroyed!" yet, and the joke's _already_ old. So let's just get it over with. Would anyone care? Mr. Parsnip?

**Tim Parsnip:** Hmm? Oh, sure! [_Clears throat_] The ring—wait no! I think Tuvacca should do Elrond's line, he's got the ears and the composure! Let me be that other guy, who's like, "One does not simply walk into Morridor,"

[_Suddenly, Cakemix and Keish come rushing in. Keish is dressed in a colorful Tinkerbell dress, with jingly bells dangling from the skirt. Cakemix has an apron that says "Kiss the Cook!"_]

**Cakemix:** …And mesa can be the rugged ranger king, with is beautiful elf princess lover! [_Keish beams; the rest of the room stares at Cakemix, unconvinced about the first part_.] Sorry wesa late, but no one informed us there was a meeting.

**Myway:** Cakemix, the Senior Staff meetings are for Regular Characters only. And while I've accepted you and Keish aboard my ship, but I'm not about to force the audience to endure either of you every single week.

[_Cakemix begins that annoying squeaky laugh of his, in a soft cackle that's actually kind of creepy. Next to him, Keish smiles slowly._]

**Cakemix:** The studio thinks ooootherwiiiiise….

[_He hands Myway a packet, labeled "CAST." Myway reads, her eyes widening with horror. Tuvacca and Chevrolet read over her shoulder_.]

**Tuvacca:** It would seem that the powers-that-be intend for Mr. Cakemix to be our show's "alien hustler," our equivalent of Corkscrew, from "Freak Space Nine." [_Everyone looks at Cakemix, VERY unconvinced_.] And we must keep Keish so that we have at least three female regulars, for political correctness.

**Fairly Dim:** Political correctness? They're concerned about being politically correct to women, so they write in a flower-picking nurse in a miniskirt, in love with a way-older guy who treats her like crap? Why don't they give her floppy pink bow and a rolling pin, while they're at it?

**Chevrolet: **I don't understand it either. They've got seven good, original characters already. Do they really need to shoehorn in a Corkscrew-rip-off and a Counselor Trite rip-off?

[_Neither Cakemix nor Keish reacts react to these comments. They just stand there, grinning expectedly_.]

**Myway:** Might as well admit defeat. Go ahead Cakemix, Keish. Have a seat. Hmm, there don't seem to be enough chairs…

**Tim Parsnip:** Here you go, Miss. [_Stands and offers his seat to Keish_.]

**Cakemix:** Yousa hittin' on MY girl? I'LL KILL YOU! [_Starts to strangle a surprised Tim, while Keish watches, looking slightly worried_.]

**Myway:** [_Pops some aspirin and washes it down with coffee_.] We still need a doctor, or at least a nurse. Ah—no, no, Keish, [_Keish has raised her hand_] According to this bible here, [_Smacks the "CAST" booklet Cakemix gave her_] the powers-that-be want to spread the job-assignments out a little. This episode is for B'Zooka becoming Chief Engineer; _next_ week, they'll let _you_ prove yourself as nurse. [_Keish puts her hand down_.] Lt. Parsnip, you studied biochemistry at Star Freak academy, didn't you?

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Finally_ _manages to get Cakemix with a 3-Stooges eye-poke, and breaks free of his gras_p] Yeah, so? That's not even remotely like taking care of the sick and wounded! What about all those science-department green-shirts? They must know far more about the humanoid body than I do! Or if not them, one of the Mosquitos; they must be used to nursing injuries on a regular basis—

**Myway:** We need a doctor for when the ship's in a _crisis_. Parsnip, what happens to nameless greenshirts or redshirts or yellowshirts during a crisis?

**Tim Parsnip: **…Right. [_Looks defeated_.]

**Myway: **It's only until next week, when Keish gets her episode. So now, we need to worry about chief engineer, and some other positions.

**Chevrolet:** Here's a list of Mosquito crewmen who I think would make good characters. [_Hands her a PAD_]

**Myway:** [_Reading_] Hmm…Chip, a Bowlian; a blue crewman popping up now and again would be cool, yeah…...Hogan for the Engineering team? Well, I guess it'd be useful to have someone who can literally punch things back into place… and…B'Zooka Tourguide for Chief Engineer? Wasn't she involved in that incident with Lt. Carrey?

**Chevrolet:** [_Nervously takes a deep whiff from his peace pipe, then stows it back under the table._] Yes. Yes she was.

**Myway:** [_Quietly_] ….Anger management problems?

**Chevrolet:** _Hoh_ yes. Her mother was a Clingon—and she's very conflicted about that. Probably filled to the brim with angst and flashbacks. _In addition_ to a talent for ass-kicking, of course. But anyway, she's the best engineer I've ever known, which is why I've recommended her.

[_As he's been talking, a smile has been spreading across Myway's face, like the Grinch, as she imagines all of the juicy episodes they can wring out of B'Zooka Tourgide_.]

**Myway: **Well, I'll just have a word with Lt. Tourgide!

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

[_Keish walks in, and The Doctor appears_.]

**The Doctor:** Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

**Keish:** [_Holds up Chevrolet's peace pipe_] Hello The Doctor! Commander Chevrolet let me have a puff of this Earth instrument, and I felt so free…like my mental powers could go anywhere….and that gave me an idea; I could prepare a gardening bay for the ship, filled with plants like this! We just need some soil to grow it in. Can you replicate some?

**The Doctor: **Who told you to ask a _medical_ program to operate the replicator for you? If going up to a replicator and saying, "Computer, three cups of soil please!" is too complicated for you, couldn't someone else on the ship do it for you?

**Keish:** …You're very _grumpy_, aren't you The Doctor. You certainly don't seem very _happy_. But maybe that's just because you're secretly _bashful_. In any case, I'm sure you're a great _doc_, and you could help anyone who was, I don't know, _sneezy_. And you're a hologram, so of course you never get _sleepy_, but your social skills might be a bit _dopey_…

**The Doctor:** What.

**Keish:** My point is, I think we'll make great friends! I could help you out here in sickbay, and sing songs about my true love, as I teach you how to treat people nicely and keep your sickbay clean! We can _whistle while we wooork_… [_Birds whistle the song with her, as she dances and twirls her way towards the door._] Oh by the way The Doctor, I think you're shrinking.

[_She is right; the Doctor is now a head shorter than her_.]

**The Doctor: **….Thank you….Please remember to turn off the program….

**Kesih:** Computer, deactivate Emergency Regular Character. [_Doors shut behind her and her birds_.]

**The Doctor:** There, was that hard? Now why should replicating some soi— [_Vanishes_]

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

**Tim Parsnip: **Oh look, a singularity! A black hole that sucks in and destroys everything in its path! Who wants to bet me five bucks I can't do a wheelie around this thing without falling in? Anyone?

**Myway: **There will be no gambling on my ship, Mr. Parsnip! We have to investigate every space anomaly we encounter, if there's a chance it may provide a way home or a smashing episode. So you'll do those wheelies for free!

**Tim Parsnip:** Aye Sir—[_Gets a disapproving look from Myway_] Ma'am— [_Another disapproving look_] Goddess of the Power Bun? [_Look of approval_.]

**Keish: **What's a singularity, Cakemix?

**Myway:** [_To Chevrolet_] What the hell are Tinkerbell and the kitchen rodent doing on my bridge?

**Chevrolet:** [_Shrugs, playing "Kingdom Hearts" on the little computer by his chair_.]

**Cakemix: **A singularity is a star, that has collapsed in on itself. Why, mesa almost got caught in a black hole once, on a particularly dangerous mission—

**Keish:** A star! I know what that is!_ When you wiiiish upon a staaaar_—

[_Myway rubs her forehead, while the rest of the bridge cringes painfully_.]

**Tim Parsnip: **Is that a ship in that black hole, out there?

[_A jingly sound comes from Fairly Dim's consol, like a '90s computer getting an email_]

**Fairly Dim:** Captain we've got mail but…I can't open it! I'll try reversing the polarity…okay I think I've got…_oh no_… "Windows is loading"…

**Myway:** Try "Control, Alt, Delete," Ensign.

**Dim:** ….No effect!

**Myway:** I'm going to try sending a message to that other ship. Open a channel. [_He does_] Alien vessel, this is Captain Kathryn Myway of the Federation starship Frogger. Do you need help?

**Farily Dim:** They're not responding. But I've got the email opened! Here it is:

**Email:** _Alien vessel, this is Captain Kathryn Myway of the Federation starship Frogger. Do you need help?_

[_Everyone stares at each other in confusion_.]

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING: <strong>

**Lt. Jim Carrey: **Hey, Clingon lady, I'm s'posed to tell you that there's a meeting in the Almost-Ready Room, or the Ready-Bluey-Greeny Room, or something weird. Anyway, you and me are both going, 'cuz I guess we're the two runners up for Chief Engineer. Just remember that _I'm_ the Star Freak officer here, and _you_ are the convicted crook. So don't say anything smart unless you're spoken to, got that?

**B'Zooka Tourguide: **All right. Thanks for the advice, I guess.

**Jim Carrey:** Okay, so just to make sure, [_Leaps up onto the railing around the warpcore, twirling a __**?**__-shaped cane_] Riddle me this! If no one has spoken to you during the meeting, what do you do?

[_B'Zooka raises her fist to punch him again, but his held back by Hulk Hogan and Vulcan Ensign Forklift. Carrey winds up slipping and falling backwards to the floor, anyway_.]

* * *

><p><strong>THE BREAKFAST-IS-READY ROOM: <strong>

[_All of the Regular characters are around the table, plus Carrey, but minus The Doctor because he's stuck in sickbay, and minus Telephone Line because she isn't on the show yet_.]

**Myway: **So apparently, that ship we thought was an alien vessel distress _was_ in distress, but it wasn't alien; it was _us_, five minutes into the future! A time-delayed reflection, if you will!

**Tim Parsnip:** Wait, wait, wait; so, we were cruising along at Warp 6, when we found a ship in distress. But now you're saying, that ship was a reflection of ourselves, from the future. And that signal we got from them was the greeting _you _sent out, only you hadn't sent it yet. I think I speak for the whole audience when I say…dude,_ waaat? _

[_A screen on the wall turns on, showing the Doctor. He looks…flattened_.]

**The Doctor: **Sorry to interrupt, but I'm shrinking. I'm now only four feet tall. I'd like someone to fix me before I wink out of existence, please.

**Lt. Jim Carrey:** Can I make a midget joke right now? Or would that be, like, racist or something?

**Myway:** The only bigotry we tolerate in Star Freak is that against holograms, Mr. Carrey. So no, no midget jokes. But we _can_ rudely hang up on him. [_Turns off the wall screen_.]

**Carrey:** [_Impressed_] Oooh!

**Myway:** All right, now it's time for what I like to call… "Sudden Death!" Carry, Tourguide, I want each of you to answer….How the hell do we get out of this black hole?

**Carrey:** [_Flipping through a Star Freak Handbo_ok] We could, like, uh, make first contact with the black hole, and like, reverse the polarity, in accordance with Star Freak policy.

**B'Zooka: **We could rip the black hole a new one, literally, by emitting a Butt-Pull Beam from a shuttlecraft. Then Flyboy here can take us out at maximum warp. [_Thumbs to Tim Parsnip._]

**Myway:** That's my girl! Let's get a shuttle, Tourguide.

**Tim Parsnip:** You'll need the best pilot to help you with that!

**Myway: **No, Tim. It's too early for you to start trying to impress B'Zooka. Bicker and argue for a couple seasons until the fans _want_ you together, _then_ make your move. B'Zooka and I will take the shuttle out alone. In the meantime, you can hit on some obvious babes, to establish your character as a womanizing flyboy.

[_Tim looks around for an "obvious babe." His eyes land, inadvertently, on Keish, and Cakemix lunges at him again_. _No one reacts._]

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLE CRAFT: <strong>

**B'Zooka Tourguide: **Captain, I respect Chevrolet, but he's wrong. I can't be your show's chief engineer. The truth is, I quit Star Freak academy because everyone said I was just a rip-off of Commander Wart and Ensign Schmo from "Next Generation." And they're right.

**Myway:** But Tourguide, Wart and Schmo were among the best characters on "TNG"! Being their rip-off is high praise! Besides, plenty of good characters are direct rip-offs of previous ones…but it's a rare great character who's a rip-off of _two_ very _different_ ones. A combination like that makes for something new and interesting! Professor Chapstick said in his records that if you ever re-applied for Star Freak academy, he would support you.

**B'Zooka:** What? Professor Chapstick hated me! I fought with him every day!

**Myway:** Some professors like troubled delinquents. They can spice up a classroom…or a _TV series_. [_Smiles_.]

**B'Zooka:** [_Filled with hope_] Emitting the Butt-Pull beam!

[_They emit the Butt-Pull Beam, and a hole is opened up in the black hole. They then return to Frogger…only to find that there are two identical ships next to each other_!]

**B'Zooka:** Oh no, one of these is a time-delayed reflection.

**Myway: **According to this TV guide, we only have five minutes left of the episode!

**B'Zooka:** That means we only have time to guess once to get the right ship! It must be the one pointed towards the exit…

**Myway:** No! It's the other ship! I can feel it in my bun!

[_They fly to the ship, and it's the right one_. _Then Frogger flies out of the black hole, to freedom. And there is much rejoicing._]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**The Doctor: **[_The size of a Ken Doll_] Is anyone ever going to fix my program?

**Tim Parsnip: **You know doc, right now I've only got… [_Counts on his fingers_] Chevrolet, B'Zooka, all the Mosquitos, Cakemix, my own dad…._five_ sworn rivals in my life, at the moment. I could use one more. So don't take it personally if I insult you. [_Folds arms_.] I think I like you better this way!

**The Doctor: **[_Disapproving stare._]

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING: <strong>

_**Lt.**_** B'Zooka Tourguide: **[_Shouting_]All right you tribble-brained termites, get to your stations! Hogan, stock up the gel packs! Salsa, run a diagnostic on something, and get a new uniform; green doesn't work for you, try yellow. Forklift, press those buttons over there! Crewman #3 and Crewman 65, go work at that station on the second level—and do it without dying for god's sake! I want all of you working, on the devil! ….Please. [_They all get to work_.] And Carrey…

**Lt. Jim Carrey:** [_Unenthused_] Yes…Lieutenant?

**B'Zooka: **I realize that you're probably more up-to-date on Star Freak protocol than I am, and I have to rely on you to keep me informed about the rules…so…[_Sigh_]….you can….drill me….if you want.

**Carrey:** [_Suddenly brightens up with a smile_] You can count on me Lt.! [_Leaps up onto the little elevator, pulling out his __**?**__-cane_] Riddle me this! If you disagree with a superior officer, what do you do?!

**B'Zooka:** I ask for permission to speak freely…respectfully…and I do not punch them.

**Carrey:** YOU ARE CORRECT SIR! [_Dancing around the second-story railing. He accidently knocks Crewman #3 over the edge, killing her._] Riddle me this! If the ship is caught between two binary suns, and reversing the polarity doesn't work….

[_Above, Myway and Chevrolet watch, proudly_.]

**Myway: **Commander, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful season.

[_They walk past Crewman #65, working on a wall-panel. He presses a wrong button and is electrocuted, dying instantly. They don't notice._]

**Chevrolet:** Permission to speak freely, Captain?

**Myway:** Go ahead.

**Chevrolet:** If our satiation had been different, and we were on my ship instead of Frogger, and I was still wearing my rugged Mosquito outfit…would you find me sexy?

**Myway:** [_Smiling_] One nice thing about being captain, sometimes you can keep things to yourself.

**THE END! **


	11. Collective

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Collectable" **

(Spoofing "Collective," Season 6)

**Summary: **_Four foul-mouthed Bored children are liberated and adopted by Telephone Line._

* * *

><p><strong>SCENE 1: DELTA LIGHTNING<strong>

[_We open to a shot of Frogger's specially designed shuttlecraft, Delta Lightning. It looks like a large shuttle craft with special power jets, and yellow lightning bolts painted along its sides. Inside, Chevrolet, Tim Parsnip, Farily Dim, and Cakemix are playing a game._]

**Fairly Dim:** Okay, okay. Um…I've never….lived the life of an outlaw on the run!

[_Chevrolet, Tim and Cakemix groan playfully, and each take a sip from their bottles of Rumulan Ale_.]

**Cakemix:** Mesa turn! Um…I never…been chased by a Trek fangirl!

[_Chevrolet, Tim and Fairly all take huge gulps_.]

**Fairly Dim:** Sorry to interrupt, but I've got one for all of us. Pretend none of us were married or had girlfriends. If you could get with anyone in the universe, who would it be?

**Chevrolet: **I'd go for that Vulcan queen, with the accent. [_Everyone else acts surprised, and put off_.] Oh what, so nobody thinks _power_ is sexy?!

**Cakemix:** Mesa gonna say….the bald babe from "Spoof Trek: The Motion Picture." What about you, Farily?

**Fairly Dim:** Oh come on, that's easy. The chick with three boobs from "Total Recall!" Either her, or Crewmen Jenny Delirious. What about you, Tim? Don't worry, we won't tell B'Zooka.

[_Tim Parsnip is staring out the window, jaw-dropped. They all look. Floating in space is a cardboard box the size of Kentucky, covered in metal technology and green lighting. It is a Card Bored Box, the vessel used by the dreaded Bored Collective_.]

**Chevrolet:** [_Spits out his drink_.] Stations!

**Card Bored Box:** We are the Bored. Fun and excitement are irrelevant. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

[_Tim pilots Delta Lightning along the top of the Cardboard Box, while the Bored fire lasers at them. (One might wonder why they aren't trying to fly __**away**__ from the Bored Vessel, rather than along its __**side**__, but it looks so cool that no one questions it.) As Delta Lightning flies by, the music from the asteroid scene in "Empire Strikes Back" plays; John Williams and the band he is conducting look up proudly from the surface of the Cardboard Box, as Delta Lightning flies overhead_._ Delta Lightning almost escapes to freedom, but is stopped in its tracks by a glowing green tractor beam._]

**Tim Parsnip:** Balls! They've got us in a tractor beam!

* * *

><p><strong>SCENE 2: INSIDE THE CARDBORD BOX: <strong>

[_Cakemix walks down a Bored hallway, in a slanted, surreal scene that's meant to seem like a dream image. Bored Drones walk here and there. He finds Chevrolet, but only sees him from the back_.]

**Cakemix:** C-Commander…?

[_Chevrolet slowly turns around_…._revealing the squiggly cartoon face of Nigel Thornberry! Cakemix bursts awake, with the real Chevrolet standing over him._]

**Cakemix: **Commander! Yousa okay! I had the most disturbing dream that yousa'd been assimilated by a creepy Internet meme. Well, second-most disturbing; my first most disturbing dream was when I had that near-death experience, and went on that Vision Quest where I saw my dead sister and my own dead body and all that junk. Plus that dream I had in Season 1, where Keish was all burned and red-eyed….Mesa have a lot of disturbing dreams, now that I think of it. I might ask The Doctor about that…

**Chevrolet:** You have one messed-up little mind, Cakemix, no lie. But that's not important right now. It looks like you, me and Tim are trapped in a Bored assimilation chamber. Fairly's missing.

[_They look around the dimly lit, green-tinted room. Screens on the walls play "Twilight" movies and golf tournaments. The walls are stacked with math textbooks and Classic American literature. Board games like Scrabble and Monopoly litter the floor_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Commander! [_Staring down at a dead humanoid corpse, half-covered in Bored technology_.] They got Fairly! Oh god, my best friend! I always dragged that poor dweeb on my stupid adventures, and this is where it got him… [_Holds the body, sniffling sadly_]

**Chevrolet:** That's no one we know, Tim. Just some poor bastard who got caught long before we did.

**Tim:** Oh. [_Drops the corpse like a sack of beans_.] Well what are they waiting for? Why don't they just get it over with an assimilate us already?! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!

**Chevrolet:** Calm down Tim. We're Regulars, we won't die that easily—

**Tim:** Don't say that Chevrolet! Don't you watch slasher flicks? The calm rational person always dies first!

**Cakemix:** Mesa thinkin' it was the funny guy that goes first.

**Tim:** Aaaaaaa!

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER'S BRIDGE: <strong>

**Captain Myway: **This is bad, everyone. Chevrolet, Fairly, and Tim are all being held hostage by that Bored vessel. That's all three of our show's male hotties! If we lose them, our ratings among the female Trekkies are done for. They've also got the hedgehog, which means that if the replicators ever go offline, I can't get my coffee!

**B'Zooka Tourguide: **But when that cube attacked Frogger, we defeated them way too easily. Something's wrong here.

**Telephone Line: **[_Wearing a brown catsuit_] Lt. Tourguide is correct, Captain. This Bored vessel is behaving erratically. The Bored never take hostages, and are never defeated by a Federation vessel in less time than at least one full episode. I am suspicious.

**Myway:** And I am too.

**Tuvacca:** And I am boring. Captain, may I sit in Commander Chevrolet's chair, until he returns?

**Myway:** No.

[_Tuvacca stares at her with a blank expression, with she can read as Vulcan puppy-eyes_.]

**Myway:** Oh all right!

[_Tuvacca darts from his station to Chevrolet's chair, and sits down_.]

**Tuvacca: **[_Proudly_] Now I'm boring in a chair.

**Myway:** Fairly, hail the Bo—Oh right, dammit. Um, B'Zooka, hail the Bored vessel.

**B'Zooka:** Why am I even up here? I'm the chief engineer. Can't some other yellow-shirt fill in for Fairly while he's gone?

**Myway:** You think any of those nameless crewmen will come within a mile of this bridge, during a crisis involving the Bored?

[_B'Zooka nods with understanding, and hails the Bored. On the view screen appear the drones, and the hostages. Chevrolet, Tim, and Cakemix sit against the wall,_ _tied up and gagged with duct tape_. _In front of them stand four Bored children, all boys, about 8 or 9 years old. Their only "clothing" is the Bored technology that covers their bodies. They each have some armor on their heads that resembles winter hats, or in one case, a hood. One Bordlett is very fat._]

**Fat Bordlett**: We have your crewmen hostage! If you ever want to see them alive again, you will hand over all of your food replicators, pre-programmed to create chicken sundaes!

**Bordlett With an earflap "hat": **We don't want chicken sudaes fat-ass, we want their deflector!

**Fat Bordlett:** Don't call me fat you f*cking Jew!

**Jewish Bordlett: **Don't you oppress me, Fat Boy!

**Hooded Bordlett:** Muffle muff muff mufflemff!

**Fourth Bordlett:** God dammit. [_Facepalms_.]

[_Myway and her crew stare at the Bordletts in shock and confusion_.]

**Telephone Line:** They are children!

**Myway:** Fowl-mouthed ones at that! Someone needs to teach these brats some manners.

[_The "Jew" and the "Fat-ass" are now on the ground, strangling each other, while the hooded kid laughs. The fourth Bordlett goes up to the screen_.]

**Bordlett:** We'll continue this negotiation! You have 24 hours to hand over your deflector, or your hostages die! [_Turns off the screen_.]

**Myway:** I'll transport to that cube myself, and negotiate for the release of our hostages, risking life, limb, and my individuality….on second thought, Telephone, you can probably relate to these poor Bored children. Why don't you go?

* * *

><p><strong>CARDBOARD BOX: <strong>

[_Farily Dim sneaks around, ducking behind giant dictionaries and regeneration desks. He leaves a trail of cards behind him. Suddenly, he finds himself faced with two of the Bordletts—the Hooded one, and the Sane One_.]

**Hooded Bordlett:** [_Holds up the Queen of Heart_s] Muff mff muff, muffle muff muff muff muffle!

**Fairly Dim:** Huh?

**Sane Bordlett:** He said "I like her, because she has big t*tties."

**Fairly: **[_Wrinkles nose_] You're like eight! You shouldn't be thinking about that yet!

[_The fat Boredlett pops up from behind and sticks his assimilation bendy-straws into Farily Dim's neck. Two seconds later, Telephone Line beams aboard (now in her blue catsuit)_.]

**Fat Bordlett:** Your garment has changed in color.

**Telephone Line: **I have many catsuits. I wish to visit with our hostages, and negotiate for their release. You wish to use our deflector to contact the Collective, but they have abandoned you for your fowl mouths.

**Jewish Boredlett:** That's not true! Our unique and colorful vocabulary contributed greatly to the Collective! We'll prove our worth to them, once we've successfully assimilated someone by ourselves!

[_Telephone sees Farily Dim on the ground, unconscious, covered in Bored technology_.]

**Telephone:** You brats! …What's that?

[_She is now looking at a round window in the wall. A foot-ball-shaped baby is inside, crying. When he cries, his whole head opens up_.]

**Telephone:** This child is from Species 3186, the Canadian Species. He will not survive in these conditions, I must transport him to Frogger.

**Jewish Bordlett:** Please, save our baby brother.

**Telphone:** Our doctor will try. [_Beams the baby to Frogger_.]Children, I do not think you truly wish to return to the Collective. Recall your lives, before you were assimilated. You families, your homes. The games you used to play.

**Sane Bordlett:** I used to watch "Terrance and Phillip," and play on my Game Cube…

**Jew Bordlett:** My mother had hair, like you, and a really bad temper…

**Fat Bordlett:** Ay! Cease this irrelevant discourse! RESPECT MA ATHORITAY!

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER'S SICKBAY: <strong>

**The Doctor:** Telephone beamed two gifts onto our doorstep. One is quite cute. [_Plops the Bored baby in Captain Myway's arms_.]

**Myway:** Aaaaw…

**The Doctor: **The other, not so much. [_Gestures to the dead half-assimilated body on the biobed_.]

**Myway:** Yech! Any idea…?

**The Doctor:** Apparently, these Bored children are incapable of properly assimilating someone. Their fowl mouths and toilet humor clash violently with the Bored nanoprobes, resulting in a fatal illness. Those children themselves will be in danger, unless we liberate them from the Collective.

**Tuvacca: **Or kill them.

**The Doctor: **Tuvacca, surely you must be joking. And don't give me that "I'm a Vulcan" crap. I know you can be ironic when you want to.

**Tuvacca:** Indeed. However, this time I am serious. These children pose a significant security threat to our ratings. It is a miracle that the fans don't find Naomi Wildthing intolerably annoying; adding four more children—kid geniuses no less—would not be wise.

**Myway:** As long as none of them save the ship or wine regularly, there shouldn't be a problem. [_To the baby_] Let's just hope your older brothers don't force my hand.

**Baby:** Cookie monster!

_**BOOM!**_

**Myway:** [_Hands the baby back to The Doctor_] Sounds like those brats are attacking us again! Let's get back to the bridge. [_Frowns_.] Who did we leave in charge of the bridge, anyway? Surely B'Zooka's busy in Engineering, and the rest of the senior staff besides us is being held hostage…

**Tuvacca:** The same group that is in charge of the bridge whenever all the senior officers are in a Ready Room meeting.

**Myway:** Which is who? I've never thought of it before…

[_They enter the bridge. Tuvacca's two security crewman, Bob (the black guy) and Tito (the Latino/Arab guy) are sitting in the Captain's and First Officer's chairs. The rest of the nameless bridge crewman are sitting on the floor. Everyone has a set of game controls in their hands; they are racing on a Mario Bros. game, while eating Cheetohs_, _ignoring the fact that the ship is still being shot at_.]

**Myway:** Clear off! [_Swipes remote from Lt. Tito and turns off the game_.] G'won, ya little cretins.

[_She turns on the view screen, to the Cardboard box_. _All four hostages are tied up, including a half-conscious Fairly Dim, who's face is still covered with metal Bored implants._]

**Sane Boredlett:** Your 24 hours are up, and now we're ripping your deflector off by force!

**Myway:** I can't allow that. But you are still children, and a compassionate female captain like me cannot possibly entertain the idea of harming—

**Fat Boredlett:** LISTEN, YOU **** ****ING **** WITH A **** WHO LIKES TO **** *** ***************, RESPECT OUR ATHOROTAH!

**Jewish Bordlett:** What's a **********?

**Sane Boredlett:** **** if I know dude.

**Hooded Boredlett: **Mff muffle muff muffle muffn muffle muff! [_Giggles_]

**Sane Boredlett:** Dude sick!

**Myway:** Tuvacca, fire at will. Set to kill.

**Tuvacca:** Aye, captain.

[_He fires a transwarp tortilla. On the screen, it is seen hitting the Hooded Boredlett, blowing him up_.]

**Sane Boredlett:** Oh my god, they killed Kenny!

**Jew Boredlett:** You bastards!

**Myway: **Children, I apologize for the violence. But if you'll listen for just a moment, I have a moral lesson I want to share with you.

**Sane Boredlett:** No, I'll tell the moral of the day. Because I learned something today. I learned that if you try to take everything you want by force, with violence, it'll never work out good for anyone. We should've just asked politely for your deflector. If we had, Kenny would still be alive.

* * *

><p>—<strong>STF—<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Myway (V.O.): <strong>Captain's log. We now have five new additions to our cast of Recurring Characters—

[_As the ship flies by, we hear the Jewish Boredlett yell "Kick the baby!" and the football-shaped, Canadian baby comes soaring out the window of the ship, across outer space. (He lands safe and sound, in the arms of an alien couple on a planet who wanted to adopt a baby.)_]

**Myway (V.O.):** —_Four_ new additions. Our three hotties are back onboard, and Fairly Dim is recovering in sickbay with some Mel Brooks movies to cure his Boredom. Telephone Line has found the Bored children's names and biographies online, and is helping them to regain their identities.

* * *

><p><strong>TELEPHONE'S CARBO BAY:<strong>

[_Telephone Line, in a purple catsuit, faces the four Bored boys_.]

**Telephone Line:** Your name is Stanley. You were born on the planet of Colorado. And you are Kyle, from the Jersey sector. Your name is Cartman, and you are of the Piganoid Civilization. You can be mama's little piggy—

**Cartman (the fat Boredlett):** DON'T CALL ME LITTLE PIGGY!

**Telephone:** …and you are Kenny. Your species is capable of regenerating itself after death.

**Kenny:** Mff, muffle muff! [_Hugs Telephone Line_.]

**Telephone Line: **….and this is Naomi Wildthing, the first child born on Frogger. She will be your new playmate.

**Naomi Wildthing.** [_Shyly_] Hi everyone….Hi Stan.

[_Hearts have been flying from Stan's face since he saw Naomi; but once she speaks to him, he pukes on her._]

**Naomi Wildhting:** Eeeeew! [_Runs from the cargo bay_.]

**Telephone Line: **Already, I am feeling a protective affection for all of you, as if you were my own offspring.

[_They all go "aaaaw!" and get into a group hug_.]

**Telephone Line: **Except for Cartman.

**Cartman:** Ay!

**Stan:** Naturally.

_**THE END! **_


	12. Fury

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Cosmic Menopause" **

(Spoofing "Fury," Season 6)

**Summary:** _Keish returns to Frogger, with powers beyond anyone's comprehension, and menopausal._

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY-AS-I'LL-EVER-BE ROOM:<strong>

**Myway: **I've tried to decipher rumor from fact, and I've discovered from your Face Book account that says you are now 99 years old! [_Hands him a blue cake with a candle on it_.]

**Tuvacca:** Indeed. It will not be long before I hit the "big three digits."

**Myway: **…which is odd, since you mentioned back in Season 3 that you were already over 100. So I must say Tuvacca: this is almost as exciting as your _first_ 99th birthday….eleven years ago.

[_Tuvacca blows out the candle, with a disapproving look. They walk onto the bridge_.]

**Myway: **Your secret's safe with me Tuvacca, I love you. I love my whole senior staff! We've got the perfect cast for a Trek series. A manically determined hero [_motions to herself with her coffee_], a dedicated rebel [_Gestures to Chevrolet_], a classic Vulcan, a butt-kicking half-Clingon girl, a smooth-talking flyboy, the cute new kid—

**Farily Dim:** I've been here for six years! Quit calling me "new kid"!

**Myway:** —a sarcastic hologram, a jolly cook, and a beautiful but brainy Bored woman. [_Sips coffee with satisfaction_.]

[_Suddenly, a soft, familiar voice echoes throughout the bridge_]

_**What about the kind, gentle, otherworldly alien girl with mental powers beyond her own imagination? The most original and fascinating character of all? HAVE YOU ALL COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME?!**_

[_Everyone looks around, confused and surprised_.]

**Tuvacca:** [_Squinting_] I feel we should know who this is….a central character, from years ago…

**Myway:** I think I know who it is too…but…when did Salsa the Cargassian spy ever have mental powers?

[_A burst of flames erupts on the bridge, and an aged Keish appears_.]

**Myway:** Keish! You're, you're old,

**Keish:** Disney Princesses only live about 9 years. Rarely can _ten_ sequels be made, before a new girl shows up and takes over. I am reaching the end of my lifespan. AND I BLAME YOU ALL!

**Tim Parsnip:** For what? Getting old?

**Keish:** No, fool.

**Tim:** For…..getting menopause?

**Keish**: NO! You primates can't imagine what I've been through in the last three years, since I left Frogger. First I attended this convention for telepaths, and I had to sit next to Counselor Dementia Trite from "Next Generation" for five hours! After I finally snapped and fried everyone there with my powers, I took up with that idiot Q. The man was a _slob_ I tell you! He left his dirty socks all over the Continuum, he wouldn't get a job, he spent all our money on lottery tickets, he'd borrow my shuttle without permission—

**Myway:** But Keish, you…you voted YOURSELF off of Frogger! How can you blame…?

**Keish:** YOU FILLED MY HEAD WITH IDEAS! AAAAARGGG….

[_Keish rises an inch above the ground and floats across the bridge. She blasts a hole in the wall, allowing herself access to the halls_.]

**Tuvacca:** Security!

**Lieutenants Bob & Tito:** What?

**Tuvacca:** COME! [_Grabs them and pulls them along, through the hole in the wall_.]

**Crewman Sarah:** _Crewman Sarah to the bridge! Keish is headed towards Engineering, and she's zapping people left and right with her—AAAAAAA!_

**Crewman Michelle: **_Crewman Michelle to bridge! Keish is almost at Engineer—AAAAAA!_

**Crewman Giller:** _AAAAAAA! _

**Tim Parsnip:** [Singing] _And so she's back, from outer space…I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face—_

**Chevrolet:** [_Annoyed_] Tim!

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING: <strong>

**B'Zooka Tourguide: **[_Frizzy Season 6 hair_] …Carrey, fix that thing over there! Forklift, do something with your hair, it's boring!

**Vulcan Ensign Forklift:** Yes, Lieutenant. [_Looks at his reflection in a wall panel, and gingerly starts to fiddle with his hair_.]

[_Keish suddenly blasts a hole in the wall and marches in_.]

**B'Zooka: **You fix that right now or I'll kick your ass, WhoEVER-You-Are!

**Telephone Line:** [_Points a phase at Keish_.] I recognize you. Your time on this series is over, Keish. Admit defeat and exit this ship!

**Keish:** [_Ignoring her_] Tim Parsnip should've been mine, Bitch! [_Begins to zap B'Zooka with lightning, staring down at her with glowing eyes in a sagging old face_] And now young Tourguide….he he he….you will die!

[_Telephone tries to shoot Keish, but the phaser explodes in her hand. B'Zooka goes limp. Keish then grabs the warp core, hugging it. Everyone stares in horror_.]

**Ensign Forklift:** [_Now with a pink Mohawk_] Oh god….What ARE you doing to the Warp Core?!

[_Keish vanishes_.]

**BRIDGE:**

**Telephone Line (V.O.): **Lt. Tourguide is dead. Keish has made love to the warp core, and vanished.

**Tim Parsnip:** Dead like, dead-dead? Or just dead till the end of the episode, dead?

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING, IN THE PAST!<strong>

[_Keish appears, by the warp core, and makes herself look young again, somehow. B'Zooka Tourguide shows up, with her hair in its short Season 1 bob_.]

**B'Zooka:** Keish, why are you staring at the Warpcore glaze-eyed? Did you borrow Chevrolet's peace pipe again?

**Keish:** Why yes, as a matter of fact I did. I'd better go help The Doctor in Sickbay. Bye now. Oh, excuse me Ensign Salsa,

**Ensign Salsa:** [_Wearing her smiley face mask_] WHAT DEAL WITH THE KROUTONS?! I mean, excuse me.

**Keish: **Sorry, coming through, [_Pushes her way past Ensign Wildthing, and Crewman Scooter_]

**Ensign Wildthing:** Excuse _me_, Keish! Did you come here to tell me how _moody_ I've been moody again? [_Dipping a pickle in a cup of ice cream_]

**Crewman Scooter:** The voices won't stop until I KILLL, KILL KIIIILL! [_Throws a dagger as Keish pushes by, which she dodges._]

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY: <strong>

**Keish: **Computer, what season is this?

**Computer:** Season 1

**Keish:** Eeeeexcellent. [_Prances down the hall, singing_, _her voice getting fainter and fainter_] …._Be prepared for the coup of the century…be prepared for the murkiest scam! Meticulous planning, tenacity spanning, decades of denial, is simply while I'll…_[Turns the corner, as a few crewman stare at her] _be king undisputed, respected saluted, and SEEN for the WONDER I aaaam…._

* * *

><p><strong>KEISH'S GARDEN: <strong>

[_Seasn-1 Keish is planting her flowers, when future-Keish walks in_.]

**Young Keish: **_A dream is a wiiish your heart maaaakes, when you're faaast asleep…_ Who are you?!

**Future Keish:** You from the future. [_Levitates a potted plant into the air_.]

**Young Keish:** What are you doing with that?

**Future Kesih:** This. [_Knocks young Keish unconscious with it._]

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLE BAY: <strong>

**Keish:** Computer, plot a course to Oompa Loompa.

**Tim Parsnip:** Hey Keish! Wanna go for a ride? Just as a platonic hang-out type thing, if anyone asks, especially your boyfriend,

[_Keish however is gone_.]

* * *

><p><strong>MESS HALL: <strong>

**Cakemix:** [_Wagging his tail_] Keish, yousa lookin' down. Let mesa cheer you up, with a little song… [_His voice suddenly gets very deep, like Isaac Hayes._] _I'm_ _gonna make sweet love ta' ya Keish baby…!_

**Keish: **[_Smiles with effort_] Thanks Cakemix, that really helped. [_Gets some coffee and takes it to_...]

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY-FOR-A-STUPID-PUN ROOM: <strong>

[_Captain Myway and Chevrolet are looking at something on Myway's laptop, when Keish walks in with the coffee_.]

**Myway: **Look at that Chevrolet! We've been lost for a full six months, and that slime ball already went and sold my Irish Coffee Maker, for $5.00! He could've at least asked for ten!

**Chevrolet:** Serves you right for looking yourself up on E-Bay. [_Leaves_]

**Keish:** Hello Captain. I brought you some coffee.

**Myway:** Why, that was very sweet of you Keish! Thank you! [_Pulls a coffee mug out of her poofy bun, and lets Keish pour it_.]

**Keish:** You're welcome Captain. I do love sweet things. I hope the aliens in this sector are all sweet people.

**Myway:** Well most of them are, with the exception of these people. [_Shows Keish a photo on the laptop, of an alien ship. The ship has a picture of the U.S.S. Frogger crossed out_] They call themselves the Frogger Haters Club, or something. We'll just do our best to avoid them, no worries.

**Keish:** Iiiiiinteresting.

* * *

><p><strong>KEISH &amp; CAKEMIX'S QUARTERS:<strong>

[_Keish enters, and a message starts to play_]

**MESSAGE:** Hello, sweetie! This-sa Cakemix! Mesa working a double-shift in the kitchen tonight. But my replicated yousa favorite dish—well, mesa favorite—leola root pie!

**Keish:** Raaa!

[_She turns the table over. Then pulls it back up, and opens her laptop (pink, with hippie flowers). She attempts to contact someone using the video-screen, like one normally does in the Trek universe. However, she gets a message that says, "Private Channel Already in Use." _

**Keish: **What? Who…?

[_She presses some buttons, and two video images open up. One shows the leader of the Kroutons; the other shows Ensign Salsa, in her Star Freak uniform and smiley face disguise_.]

**Salsa:** What are you doing? We're using this channel!

**Kesih:** Excuse me. See, I'm an evil version of Keish from the future, and I was just trying to contact some hostile aliens, so I could betray the Frogger crew to their deaths.

**Salsa:** Oh no you don't bitch, I'M going to betray…Wait a minute! What if we teamed up, right now! THAT would be one KICK ASS episode—

**Keish:** And I'd have to share my guest-star episode with you. And the plot would no doubt get convoluted enough to warrant a two-part episode, so I'd have to wait that much longer for my revenge. Nope.

[_Keish turns off the video images, and_ _sends an I.M. message to the Frogger Hater's Club_.]

**Keish (I.M.):** Yo sup

**FHC (I.M.):** who r u

**Keish:** im aboard the usss frogr an i want 2 help u kill them

**FHC:** u would betray ur own series /?

**Keish:** theyr not my seres they abandond me a long time ago !1!

**FHC: **how can we kill this lam series?!

**Keish:** the same way u murder ANY great sci-fi story. make a prequel! only don't attack my past self an d me when we r flying away in a shuttle.

**FHC:** k thx by

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY: <strong>

[_Lt. Tuvacca is walking through the hall when he runs into…Naomi Wildthing?_]

**Tuvacca: **Who are you? There are no children aboard this vessel.

**Naomi Wildthing:** It's me Tuvacca, Naomi Wildthing.

[_Naomi skips down to the Mess Hall. Tuvacca follows her. There, he and finds her, along with all of the Bored children, talking to Cakemix!]_

**Cakemix:** Hello there children! How yousa doing?

**Bored Child:** BEEEEEEEP!

**Naomi:** [_Giggles_]

**Cakemix:** Mesa gonna wash your mouth out with soap if you boys don't clean up your language!

**Tuvacca:** What is this? There are no fowl-mouthed Bored children aboard Frogger!

**Cakemix:** No, there aren't. You okay Mr. Boredom? Yousa talkin' to think air.

[_Tuvacca blinks, and sees the children are gone. But he sees Naomi exiting the Mess Hall, and follows her into the Cargo Bay. There he sees the Bored kids asleep at Regeneration desks….along with Telephone Line_!]

**Tuvacca:** When did such sexiness appear on this ship?

[_Behind him, Lt. Jim Carrey speaks, making him jump_]

**Lt. Jim Carrey: **I hear ya dude, that is a SEXY wall! [_Staring, dewy-eyed_.]

[_Tuvacca looks again, and sees the wall is bare; no Telephone Line, no Boredletts. He leaves in a hurry, while Lt. Carrey throws himself at the wall_.]

**Lt. Carrey:** I don't mean to sound forward but…I picked these for you! [_Offers the wall a bouquet of flowers_.]

**SICKBAY: **

**Tuvacca:** It would seem that I am going crazy, Captain. Again.

**Myway: **What did you see this time, Tuvacca? [_Sips coffee, un-phased_]

**Tuvacca:** Things, so many things…children with Bored implants, and very fowl mouths….a little girl with horns like a Rhinoceros, calling herself Naomi Wildthing…a tall, voluptuous blonde in a catsuit, with Bored implants…..very, VERY large implants…

**Myway:** Mmm-hmm. Keish, you had any telepathic messages, or premonitions lately?

**Keish:** No, I have not had anything interesting happen with my powers, which aren't that great anyway, and maybe it'd be better if I'd _NEVER BEGUN EXPLORING THEM AT ALL!_

[_Myway, Tuvacca, and The Doctor stare at Keish_.]

**Myway:** Aaaaall right. The Doctor, is Ensign Wildthing pregnant?

[_Ensign Wildthing walks through the door, just as Myway asks this_]

**Ensign Spam Wilthing:** Okay fine, I've got a bun in the oven. So sue me. Hey, I have a husband, he's just back on Freak Space Nine is all.

**Myway:** Hmm, that's awfully suspicious, wouldn't you say Mr. Tuvacca. [_Strokes a phantom beard_.]

**Ensign Spam Wildthing: **Oh all right, so he's not exactly my husband, but we are engaged at least. We have these rings, [_Shows a blue mood-ring on her finger_.] We've been together since high school, when I was an exchange student on Rhino-5.

**Myway:** [_Smiles, genuinely_] You fell in love with a Rhinoceros Man! That's so romantic…

**BOOM!**

[_Myway is shaken out of her thoughts, and looks around in surprise_]

**Chevrolet (V.O.):** Bridge to Myway! Something terrible is happening…

**BRIDGE: **

**Myway: (V.O.)** What is it Commander?

[_Chevrolet stares at the view screen in terror. On the screen is a stage, with the UPN logo on the corner of the screen. On the stage are members of the Frogger Haters Club, dressed like Captain Myway, Chevrolet, Tuvacca, et al. They all speak with stiff wooden acting. Scott Bacula, of "Enterprise" steps forward_.]

**Scott Bacula:** I'll be your narrator for tonight. You see, twenty years before the series "Frogger" takes place, Captain Myway traveled to the Dipwad Quadrant. She had an adventure fighting the Banjo Man, and was helped by Cakemix, Telephone Line and a cute beagle, and they did it all with terrible acting.

**Chevrolet:** Someone's attacking our series with a god-awful prequel!

"**Captain Myway:"** All right everyone, it's time to de-contaminate! [Begins taking off her uniform in a strip-tease, while sexy music plays.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Good god, it's like if "The Phantom Menace" and "Lord of the G-Strings" had a baby!

**Keish: **[_Voice echoes throughout the ship_] AH-HAHAHAHAHAAAA! YOU'RE ALL REALLY FRAKED NOW!

* * *

><p><strong>KEISH'S GARDEN<strong>

[_Keish opens a drawer, where young Keish is lying, in a squashed position_.]

**Young Keish:** What did you have me locked up in there for?! I must've sung every Disney Princess song I know ten times over, waiting for someone to open that stupid drawer! [_Some spiders fall out, covering their ears_.]

**Myway:** Stop right there! One of you doesn't belong here, and I'm guessing it's you, with the evil grin and the flaming Omen eyes.

**Evil Keish:** Of course I don't belong here, I never did! Two seasons from now, you'll get a new popular character for your series, and she'll have to pay the price by being voted off the ship! After that it'll be three long years of hanging with annoying telepaths and a topsy-turvy romance with Q! THAT'S why I've decided to take my revenge, before you even commit those crimes, and rescue my past self from this bullcrap!

**Myway:** Oh Keish, I…_what?!_

**Young Kesih**: But where are you going to take me? Not back home to that desert wasteland Oompa Loompa?!

**Evil Keish:** No, no, perish the thought dear. I'm taking you to another realm of reality. A place where clichéd character types with bland personalities live in peace, and get the respect and worship we deserve! Where everyone is beautiful, and has magical superpowers. Where girls are never expected to have strength in any department except magical powers, and where there are plenty of older men to fight over you and watch over your every move, just like Cakemix used to.

**Myway:** You're taking her to the "Twilight" universe?

**Evil Keish:** [_Smiling_] That's my plan!

**Myway:** Uh-huh. Well, no. [_Phasers evil Keish_]

**Evil Keish:** NO! You found my weakness! [_Collapses_] Now I remember, THIS is why I was so pissed…I have the power to travel through time and blow up people's heads with my mind, but I'm still done in with a Star Freak standard phaser…I evolved to a higher plane of existence than anyone could imagine, but still got old after nine years….. [_Dies, and turns old again_.]

**Young Keish:** Yech! That's what I'll look like when I'm old?

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

**Fairly Dim**: Commander, how're we gonna stop this prequel? It's getting pretty bad.

"**Fairly Dim:" **Oh no, Captain. Earth is under attack by Species 12345, even though they shouldn't get discovered for another many years.

**Chevrolet:** I've got it! We'll kill the director and replace him with George Lucas. Lucas will promise all his fans he'll finish the project, but then say he's "getting too old" and it'll all be over!

**Tim Parsnip:** That's ridiculous. It's one of the best ideas I've ever heard!

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

[_Myway has a private conversation with Keish and Tuvacca_]

**Myway:** This stays between the three of us, until Season 6…

* * *

><p><strong>SEASON 6:<strong>

**Myway:** …a sarcastic hologram, a jolly cook, and a beautiful but brainy Bored woman. [_Sips coffee with satisfaction._]

[_Suddenly, a soft, familiar voice echoes throughout the bridge_]

_**What about the kind, gentle, otherworldly alien girl with mental powers beyond her own imagination? The most original and fascinating character of all? HAVE YOU ALL COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME?!**_

[_Everyone looks around, confused and surprised_.]

**Myway:** I'd almost forgotten. [_Hits smiley faced badge_] Bridge to Engineering! Everyone get out of there NOW! Especially you B'Zooka!

**ENGINEERING:**

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** You heard the woman! Out, everyone, go!

[_B'Zooka and Telephone Line shove everyone out of Engineering. They all move en mass out the door and around the corner. Ensign Forklift brings up the rear, with his pink Mohawk, with B'Zooka and Telephone behind him, shooing everyone out. As they move, Keish comes around the __**other**__ corner, and enters the empty Engineering room_.]

**B'Zooka **I'm not sure why Telephone, but for some odd reason I'm just super-grateful to be alive right now.

**Telephone Line:** I'm experiencing an equally odd sense of gratitude, that Frogger was there to liberate me from the Collective, and wasn't destroyed by a hostile prequel years before meeting me.

[_As Keish enters Engineering, a hologram of her younger self appears_.]

**Holo Keish:** Hello, Future Me. I want you to remember me—Past me. Past you. Which is me. Don't do this Keish, don't kill Frogger. They were your friends, and you aren't a killer. You're an ESP fairy princess with a heart of gold! Don't forget who you are.

**Keish:** No… [_Shakes head_] How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.

**Holo Keish:** Remember who you are! [_Clouds swirling around her_, _her eyes glowing_] Getting voted off Frogger was all just part of the Circle of Life! Leave this ship, and take your place in the Circle of Life! [_Fades away_.]

**Myway:** You forced me to kill you once Keish, and I've been getting death threats from your fans ever since. Please don't make me do it again.

**Keish:** No! I'll NEVER let it go—! [_Face suddenly brightens_] I remember who I am now! I'm not mad anymore!

**Myway:** I assume you're just messing with us, and that you're about to try killing us again.

**Keish:** No, honestly, I'm good. I'll just be getting back to my shuttle now. If you wanna maybe beam me there, or, or something,

**Myway:** That was a VERY fast change of heart, Keish.

**Cakemix:** Don't forget Captain, time is different for Keish than for you and me. If one year is a decade to her, then a five minute revelation could be more like five months.

**Myway:** Point. All right Keish, we'll say our goodbyes and beam you out of this series for good.

**Keish:** [Skips down the hall, singing softly] _With a smiiile and a soooong…._

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLE BAY: <strong>

**Cakemix:** Here Love, Mesa packed you some leola root potato chips for the journey, a case of leola root soda—low-fat—and some leola root sandwiches!

**Keish:** Oh thank you, Cakemix. [_Sniff_] Captain, can you ever forgive me for such evil acts?

**Myway:** [_Shrugs_] You turned evil for a while. It happens to all of us. More than once, usually.

[_Keish smiles as she's beamed back to her shuttle. She flies off, to her new home…_.]

* * *

><p><strong>FORKS, OREGON:<strong>

**Edward Cullen**: [_Gruff monotone_]Bella, I cannot describe in words how I wish I could stay by your side forever. But I must leave to have my hair done and my chest waxed, this time every Friday. All of the Cullen Men must. Good bye.

[_Bella Swan, Alice Cullen, Rosalie Cullen, and Esme Cullen sniff and wave handkerchiefs, as their men hop into a truck and drive off. A second later, there is a flash of light, and Keish appears_.]

**Keish: **Hello young people. I am an old lady now. But I love flowers, I have no interest in action or adventures, and I have super-special mind powers.

**Bella:** Oh my god. Like, I have super-special mind powers too. My boyfriend Edward can read everyone's thoughts, but when he tries to read my brain, he mysteriously gets nothing. It's so supernatural. Let's be friends.

**Alice Cullen:** BEST friends! I wanna know where you get those funky outfits Keish…!

[_Keish follows the "Twilight" girls in a romp through the woods. She is finally home_.]

**THE END**


	13. Repression

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Help, Help, I'm Bein' Repressed!"**

(Spoofing "Repression," Season 7)

**Summary:** _Warning! If you don't know that Tuvacca is the one who's attacking all the Mosquito crewmen, then this parody might contain spoilers!_

* * *

><p><strong>SCENE 1: A CREEPY BASEMENT<strong>

[_We open to an old leaky basement, adorned with posters of Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson, and Mel Gibson. A middle-aged Bajerken sits at a desk, surfing the web on his laptop. He wears the traditional Bajerken key-chain earring, but his key-chains aren't cute like most Bajerkans; from his earring dangles a tiny knife, a plastic pirate flag, and a mouse skull._]

**Crazy Bajerken: **Ho-_ho_! My plan is almost complete. Soon these suckers will all by my minions!

[_He's looking at the webpage of Star Freak's Most Wanted. On it are displayed photos of three Mosquito rebels, in their sexy rebel outfits; Chevrolet, B'Zooka Tourguide, and Tuvacca!_]

**Voice from Upstairs:** Oh Norbert dear, dinner's ready! I made pizza bagels!

**Crazy Bajerkan:** Oh! [_Quickly closes his laptop_] Coming Ma!

[_His mother pokes her head into the basement, from the staircase. She looks like him in drag_.]

**Mother:** Pumpkin, are you still working on that silly mind-control project for the Mosquitos? You know the war ended three or four years ago, I don't think there's much point in trying to revive the movement. Especially with a ship that's on the other side of the galaxy, where no one even knows—

**Crazy Bajerkan:** Aw Ma, you don't understand! This is complex stuff here… [_Runs upstairs_] Mmm, pizza bagels!

* * *

><p><strong>U.S.S. FROGGER, HOLODECK 1<strong>

[_Tim Parsnip and B'Zooka Tourguide walk into a 20__th__ century movie theater_]

**Tim Parsnip:** So here's how this works. We put on these 3-D glasses, and that will make the zombies and aliens pop right out of the screen for us! We're gonna start with "Plan 9 From Outer Space," and then make our way through all of the "Gozilla" movies! I know how much you and I both love to snark, so we should have a blast playing "Mystery Science Theater 3000" tonight! What do you say, sound like a good honeymoon?

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** I don't know….waste this big screen and 3D glasses on B-Movies? When we could watch the entire "Star Wars" saga on the big screen in 3D?!

**Tim Parsnip:** Okay, you have a point. Computer, play all six "Star Wars" movies, in chronological order!

[_They put on their glasses, and enjoy the opening battle scene. But then_…]

**Movie:** "Oy! Mesa Jar Jar Binks! Oh muy muy me looove you!"

**Tim:** Well, I guess we can have a few intermissions during these first three chapters….

[_He and B'Zokka begin to kiss and make out, while Jar Jar babbles on. Suddenly, they stop_.]

**Tim:** Who's that in the front row? We're supposed to be alone in this theater.

**B'Zooka:** That's Crewman Table! I fought alongside him in the Mosquitos! I don't see how anyone could sleep through "Star Wars," even the prequels. We'd better make sure he's okay.

[_They slowly approach Crewman Table, from the back. The Bajerkan crewman sits limply in his chair, silhouetted against the blaring movie screen. His drink is spilled under his seat, creating a large puddle of water around him. B'Zooka slowly turns his chair around. He stares up at them with wide eyes, his face frozen in an expression like "The Scream" painting. B'Zooka and Tim scream_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY:<strong>

**Captain Myway:** A crewman dead after the first commercial break. Amazing.

**The Doctor:** Actually Captain, he's not quite dead. He's just resting.

**Tuvacca:** As security chief, it is my duty to investigate this mystery. [_Opens his uniform jacket, pulls out a plaid Sherlock Holmes cap, and puts it on_.] It is the only chance I have of seeming interesting, apart from the episodes in which I go insane. [_Puffs a bubble-pipe_.] Which is certainly not the case, today. Tell me, is anyone on board close with Mr. Table?

**Chevrolet:** Yes. There's Crewman Door, she's very close with him. They're either in love, or else one of them is gay and they have a "Will and Grace" friendship going on; we've never been sure.

**Tuvacca:** I will have a word with her then. [_Taps his smiley face com. badge_] Crewman Door to sickbay.

[_There is no answer_.]

**Myway:** I'll admit, that's pretty suspicious. Computer, locate Crewman Door.

**Computer:** Crewman Door is in the Mess Hall.

* * *

><p><strong>MESS HALL:<strong>

[_Myway, Chevrolet, and Tuvacca enter the Mess Hall. The lights are off, but there is a flickering torch on one wall. Crewman Door hangs by her ankle from the torch, with a spilled cup of water underneath her. On the wall, in red paint, is written: __**THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED! MOSQUITO CREWMAN, BEWARE!**_]

**Tuvacca:** That handwriting looks disturbingly familiar…

**Myway:** I want Level 10 security! Tuvacca, find out who the attacker is! Chevrolet, round up your former Mosquito crewman, and fill them in—as fast as you can!

**Chevrolet:** Yes _Captain!_

[_Chevrolet zips out of the Mess Hall like Speedy Gonzales. He runs down the hallway, coming up behind B'Zooka Tourguide and a Vulcan woman we've never seen before. He grabs them both by the sleeves, and says "Come on!" pulling them alongside. They run down to the Men's Restroom. Chevrolet reaches in, and pulls out a distressed Crewman Tito (the Arab/Latino security guard)_.]

**Crewman Tito:** Hey I wasn't finished yet!

[_Ignoring him, Chevrolet then reaches into the Women's Room and pulls out….Crewman Chip? With a camera?_]

**Crewman Chip [**_**Blue guy**_**]:** Um, this isn't what it looks like Commander!

[_Chevrolet pulls them all along_ _to the Holodeck. He runs into a high fantasy program, where some crewmen are role-playing a battle against goblins. He grabs Lt. Hulk Hogan (dressed like a knight) and a couple of Bajerkan women (dressed like elven archers) and brings them out into the hall with the others. He combs the entire ship, finding all the Mosquito crewmen aboard, until they all finally circle back to the Mess Hall._]

* * *

><p><strong>MESS HALL: <strong>

**B'Zooka:** This meeting is for Mosquitoes only, no Star Freaks allowed! Here's the scoop: someone on board is attacking former Mosquito crewman, and—

[_She stops, as Lt. Jim Carrey is leaning in through the doorway, eavesdropping obnoxiously. B'Zooka goes up to the door and presses some buttons, causing it to close on Carrey's face. He admits defeat and leaves_.]

**B'Zooka:** Someone's attacking Mosquitoes and petrifying them, somehow.

**Chevrolet:** Until the attacker is caught, I don't want anyone to go outside their quarters without a partner! Any questions?

**Crewman Chip: **[_Raises hand, then points to the Vulcan female_] Where was that Vulcan lady back in Season 3, when Ensign Forklift went into _Pon Farr_ and needed someone to mate with?

**Vulcan Woman:** In my quarters, celebrating my own _Pon Farr_ with my girlfriend.

**Chip:** Oh.

**Chevrolet: **Anything else?

**Guy Who Looks Like The Doctor But Isn't: **Where's Crewman Yoyo?

[_Everyone looks around, distressed_.]

**Chevrolet**: Oh crap.

* * *

><p><strong>GEOFFREY'S TUBE<strong>

[_Crewman Yoyo is climbing through the tube, looking desperately for something. Finally, he finds it. Shockingly, he was searching for a yoyo_.]

**Crewman Yoyo:** There you are!

[_He plays with his yoyo a bit, then stops. He is hearing music… "Jaws" music. A sinister, silhouetted figure approaches him, as the music gets louder and louder. Yoyo backs away as slowly as possible, and does not call security, of course. Finally he gives up, and blocks his face with his hands, letting out a distressed "Gyaaa!"_]

* * *

><p><strong>THE BEEN-READY-FOR-AN-HOUR ROOM:<strong>

**Tuvacca: **[_Dressed completely like Sherlock Holmes_.]I read your mail, Ensign Dim. In one letter from Earth, your cousin, Extremely Dim, mentions that you had a friend who was bitten by a Mosquito. [_Puffs bubble pipe, staring at Dim_.]

**Fairly Dim:** He was talking about the insect, Sherlock. Come on Tuvacca, don't you think you'd know by now if the Mosquitoes had caused me any significant personal grief? Why aren't you interviewing someone like Lt. Carry, who lost the position of Chief Engineer to B'Zooka? Or….I dunno, someone with an actual _past_ with the Mosquitoes?

**Tuvacca:** No. The attacker is a main character. I cannot explain why I feel this way…perhaps I am finally experiencing a "hunch."

[_Suddenly, Tuvacca has a flashback, of himself sneaking up on Crewman Yoyo in the Geoffrey's Tube. Yoyo covering his face, and going "Gyaaa!"_]

**Fairly Dim: **Tuvacca? You okay? You're not going crazy again, are you?

**Tuvacca:** It wasn't me!

[_Fairly Dim slowly backs out of the room, while Tuvacca paces around the room, smoking his bubble pipe_.]

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY:<strong>

[_Chevrolet and the Vulcan woman—who I now dub T'Penny—run into Crewman Chip, in front of the Women's Restroom_.]

**Chevrolet:** Chip, where's your partner?

**Crewman Chip:** B'Zooka had to use the loo, and she said if I set another foot in the Lady's Room, she'd, um, "Drop-kick" my "blue ass back to the Airhead Quadrant."

**Chevrolet: **Guess it would've made sense for me to partner up people of the same gender, with at least somewhat compatible personalities, so this sort of thing wouldn't happen. Odd that a reasonably smart guy like me would make a mistake like that.

**T'Penny:** Indeed. It's almost as if some outside force were causing you to become momentarily stupid, to force the plot along. But it's usually Lt. Tuvacca whom that sort of thing happens to.

**Chevrolet:** I'll step into the Lady's Room, just to make sure B'Zooka's okay.

**T'Penny:** Shall we accompany you, Commander, just for safety purposes?

**Chevrolet:** No, that would make far too much sense. Just wait out here.

[_Chevrolet steps into the Women's Room. The lights are off, and he doesn't bother to turn them on. B'Zooka is slumped over the sink, petrified with a very angry expression on her face_.]

**Chevrolet:** Good god, this attacker managed to overpower B'Zooka? This is serious! Maybe I should've brought my partner after all.

**Tuvacca:** Indeed, Commander. [_Locks the bathroom door_.]

**Chevroelt:** Tuvacca? Why did you lock the door? And why are your eyes glowing red, all demon-like? [_Thunk_!] And what did you knock my phaser out of my hand for? …Why are you grabbing my head, and pulling me against you? OH GOD… [_Hits smiley com. badge_] Security to the Women's Room! I-I need an adult!

**Lt. Tito:** [V.O.] Commander! I assume you're with the attacker. Who is it? Tell us, quick!

**Chevrolet:** [_Struggling against Tuvacca_] Huh? Oh, right! Tell you who the attacker is! So you'll know! Who he is! I should tell you his name, in other words. Well, this is crazy. You're not gonna believe this. But it's….!

[_Tuvacca shuts him up, by beginning a mind-meld_.]

**Tuvacca:** My mind to your mind! From this moment forth, you shall be petrified, until such time as you wake up, and fulfill our plan…

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY<strong>

**The Doctor: **I'm running out of beds here.

**Tim Parsnip:** Whoever did this to B'Zooka will have my Captain Proton blaster to answer to, once we catch them!

**Tuvacca:** No! I didn't mean it! I mean, it wasn't me—that is—What attacks?! [_Runs from Sickbay_.]

**TUVACCA'S QUARTERS:**

[_Tuvacca stands before his mirror, having flashbacks of the attacks he committed…_]

_**HOLODECK THEATER:**_

_[Crewman Table sips his soda excitedly, watching the opening scroll of "Star Wars." Tuvacca suddenly pops up from the seats behind him and grabs his head.]_

_**Crewman Table: **__Dude! What the—?_

_**Tuvacca:**__ My mind to your mind…._

_**MESS HALL: **_

_[Crewman Door hangs by her ankle from the torch, while a crazed Tuvacca paints "The Chamber of Secrets" message on the wall.]_

_**Crewman Door:**__ Commander, why am I dangling from this torch? And what's with the Chamber of Secrets graffiti? [Excitedly] Is Cakemix organizing a "Harry Potter" convention in here? _

_**Tuvacca:**__ [Grabs her head] My mind to your mind…_

_**WOMEN'S ROOM: **_

_[B'Zooka smashes a toilet lid over Tuvacca's head in self-defense, as he begins to mind-meld her…]_

**THE PRESENT: **

**Tuvacca:** [_Finds a bump on his head_] B'Zooka…! [_Lifts his shirt, finds a bruise on his side, and remembers being hit there with a yoyo_] Crewman Yoyo! [_Turns, and in the mirror, sees a chalk letter "M" on his back!_] Reference to an underrated noir classic that no one reading this spoof has seen! What is happening to me?!

[_He looks back up, and sees Guess Who in the mirror_.]

**Crazy Bajerkan:** [_Eating a pizza bagel_] Yo! [_Waves_]

[_Tuvacca stares, wide eyed, then runs_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**The Doctor:** Captain, I don't know how, but all the Mosquitoes are waking up!

**Crewman Table:** [_Yawn_] What happened?

**The Doctor:** You were petrified by an unidentified attacker, who's targeting former Mosquitoes.

**Crewman Table:** No, I mean what happened in the movie, after Kwai Gon and Obi-Wan escaped from the battle droids? I didn't get to finish watching!

**Captain Myway: **Do any of you remember what happened when you were attacked?

**Chevrolet:** No. I remember walking into the Women's Room, and now I'm here.

**B'Zooka:** I remember being really pissed off.

[_Tuvacca bursts into Sickbay, wild-eyed_]

**Tuvacca:** It was me! I did it! I am the attacker! The mystery crook who I was working so hard to catch was myself, all along! Lock me up in the Box, Captain, I'm a safety hazard to this crew! I am a dangerous lunatic! [_Laughs manically_]

[_Hollywood director M. Night Shamalan pops his head in the doorwa_y.]

**M. Night Shamalan:** What a twist!

* * *

><p><strong>THE BOX:<strong>

[_The Box, which serves as the Brig, is a wooden box with three walls; the fourth wall is a force-field. Captain Myway talks to Tuvacca, who sits in the Box behind that force-field_.]

**Captain Myway:** Tuvacca, did anything unusual happen to you, the day that Crewman Table was first attacked?

**Tuvacca:** I received an Email from Earth, from my son Dreck. He informed me that I am now a grandfather, which made me a bit displeased, as he is still in high school. But there was an attachment to his email, labeled "Chamber of Secrets."

**Myway:** Aaaaand you opened it. [_Rubbing her forehead_.]

**Tuvacca:** I…had to inspect it for computer viruses.

* * *

><p><strong>ASS-TROMETRICS: <strong>

[_Myway, Chevrolet, and Telephone Line look up at the screen, where Tuvacca's video e-mail is displayed_.]

**Telephone Line:** [_Leopard-spotted catsuit_] The Doctor and I have constructed these eye-shields, to protect all of us from the mind-control virus this email likely contains.

[_She passes around black sunglasses, which they all put on. Then she opens the email_._ Tuvacca's son Dreck comes on the screen. Dreck looks like a typical 15-year-old, dressed like a rapper, with a serious Vulcan demeanor._]

**Dreck:** Yo, father. Whaddap. I am at once embarrassed and please to inform you that you will be a grandfather. I experienced my first _Pon Farr_ during the week of Homecoming, and I attended an after-bash party in which alcohol was served. I'm not particularly close with the mother, but we are on good terms. She is from a planet called Wi'Sconsin, where it is customary to begin families by becoming intoxicated and mating with people who you barely know. It's going to be a girl, and we've decided on the name T'Mindy, after your mother…

[_The video flickers to static, and suddenly, the crazy Bajerkan appears! He stares ahead intently, waving a yoyo hypnotically._]

**Crazy Bajerkan: **_Tuvacca! You will perform mind-melds on all of the Mosquitoes onboard, petrifying them temporarily! When they all wake up, you will announce the password to them! And you will remember none of this afterwards! _

[_The video goes to static again, and then returns to Dreck._]

**Dreck:** —cow tipping, wherein the animals are pushed onto their sides, causing an amusing amount of irritation to the farmer the following morning. And another curious tradition of the Wi'Sconinites is the Wi'Sconsin Cheese Festival—

**Telephone Line:** [_Turns off the video_] Do any of you recognize that Bajerkan wack?

**Chevrolet: **Yes, I know that clown. He's named Cheerio Norbert. He was a mad scientist who worked with the Mosquitoes for a time, but we fired him. You see, the goal of the Mosquito movement was to rebel against dull technobable-based sci-fi, by becoming rugged, butt-kicking antiheroes. But this man thought we should just be outright villains, who used mind control to recruit members. He thought we should be _evil_, whereas the rest of us only wanted to be kind of _bad_. If memory serves, he's also a 40-something-year-old-virgin who lives in his mother's basement.

* * *

><p><strong>THE BOX: <strong>

**Tuvacca:** ….Yes, Captain, I do recall a Crazy Bajerken named Cheerio Norbert! While I was spying on the Mosquitoes, he somehow captured me, and hypnotized me!

**Crazy Bajerkan:** [_Appears next to Tuvacca_] Tuvacca, say the password!

**Tuvacca:** Captain, I see him! The crazed Bajerkan! He is talking to me!

**Myway:** Ignore him Tuvacca! Focus on MY voice! I'm your old, trusted friend! He's nothing but a plot device who came out of nowhere!

**Crazy Bajerkan: **She's the one who got you lost in the Dipwad Quadrant! Listen to ME!

**Myway: **Tuvacca, you're my security chief! The crew is depending on you! Stay focused!

[_Tuvacca looks between Myway and the Bajerkan, painfully_]

**Crazy Bajerkan:** Remember, she's the one who let Cakemix aboard the ship!

[_A hallucination of Cakemix appears next to him, waving obnoxiously and wagging his tail._]

**Tuvacca: **That does it! [_Hits com. badge_] Tuvacca to Chevrolet: _La Resistance! _

**ASS-TROMETRICS:**

**Chevrolet: **Wha-? [_Expression changes_] Oh! Riiiight.

[_He marches out of the room, while Telephone Line stares_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY:<strong>

[_Chevrolet enters Sickbay_]

**Tim Parsnip:** Hi there!

**Chevrolet:** [_Stuns Tim_] Computer, deactivate Emergency Regular Character. [_The shocked Doctor vanishes._] Everyone, _La Resistance! _

[_B'Zooka, Table, Door, and all the other Mosquitoes follow him out the door, leaving Fairly Dim standing over Tim Parsnip's unconscious body. Dim looks from Tim to the exiting Mosquitoes, slowly realizing that all of this is bad_.]

**Fairly Dim:** Hey…!

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

[_All the Mosquitoes are in control, wearing their rebel outfits; torn jeans, sweaters with rolled-up sleeves, sexy boots, and cowboy vests._]

**B'Zooka:** Swell! We've taken the ship, and now we can maroon all of those Star Freaks down to an alien planet!

[_In the background, Chip, T'Penny, and Tito heard all the Star Freak crewmen out the door, to the Transporter Room; the Star Freaks have their hands tied behind them, while the Mosquitoes herding them out brandish pirate swords_.]

**Crewman Door:** What about the children on board? Are we marooning them too?

**Naomi Wildthing:** Um, don't hurt us, we'll join you!

**Boredlett Stan:** Yeah! Vive la Resistance! [_Strikes fist in the air_]

**Ensign Spam Wildthing:** [_Being herded out the door_] Naomi, if you join these outlaws you are _grounded_!

* * *

><p><strong>THE BOX: <strong>

**Myway: **Now _I'm_ in the box?

**Chevrolet:** Yup! [_Swaggering around, in his rugged rebel outfit, his hair in messy bangs_] Frogger is now a Mosquito ship. No more Star Freak protocols! What we'll do with this ship, I haven't yet figured out, seeing as the war's long over, and we're thousands of light-years from it anyway,

**Myway:** I guess Cheerio wasn't a big-picture kind of guy.

**Chevrolet:** Shut up! In fact, [_Tosses Tuvacca his phaser_] Kill her! Prove your loyalty to me!

**Myway:** No! Tuvacca, it's me, your friend Kathryn Myway!

[_Tuvacca hesitates, then attempts to shoot Myway. However, no laser beam comes out of the phaser. Instead, a tiny rubber plunger shots out, sticking to Myway's nose_.]

**Tuvacca:** This phaser is defective, Commander.

**Chevrolet: **All right. So much for that then. [_Opens his vest, and takes out a bottle of alcohol and some glasses._] In that case Tuvacca, why don't we toast to our victory.

**Tuvacca:** I would not recommend that, Commander. If memory serves, yours is not a very high alcohol tolerance.

**Chevrolet:** A tiny shot won't hurt me. …To the Mosquito Movement!

[_Chevrolet takes the tiniest of sips. As he does, Tuvacca comes up behind him, preparing the Vulcan neck pinch. However, he doesn't need to; the second Chevrolet swallows his sip, he hiccups and passes out onto the floor. Tuvacca begins a second mind-melt, while Myway looks on, un-surprised._]

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

**B'Zooka:** Are all the Star Freaks beamed down to that planet yet?

**Naomi Wildthing:** [_Dressed in rebel clothes that are too big for her, and brandishing a gun that's almost bigger than she is._] Almost Lt., but Parsnip and Dim are putting up a fight!

[_Tim and Fairly are ducking behind a consol, shooting their Captain Proton blasters_.]

**B'Zooka:** [_Shooting back_] Stand down, Federation Pig-dogs!

**Tim:** But I'm your husband!

**B'Zooka:** Ha! I fart in your general direction, you son-of-a-window-dresser!

**Chevrolet: (V.O.)** Chevrolet to the entire crew: The Mutiny's on hold, everyone. Everyone please report to the Ready Room for a routine mind-meld with Tuvacca, just to test your loyalty.

* * *

><p><strong>IN THE READY-WHEN-I-FEEL-LIKE-IT ROOM:<strong>

[_The Mosquitos stand in line, while Tuvacca mind-melds them one by one, freeing them of Cheerio's mind control. Meanwhile, Chevrolet speaks with the Captain_.]

**Chevrolet:** Captain, you can't blame me for mutinying _this_ time, because I was a victim of mind control.

**Myway:** [_Pulls the plunger off her nose_] I suppose your right.

**Chevrolet:** I'll be giving you your ship back now.

**Myway:** [_Nods_] Good.

**Chevrolet:** When we report this to Star Freak command, I'll personally tell them what I've done, and why, so they understand that my crew and I are still loyal to the Federation.

**Myway:** [_Smiles_] Excellent!

**Chevrolet:** Henceforth, I'm your most loyal officer.

**Myway:** [S_ternly_] Yes.

**Chevrolet:** And I'll go change back into my un-sexy Star Freak uniform, and comb these messy backs back into place.

**Myway:** [_Disappointed_] Now, now let's not be in _too_ much of a haste…

* * *

><p><strong>HOLODECK<strong>

[_Everyone is in the theater, wearing 3-D glasses, watching the "Star Wars" marathon_.]

**Myway:** Tuvacca, there's still one thing I don't understand.

**Tuvacca:** _One_ thing?

**Myway:** How did you know that the phaser Chevrolet gave you to kill me was dysfunctional?

**Tuvacca:** …

**Myway:** [_Scowls at him_] Tuvacca!

**Tuvacca: **You let Cakemix aboard this ship! And besides, I was going crazy again. You can't expect me to think strait under such circumstances.

[_Myway gives him a look, then returns her attention to the movie. The asteroid-belt scene is starting_…]

* * *

><p><strong>BACK IN THE AIRHEAD QUADRANT, IN THE LEAKY BASEMENT:<strong>

[_Cheerio Norbert is watching the news update on his laptop_]

**News Caster**: …but fortunately, Lt. Tuvacca overcame the mind-control and re-melded all of the crewmen he attacked, returning everything to normal. And now on to Sports…!

**Cheerio:** Dammit!

**Voice: **What did I tell you pumpkin! Wasn't worth it. Could've spent that time outside, talking to girls.

**Cheerio:** Stuff it, Ma!

**THE END!**

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Credit is due to the Nickelodeon series "All That." The montage where Commander Chevrolet rounds up the Mosquitoes on the ship is borrowed from the first episode of the "New Cast" seasons of "All That," where a character must run through the city grabbing random kids for the cast.**

**Apologies for all the references in this episode; but with such an unoriginal plot, it was unavoidable. **


	14. The Raven

**A/N: After this episode, I'll do some more classic ones, like "Dark Frontier," "Future's End," "Equinox," etc. And I now have all seven seasons on Netflicks, which means that I can also, finally, re-watch and then spoof the notorious "Threshold..."**

* * *

><p><strong>SPOOF TREK: FROGGER<strong>

"**The Chicken Hawk"**

(Spoofing "The Raven," Season 4)

**Summary:** _It's Telephone Line's turn to go crazy, when a Bored beacon draws her to her parents' crashed ship._

* * *

><p><strong>HOLODECK: DaVinci's Study <strong>

**Captain Myway: **Sculpting with clay is a great way to explore your subconscious, Telephone. I find it very relaxing. [_The table is filled with sculptures of coffee mugs, coffee pots, and a leprechaun dancing a jig holding a coffee mug_.] Telephone?

**Telephone Line: **[_checkered catsuit_] I fail to see the practicality of sculpting fake coffee mugs, made from fake clay, made from holographic photons. It… [_Gets distracted, staring at DaVinci's flying machine, hanging in the corner_.]

**Myway:** Oh, that's DaVinci's failed flying machine. He's always complaining about how it won't lift him off the ground. Of course I'm too polite to point out that the problem might more be him, and that he should cut down on the tea and biscuits—something wrong Telephone?

[_Telephone Line is having a flashback_]

_**Bored Drones:**__ We are the Bored. Fun and excitement are irrelevant. You will be assimilated. _

_**Large Bird:**__ Caw, caw! [Flies at Telephone, getting tangled in her hair] _

**Telephone Line:** Shut up! Get out of my hair you interior animal!

**Myway:** A simple "Please leave me alone" would be—

**Telephone Line:** Not you, Captain. I was experiencing a flashback.

**Myway: **A flashback! Telephone, do you realize what this means? This could be the start to your very own back-story episode! An important step in your journey to becoming human!

**Telephone Line:** Perhaps. Nevertheless, I will report to Sickbay.

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY:<strong>

**The Doctor: **Nothing's physically wrong with you. It's probably just trauma from a horrific past. Nothing I don't deal with three times a week on this ship. I recommend that you report to the mess hall and learn how to eat. I realize you have a figure to maintain, but you won't look as hot when you're on the floor passed out from malnourishment.

**Telephone Line:** [_Tidied catsuit_] Very well. But nutritional foods only. I must maintain this figure so as to keep my selection of colorful catsuits; if I gain weight and become "average" looking, I fear I'll be forced into one of those dull Star Freak uniforms like everyone else.

* * *

><p><strong>MESS HALL: <strong>

**Cakemix:** Mesa put together a dish of vegetables, and some tasty junk food just to spice it up! The food's a bit old, so that's why it's moving around a little funny-like.

[_In fact, the foods in his bowl isn't just moving, they're having a conversat_ion.]

**Tomato:** Shake, stop being so mean to Meatwad! The Bible says that you're supposed to _love_ your neighbor!

**Frylock:** See Bob, I told you my roommates were worse than your cucumber friend.

**Telephone Line:** [_Raises and eyebrow_] Peculiar. But I will try. [_She picks up a squirming asparagus_] I am…unaccustomed to this.

**Cakemix:** Well, first put it in yousa mouth.

**Jr. Asparagus:** No…no…NOOOOOO…

**Cakemix:** Aaaand chew, with your teeth! …And wash it down with some milkshake

**Master Shake:** That's right baby, keep sucking my straw, just like that.

**Cakemix:** Well? What do you think? [_Wagging his tail_]

**Telephone Line:** It is delicious. [_A new Bored implant suddenly erupts on her hand_!] Too delicious. You will be assimilated! [_Knocks Cakemix to the ground, and marches out_.]

* * *

><p><strong>READY-FOR-THE-SEQUEL ROOM: <strong>

[_Captain Myway is meeting with two representatives of the Bomar, a race of turtle-faced people dressed like kinky plumbers, with weird cage-things over their heads_.]

**Snooty British Bomar: **Nyeees, I am familiar with you Humans. My great-great-grandfather was of your race; he served as an Imperial Commander under Darth Vader. We have agreed to allow you to travel through our space, provided you follow this course.

[_The other Bomar smugly brings up the course on the little wall screen. It looks like something out of "Family Circus."_]

**Captain Myway: **You know, if you really didn't want us traveling through your space, you could simply say "no," rather than waste _both_ our ships' time with this passive-aggressive—

**Chevrolet [V.O.]:** Chevrolet to Myway. Someone forgot to leash the drone. She's going berserk. But don't worry, [_laughs ironically_] Tuvacca's on the case!

**Myway:** Oh goody, the Vulcan who lets unauthorized shuttle launches slip through his fingers like tadpoles. We're saved.

**Snooty Bomar:** You have a Bored drone aboard your ship?

**Myway:** Oh I'm sorry, I forgot to mention. Here on this ship, someone goes crazy or gets possessed every few weeks or so. It's really nothing serious, we deal with it all the time.

**Other Bomar:** Talk to the hoof! We'll deal with Bored in our territory our _own_ way!

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY: <strong>

[_Telephone Line bumps into a forcefield, but then walks right through it. Two security crewman try to shoot her several times with phaser rifles, but that has no effect. She walks right past them. They stare down at their guns, curiously. Then they shoot each other, just to see if their guns work. Both crewman drop dead_.]

**BRIDGE: **

**Myway: **So Tuvacca, any luck containing the insubordinate this time?

_**CRASH!**_

[_Myway and Tuvacca glance out a window, to see Telephone in a shuttle, flying away from a smoking hole in the wall_.]

**Tuvacca:** …Your punishment, Captain?

**Myway:** Half an hour time out. Report to the Box.

* * *

><p><strong>TELEPHONE LINE'S CARGO BAY: <strong>

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Well Fairly, it was probably for the best. None of your crushes ever result in any good anyway.

**Fairly Dim:** Actually, I think I've found some clues in Telephone's diary!

**Myway:** Let's hear it, Ensign!

**Telephone's Diary:** _Dear Diary: you will be assimilated….Ship Babe's long, Stardate 4567: Lt. Parsnip has introduced me to a program titled "Spongebob Squarepants," to which I am attempting to apply logic. Perhaps the reason that the crab's offspring is a whale is because his wife was a whale, and the mother's genes were more dominant….Stardate 6892: I have concluded that Lt. Parsnip and Commander Chevrolet are most definitely gay…._

**Fairly Dim:** Pretty normal so far. But her more recent entries suggest a mental breakdown.

**Telephone's Diary:** _Telephone Line's Journal, October the 24__th__._ _Dead crewman in the Geoffrey's Tube today. Tire tread on burst phaser. This starship is afraid of me. I've seen its true face. The Geoffrey's tubes are extended gutters, and the gutters are full of plot holes, and when the drains finally scab over, all these silly characters aboard will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and coffee will foam up about their waists, and all the Mosquito crooks and Star Freak dweebs will look up and shout "Save us!" and I'll look down and whisper…"No!"_

_I also had that dream again last night. The one where I am being chased by the Bored, and for some reason they frighten me. And that bird was there. Big, fluffy, brown and white bird, with a tiny beak, scratching at me. It looks at me as if I should know it. _

**Fairly Dim:** Sounds like an eagle or something.

**Myway:** Or….a chicken hawk!

[_Dramatic music plays, as the camera zooms in on Myway's face, closer, and closer…until_…]

**Myway: [V.O.]** Ow! It's in my _nose_!

**Fairly Dim:** B'Zooka help us out here! The camera's stuck in the Captain's schnoz.

**Myway:** Get it OUT! …

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLE CRAFT:<strong>

[_Tim Parsnip is at the helm, with Tuvacca by his side_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Now Commander, I can understand why I'm here, since I'm the best pilot. But of all people to try talking sense into Telephone Line, why are _you_ coming? You'd think the Captain would go herself, if not because she's the closest to Telephone Line, then because she personally took Telephone under her wing herself? And if not her, than you'd think it'd be some other a close friend, like The Doctor or Fairly Dim.

**Tuvacca:** I am the chief of security. Her safety is therefore my responsibility.

**Tim:** Ah, okay, makes sense. Wait, if this is a security issue rather than an emotional one, then why didn't we bring a team of security officers to back us up?

**Tuvacca:** …

**Tim Parsnip:** Or at least a really, really big gun?

[_Tuvacca grabs Tim by the shirt, and whispers in a hoarse voice_]

**Tuvacca:** Listen, kid. There IS a Vulcan Death Grip. I've KILLED a pilot with the Vulcan Death Grip! Now you are gonna shut up, and drive. And furthermore, you'll say nothing of this emotional outburst when we return to Frogger. Got it?

[_Tim nods, bug-eyed, and Tuvacca releases him_.]

**Tuvacca:** At ease, lieutenant.

**Tim Parsnip:** …We've caught up to Telephone Line's shuttle. Hey, um, it looks like I can't beam her back here. Maybe one of us should go over to her shuttle instead.

**Tuvacca:** Beam me up, Parsnip.

* * *

><p><strong>TELEPHONE LINE'S SHUTTLE:<strong>

**Tuvacca:** What are you doing, Telephone Line?

**Telephone Line:** I am following a Bored signature, coming from this planet. It's a beacon, to call wayward drones back to the collective. When I arrive, you will be assimilated along with me. [_Her face changes_.] No, I will not assimilate you Tuvacca. You are boring enough as it is. You will return to Captain Myway, and tell her I am grateful for all she has done for me.

**Tuvacca:** Perhaps you should face the window while you are driving.

_**CRASH!**_

[_They've crashed on a mountainous planet. They both climb out of the shuttle. Not far away is a small starship, perched on a mountain, half covered in ivy and alien Billy goats. The ship is shaped like a chicken hawk._]

**Telephone Line: **I know this vessel!

* * *

><p><strong>INSIDE THE CHICKEN HAWK:<strong>

**Telephone Line: **We lived here, me and my parents. My parents were scientists, doing important work. This was the TV wall, where I watched my ancestor's Muppet shows….my favorite was Elmo, because he was red. …There were six candles on the cake, and one to grow on…And then the men came.

_**FLASHBACK: **_

_**Bored Drones:**__ We are the bored. Fun and excitement are irrelevant. _

_[One drone sticks his assimilation straws into the TV; the channel switches from "Sesame Street" to a golf tournament.]_

_**Drone:**__ [Assimilating the cake] Sugar, egg, cheap batter, processed frosting; an inferior form of culinary work. _

**Telephone Line:** I hid in this cupboard. [_Opens a cupboard, and a six-legged, three-horned alien Billy goat trots out._]

**Tuvacca:** And here is the refrigerator, covered in magnets. [_Muppet and Sesame-Street themed magnets cover the 'fridge._] Could these magnets be what are disrupting your metal implants?

**Telephone Line:** Yes, possibly… [_Sitting in the cupboard in a fetal positio_n]

_**BOOOM! **_

**Telephone Line:** What is that? Why is the ship shaking?

**Tuvacca:** A Paradox of Universal Proportions! The author of this parody in which we exist is having difficulty translating such a gut-wrenching scene into something funny. This is a rare instance, which occurs when the author attempts to spoof an episode that is either already a comedy, or is so serious that there's just nothing funny to be said about it. Yours is a particularly tragic back-story, Telephone Line. I should have anticipated this could happen.

**Telephone Line:** I don't understand.

**Tuvacca:** [_Bug-eyed_] THIS SHIP'S GONNA BLOW! RUN, BITCH!

[_Tuvacca and Telephone Line run out of the Chicken Hawk, followed by a stampede of alien mountain goats, as the ship caves in on itself and explodes_.]

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE:<strong>

**Fairly Dim: **Tuvacca and Telephone have been beamed back to Frogger!

**Myway:** Good! Wait, what about Tim? [_Looks, and jumps, seeing Tim Parsnip back in place at the helm_.] How…? Whatever. Tim, I think we've overstayed our welcome on Bomar space.

**Tim Parsnip:** So you want me to just take us around it? Even though it'll add months to our journey?

**Myway:** Unless you know of an alternative.

[_Myway looks at Tim. Tim looks at the captain. She raises an eyebrow. He squints, trying to find what she's implying. She cocks her head, raising both eyebrows. Tim gives a long, understanding look…_

_Cut to a shot of outer space, with an armada of Bomar ships floating peacefully in space. The U.S.S Frogger suddenly comes tearing through, sending them all flying in different directions. Frogger zips thorough Bomar space, finally screeching to a flaming halt on the other side_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** BOWLING FOR BOMAAAAAR!

**Myway:** [_Laughing_] Gets 'em every time!

* * *

><p><strong>HOLODECK, DaVinci's Study <strong>

**Captain Myway:** It's good to have you back, Telephone. And I'm glad you're exploring your emotions, by playing with clay like I suggested.

**Telephone Line:** I am grateful as well. [_Finishes a sculpture of Gonzo, and places it next to her other finished works of Miss Piggy, Kermit, Elmo and Cookie Monster_.]

**THE END**


	15. Threshold

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Ludicrous Speed" **

(Spoofing "Threshold," Season 2)

**Summary: **_We now present the worst episode of "Spoof Trek: Frogger" ever made._

* * *

><p><strong>SCENE 1: CAPTAIN MYWAY'S QUARTERS….SEASON 7<strong>

[_Captain Myway_ _sits in her bubble bath, reading an Irish history book. The door chimes. The captain groans, puts on a robe and answers the door._]

**Captain Myway:** Who at this hour…

[_She answers the door. Telephone Line (in a gold catsuit), Naomi Wildthing, and the four Bored boys stand there, with grim expressions_.]

**Captain Myway:** Is something the matter?

**Telephone Line:** I apologize for interrupting you this late at night, Captain. But this matter could not wait. Earlier tonight, Naomi and the Bored children were viewing the ship's logs from the earliest seasons, and made a curious discovery. It seems you have been keeping secrets from us, Captain. You and the entire crew.

**Captain Myway:** [_Worried_] What, uh, what season were these log entries from, exactly?

**Naomi Wildthing:** Season 2. [_Myway gives a pained expression_.] You see, I was staying up late, working on an essay for The Doctor that I'd procrastinated on. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny offered to help me cheat by hacking into Frogger's database files, or something like that. And they found….

**Boredlett Kenny:** Muff muffle muff muffen muffle muff.

**Boredlett Stan: **Lt. Parsnip broke the Warp 10 barrier! That could've gotten this ship back to Earth in a matter of seconds, but for some reason, you didn't use it.

**Boredlett Kyle:** I tried to open the file to read what exactly happened, but it had all been deleted. Only the thumbnail that read "Warp 10 Incident" was there, with a brief summary.

**Telephone Line: **What does it mean, Captain? Why would such an excellent discovery as Warp 10 be erased from logs, kept secret, and never mentioned again for five years?

**Captain Myway:** [_Sadly_] How I hoped you'd never find out. But you're members of my crew, and you have the right to know. Come in. I'll tell you.

[_Telephone Line and the kids sit on the sofa, while Myway paces around the room, drinking coffee_.]

**Myway:** What I'm about to tell you _stays in_ _this room. _[_Pause_] It was Season 2. This season had some of our greatest episodes, but also most of our worst. You see, Season 1 had introduced all of our characters and aliens, and now in Season 2, our writers wanted to do something with them. Some of their ideas were great. You for instance, Naomi. There were some good running subplots, like The Doctor looking for a name, or Tim Parsnip faking bad behavior as part of a covert mission. We even had this fantastic actor named Brad Douriff guest star in an episode—Tuvacca mind-melded with him, and he's been going crazy once a season ever since. But there were also stupid things. Things like Salsa impregnating Trip Sucker with Chevrolet's DNA…

**Boredlett Stan:** Dude, what?!

**Myway: **…and a pretty racist episode where it turned out that Chevrolet's tribe never had a culture until white people from outer space brought it to them. (Poor Chevrolet suffered a lot in that season.) But the worst, by far, was the incident with the Warp 10. I've worked so hard to block it from my memory, but now that I let myself, I can remember it like it was just yesterday…..

* * *

><p>…<em><strong>SEASON 2…<strong>_

[_Tim Parsnip is at the helm of a shuttlecraft._]

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Everything's good on this end, Parsnip. You're all clear.

**Tim Parsnip:** Increasing velocity. I'm at Warp 6…Warp 7…Warp 8…9…9.5…..

[_Everything ends in a flash. Next, Parsnip is sitting on the floor of the Holodeck. B'Zooka Tourguide and Fairly Dim look disappointed, from the holodeck controls_.]

**Computer:** [_ch-ch-chirp_] Sorry, you're dead.

* * *

><p><strong>MESS HALL: <strong>

**B'Zooka Tourguide: **Every time we run a simulation, the damn shuttle breaks apart under the speed. Maybe it's just not possible.

**Fairly Dim:** It's got to be! They went to Ludicrous Speed in "Spaceballs," and suffered no long-term effects. Why can't we?

**B'Zooka:** Maybe because we live in the _Trek _world, and not the Mel Brooks one where everything is _already_ ludicrous. Just because it works for a funny Jewish guy doesn't mean it'll work for us.

[_Keish walks by with her tray, dressed in her traditional Oompa Loompan Tinkerbelle outfit_.]

**Keish:** Don't give up on your dreams, gang! I know you've had trials and tribulations, but _you're gettin' closer an' closer eeevery daaay, and you're aaaaalmooost theeere…. _

[Keish walks off, singing the recent Disney song, followed by some crewman playing jazz instruments. The trio stares at her, until Cakemix grabs their attention.]

**Cakemix:** Exqueese me, but mesa worked aboard a freighter ship once, and learned much about Warp theory. Maybe my can help you!

**B'Zooka:** Cakemix, normally I'd laugh at you and say something snarky. But what we're trying to do is so absurd, that a weirdo like you just might have the answers we need. Fill him in boys, I'm gonna get some pancakes.

**Tim Parsnip:** See Cakemix, we're trying to cross the Warp Threshold, into the realm of Ludicrous Speed. In theory, you would be moving so fast that you'd occupy every spot in the universe at once. You'd be everywhere! We could get home to Earth in the time it takes to press a button!

**Cakemix:** Aaand why yousa think we're ready to attempt this kind of thing, out here, on our own, with no league of top-notch scientists or anything?

**Fairly Dim:** The Hedgehog is making more sense than we are, Tim. Do you think that's a bad sign?

**Tim Parsnip:** Well Cakemix, remember about a month ago, when we made some trades with that Winnebago that was floating through space? In exchange for some of your sandwiches, Captain Lonestar traded us a carton of Liquid Schwartz to power our engines!

**Fairly Dim:** If we can reconfigure a shuttlecraft, and later Frogger, to be compatible with that Liquid Schwartz, then it could take us to Ludicrous Speed! The only problem is, the speed is too fast for the shuttle to withstand itself.

**Cakemix:** Aaand why is the Communications Dweeb working on this project, instead of B'Zooka's engineering team, or some of Tim's backup pilots?

**Fairly Dim:** My God!

**Tim Parsnip:** What?

**Fairly Dim:** Duct Tape!

[_Fairly and Tim stare at each other, wide eyed_]

**Tim Parsnip:** It holds the universe together!

**Fairly Dim:** If we cover the shuttle in duct tape maybe the speed of Warp 10 won't be able to rip it apart!

**Tim Parsnip:** Back to the holodeck! Cakemix, you're a genius.

**Cakemix:** I am?

**Tim Parsnip:** Yes! I don't know how, but this conversation with you inspired that idea for us! Just think….after we break Warp 10, _everything that follows_, will be _all thanks to you_!

[_They leave joyfully, while Cakemix stands there, looking bashfully proud of himsel_f.]

* * *

><p><strong>HOLODECK:<strong>

**Tim Parsnip: **…Warp 9…Warp 9.5…9.8…9.9…._Ludicrous Speed, GO_!

[_Triumphant '80s video game music plays, while badly-animated dragons and mushrooms party around his shuttle craft_._ We zoom out, and see this playing on the wall-screen panel of….._]

**THE READY-FOR-THE-BEST-EPISODE-OF-THE-SERIES! ROOM: **

**Captain Myway: **Congratulations, you three have just made history! People will speak of this day for years to come! When you make that shuttle flight Tim, you'll be joining a long line of famous space pioneers. "Neal Armstrong, Zephram Cockroach, and Tim Parsnip!"

**Tuvacca:** I suppose human pioneers are the only ones worth mentioning, Captain.

**Tim Parsnip:** I like the sound of that, Captain! My old man said I'd never do anything noteworthy, boy will he be surprised.

**Fairly Dim:** And we'll be going home! I can't wait to see what they're up to in the Airhead Quadrant, while we've been away!

[_Cut to a shot of Freak Space 9, in the middle of a chaotic Dominion War battle_]

**Chevrolet:** [_Sipping orange soda_] This tiresome and ridiculous journey will finally be over! No more Salsa impregnating Trip with my DNA, no more being poulverised by aliens with croutons for heads, it'll all be over! After you make this flight Tim, none of us will ever have to put up with weird aliens or ridiculous pregnancies ever again! It'll be back to living normal lives.

**Tuvacca:** Actually Commander, you will probably be imprisoned for your crimes against the Federation, along with your entire Mosquito crew.

**Chevrolet: **[Eh that's okay, my crew's been planning our jail break for that since Day Two. [_Finishes his soda and gives a small belch_.]

* * *

><p><strong>TIM PARSNIP'S QUARTERS:<strong>

[_Tim Parsnip sits in a futuristic cushioned lawn chair, reading the MAD Magazine of "Star Bleck: Voyeur." The door chimes_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Come in. [_Still reading his magazine_] Haha! "I take full responsibility for not screwing up and getting us into mayhem!" That's SO Captain Mywa—CAPTAIN MYWAY! [_Sits up, and quickly stuffs his magazine under the chair_.]

**Myway:** At ease Lt. I'm afraid I have some bad news. It's The Doctor's opinion that Fairly Dim should fly the shuttle, and not you.

**Tim Parsnip:** Fairly Dim? He's not even a pilot! What the hell?

**Myway:** The Doctor's concerned that you're such a good pilot, nothing could possibly go wrong. Fairly on the other hand is a dweeb, who the Universe seems to personally hate. The odds are that he'll provide the unexpected horrible conflict we need for a good episode.

**Tim:** But this is _my_ episode!

**Myway:** _Your_ episode?

**Tim:** I'm sorry, it's just….Ever since I was a child, my friends, my teachers, my parents, _everyone,_ used to say, "That Tim Parsnip, he's the one who's gonna do something really out-there…something no one else would even think was possible, would even consider could happen. He's gonna do something that will make us all stand there in shock, and just say, 'WOW.'" Whatever this episode has in store for us, it's meant to happen to me!

**Myway:** [_Sniff_] Your monologue has touched my woman's heart, Lt. Parsnip. All right. Despite the danger, I'll let you take the flight. [_Exits the room_.]

**Tim:** [_Throws head back with relief_] I love having a woman captain! There's just no way Flirt, Pickacard or Disco would have given into that bleeding heart speech!

* * *

><p><strong>NEXT DAY, ON THE BRIDGE: <strong>

**Captain Myway: **It's almost time…! [_Hits smiley faced com. badge_] Bridge, standing by!

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLE: <strong>

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Wearing an X-wing helmet and goggles_] Shuttlecraft Cockroach, standing by!

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING: <strong>

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Engineering, standing by!

[_B'Zooka sits on the upper level of Engineering, at a consol. Next to her is Crewman Jonas, a very young man with elegantly gelled dark hair and a hipster hat_.]

**Crewman Jonas: **Is the helmet and goggles necessary for this flight?

**B'Zooka:** No. But Parsnip insisted.

[_Jonas nods, then takes that down in a notebook, labeled "Info for the Kroutons"_]

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLE:<strong>

**Tim Parsnip:** I'm at Warp 8….Warp 9….9.5…9.6…9.7…9.8..9.9….9.95…..Woa…

[_Out his window, the stars stretch out, change colors, turn to trippy rectangles, and finally…plaid_!]

* * *

><p><strong>Fairly Dim: <strong>He's gone to plaid! …I've lost him, he's no longer on sensors.

**Captain Myway:** My god…he could be anywhere in the universe now—

**Fairly Dim:** Oh, there he his! He was behind that asteroid to our left. I'll beam him to sickbay.

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

[_Myway and The Doctor look over Tim, who's asleep on a biobed_._ Keish meanwhile is keeping track of Tim's vital signs from a consol. She wears one of her typical Oompa Loompan outfits—today, a yellow skirt and a blue top, over a lighter blue shirt with poofy Renaissance sleeves._]

**Keish:** Maybe one of us should kiss him! On my home planet, that sometimes wakes up people who are in a deep coma.

**The Doctor: **Mr. Parsnip isn't in a coma, or even unconscious, as far as I can tell. He's just asleep. And while there are some male crewmembers that our female fans would _love_ to see Tim kiss, I don't think _I'm_ one of them. WAKE UP LIEUTENANT!

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Peeks eyes opened_] Well, this is it…I must be in heaven. Oh god, The Doctor's here! This must be the other place!

**The Doctor:** You're not dead Lt., you were just resting.

**Myway:** What happened Tim?

**Tim Parsnip: **I'm not even sure how to describe it…once I hit Ludicrous Speed, I was everywhere in the universe at once! I was here, aboard Frogger…at home on Earth…at Freak Space Nine, watching all those freaky aliens argue with each other…with the Clingons, with the Kroutons, other galaxies, in the Q Continuum watching them all play Pool with planets…I was aboard Babylon 5, on the Tardis with Dr. Who, on the Serenity with the "Firefly" gang…

**Myway:** Wait, Tim, you saw Earth? What did you see there? Is Star Freak looking for us? Are our families okay? Did, uh, any of our fiancés back home give up on us and remarry, or anything?

**Tim Parsnip:** Oh, uh….I dunno, I wasn't paying too much attention. I was mostly focused on all the hot women in the universe who were taking showers at the moment.

**B'Zooka Tourguide: **[_Bursts into sickbay_] He's okay! Thank god! [_Smiles joyfully_]

**Captain Myway: **That's so sweet of you to be concerned for him, B'Zooka, even though you're always bickering! If I didn't know any better I'd say you two secretly had feelings for each other.

**Tim Parsnip:** Pfft. Me and B'Zooka? No way. Where's Keish at?

**B'Zooka:** The blonde fairy princess who you have nothing in common with? She's probably in the Mess Hall, letting her goldfish boyfriend talk down to her, as usual. Might as well stop by there and say hi to them, since it's about lunch time.

**Myway:** [_Whispers_] Don't get discouraged, B'Zooka. Indiana Jones dated a whole string of squealing blonde bimbos before he hooked up with the feisty brunette. Don't let him get away!

* * *

><p><strong>DARK ROOM: <strong>

[_Crewman Jonas sits at a laptop, talking to a Krouton Captain_.]

**Crewman Jonas:** Hey man, here's all the information on the Ludicrous Speed flight. And in return, you'll promote my record albums as discussed, right?

**Captain Krouton: **Certainly, Mr. Jonas. Just as soon as my crew and I are finished testing Ludicrous Speed for ourselves, to make sure it works. Once we're convinced, we'll make sure that the entire galaxy loves you and your brothers!

_**BANG! BANG! BANG! **_

**Lt. Jim Carrey [V.O.]:** Jonas! What are you doing, having a baby in there? We got people hoppin' up and down on one let out here!

**Crewman Chip [V.O.]:** I've had to pee since like 0800 hours this morning!

[_Jonas slams his laptop shut and gets up from the toilet_.]

* * *

><p><strong>MESS HALL: <strong>

**Cakemix:** [_Wagging his tail_] Lookie Tim, mesa invented this new brand of coffee in your honor this morning…The Tim Parsnip coffee! It's parsnip flavored.

**Tim Parsnip:** Sounds disgusting. Who wants to bet me their holodeck privileges I won't finish it?

**Fairly Dim:** I will!

**Tim Parsnip:** Aaall righty. [_Starts sipping the coffee_.] Hey, this is good! Try it!

**Fairly Dim:** Tastes as bad as most of Cakemix's cooking.

**B'Zooka:** [_Also gives it a taste_.] It's vile. What's so good about it Tim?

**Tim Parsnip:** It's the best thing I've ever tasted! Mmmm….Op! Looks like I'm aaallmost fini….ACK! [_Falls to the floor, suffocating._]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY:<strong>

[_The Doctor and Keish rush to Tim's assistance. Keish now wears her red undershirt and gold one-sleeved dress—with Indian fringes, and a blue Pocahontas necklace. Tim is still hyperventilating._]

**The Doctor:** What did he eat?

**Fairly Dim:** Just some of Cakemix's coffee.

**The Doctor:** It's a mirical he survived.

**B'Zooka:** Ha ha—wait, how can you make that joke, The Doctor? You don't eat or drink.

**The Doctor:** I've SMELLED his coffee. Mr. Parsnip will likely be dead by morning.

**Tim Parsnip:** GAAAASP!

**B'Zooka & Fairly Dim:** No, Tim! I love you! [_Stop, then stare at each other oddly_.]

**The Doctor:** This is no time for irrational human emotions (or violent Clingon ones)! If you two want to help your friend, go back to Engineering and get all of the information on Tim's flight that you can. The more I know, the better chance I have of saving him.

[_B'Zooka and Farily Dim leave Sickbay. The Doctor and Keish are left to care for Tim_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** I'm going to die, aren't I.

**The Doctor:** You're a Regular, Mr. Parsnip. You're too interesting to die.

**Tim Parsnip:** Said Captain Pickacard to his butt-kicking security chief Tussle Yarr, right before the chocolate blob whacked her! Said Captain Disco to Jadzia Fax, right before the Cargassian villain poisoned her lungs with his deadly stench! Face it Doc, it's Frogger's turn to lose a regular, and it looks like I drew short!

**The Doctor:** Mr. Parsnip, you're delirious. You don't know what you're saying—

**Tim Parsnip:** PEPERONI PIZZA! I could go for one of those! You know I used to cry in my bedroom as a boy, because my dad was such a royal dick to me. I swear to go, George Castanza's boss on "Seinfeld" looks _exactly_ like my dad, they could be twins, but I looked it up, and it's not the same actor. But they're both old boring guys with no hair. I don't trust people with no hair. Do you have hair?

**The Doctor:** All right now you're just talkin' mumbo jumbo.

**Tim Parsnip:** Kiss me!

**The Doctor:** For goodness sakes Mr. Parsnip…Keish, Ensign Dim, Lt. Tourguide, various alien women, where _does _your sexuality end? Who's next, the Captain?

**Tim Parsnip:** Not you! ….Her.

[_He nods towards Keish, who has been typing random buttons on a nearby consol, trying not to get involved_.]

**Keish:** Tim we've been through this. I'm with Cakemix, we have nothing in common, and you obviously have repressed feelings for B'Zooka.

**Tim:** I know, but B'Zooka's not here. And you've always been my second choice, Keish. If B'Zooka died, I'd marry you, and we'd have a beautiful baby girl who'd grow up in about a week, because she'd be half Oompa Loompan, and then she might do something really bizarre like marry Fairly Dim and have a kid with him. Frak man, that's disgusting! Stay away from my daughter you pervert!

**Keish:** The Doctor, do you think Tim is just babbling nonsense, or do you think he's evolving a sense of intelligence that surpasses time and space?

**The Doctor:** I _think _you should stop prescribing your special garden herbs, both to the patients and yourself.

**Tim:** Besides, Keish. If anything can save my life now, it's one of your fairy-princess kisses.

**Keish:** Tim now you're just being ridiculous—

[_Tim suddenly goes limp, and flatlines_.]

**The Doctor:** He's dead Jim. [_He and Keish stand over Tim's body solemnly_.] Welp, he ain't gettin' any deader. Go to bed Keish, our work here is done.

[_Keish leans over and gives Tim a small kiss. Then she walks out of sickbay. Later that night, The Doctor is sitting in his office, watching an Opera on TV, when suddenly…_]

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Sits up, arms outstretched_] _**I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII VE! **_

**The Doctor:** Sweet Jesus, Parsnip, I think you took three years off my program! How on earth can you be alive? I'd better scan you. [_Sticks Tim in the giant '90s scanner, then releases him and examines the printed results_.] Tim, this is bizarre, but you seem to have grown an extra heart!

**Keish: **Then you have one to give to B'Zooka _and_ Fairly! I heard shouting from here, and came as fast as I could.

* * *

><p><strong>A VAGUE AMOUNT OF TIME LATER: <strong>

**Captain Myway: **So now Tim's alive again, but you say he's undergoing…mutations?

**The Doctor:** To put it mildly, yes. It seems that ever since he went to Ludicrous Speed, he has been going through ludicrous mutations.

**Myway:** How, um, how bad is it?

**The Doctor:** Ever seen "The Fly?"

**Myway:** …The Vincint-Price "Fly"?

**The Doctor:** [_Slowly shakes his head_.]

**Myway:** …Jeff Goldblum "Fly"?

**The Doctor:** [_Nods soberly_.]

[_Myway looks over at Tim Parsnip, who paces around a bed behind a forcefield_._ He's lost his hair, and his skin is shedding, with some strange layer revealed underneath._]

**Myway:** Does he just _look_ disgusting, or…

**The Doctor:** His personality has been affected as well. He's prone to bouts of anger, paranoia, delusions, and overall obnoxiousness. Well, more obnoxious than usual.

**Keish:** [_Wearing a blue jump-dress over a white top, and holding a rose_] But we can still help him! He's become a beast, but with kindness and love, maybe we can help him! It's a _tale as ooold as tiiime, song as old as rhyme_—

**Tim Parsnip: **Enough with this singin' woman! Go get me some of those herbs from your garden!

**Keish:** Now Tim, say "please."

[_Tim opens his mouth to say something, but instead coughs out his tongue—literally—at her_.]

**Keish:** EEEEEEE! [_Runs away_]

**Myway:** That is frakking disgusting.

**Tim Parsnip:** Captain, are you going to try and help me?

**Myway:** We'll do everything we can, Tim. We need you. I shudder to think of Frogger being piloted by Commander Chevrolet, or a dweeb like Fairly, or B'Zooka with her temper, or…well, anyone besides you.

**Tim Parsnip:** Great…cuz you'll FAIL! I'm gonna die, and your show will get _canceled_! Our villains SUCK, our episodes SUCK, and your HAIR SUCKS! [_Sadly_] No I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. It's this awful condition that's making me say things I don't mean. That Warp 10 was a line we humans were never meant to cross…us stupid humans, with our STYUPID MINDS! STYUPID! _STYUPID! _

**Myway:** …I think I've done all I can here.

**The Doctor: **There's still hope, Captain. The herbs from Keish's garden could purge the mutant DNA from his body, much like pot can cure Cancer. But it would be nice if we could provide a lava lamp to make the experience less painful and more entertaining for Mr. Parsnip….a very, very large lava lamp…

**Myway:** Liiike the Warp Core.

**The Doctor:** Well what could go wrong?

* * *

><p><strong>LATER:<strong>

[_Myway, The Doctor, and Keish sit in Sickbay, eating popcorn, around a tiny little screen. They are watching the events in Engineering, where Lt. Tourguide and her team have Tim enclosed in a glass coffin, next to the Warp Core. Keish now wears a purple Esmeralda outfit, with a coin-dangling sash._]

**The Doctor:** It was so nice of you to loan Tim your bed for this experiment, Keish.

**Keish:** Your welcome. But The Doctor, are you sure you, me, and the Captain shouldn't just be down there in person, since Tim's our patient and Myway's pilot?

**The Doctor:** When we could spy on them with the security camera, from the safety of sickbay? What fun would that be? [_Chuckles, and tosses some popcorn in his mouth. It flies right through him, with a holographic hum. The Doctor looks disappointed_.]

**Myway:** Tim's mutation has gotten even worse, it seems.

[_One the screen, in the pod, one can see Tim. His face looks like a rubber Richard Nixon mask_.]

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** [_On the screen_] We're turning up the frequency of the Warp Core's funky colors and shapes. Carrey, start up the Led Zeppelin music.

**Lt. Jim Carrey:** Let Zeppelin? I thought we were gonna use The Beatles' "I Am the Walrus," or—OH MY GOD!

_**CREEK…CRASH, SMASH!**_[_Phaser fire is seen_.]

**B'Zooka:** HOLY FRAKKING BALLS!

[_More smashing and phaser fire. The boom box flies across the screen. Someone shouts "My leg!"_]

**Captain Myway:** [_Shoots up, spilling popcorn_.] Time for me to get down there and be a hero! What could go wrong?

* * *

><p><strong>TURBO LIFT: <strong>

[_Myway hurries into the turbo lift, phaser at the ready…and runs right into Tim. He now looks like puppet-animated, prehistoric turtle. Tim grabs the Captain like Pepe le Pew._]

**Tim Parsnip: **_My love! Come viz me, and let us repopulate ze species! _

**Myway: **I could fight back like the Star Freak captain I am…but on the other hand, this may be the only action I get for the next 75 years…

[_Tim picks up the captain and tosses her over his shoulder, onto his turtle-shell back. Then he pulls in his arms and legs. Rocket-boosters come out of his shell, and he takes off, spinning into the air. They crash through the wall and spin away into space, faster and faster, until the stars stretch out and they go to Plaid_….]

* * *

><p><strong>Chevrolet: [V.O.]<strong> Sidekick's log, Stardate: Worst Episode Ever. We still can't find Tim or the Captain, and I don't know how long it will take to replace all of the nameless crewman that Tim killed in Engineering. But The Doctor now has an explanation for what's going on.

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY:<strong>

**The Doctor: **Tim Parsnip is undergoing human evolution! His transformation represents what the human race will evolve into, millions of years from now! That's why he suddenly had trouble breathing the ship's air, and drinking water. Because in millions of years, the human race won't be able to do those things anymore! The only difference between this and normal evolution is that it has taken place over a period of days, instead of millennia.

**Tuvacca:** Forgive my language The Doctor, but that is tribble shit. First of all, evolution never occurs within one generation, to a single individual; evolution concerns traits that are passed down from generation _to_ generation. Secondly, a species evolves to become _better suited_ to its environment. So if Tim were properly "evolving," he would not have been made sick by the environment aboard Frogger, he'd have become better suited to it. Of all people on this ship, you, the science officer, should have a basic understanding of evolution.

**The Doctor:** For your information Tuvacca, I have a perfectly fine understanding of evolution—as well as Creation Science, the biology of Legitimate Rape, and the study of homosexuality's close links to psychopathology.

**Chevrolet:** [_Quietly_] Tuvacca, when this is all over, remind me that we need to have B'Zooka give The Doctor's program some serious updates…

[_Chevrolet is leaning over a consol, looking at a display of the Doctor's programming information. Tuvacca peers over, and sees: _EMERGENCY REGULAR CHARACTER, HOLOGRAPHIC BACK-UP DOCTOR: MANUFACTURED IN KANSAS, U.S.A.]

**Tuvacca:** I will indeed do so, Commander. But at present, we are faced with the task of locating Lt. Parsnip and Captain Myway. With the power of Ludicrous Speed, they could be anywhere in the Universe. The odds that they are even still in the Milky Way are—

**Fairly Dim:** [_Bursts into Sickbay_] Tim and the Captain are on a swamp planet about an hour from here. I uh, tried some of Keish's herbs, and I saw this ghost image of an old dude with a beard. He told me that to find my friend and Captain, we must go to the Degoba System.

**Tuvacca:** …..I have never understood the purpose of putting a logic-obsessed character like me on a show where logic is nonexistent.

**Fairly Dim:** Huh?

**Chevrolet:** Don't worry about it, Dim. Everyone, back to the Bridge—well not you, The Doctor. We're gonna head to this Degoba System and get our people back!

**Fairly Dim:** But Commander, do you think Captain Myway has turned into a giant dinosaur-turtle-thing like Tim has?

**Chevrolet: ** It's possible. But these things happen, Fairly. As I understand, Lt. Brocoli on "Next Generation" once turned into a giant spider, and his doctor was able to cure him. Whatever has happened to Tim and the Captain can't be that bad.

* * *

><p><strong>CUT TO THE PRESENT: <strong>

**Telephone Line: **Captain, if I may interrupt your flashback…I can understand how this episode was certainly not good, especially with the horrendous mangling of the theory of evolution. But your story is almost over, and I truly don't see what makes this the worst Trek episode ever.

**Naomi Wildthing:** Me neither. I mean, I'm kind of enjoying it. I like how it shows B'Zooka obviously caring for Tim, even though they're both supposedly hate each other.

**Boredlett Kyle:** It just seems like a typical Season 2 episode from what I've heard.

[_Myway looks at them grimly over her coffee, and continues her story_…]

* * *

><p><strong>DEGOBA:<strong>

[_A shuttlecraft lands on the dark, swamp planet. Chevrolet, Tuvacca, and two security crewman step out. Yoda sits on a rock, waiting for them. The green muppet greets them with his trademark laugh_.]

**Yoda:** Mmmm-hm-_hm-hm_-hm-hm-hm-hmhmm…! Over by the water, your shipmates await. [_Points with his cane_.]

**Chevrolet:** Thanks.

[_They approach the water, and lean carefully to have a look. Out crawl two large orange salamander things, with catfish-like mustaches. Chevrolet stares, strokes his chin, and finally, with a sudden sense of understanding, says…._]

**Chevrolet:** What the fuck.

**Tuvacca:** [_Raises eyebrow_] Commander, I believe that is the first time I have ever heard anyone in this crew use such language.

**Chevrolet:** Well it's the first time _I've_ ever seen anything this….this….this…

**Yoda:** [_Cackles mockingly_]

**Chevrolet:** [_Sigh_] So, which one do you think is the Captain?

**Tuvacca:** The one with the bun. Obviously.

[_Chevrolet and the two crewman squint at the lizards. Indeed, one of them has a little poofy bun on its head_. _Suddenly, three baby lizards slither out of a hole in the ground_. _One has a little poofy bun; the second wears Captain Proton goggles; and the third has both._]

**Tuvacca:** They have made babies.

**Chevrolet:** I can see.

[_They all stare in shock. Behind Chevrolet and Tuvacca, an alien snake suddenly slithers out of its tree and snatches up Crewman #67; Crewman #43 looks up, and goes next. Neither the commander, the Vulcan, nor Yoda react_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY:<strong>

**The Doctor: **After such a cosmic transformation, I have no idea how we're going to restore the Captain and Mr. Parsnip to their human physiology. Shame they didn't turn into frogs, or else _you_ could just kiss them and undo everything, Keish.

**Keish:** [_Leafy lily-pad dress_] Actually the Doctor, they _kind of _resemble frogs…

[_Keish kisses Parsnip and the Captain. Green glitter erupts around Sickbay, and both are immediately returned to their human forms_.]

**The Doctor:** Hrmph. Makes about as much sense as anything in this episode so far.

**Tim Parsnip:** My god, Captain, I am SO sorry—

**Myway:** No, no, Tim, don't apologize. In some species, it's the female who initiates the mating. Besides, I was the one who authorized this stupid experiment in the first place. I should have known that playing with Ludicrous Speed would result in a Ludicrous Episode.

**Tim Parsnip:** So much for making history and impressing my dad, I guess.

**Myway:** [_Rubbing her face_] Oh we'll make history all right. "Plan 9 From Outer Space," "Godzilla vs. the Thing," "Spork's Brain," Season 1 of "Next Generation," and now…"Spoof Trek: Frogger."

**Tim Parsnip:** No! Our whole show can't be doomed! There must be something we can do!

**Myway:** [_Slowly looks up_.] There is. I'm going to delete all log entries concerning this episode. I'll delete these memory files from The Doctor's program. And I'll make a ship wide announcement; under pain of being boiled in hot coffee and blasted into space alive, NO ONE shall EVER speak of this incident again, for as long as this journey continues!

* * *

><p><strong>CUT TO THE PRESENT: <strong>

[_Telephone and the kids sit frozen on the couch, staring at Myway, their mouths opened_.]

**Naomi Wildthing:** Soooo…what happened to that guy who was feeding info to the Kroutons?

* * *

><p><strong>CREWMAN JONAS' QUARTERS (Season 2):<strong>

**Jonas:** So…I guess the deal's off?

[_On the laptop screen, a crew-full of orange lizards with crouton heads stare at him hatefully_.]

* * *

><p><strong>THE PRESENT: <strong>

**Captain Myway: **So now you know the truth. [_Drains her coffee with bitter swagger, like a pint_.]

**Telephone Line: **We all have pasts of which we are ashamed, Captain. Do not think we will judge you by a demented lizard-affair with Tim Parsnip. Isn't that right children?

[_The kids all nod in agreement_.]

**Myway:** [_Whispers_] Thank you! …But eventually, Tim and I will have to come clean with our loved ones about all of this. I only dread that day….

* * *

><p><strong>TWELVE YEARS LATER<strong>

[_Tim Parsnip and B'Zooka Tourguide sit in their backyard, on Earth, with their daughter, Midol_.]

**Midol Parsnip:** So let me make sure I understood you guys here. Before you met mom, you and Aunt Kathy had a one-night affair as giant salamanders, and produced my three lizard half-siblings who live on the other side of the galaxy?

**Tim Parsnip:** That's pretty much the size of it, yep.

**Midol:** Great! I can't wait for my ten years of therapy to start! [_Stands up, with a "too-much-information!" expression on her face, and walks off_.]

**Tim Parsnip: **[_Mutters to B'Zooka_] She's got your sarcasm, darling.

**THE END. **


	16. Before and After

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Post and Previous" **

(Spoofing "Before and After," Season 3)

**Summary: **_Keish finds herself traveling backwards through her life! Her past gives us insight into this mysterious Oompa Loompan's character; her future is like something out of a weird fanfiction…_

* * *

><p><strong>SCENE 1: SICKBAY<strong>

**The Doctor:** [_Big, wavy, news caster hair_] Good news Dr. Keish! Though you are old and dying, here at age nine, this high-tech stasis chamber I've constructed should help extend you life!

[_Keish lies in a contraption built around a biobed, crudely constructed of tin foil, duct tape, and random starship parts. Keish herself is old and gray, wearing a leopard-spotted dress and pointed sunglasses_.]

**The Doctor:** I should've told you before Keish, but better late than never. You are my finest friend. Well, you can stand to be in the same room as me for more than five minutes. Close enough.

**Keish:** Wha…?

**The Doctor:** I'll turn the chamber on then.

_**FLASH!**_

* * *

><p>[<em>Keish sits on a biobed, watching The Doctor put his stasis chamber together with duct tape<em>.]

**The Doctor:** Don't worry Keish! When I'm finished building this stasis chamber, we'll put you inside and—

**Keish:** But you were just putting me into a stasis chamber!

**The Doctor:** What? [_Gently_] I don't think so, Keish. That nine-year old Oompa Loompan brain of yours must be a shriveled little raisin by now; you're probably just delusional.

**Keish:** What is this place, where am I? Who are you? Who am I, for that matter?

**The Doctor: **Of course, Amnesia. Typical for the nine-year-old Oompa Loompan. Totally natural, certainly not related to my attempts to sedate you…

[_The Doctor nervously stashes a coconut in a drawer. Keish watches, rubbing a bump on her head._ _Suddenly, a little boy comes in. He looks part Asian and part White, with pointed Oompa Loompa ears. He runs smack into a wall, shakes his head, and changes course towards Keish_.]

**Annoying Child:** Grandma Keish! I hope The Doctor's magical chamber pot can keep you from dying! Here, I finished your birthday present, finally. Sorry it's late. [_Holds up a horribly-cut paper snowflake._]

**Keish:** Who the hell are you.

**Annoying Child:** It's me, Awfully Dim, your grandmother!

**The Doctor:** No, Awfully, _she's your_ grandmother. You're her grand_son_. Listen, Grandma Keish is having some mental problems at the moment. Go get your whole family in here. That's a good boy—no, no, the door's—[_CRASH, clatter_]—that way.

[_The irritating boy leaves, and returns seconds later with three people: Tim Parsnip, Fairly Dim, and a blonde woman with Oompa Loompa ears, wearing a miniskirt, heels, and a tight low-cut shirt that reads "Sardines."_]

**Keish:** Who are you people?!

**Blonde Woman:** I'm your daughter, Hummus! I was born in a shuttle craft! I work with you here in sickbay! When I'm not working my other job on the holodeck, at Sardine's, the restaurant dad created to entertain the crew, back in Season 2 or 3. You don't remember any of that? The Doctor, I told you that trying to sedate her with that coconut wasn't a good idea.

**The Doctor:** Now, now who said anything about….

**Keish:** [_To Hummus_] What Season is it now? And who's your daddy?

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Dreamy eyes and voice_] It's Season 9. And _I'm_ Hummas's daddy—and your husband—Tim. I love you very much. Actually, I think I used to love a different girl…someone really badass…but she died and I was sad. But then you looked into my eyes said some funny words, and now I love _you_!

**Fairly Dim:** And the same thing happened with me and Hummas. So now I'm your son-in-law. [_Creepy smile_.]

**Keish:** [_Leans away, creeped out_.] Uh…hi there…. [_Whispers to The Doctor_] Did I really use some mind-trick on this poor bastard?

**The Doctor:** I don't think you did it on purpose. You've always had mysterious powers that were a little bit beyond your control. Your daughter and grandson inherited that little trait, I'm afraid.

[_He and Keish look over at Awfully Dim. He's standing there with little flames in his eyes, making medical supplies fly in a circle around him_.]

**Keish:** [_To Tim and Fairly_] Uh, sorry about that….

[_Suddenly, Chevrolet bursts into Sickbay, with a phaser in one hand and a cutlass in the other_.]

**Chevrolet:** Nobody move! I'm instigating a mutiny against the captain!

**The Doctor:** You are the captain.

**Chevrolet:** Oh. Yeah. [_Walks out with his head hanging_.]

**Keish:** [_Adjusts her pointy glasses_] What a strange person.

**The Doctor:** That was Captain Chevrolet. He's never quite been the same since his best friend, our first captain, died.

**Keish:** Who…?

_**FLASH!**_

* * *

><p><strong>KEISH'S QUARTERS: <strong>

[_Keish wakes up in her glass Snow White bed. She pushes the lid open and climbs out. Still old, she walks around, looking at pictures around the room: a framed photo of herself, holding a baby in a shuttlecraft; a heart-shaped frame containing a wedding photo, of her and Tim in a pumpkin carriage; and a baby picture of Awfully Dim. She moves on to a mirror on the wall_.]

**Keish:** I think I remember this thing….Oh, mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of—[_Gasps at her own aged reflection_]

**Mirror:** Not you, obviously!

**Keish:** I'm old!

**Hummus:** No kidding, mother. Oh Awfully, how many times have I told you not to play with your powers in the house like that!

[_Awfully Dim is levitating paper, scissors and glitter, to make his snowflake present for Grandma Keish. Hummus starts grabbing the materials out of the air._]

**Awfully Dim: **But mom, I gotta finish Grandma Keish's present! It already sucks that I won't have it done in time for her party.

**Keish:** …OH I'm like the CRYPT KEEPER! Wait, what present? You just gave me a finished present.

[_Hummus drags Awfully and a confused Keish to the Mess Hall, where the crew is gathered in party hats_. _Cakemix is there in a gold Star Freak uniform, holding a blue cake._]

**Cakemix:** Happy 9th Keish! Mesa haven't cooked a cake since I was promoted to Security Officer! Make a wish!

**Keish:** Okay…I wish things would start making sense around here. [_Blows out candles_.]

[_They all start to eat the cake. Pretty soon, they're all giggling and acting VERY happy_.]

**Keish:** What, um, what was in this cake?

**Cakemix:** Herbs from yousa garden, of course! So Keish, yousa closer to my age now than Tim's…wanna reconsider?

**Keish:** Um, I need to talk to The Doctor, just a moment. [_Leaves_]

**Cakemix:** [_Calls after her_] Plastic surgery won't change yousa age on the inside, Keish! Just admit you're old and stop being a cougar for Tim…it's creepy….

**Awfully Dim:** Hey Naomi, did you try this cake? Did you try the cake Naomi? Huh? Did ya? Try the cake?

**Naomi Wildthing:** [_Sighs_] Yes Awfully, I tried the cake.

**Awfully Dim:** Hey Naomi, do you wanna like, be boyfriend and girlfriend?

**Naomi Wildthing: **Awfully,I was _literally_ baby-sitting you this morning. I mean, I know _I_ grow up fast because of my Rhinoceros Person heritage, but you Oompa Loompans are just _nuts_.

**Awfully Dim:** I hate nuts! Yuck! [_Continues eating cake with his bare hands_]

**Naomi Wildthing:** I wish I had someone _smart_ to hang out with. Like some Bored drone kids, who I could talk science stuff with, but also swap fart jokes and watch "Terrance and Phillip" with.

**Ensign Spam Wildthing:** Well honey, _I_ wish you had some better _role models_ on this ship. Like the tough-as-nails female captain we used to have, or the super badass and super smart Clingon engineer. Hell I'd even settle for a Bored blonde in a catsuit if she was smart and no-nonsense. But no, you've just got Dr. Tinkerbelle and Tinkerbelle Jr. to look up to. That's just the way the cookie crumbles, kiddo. [_Takes a bite of cake, as if swigging from a pint, bitterly_.]

**Keish: **The Doctor, I need to tell you something. But you have to pinky-swear not to say I'm delusional!

**The Doctor:** [_Long, Ozzy Osborne hair_] Well, all right. I pinky swear, cross my heart, hope to die. I will NOT say you're delusional. Now, what is it?

**Keish:** I think I'm traveling backwards through time. First, I was dying, and you were putting me in a stasis chamber—

**The Doctor:** What? How could you know about that?! I haven't told you—I only came up with the idea this morning!

**Keish:** …and then, you were suddenly building the chamber, saying you were going to put me into it. And how I'm here, at this party.

**The Doctor:** Keish, is it possible…

**Keish:** [_Threatening stare_]

**The Doctor:** …that you were dreaming?

**Keish:** [_Stares, unhappy_]

**The Doctor:** Then again, there's that whole issue with you knowing about the Stasis Chamber…All right, we'd better figure this out!

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

[_The whole Parsnip/Dim family is there, plus pretty much all the other (living) regulars_.]

**The Doctor:** ….and we have proof that Keish isn't delusional, because she knew about the stasis chamber I've been working on.

**Captain Chevrolet:** Exactly how does that chamber work?

**The Doctor:** Oh… [_Shrugs_] Some complex technobabbble or another….

**Hummus:** The Doctor, is does this invention cross a line that man was never meant to cross?

[_The Doctor shrugs, and makes a "little bit" gesture with his fingers_]

**Keish:** How exactly does it work? If I know, maybe I can get to the bottom of this.

**The Doctor: **Well, if you _must _know every boring detail… I made a few deals to get all the materials. I sold one third of my holographic soul to the Pah Wraiths from "Freak Space Nine," and the other third to Q, all in exchange for the power to build a De-Aging Chamber powered by the heart of an orphaned baby tribble. By bathing in the blood of the baby tribble, Keish would—hypothetically anyway—gain its power of being young and cute again. By regressing to an earlier stage in her life, I thought she could possibly gain an extra year or so.

**Keish:** And instead, you've sent me spiraling backwards through space-time. Thanks, schmuck.

**The Doctor:** Oh, excuse me. Of course I should've known that a stasis chamber could warp the fabric of space-time reality, how silly of me!

**Chevrolet:** Wait The Doctor, so you're telling me that you now lack two thirds of your soul, and you've still been _operating_ on all of us?

**The Doctor:** Actually, those were the last two thirds I had. The first third of my holo-soul I sold a few years ago, to Lady Q, in exchange for this hair. [_Threads his long dark hair admirably_.]

**Keish: **…According to this log entry here, I was infected by a Temporal Transwarp Tortilla, a few years ago. Maybe that temporal radiation mixed badly with your stasis chamber, The Doctor!

**The Doctor:** Well, okay, I guess I should've taken that into account.

**Tim Parsnip:** That was during The Year of DooDoo.

**Keish:** Tell me about it, Tim. What happened in the Year of DooDoo?

**Tim Parsnip: **Frogger was under constant attack by a race called the Black Glove Gang, for a year strait. We lost a lot of good people. Captain Myway, Lt. Jim Carrey…B'Zooka Tourguide. I was in love with B'Zooka. When she was killed, I thought my life had lost all meaning. We fit so well together, with our Han Solo/Princess Leia personalities, I felt as if she and I were meant to be the ship's Official Couple, get married, have a baby, and spawn millions of cute fluffy fan-fictions. But then you reminded me that you were single, and I thought, "What the hell. She's no B'Zooka, but I'll only be married to her for like three or four years before she gets old and croaks anyway. And when she dies, maybe I'll inherit her garden with all those funky herbs." Of course I didn't anticipate my best friend Fairly falling in love with our own daughter. That was just weird. Come to think of it, this whole family is weird. I mean, I'm this rough-and-tumble pilot, and here I am married to a fairy princess, trying to relate to a fairy-princess daughter. For some reason, I feel like it would almost make more sense if I were raising a part-Clingon tomboy or something.

Sorry, that was rude. It was the midlife crisis speaking, Keish dear, not me! Actually, the day we got married, I thought it was the best day of my life, but every day after that just kept getting better and better! [_Annoying smile_]

**Chevrolet: **_Gad!_ Tim, no offense, but seriously, that's not even _realistic_! That's like a piece of dialogue I'd expect from a "Twilight" book, not our flyboy Tim Parsnip! Keish, I can't believe I'm saying this. But if you go far back enough in time, can you maybe, uh, _not_ make Tim fall head-over-heels for you? I actually preferred him when he was making snide comments and leaving whoopee cushions on my chair.

**Keish:** Um, sure. Look, can someone just tell me when that temporal tortilla hit the ship? I need to know the exact temperature of that Tortilla. It'll help me stop going backwards in time, for reasons too complicated for your fragile little human mind to understand.

**Fairly Dim:** There's no way to tell that, Keish. A person would have to have scanned that temperature from the torpedo while it was still onboard.

**Keish:** Oh no, I'm getting cold! That happens whenever I'm about to make a jump to a previous point in time! Do something, The Doctor!

[_The Doctor rushes to help Keish, while the other officers look on_.]

**Awfully Dim:** Hey Mom, you know what would really be creepy?

**Hummus:** [_Reading a "Parade" magazine_] What, dear.

**Awfully Dim:** If Grandma Keish went back to a time when neither of us was born yet, and then her actions changed the time line, so you and I were erased from all existence.

**Hummus:** [_Half-listening_.] Yes, Awfully. That would be very creepy.

**The Doctor: **Don't worry Keish, I'll raise your temperature back up with a hypospray! That should keep you in temporal sync with us!

**Keish:** Wha-? Raise my temp-? How-? Are you re-? WHAT? …..That's like if Captain Chevrolet here said, [_Stiff impression of Chevrolet_] "The Doctor, I have brain cancer. I know because the tumor is giving me a headache." And you said, "Oho, here Captain, have a Tylenol for the headache! Problem solved!" Seriously, is EVERYONE on this ship INSANE? I mean, first you [_gestures to_ _Chevrolet_] promote that hedgehog cook to Security Chief, over dozens of qualified security officers. Then _you _[_Tim_] marry me, even though we have as much in common as Han Solo and Snow White; and you Fairly marry your best friend's daughter, when there's a whole ship full of women your own age! And The Doctor is violating the laws of nature to extend his friend's lifespan by just one year!

**Chevrolet:** Keish…..do I really have to spell out for you why I chose to give Cakemix the most dangerous job possible?

**Keish: **Well, okay, good point. But as for the REST of you morons—

_**FLASH!**_

* * *

><p>[<em>Keish is suddenly holding a baby boy. She's young and beautiful again, with long curly hair, and a dark blue catsuit (with pointed Medieval trim, and a Sleeping Beauty tiara)<em>.]

**Fairly Dim: **Haha, So Tim, how does it feel to be a grandpa? Does it suck to feel old?

**Tim Parsnip: **Not as bad as losing the love of my life and the great captain who gave me a second chance and earned my respect, all in one battle, and then finally finding new love, only to have her, my daughter, and grandson grow up, age, and die within a handful of years, while I stay young and healthy. Or the fact that Cakemix is now the Security Chief, and I'll be seeing him on the bridge every day for the next 75 years.

[_Awkward silence_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Or having you for a son-in-law, Fairly! Haha!

[_Everyone laughs merrily_]

**Keish:** What's the stardate?

**Tim Parsnip:** Uh, it's 65194. But why would you ask such a strange question?

**Hummus:** Um, because her grandson was just born, and maybe she wants to remember this date forever?

**Keish:** I've gone back in time six months then. Which to me is like six years. Wait, why am I measuring by the Human calendar, rather than Oompa Loompan "years"?

**Tim:** Keish…what?

**Keish:** Nothing. Here, enjoy Awfully Dim, while he still exists.

**Tim Parsnip:** Oh, had to rub salt in that wound, didn't y—

_**FLASH!**_

* * *

><p>[<em>Keish and Tim Parsnip are in a shuttle craft. Keish is standing up<em>.]

**Keish:** _Now_ where am I?!

**Tim Parsnip:** In a shuttle, giving birth to our daughter Hummus!

**Keish:** If I'm giving birth then why am I standing up?

**Tim:** Silly Keish, you know Oompa Loompans aren't born that way! Ooo, here it comes, I can see the petals!

[_From Kesih's back, Tim pulls out a large potted flower. The flower's petals open up, and sitting inside is baby Hummus!_]

**Tim Parsnip:** Wow, born in a shuttle craft, while Frogger was under attack! I bet no one can top that story! Well, maybe if someone gave birth while Frogger was flying through a wormhole back to Earth, being chased by the Bored, while the father piloted the ship. But what are the odds of that.

[_They fly back to Frogger, which is under attack by the Black Glove Gang. As the battle rages on, a Card Board Box floats by Frogger. Inside, Telephone Line watches from a view screen. Telephone is a full drone, wearing a tin foil crown._]

**Bored Collective: **Federation Vessel identified, U.S.S. Frogger, engaged in battle with the Black Glove Gang. Shall we intervene and assimilate?

**Queen Telephone Line:** No. It would be an inefficient waste of our resources. Instead, we shall all converge in the sitting room chamber, and watch the marathon of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. In the area of Boredom and Doldrums that the Bored Collective so values, this show is…perfection.

**Bored Collective:** An efficient decision, Queen Telephone Line. We have been most successful in our conquering, since you assassinated the old Bored Queen and took her place. Imagine if you had been separated from our Collective a year or so ago, and left us to regain your humanity, or something like that.

**Queen Telephone Line:** Imagination is irrelevant. Now commence the program.

**TV:** _It's a beautiful day in the neeeighborhoood…_

* * *

><p><strong>U.S.S. FROGGER: <strong>

[_The ship is smoking and falling apart. The Doctor runs around the Mess Hall, with a rainbow afro, treating patients._]

**Keish:** This must be the Year of Hell, right now. Or was it the year of Doodoo?

**Chevrolet:** More like the Year of WHAT the Hell. So tell me Tim, did you propose to Keish the day B'Zooka died, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?

**Tim Parsnip: **Hey, I'm not the one who put Cakemix in charge of all our safety! Besides, Keish is only gonna be a babe for another year or so before she starts getting old. I had to act fast!

**Fairly Dim: **But in about a year, that baby will be about 20, and probably a hot blonde like Keish… [_Thinks it over_.] One year to bide my time and buff up.

[_Chevrolet, Tim, and Keish stare at Fairly Dim, beyond disturbed. Finally, Cakemix interrupts the awkward silence._]

**Cakemix:** Good news everyone! A burning hot temporal tortilla is lodged into the Geoffrey's Tube! The bad news is, it's gonna give all of us radiation poisoning and three different types of cancer. But the good news is, wesa gonna have a taco night for dinner!

**Vulcan Ensign Forklift: **I can die happy. [_Goes limp in his cot, actually dead_.]

**Keish:** Temporal Tortilla? This is it! [_Tosses baby Hummus behind her (Tim catches her) and runs out the door_.]

* * *

><p><strong>GEOFFREY'S TUBE: <strong>

**Keish:** [Climbing a ladder] _Heart don't faaail me now, courage don't desert me don't turn back, now that we're heeeere_…. [Slides down a tube slide, into a pit of balls, where the tortilla is lodged.] …_ooon this journeyyyyy too the paaaaast….! _Okay, here we go. [_Takes out a thermometer, and reads the temperature of the tortilla_.] The temperature is 567 degrees Fahrenheit!

_**FLASH!**_

* * *

><p>[<em>Keish is on the holodeck, in that Beach Program where everyone hung out in Season 3. Keish now wears a long blue dress, with somewhat poofy sleeves and gals slippers<em>.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Hey Keish. How's it hanging? [_Takes a swig from his shot glass. His eyes and voice are normal again_.]

**Keish:** Tim, you're…_cool!_ This must be before I accidentally hypnotized you…

[_B'Zooka Tourguide shows up, and she and Tim kiss_.]

**Keish:** [_Unhappy stare_] You must be B'Zooka.

**B'Zooka:** Last time I checked. 'There a problem?

[_Blinded by jealousy, Keish, hurls a ball of lightning at B'Zooka. B'Zooka grabs the lightning ball, dribbles it for a second, then throws it back at Keish, knocking her to the ground and zapping her._]

**Kesih:** [_Stands, soot-covered, and brushes herself off_] Sorry about that.

**Tim Parsnip: **Issomething wrong Keish? You don't quite seem to be yourself.

**Keish:** Very. Something is VERY wrong, Tim. You see—

_**BOOM!**_

**Captain Myway [V.O.]: **All Regulars, report to the bridge!

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

**Keish:** Oh god, it's the Black Glove Gang! They have temporal tortillas!

**Myway:** How the hell did you know that?! Whatever. Fire all we've got, tear those suckers apart!

**Keish: **Wow, that Captain Myway sure is a determined fighter! I guess this is the battle where I'll see the deaths of her and B'Zooka…The two badass women who survived everything…I wonder how they'll go? Sucked into space during a battle? Crashing into the Black Glove Gang ship on a suicide attack? Cut down during a boarding attack?

**Myway:** I need some coffee.

**B'Zooka:** You know Captain, that sounds like a good idea.

[_Amidst the battle, B'Zooka and the captain go to a coffee machine on the wall. As the captain turns on the spout, the coffee maker suddenly overloads, and gives off a small explosion. They both go flying to the ground, covered in soot, and not moving. Keish takes their pulses_.]

**Keish:** They're dead! ….They're…dead? You're….you're _kidding _me.

**Lt. Jim Carrey:** [_Walks onto the bridge, eating a banana_] Hey Captain lady, I just thought you should know that the warp core's leaking, and Engineering is like, falling apart and all that…Oh my GOD, are they DEAD? [_Runs forward to see, slips on his own banana peel, and falls to the ground, dead_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** B'Zooka, no!

**Chevrolet:** Tim, I need you and the con! We have to stay cool. My best friend just died, and the young Clingon who was like a daughter to me, but it's my duty to take Myway's place as Captain now. You have to pull it together too and move on.

[_The battle rages on, Tim flying between enemy blasts, everyone else working furiously at their consoles. They continue their casual conversation, as they fight_.]

**Tuvacca:** If…Captain Myway is dead…then Chevrolet is the Captain, and that means…._I. Get. His. Job_. I am. The new. Sidekick. [_Rushes over to Chevrolet's old chair, and sits down, proudly, regally_.] Perhaps now, as the first officer, I shall finally be…interesting!

**Chevrolet:** Yeah, the Vulcan first officer to a buff macho human captain. No one's seen that before, you'll be fascinating. But now we need a new security chief. During this Year of DooDoo, he or she probably won't last very long anyway, so may as well make it someone we won't mind losing…. [_Looks over, and sees Cakemix standing there stupidly, wagging his tail_.] Say Cakemix, how'd you like a promotion?

**Fairly Dim:** You know Comman—Captain—we might always gain new crewmembers to fill Myway and B'Zooka's roles. I mean, we already gained Cakemix and Keish, and all you Mosquitos. Who says we won't take in more aliens, or some ex-Bored drones or something?

**Chevrolet:** _I_ says, because when I'm captain, we won't be taking any more dangerous risks! Myway liked to get us into danger to make interesting episodes, and look where it got her! From now on, if you want drama, you'll get it from soap opera stuff onboard. You want an interesting storyline, go flirt with your best friend's daughter, or something.

* * *

><p><strong>LATER, IN THE MESS HALL: <strong>

**Tim Parsnip: **Oh B'Zooka…what am I gonna do without her now?

**Keish:** Oh Tim, I know it seems awful now. But you had a life before B'Zooka…

**Tim:** You're right! I can go back to the one who I loved, before I loved B'Zooka!

[_Keish waits, hopefully. But Tim goes right past her, and over to Fairly Dim, and spins the dweeb into a smooch. Keish watches, confused_.]

**Tim:** What? It's the 24th century!

**Keish:** [_Shrugs_] I know, I just didn't expect it. Knowing you, I thought [_Waves her hand casually_] you would want to hook up with some hot blonde babe—

**Tim:** [_Suddenly hypnotized_] I want to hook up with some hot blonde babe.

**Keish:** Wha…? [_Looks at her own hand_] Did I just do a Jedi Mind Trick? DAMMIT!

**Tim:** [_Dazed smile_] You're pretty, Keish. Let's get married, start a family…

**Fairly Dim:** You turned our flyboy pilot into a Mormon. Thanks a lot, Keish.

**Keish:** I swear, I didn't…

_**FLASH!**_

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY-FOR-A-HEADACHE ROOM: <strong>

[_The entire regular cast of Season 3 sits around the table. Keish now wears her red catsuit (with the purple sleeve fringes and the coined Gypsy sash._]

**Captain Myway:** …and then the Vulcan says, "That's no Ferangi, that's my wife!"

[_Everyone around the table laughs, except Keish_]

**Keish:** I'm traveling backwards though time!

**Myway: **Well, normally I like to mutilate the timeline by myself, but if you really want to Keish, I suppose we can arrange—

**Keish:** No no Captain, I mean, I'm already doing it! Against my will! I'm trapped in some time anomaly or something! You see, first I was this old woman, and it was three years from now. The Doctor put me in some stasis chamber mumbo-jumbo, and it sent me backwards through time! I've been living my life in reverse, like Merlin! Every time I jump backwards in my life, I tell all of you people this, and you all try to figure out a way to stop it, but I jump backwards again before you're able to!

**Tim Parsnip:** …Huh?

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** [_Casually munching chips_] How exactly did The Doctor's stasis chamber work, Keish?

**Keish:** Well uh, he powered it with the heart of an orphaned baby tribble, so I could gain its ability to stay young and cute. But the chamber mixed badly with temporal radiation that I got a year from now, and that's what sent me backwards through time. The chamber used nutrinos, if that helps. Oh, and the temperature of the temporal tortilla that infected me was 567 degrees.

**B'Zooka:** [_Munching_] Hrm, that's easy. [_Swallows_] Just rebuild the chamber, but use anti-nutrinos, and keep it at 567 degrees. Problem solved.

**Keish:** …B'Zooka, you have no idea how screwed this ship would be if we ever lost you.

**B'Zooka:** Sure I do. But thanks anyway.

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

[_Keish lies in the chamber. The Doctor, Myway, and B'Zooka oversee it_.]

**The Doctor:** Really, this chamber of mine will be an ingenious idea!

**Keish:** Yeah. So ingenious that it will send me backwards in time, threatening me to age younger and younger until I wink out of existence. And all the while, altering the entire timeline, changing who lives, who dies, and who does and doesn't get to be born. Though in retrospect, that last part isn't necessarily such a bad thing…so all right, you are a genius. [_Stares_.] Your hair is gone though.

**The Doctor:** I'll get hair in the future? How?

**Keish:** Uh, never mind. Just turn on the chamber.

_**FLASH!**_

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE:<strong>

**Captain Myway:** …you could even think of it as a cosmic game…of Frogger!

[_Keish has short Season 1 hair, and wears her one-sleeved Pocahontas dress_.]

**Keish:** GOD-FRAKKING DAMMIT, NOT AGAIN!

**Myway:** Bless my poofy bun girl, you watch your language on my bridge!

**Keish**: I'm sorry, Captain. But you see, I'm going backwards in time!

**Myway:** Oh. Well, if you want to, that's alright. But if you still want to be a part of my crew, you'll have to make sure you're back here by about, oh, eleven-hundred hours. Then we take off for Earth—

_**FLASH!**_

[_Keish is in her dad's garden, a little girl!_]

**Keish's Dad:** Keish, how many times have I told you to stay out of daddy's stash? Do you want the police to come down on us? Keish? Are you listening?

**Keish: **Three…two….one.

_**FLASH!**_

* * *

><p>[<em>Keish is a newborn baby! Her parents proudly look over her. Both have long hair with colorful beads, and hippie sunglasses.<em>]

**Keish's Father:** She's as beautiful as the herbs and flowers in my garden! I think being a father will be groovy.

**Keish's Mother: **I think, someday, she'll see the sun!

[_Next, Keish is in the womb. Then, she's a lump of cells. (When this episode airs in Kansas however, the lump of cells is replaced with a miniature Gerber baby with a halo.) Then, she's an unfertilized egg. But suddenly, the egg cell divides…grows into the baby, and Keish is born again!_]

**Keish's Mother:** I think, someday, she'll see the sun!

**Keish's Father:** You already said that, Cupcake.

**Keish's Mother:** Oh, hehe, so I did. [_Sigh_] Man I'm high.

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

[_Keish wakes up, in the stasis chamber_]

**Keish:** Where am I?!

**The Doctor:** You're in Season 3, at the time when we put you into the Stasis Chamber. It worked! I…am a genius.

**B'Zooka:** [_Smiling_] Hey genius, it was _my_ idea.

**The Doctor:** But _I_ pulled it off.

**B'Zooka:** With _me_!

**The Doctor:** Oh yeah? RAWR! [_Pounces at her like a lion, but goes right through her with a holographic hum_.]

* * *

><p><strong>HOLODECK<strong>

[_The senior staff is celebrating on the holoprogram that's set on the beach, except with no actual ocean, for some reason_.]

**Cakemix:** So, mesa gonna be the chief of security!

**Tuvacca:** Hopefully, Keish's actions in each timeline she jumped to changed the course of history.

**B'Zooka: **But I'll bet you found out some pretty interesting things. Do any of us, say, hook up with people we've secretly had crushes on?

**Keish: **Actually, a lot of you died. And some of us got married, and had children…who I have now erased from the timeline….but they were pretty annoying anyway. Listen, Captain, just stay far away from some aliens called the Black Glove Gang. And don't go near your coffee pot during a battle with aliens who have temporal technology! You too B'Zooka! We really are screwed without you two. And Fairly, good god, keep away from your friends' children, you pervert! I'm going to fill out a report of all I know about the Black Glove Gang, so you can defend yourselves when the episode "Year of Doo Doo" rolls around.

**Captain Myway:** Where are you going Keish? Don't you want to stick around and enjoy yourself for a while?

**Keish:** No, I don't want to. I'm still mad at most of you for being such idiots in the future!

**THE END**


	17. Dark Frontier

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Dork Frontier" **

(Spoofing "Dark Frontier," Season 5)

**Summary: **_Telephone Line must have flashbacks, so that Frogger can rob a Cardboard Box; the Bored Queen makes her debut. _

* * *

><p><strong>SCENE 1: OUTER SPACE<strong>

[_A Bored Vessel flies through space. It's not the typical Cardboard Box, but a small scouting vessel, a Cardboard Shoebox. Cut to the inside of the ship. We see cardboard walls filled with machinery and eerie green lighting; TVs playing golf games and Spanish soap operas; drones watching these shows, reading dictionaries, playing board games, or sleeping at Regeneration Desks._]

**Bored Collective:** Approaching target: U.S.S. Frogger. We will proceed and assimilate, after narrating our actions aloud, as always.

[_The drones gather around a small viewscreen, where Frogger's bridge is displayed_.]

**1 of 8:** This viewscreen is uncomfortably small. Not at all perfection.

**6 of 8:** Indeed. Trust the Collective to be cheap.

**Myway:** Back off Bored! I don't want to hurt you. Myway is the nicer way; you let us go, we won't harm you. But we will _not _let you take our lives, our individuality, or our hair! Especially not our hair! It's Myway or the highway!

**Chevrolet:** You know, I still don't think I get enough screen time on this sho—Oh come _on_! [_His face is covered by a round pop-up add for a Bored mechanical claw-arm_.]

**Bored Collective: **Exciting explosions and space-battles are irrelevant. Your crew and ship will be assimilated, with no effort, to service the Bored—

[_Something is suddenly beamed aboard the Bored vessel. It's a little wooden rocking horse, with a big red ribbon on it._]

**Bored:** A gift. For us. We…we don't know what to say….

**Rocking Horse:** Tick tick tick tick tick….

_**BOOM! **_

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER'S BRIDGE<strong>

**Captain Myway: **That was unfortunate, but we did what we had to. Welp, they ain't getting' any deader; might as well rob them. You don't mind if we temporarily store the loot in your Cargo Bay, do you Telephone?

**Telephone Line:** [_zebra-striped catsuit_] You wish to fill my cargo bay with artifacts that might trigger bad memories? I don't see why not.

* * *

><p><strong>CARGO BAY: <strong>

[_Using ropes, the crew drags in giant treasure chests filled with Bored technology_.]

**Chevrolet:** You're excited, aren't you Kathryn. I know, you fiddle your com. badge every time you are.

**Myway:** What? Chevrolet, we've been friends for four and a half years, and I have literally never fiddled with my com. badge once.

**Chevrolet:** Well, I meant every time since _yesterday_.

**Myway:** [_Realizes she's fiddling with her com. badge_] Oh.

**Chevrolet:** Maybe you're finally starting to develop the Shakes, Kathryn. You should probably talk to the Doctor about cutting down on caffeine—

**Myway:** No, no. It's probably just a plot hole, that's all.

**The Doctor:** Captain! [_Bumps Chevrolet out of the way_] Look what I found! A Bored claw, with a Swiss army knife! [_Out of the claw pops a drill, a screw, a lightsaber, and an egg beater_.] With your permission, I'd like to add it to my supplies in sickbay, to scare patients with!

**Myway:** That's sadistic, the Doctor. Permission granted. Hmm, what's this now? [_Picks up an odd black ball_]

**Fairly Dim:** Don't touch that Captain! Just twenty minutes ago it was crawling around the floor.

[_Dim takes it, but hits a wrong button. A machine claw comes out and bite's Dim's nose. Dim drops the ball, grabbing his throbbing honker._]

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Oh no, it's tasted humanoid blood!

[_The odd Bored ball crawls around, snapping at people's ankles, while Bajerkan Crewman Tall Celery whacks at it with a broom. She finally hits it, making it shut off._]

**Telephone Line:** A Bored snapping-turtle. Even drones require pets. Naomi Wildthing has expressed interest in having both a pet and a robot; I suggest giving it to her.

**Myway:** [_Nods_] Very good. You know, this raid makes me feel kind of…gitty! If we can rob the Bored again, that'd be fun!

**Chevrolet:** [_Rubbing his temples_] Decaf, Kathryn. At least try it, for a change.

**Fairly Dim:** Actually Captain, there _is_ a crippled Cardboard box just a few light-years from here. We could try stealing their transwarp core, to get Frogger home to Earth!

[_Myway's face brightens. Chevrolet gives a death-glare to Dim, who shrugs sheepishly_.]

* * *

><p><strong>MESS HALL: <strong>

[_Tim Parsnip and Fairly Dim drink Root Beer, toasting to their victory against the Cardboard Shoebox_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** I tell you Fairly, that Trojan Horse idea of yours was brilliant! Hehe, "Trojan."

**Fairly Dim: ** Yeah….but it wish I hadn't killed so many of those drones. I mean, it's the _Bored_, the most feared race in the galaxy! It's not right for a dweeb like me to do so many of them in so easily.

**Tim Parsnip:** Oh come on Fairly, they're not _that_ impressive. They're just big piles of hardware, with kitchen appliances attached to their arms and flashlights over their eyes! Darth Vader could whack the whole Collective with one Force-choke.

**Telephone Line:** ….

**Tim Parsnip:** Oh Telephone, I-I didn't mean—I'm sorry!

**Telephone Line:** Your apology is irrelevant. It is impossible to offend a walking kitchen appliance! [_Storms out_]

**Fairly Dim:** Jerk, I was gonna ask her out today!

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY-TO-BECOME-A-VAMPIRE-BUT-NOT-READY-FOR-MARRIAGE ROOM: <strong>

**Captain Myway:** Telephone, your parents' blog has been sitting on a dead website for the last 18 years, ever since your family was assimilated by the Bored. I think it's time you gave it a look, so we can replicate your parents' technique of disguising themselves aboard Bored vessels.

**Telephone:** [_Blue catsuit with bubble design_] Good idea, Captain. And while I do so, you can read up on the glacier your father drowned under, so we can rob the Ice Pirates!

**Myway:** Telephone, please. I understand this is a personal matter. But I _want_ to get this ship home so I can go down in histo—I mean, get a plaque on a museu—I mea—That's an order!

* * *

><p><strong>CARGO BAY:<strong>

[_Telephone Line overlooks a PADD, displaying her parents' blog. The top of the webpage reads, "Chicken Hawk Diaries: Tracking the Rumor of the Bored." She scrolls past decorative flower boarders and images of lol cats, to the first entry…_]

**Mr. Henson:** [_Australian accent, and safari hat_] Chicken Hawk Diaries, Day 1: We're on our way to study the Bored, in their natural habitat! Crikey, what a discovery this'll be! Star Freak command has finally given me wife and I permission to chase after the rumor of the Bored! My wife and I first heard about the Bored in a pub on Rigel 5. Some guy in a dress and a college hat calling himself "Q" told us a bit about them, and how he was gonna work them into a prank on some poor sap named "Pick-ee-card!" Then he snapped his fingers and vanished with a silver flash. That's when I realized just how strong my drink must be, and quickly ordered another. But I digress—

**6-year-old Annika Henson:** Daddy, why are you talking what your typing on your computer, instead of only typing?

**Mr. Hanson:** It's plot exposition, princess. It has to go somewhere.

**Annika Henson:** [_Giggles_] That's the same thing that Lady Holiday said, in that movie by great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandpa! [_On a TV screen nearby, "The Great Muppet Caper" is playing_.]

**Mrs. Henson: **Our disguise technology should keep the Bored from detecting us. Blimey, it's so ignorant of Star Freak to tell us to leave our baby girl behind. I mean, the Crocodile Hunter let _his_ kids join him on his reptile adventures, and I'm sure no one had a problem with that!

**Mr. Henson:** Yep! The only part we should probably keep Annika away from is the Bored Queen. According to the rumors, she's a queen of the "evil temptress" type, not all that family-friendly.

**Annika:** What's a temptress, Daddy?

**Mr. Henson:** I'll tell you when you're twenty.

[_Flashback ends_]

**Telephone Line:** Sigh…. [_Pulls out another entry_…]

_**Chicken Hawk Diaries: Day 56**_

**Mr. Henson: **Crikey!The Cardboard Box we've attached our ship to has dragged us all the way to the Dipwad Quadrant! This would bother my wife and I, if we had any friends at home. But we don't so we're good. With the up-close footage I'll get of these drones, I should have what we need to get our own special on the Discovery Channel!

[_Mr. Henson records the drones with a video camera, hiding from underneath his cardboard box disguise_.]

**Mr. Henson:** It looks like Jr. and Doozy are waking Banzo up from his regeneration cycle. They're dismantling him and…my god, they're eating him! Crikey, it's a feedin' frenzy! [_Tries to get a closer look, but bumps into the wall, shaking his box-disguise_.] Uh-oh, this disguise is faulty…

**Telephone Line: **Telephone Line to Myway: Captain, I believe I have located the fault in my parents' technology. If we cut eye-holes in the box-disguises, it should make mobility easier, and we'll be able to reach the transwarp generator more efficiently.

* * *

><p><strong>LATER, ABOARD A BORED VESSEL:<strong>

[_Four cardboard boxes sit on the floor of the, um, Cardboard Box. Drones walk past them, unnoticing. Captain Myway peers through the eye-holes of her box disguise, then tiptoes down the hall. Telephone Line, Tuvacca, and Fairly Dim follow, each with their own box hiding their bodies. Dim is carrying a small, black, rectangular case, under his box_.]

**Myway:** The transwarp generator must be nearby. Keep your eyes peeled.

[_They walk past a wall of TVs playing dull shows. Telephone Line stops before a screen playing "I Am Legend." Tuvacca bumps into her, and Dim bumps into Tuvacca._]

**Telephone Line:** [_mutters_] I remember this program. Its ability to induce boredom was…perfection.

**Myway:** Telephone, no distractions! [_Gets behind the back of the box line, and bumps them all forward. They all continue walking._] When we're done Telephone, I'll be showing you some _good _Will Smith movies. Have you seen "Men in Black?"

**Fairly Dim:** Captain, we found it!

[_They stand before a high-tech filing cabinet, adorned with green lights, and one of those round lightning-discs that the Bored have over their Regeneration Desks. Checking to see that no drones are nearby, they fling off the cardboard disguises. Dim flips opened the black case, takes out a high-tech laser-key, and opens the cabinet, while the others stand guard. Out of the drawer, he pulls a double-battery the size of a cat, labeled "AAAAA TRANSWARP ENERGY!"_]

**Fairly Dim:** Here it is! The Quintuple-A Transwarp Energy Battery!

**Myway:** [_Hits smiley-faced coml. badge_] All right Chevy, beam 'er up!

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE:<strong>

**Chevrolet:** Oooookay.

[_Chevrolet punches some buttons on the screen by his chair. The team is not beamed up however; instead, a group of Bored drones are!_]

**Tim Parsnip:** AAAAH! NOT OKAY! NOT OKAY!

**Chevrolet:** Nuts. [_Hits com. badge_.] Something went wrong Captain. We got the Bored instead of you guys. Computer, freeze program.

[_The drones freeze, just as one of them is throttling Parsnip_.]

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Chevrolet, you always complain that everything is "too risky," but when something horrible actually _does_ happen, you're the one person who never even flinches!

**Chevrolet:** [_Playing "Rodent's Revenge" on his screen_] Why should I? We're all Regulars here. I'm not scared of getting assimilated, phasered, or blown up; it just gives me a headache.

* * *

><p><strong>THE CUPCAKES-ARE-READY ROOM: <strong>

**Captain Myway:** Telephone, we can't have you freeze like that on us, during the real away mission. I may be pushing you too hard. Maybe you should give your parents' blog a rest, and loan me the spotlight for the rest of this episode—

**Telephone Line:** No! You can count on me, Captain!

**SICKBAY:**

**The Doctor: **You must be rather upset by all this, Telephone, reading your parents' blog. If there's anything I can do for emotional support…like Orange Soda or anything…

**Telephone Line: **Good riddance to them! Because of my parents' idiocy I lost eighteen years of my life to the Bored. Because of them I now drool before golf tournaments, unable to comprehend the joys of exciting programs like "Captain Proton" and "The Muppet Show." [_Storms out of sickbay_.]

* * *

><p><strong>TELEPHONE LINE'S CARGO BAY: <strong>

**Naomi Wildthing: **Whatcha' doooing, Telephone?

**Telephone Line: **[_purple disco-patterned catsuit_] Attempting to apply logic to this a program Mr. Parsnip loaned me, "Monty Python's Flying Circus." I'm currently researching atomic mutation, and its realistic effects on cats.

**Naomi Wildthing:** Did it hurt when you were assimilated? Or were you too bored to notice? Do the Bored have kids? Who started the Bored anyway? I mean was it like a science experiment gone wrong, or did some robots merge with humanoids on purpose, or what?

**Telephone Line:** I am not interested in discussing plot holes with you, Wildthing. Return to your quarters.

**Naomi Wildthing: **Resistance is futile. [_Bored implants sprout on her face_.]

* * *

><p><strong>CREEPY VOICE:<strong> Telephone Line, Tertiary Hardware Junk, Unamatrix MST-3K.

**Telephone Line:** Who are you? Where is that voice coming from?!

**VOICE:** I am the Bored. I know of Frogger's plan. It was I who allowed them to obtain the coordinates for the damaged Cardboard Box. I'm luring them into a trap. [_Cackles slowly, like the Evil Emperor Palatine_.]

**Telephone Line:** What do you want?!

**Bored Queen (V.O.):** World domination, a lifetime supply of boredom, and some hair. But your return to the Collective will suffice.

**Telephone Line:** Why are you speaking to me in this quiet, seductive manner? Will "Trek" ever allow a _good guy_ to be openly gay, instead of just villains?

**Bored Queen (V.O.): **I am not "les" for you, Telephone. What you mistaken for a "bedroom voice" is, in fact, simply the droll of the purest, must serene boredom. When you return to us, you too will remember the joys of being Bored.

**Telephone Line:** I'll never rejoin you!

**Bored Queen:** If you don't rejoin us, I will assimilate Frogger. All of your dear friends will be Bored. And their audience too will be bored; for after I assimilate the crew and destroy your sad franchise, the Trek writers will be forced to unleash their next-planned series…a prequel called "Applepies." BUT. If you join us willingly, Frogger will not be harmed; their series will continue, perhaps not as interestingly without you, but decently at least; and it will be another half a decade before anyone is forced to endure "Applepies." The choice is yours.

* * *

><p><strong>CARDBOARD BOX: <strong>

[_The away team is aboard the Bored vessel—for real this time! Myway, Tuvacca, Telephone, and Dim tiptoe down the hall in their cardboard box disguises. Most of the drones don't notice them, though one makes a point to glower at Dim. Dim whimpers, and scuttles up close next to Myway_.]

**Myway:** There's the filing cabinet, with the Transwarp Battery! Get ready.

[_Dim flips opened his little black box. Inside is his clarinet_.]

**Fairly Dim:** Oh shit_._

**Myway: **WHAT? You brought the wrong—?

**Bored Collective**: Intruders detected. Prepare to assimilate.

[_Telephone Line grabs Dim and uses his head to break opened the filling cabinet. She tosses the battery to Myway._]

**Telephone Line:** Run ahead Captain! I'll stay behind and fill in the tunnel!

**Myway:** Right! Three to beam up!

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER'S BRIDGE:<strong>

**Myway:** Wait, we didn't dig any tunnel…

**Chevrolet:** Captain, _tell me_ you didn't just leave our best character behind with the Bored.

**Myway:** Of course not! I…was…just…about to make a plan to rescue her and save the day!

**Chevrolet: **As usual Captain, I disagree. I never trusted Telephone Line. Ever since she came aboard this ship, she's done nothing but break your rules and steal everyone's screen time.

**Myway: **Oh what Chevrolet, you miss the good old days, back when you got entire story arcs fighting Krouton-headed buffoons and having a Cargassian spy impregnate a cowboy with your DNA? You should be thanking Telephone! Now let me think….why after all these months would she suddenly betray us?

**Chevrolet:** Maybe she's tired of having to save our butts every week with her Bored nanoprobes.

**Myway: **Chevrolet, that's it! Telephone's tired of saving the day all the time! She wants to give ME a chance to be a hero for one week! Everyone, get to your quarters and start working on battle strategies! I want ideas by tomorrow morning!

* * *

><p><strong>BORED VESSEL:<strong>

[_Telephone Line is brought into the Bored throne room. Sitting in a comfy armchair covered in wires and Bored technology is a headless, robotic body. From above, the Bored queen's head and spine descend from a cable, and enter her "body." On her head is a tiny cardboard crown_.]

**Bored Queen:** Excuse me, Telephone. I was staring at the ceiling. Few activities are a more perfect example of boredom.

**Telephone Line: **[_Blue catsuit_] Sounds riveting.

**Bored Queen:** Ha! I see that the humans have re-crafted you in their own image, teaching you sarcasm, and giving you hair and—wait, did you garment just change colors?

**Telephone Line:** [_Brown catsuit_] Explain.

**Bored Queen:** Your suit was blue one moment ago, and now it is brown—

**Telephone Line:** [_Silver catsuit_] I haven't the faintest idea what you're referring to.

**Bored Queen:** You just did it again!

**Telephone:** [_tie-dyed catsuit_] Did what?

* * *

><p><strong>CAPTAIN MYWAY'S QUARTERS: <strong>

**Captain Myway: **We've been close for a long time. Years in fact. I realize that as the Captain, I can never display a public affection for you. But if you're interested, just in private, we could take this relationship to the next step. I'm not talking about anything nasty—just a holodeck date, maybe some kissing,

**Coffee:** [_British accent_] Please Kathryn, I only stick with you because you're so pathetically clingy. Anyway, someone's at the door.

**Myway:** [_Quickly gulps down her coffee_] Come in!

[_The doors open, to reveal Tuvacca and Naomi Wildthing_.]

**Tuvacca:** Presenting the cuteness-relief of the ship, Captain.

**Natalie Wildthing:** Captain Myway, I heard your announcement that we all have to make plans to save Telephone Line, so I did, and here it is: we send a shuttle full of crewman as a sacrifice to the Bored, and while they're busy killing them, we'll sneak into the Bored Queen's throne room with a big horseshoe magnet! Telephone's metal implants will be sucked in by it! She'll come flying right to us! Then we all hop back into Frogger and Tim Parsnip takes us away at Ludicrous Speed! What do you think? I told it to my new robot snapping turtle you gave me, who I named Wendolyn, and she thought it was a good idea.

**Myway:** [_Cheek in hand_] Cakemix gave you something with a lot of sugar, didn't he.

[_Suddenly, Fairly Dim and Tim Parsnip burst into the room_.]

**Fairly Dim:** Captain! Tim and I were in Telephone's cargo bay with the Delirious sisters—

**Tim Parsnip**: We didn't meant to intrude, but with the dark lighting and creepy green lights, it was just perfect for "World of Darkness," and we figured Telephone wouldn't mind—

**Fairly Dim:** I went to use Telephone's computer panel to look up something in the game rules online, and I stumbled upon this conversation, recorded in the cargo bay by the computer! Computer, play the conversation!

**Conversation: **I am the Bored. I know of Frogger's plan. It was I who allowed them to obtain the coordinates for the damaged Cardboard Box. I'm luring them into a trap. [_Cackles slowly, like the Evil Emperor Palatine_.]

**Myway:** My god, it's all coming together! The Bored threatened her, to make her rejoin them! She wasn't betraying us, she was trying to save us!

**Naomi Wildthing:** But why were the Bored so obsessed with one drone, when they could have all 200 of us?

**Fairly Dim**: Because Naomi, the bad guy is always personally after the Captain's best friend. In our early seasons, Salsa wanted Chevrolet; on "Freak Space Nine," Gul Douchebag wanted Major Keychain; on Next Gen., the Bored Queen wanted Data Graph; on the original series, the brain-thieves wanted Commander Spork…

**Naomi Wildthing:** Cool! So if I ever do get to be Captain's Assistant, I'll have my own villain friend to fight with?

* * *

><p><strong>CARDBOARD BOX: <strong>

**Telephone:** [_Wood-pattern suit_] Just get it over with and assimilate me.

**Bored Queen:** That's exactly what we're going to do, Telephone. The first step in the assimilation process is the Incredibly Boring Bored Training Video.

[_On a small screen, a training video begins_.]

**Video:** Section 1: The Dangers and Lies of the Unions…

[_Twelve hours later, Telephone stands before the video, snoring. The Bored queen slaps her on the shoulder, waking her_.]

**Bored Queen:** Now, for your assimilation-training. Follow Cinco of Quatro, Echad of Shalosh, and 2 of 69 to Assimilation Chamber #34612.

**Telephone:** You will not accompany me?

**Bored Queen:** No. I plan to view a golf tournament, and just assume that everything is going according to plan.

[_As Telephone and the drones near the assimilation chamber, screaming is heard. An alien teenager comes running down the hall (recognizable as an alien via his head-boppers and green hair)._]

**Teenager:** Noooo dude! I don't wanna be Bored! I wanna RAVE!

[_Instinctively, Telephone grabs the teen by his Black Sabbath T-shirt. 2 of 69 sticks his assimilation straws into his neck_.]

* * *

><p><strong>5 MINUTES LATER:<strong>

[_The four alien teenagers sit frozen before the Bored training video, their eyes wide with horror and boredom. One teen is so bored, one of his antenna falls off with a crunch. Cinco of Quatro replaces the antenna with a mechanical Bored one, topped with a green light. Another teen's arm then falls off, and is promptly replaced with a spinning Bored spatula_.]

**Telephone Line:** I cannot allow this horror to continue… Bored Drones! You may, ah, join the Queen at her golf tournament. I will complete the assimilation from here.

**Echad of Shalosh:** Appreciated.

[_The drones leave the room. Telephone quickly turns off the video, then runs up and slaps each teenager a few times on the face, waking them from their trance_.]

**Telephone Line:** I will help you escape. When I beam you back to your ship, you must take off towards the pink nebula to your left—the funky colors will frighten away any Bored vessels there.

**Teenager:** [_Examining his spatula-arm_] Sweeet!

[_Telephone beams the teens to safety. She turns around to see the Bored Queen in the doorway, with her arms folded, tapping her foot_.]

**Telephone Line:** Please let them go!

**Bored Queen:** Oh, all right. But now you must help me assimilate Earth!

* * *

><p><strong>ELSEWHERE: <strong>

[_The Captain, Tuvacca, Tim Parsnip, and The Doctor fly through space in Delta Lightning, the high tech shuttle craft_.]

**Tim Parsnip: **It's sure convenient that the cardboard box that stole Telephone left this green oozy trail through space for us to follow.

**The Doctor:** It's still the '90s, Parsnip. We TV shows need to get our stories done in two episodes tops. You want to spend three episodes searching for someone before actually forming a rescue plan, wait ten years and then hop aboard Battlestar Galactica.

**Tim Parsnip:** Entering transwarp…!

[_Tim takes the shuttle into a tunnel of green swirling light. Floating in the tunnel is a sign that reads, "MUST BE 4 FT TALL TO ENTER!" They soar through the tunnel, while The Doctor sings a fast-paced opera, Tim yells "Yaaaa-hooo!" and the Captain screams with her arms up in the air. When they come out of the tunnel, they are at a Bored Transwarp Hub. It's a massive web of Bored space stations, cardboard boxes, and smaller vessels. There are flashing lights and moving billboards everywhere, showing images of golf tournaments, nature videos about insects, and episodes of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. A billboard shows a smiley face with a Bored eye, and reads, "WELCOME TO BORED SQUARE._]

**Myway:** Tuvacca and I will sneak in and get Telephone. Tim and The Doctor, you two can wait here and insult each other.

[_Myway and Tuvacca beam away. Tim and The Doctor stare ahead at Bored Square_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Cranky-piece-of-hardware.

**The Doctor:** Un-cultured man-child.

**Tim Parsnip: **Bald-o.

**The Doctor:** Twit.

* * *

><p><strong>BORED THRONE ROOM: <strong>

[_Myway and Tuvacca step into the room. All the lights are off_.]

**Myway:** Maybe she's in here…

[_The_ _green lights suddenly flare on, and the Queen spins around in her swivel-y comfy chair_.]

**Bored Queen:** Captain Myway! At last we meet, for the first time, for the last time!

**Telephone Line:** Captain, I'm trapped behind this force field, like Tinkerbell in the lantern! Surely you didn't just brave ten billion drones just to save me?

**Myway:** I did, Telephone! We're family now. [_Speaks passionately, while Tuvacca snores where he stands_.] And we do things for family. Like risk our lives, and sacrifice tens of good ripe redshirts, and put up with whining and complaining!

**Bored Queen:** No! Telephone, your family is here!

[_The Queen snaps her fingers, and a male drone steps forward. A drone in a safari hat, and a Kermit-the-Frog T-shirt_.]

**Telephone Line:** Papa? …You fracker, thanks for getting me assimilated! I'm _definitely_ going with Myway!

**Tuvacca:** [_Still snoring, standing in the corner_.]

**Bored Queen: **Telephone wait! Aren't you wondering where your _mother_ is? Aren't you curious, why I was so obsessed with your personally?

**Telephone Line:** No, not in particular. I imagine any explanation from you would be torturously boring.

**Bored Queen:** Telephone, I am your father!

[_Silence_.]

**Mr. Henson Drone:** He-em.

**Bored Queen:** [_Looks at Mr. Henson, then consults her script_.] Sorry, wrong script. [_Throws away the script for "Star Wars," and then pulls out a new one_.] He-em. Telephone, you disremember this because of your amnesia. But it was actually you who killed me, one thousand years ago!

[_Everyone exchanges confused glances_.]

**Telephone Line:** [_Peeking at the script_.] "Van Helsing?" You mean they actually _were_ working from a script in that turkey of a movie?

**Bored Queen: **Grrr! [_Tosses script away, and rummages for several minutes, before pulling out the right one_.]YES! Right. He-Em. Telephone Line, the reason I have been so personally obsessed with recapturing you, is that I am secretly your…

[_The Queen looks, and sees that Telephone and Myway are gone. A shimmering hole buzzes in the force field, with a Bored ax sitting next to it. Tuvacca is still standing in the corner, snoring_.]

**Bored Queen:** [Stops foot.] Dammit!

* * *

><p><strong>U.S.S. FROGGER, BRIDGE: <strong>

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Delta Lightning is coming back through the transwarp tunnel…and they've got ten Cardboard Boxes on their tail!

**Chevrolet:** My god…a battle scene! I'm standing up for this. [_Does_.] Take aim….Fire.

**B'Zooka:** Hey, calm down there Chev, I think I almost detected some emotion there.

**Chevrolet:** [_Talking as Cardboard Boxes are blown to smithereens on the viewscreen_.] You know, I really don't understand all the hate I get for my monotone, when half our fan-base has Asperser's syndrome. I mean, it's like the fan-base of "Fineas and Ferb" complaining that Candice is "too hyper and ADD…" Oh, hi Captain.

[_Delta Lightning has crashed through the wall. Myway, Tim, and the Doc step out. Myway is holding Telephone like a prince holding a rescued princess. Telephone looks unmoved, as usual_.]

**Myway: **Ha! You lose the bet Chevrolet! Telephone wasn't betraying us, and I did rescue her! [_Tosses the stone-faced Telephone aside, and holds out a hand_.] Cough it up, Commander. How much was it—five bucks? Six?

**Chevrolet:** We didn't make any bet this time, Kathryn.

**Myway:** Oh.

[_Telephone, who wound up landing on a ceiling rafter, leaps down and faces Myway_.]

**Telephone:** You rescued me, Captain. Even though I have been nothing but trouble, and there wasn't even a bet in it for you, you risked your entire crew to save me. Why?

**Myway:** That's part of being a Star Freak family, Telephone. We never abandon a crewmember!

**Tim Parsnip**: Oh my god, we forgot Tuvacca!

**Fairly Dim:** We're being hailed.

**Myway:…**On-screen.

[_On the screen come several Bored drones, with Lt. Tuvacca_.]

**Bored Drones:** We apologize for kidnapping Telephone Line. We did not realize your retribution would be so harsh. Please, please, please, take back the Vulcan. He bores even us, with his lectures on logic.

[_Myway and Chevrolet exchange a glance, both with raised eyebrows_.]

**Myway:** Well, if you absolutely must, I think we can work something out…

* * *

><p><strong>ENDING SCENE: <strong>

**Myway (V.O.)** Captain's log, Stardate 676767766776.7 After yet another little exchange with the Bored, I've got my whole crew back, and we're ten years closer to Earth.

**THE END. **

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The Asperger's/ADD joke was not meant to be cruel or pick on anyone. It was just meant to be ironic, and tongue-in-cheek.  
><strong>


	18. Deadlock

**A/N: I first took the term "Vidiot" from a webpage, dedicated to "Star Trek: Voyager." Now that I Google it though, it seems "Vidiot" is actually a slang term for a person who is obsessed with videos. Wherever the term comes from, I did not invent it. Please don't sue me.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>SPOOF TREK: FROGGER<strong>

"**Dead Duck"**

(Spoofing "Deadlock," Season 2)

**Summary: **_A pretty nebula creates two Froggers; cute crewmembers die, annoying ones are doubled, and organ-stealing Vidiots are on the prowl…_

* * *

><p><strong>SCENE 1: MESS HALL<strong>

**Ensign Spam Wildthing: **Ugg, this pregnancy has lasted almost two years now. I don't think I can take any more stress.

**Cakemix: **[_Wagging his tail_] Oy, Spam! There you are! Mesa need help with the oven!

**Spam Wildthing: **[_Groans, rubs temples_] ….Hello…Cakemix….Uh, sure, I'll help you with—Oh my god, that's a contraction! I'm going into labor, get me to sickbay!

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**The Doctor: **Congratulations, Ensign! Your baby is finally on her way!

**Spam Wildthing:** Wait, I _am_ in labor? I just said that to—AAARG, what is that?!

**The Doctor:** The child's forehead horns are causing problems. Unfortunately, this is a common complication in Hunan/Rhinoceros-Man pregnancies.

**Kiesh:** [_Wiping Spam's forehead_.] It's all right Spam, everything will be fine. Just sing that relaxing song, like I taught you: _With a smiiiile and a soooong…_ [_Birds flutter around Kiesh_]

**Spam Wildthing:** _OH CAN IT, TINKERBELLE!_

**The Doctor:** Kiesh, prepare for a fetal transport. We're going to beam the baby out. Come to think of it, why doesn't everyone just do that?

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

**Chevrolet: **I don't know why I'm so nervous. It's not even my child!

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Whispers to a nearby ensign_] Ten bucks says it is!

**Chevrolet:** Hey, I'm not the ship's designated "ladies man," Parsnip! If that baby comes out brown and beautiful, then sure, it's mine; but if it's pink and squishy, twenty bucks says its' yours!

**Spam Wildthing:** [_Over the com. System_] SHUT UP YOU IDIOTS! I AIN'T GOTTEN SO MUCH AS A _KISS _IN THE LAST TWO YEARS! THIS CHILD WAS BEGOT BY MY _HUSBAND _GRIDDLECAKE, AMBASSADOR OF THE RHINOSEROUS PEOPLE, WHO COULD _IMPALE_ YOUR SORRY ASSES!

[_Everyone on the bridge is left stunned into awkward silence. Finally, Tuvacca changes the subject_.]

**Tuvacca:** During the birth of my fourth child, my wife was in labor for 36 hours. She, too, expressed emotional outbursts. At one point I recall, she exclaimed aloud, "This experience is most discomforting!"

[_Everyone stares at Tuvacca_.]

**Myway:** We'll just have to figure out what to do with the little tyke, every time the ship's in a crisis. I don't want to traumatize the poor kid. And _so help me_, I will NOT have a little brat genius running around saving the ship every other day, like that turd Wesley Crusher!

**Tim Parsnip:** Sorry to interrupt Captain, but I'm reading bad guys off the port bow!

**Myway:** [_Sipping coffee_]BAD bad guys, or just the Kroutons again?

**Tim Parsnip:** It's…oh crap…the Vidiots!

**Myway:** [_Spits out her coffee_] Mother of Q, those guys are a genuine threat! Get us out of here!

**Fairly Dim:** Someone refresh my memory. Who are the Vidots again? They're the guys who steal organs, right?

**Myway:** That's right, Fairly. The Vidiot race specializes in running cosmic gas-stations for starships to stop at and pump fuel. Their culture revolves around cigarettes, alcohol, and lottery tickets. Their entire race is afflicted with a horrible disease that causes their bodies to decay, even as they're still alive! No one knows what caused it, and they all insist that it's got nothing to do with what they drink or smoke. They don't have any money to purchase organ donations, because they spend most it on lottery tickets. Their solution is therefore to steal organs from other species, like us.

**Tim Parsnip:** That's disgusting. I'm gonna take us into this pretty pink nebula, where they won't find us.

[_Tim flies Frogger into a very cool-looking pink nebula. Both the crew and the audience "OOoooo!"s at its beauty_.]

* * *

><p><strong>LATER: <strong>

_BOOM! ….BOOM!...BOOM!_

[_Something is hitting the ship every few seconds, making it shake. Smoke goes up; things tumble around the bridge—like crewman, engineering tools, and one of those huge bouncing balls you find in some playlands (tumbled out of the Geoffrey's Tubes)._]

**B'Zooka Tourguide (V.O.): **Tourguide to the Bridge: Your pretty nebula doesn't like us, Tim. It's kicking our asses!

**Captain Myway:** [_Pouring coffee from a spout in the wall_] What possibly could be causing that?

[_Fairly Dim tumbles by, and smacks into the wall, upside-down_.]

**Fairly Dim:** Ooo! I could go down and help B'Zooka find out! [_Pulls himself up and runs to the turbo lift_]

**Security Crewman Tito:** But Dim's not an engineer—

**Myway:** Shh! [_Whispers_] He likes to feel useful.

**Crewman Tito:** [_Mouths "Oh" and nods_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY:<strong>

[_20 crewman burst into sickbay with injuries_]

**The Doctor: **Drat! Now the baby will have to wait, as I treat these other injuries.

**Crewman Tall Celery:** Baby? Oh god, treat the baby first The Doctor! My broken bones can wait!

**The Doctor:** Really? You guys sure you don't mind?

**Crewman William Twizzler:** Dude, what do you take us for? YES, treat the baby!

**The Doctor: **All right… [_Treats the baby_] Well, I've treated the child's injuries, but her incubator is failing. The shield is losing its energy.

**Crewman Denny: **Well uh, what's so bad about that? I mean, what's the worst that could happen to a baby, just because there's no force field around—

[_Suddenly, there's another BOOM, and debris from the ship and outer space tumble into Sickbay: tools, pieces of space rock…and a green dog-like creature_.]

**Crewman Twizzler:** OH MY GOD, IT'S A SPACE-DINGO!

[_The space dingo swallows the baby in one gulp, then leaps out a window before anyone can say or do anything else. Everyone stares, stunned_. ]

**The Doctor:** [_Stomps his foot at hisses to himself_] Dammit! _Always_ have a force field around, to keep out dingoes!

[_Spam Wildthing cries. And then, the room shakes even more than before_.]

**The Doctor:** Oh no, it's another Parody Paradox! The author can't make anything funny out of a baby's death—the tasteless dingo joke notwithstanding—so now the whole spoof is collapsing! We need to fix this tragedy before this parody caves in on itself! Keish, go look around the ship for some plot twists. If we can undo the child's death with time travel or alien tech or something, we might be able to keep the author in a good enough mood to continue the episode!

**Keish:** Right! [_Grabs a first aid kit and leaves_]

* * *

><p><strong>MEN'S ROOM: <strong>

[_B'Zooka and Fairly Dim meet up. In the background, crewman type on wall panels and tumble by on the floor_.]

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Okay Star Freak, the first thing we gotta do is plug the john!

**Fairly Dim:** What do toilets have to do with any of this?

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Well you know how on a train or an airplane, the toilet is basically just a big bucket, and once in a while they press a button that opens the bottom up, sending Mr. Hankey down onto the rail tracks or plummeting through the atmosphere? Well, Star Freak ships do the same thing. It looks like someone left one of the toilets opened, and it's leaking everything from Nebula gas to asteroid chunks to space dingoes into the ship. We need to plug it up.

**Fairly Dim:** Um, okay.

**Lt. Hulk Hogan:** [_Sticks head through the door_] You guys get on that! I'll go fix that thing in the Geoffrey's Tube—that really dangerous thing that could kill me!

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Not now crewman, we're losing enough redshirts as it is.

**Lt. Hulk Hogan:** I'm not a redshirt, I'm a recurring character!

[_B'Zooka and Dim exchange a glance_]

**B'Zooka:** _Who_ are you again?

**Lt. Hulk Hogan:** I'm Lt. Hogan! An ex-Mosquito crewman! You know!

[_B'Zooka and Dim swap another glance, then slowly shake their heads_]

**Lt. Hulk Hogan:** Oh come on! Hogan! Lt. Hogan! Remember?

**B'Zooka:** [_Shrugs_] You just look like a white human male in a gold uniform, like 90% of our doomed crewmen.

**Fairly Dim:** Yeah, usually if there's a recurring character, they'll have some memorable trait…like how Lt. Forklift's a young Vulcan, and Tall Celery's a Bajerkan with ADD, Lt. Jim Carrey's obsessed with Star Freak rules, and Spam Wildthing has a kid onboard…I mean no offense, but are you sure you're not just a redshirt who the writers are throwing into random episodes over the season before killing you, to fool the audience into thinking that they're capable of killing off actual characters?

**Lt. Hulk Hogan: **Well I'm—I'm—I'm….I'm a former Mosquito! Isn't that interesting?

**B'Zooka:** Not unless you do something with it, like have a problem with authority, or just have a really tough personality.

**Lt. Hulk Hogan:** I'm a professional wrestler for Q's sake! I'm interesting! [_Slams his hand on the top of the toilet, in frustration_]

**Toilet:** _FLUUUUUSH….._

**Lt. Hulk Hogan:** Whoops.

**B'Zooka:** That toilet's not plugged yet! Grab onto something!

[_Everything is being sucked into the toilet—Engineering tools, the door to the Men's Room, crewman from the hallway, a basketball, a deck of Fizzbin cards, a TV… and Fairly Dim_!]

**B'Zooka: **Fairly! Grab my hand! I can't let you die…they might give Cakemix a promotion!

[_It's no good. Dim is ripped from B'Zooka's grasp, and spirals down the toilet, into space_]

**Fairly Dim: **I KNEW IT! I'M GOING TO DIE AN EEEENSIIIIIIIIIGN….

[_The toilet finally finishes flushing, and B'Zooka plugs it_.]

**Lt. Hogan:** … see? It could be any one of us!

[_B'Zooka stares at him. Then, Kiesh comes running in with the med kit_.]

**Kiesh**: Does someone need a med kit? Whoops! [_Trips over a dead crewman and vanishes into thin air_.]

**B'Zooka:** Well, you don't see that every day. [_Hits smiley faced com. Badge_] Tourguide to the bridge: the dweeb's dead again. And Keish has vanished into thin air.

**Myway: (V.O.)** He's dead _again_? Jeeze…so where'd the fairy princess go?

**B'Zooka**: Who knows, Never-Never Land maybe. Here, I'll try tossing this tricorder where she vanished and see what happens.

* * *

><p><strong>MEANWHILE, ABOARD ANOTHER FROGGER: <strong>

[_This U.S.S. Frogger is clean and shiny. Lt. Jim Carrey walks down the hall, when Keish comes tumbling out of the portal, knocking him to the ground_.]

**Lt. Jim Carrey:** Ah! What the heck man?!

[_B'Zooka's tricorder flies through, smacking him in the head_.]

* * *

><p><strong>MESSY FROGGER'S BRIDGE: <strong>

_BOOM! BOOM! AND BOOM!_

[_Everyone's evacuating the bridge, except Myway, who's trying to pour herself one last cup of coffee_.]

**Chevrolet:** Captain if you don't leave now you won't live to see the rush anyway!

**Captain Myway:** Oh fine.

[_As she runs to the turbo lift, she suddenly sees a ghost image of the other Frogger. She sees ghost of the other regulars working at their stations, and of herself, in the captain's chair, drinking coffee_.]

**Captain Myway:** What….?

**Chevrolet:** Captain! Hurry! What are you doing?

**Myway:** That bitch is drinking my coffee!

[_Chevrolet reaches over the railing, grabs the captain by her hair bun, and pulls her into the turbo lift_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SHINNY FROGGER: <strong>

**Myway:** Chevrolet, I just saw a ghost image of myself running to the turbo lift!

**Chevrolet:** [_Mutters_] Oh no, she found my stash.

**Myway:** Hmm?

**The Doctor: (V.O.)** Captain, we have a visitor who may be able to explain a thing or two. It's a second Keish!

**Myway:** We have two Kieshes?

[_Cakemix walks onto the bridge with refreshments, right as this conversation is happening_]

**Cakemix:** All riiight!

**Fairly Dim:** Why do I feel like somewhere, half of me just died?

* * *

><p><strong>SHINNY SICKBAY: <strong>

[_The_ _two Kieshes do an identical dance, facing each other_]

**Both Kieshes:** _When will my reflection shooow, who I am insiiiide…._

**The Doctor:** [_Groaning_] Oh my _gooood_…

**Spam Wildthing:** I'm so glad my baby is alive and healthy The Doctor! That dingo-proof force field was a lifesaver. I'll make sure to keep it on anytime she's not in my arms!

**Keish:** [_Sniff_] We weren't able to save the baby on my ship. The incubator broke, and the-the-the dingoes got through.

**Captain Myway:** What was wrong with the incubator Keish?

[_Kiesh wipes her eyes and perks up to sing_:]

**Keish:** _It really was no miracle. What happened was just this: the wind began to switch—the ship, to pitch! And suddenly the hinges started to unhitch. Then I, dumb bitch, to satisfy an itch, went running with my med kit, and right through a special rift! _

[_Twenty crewman suddenly burst in, and sing_,]

**Crewman:** _The wind began to switch! The ship began to pitch! And Keish the stupid bitch went running right through a special rift! _

**Myway:** [_Nods slowly_] I see…

* * *

><p><strong>SHINNY BRIDGE: <strong>

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Check it out Captain! It looks like the pink nebula we flew into was actually a cosmic copy machine! Every molecule in the ship has been duplicated, except the odd substances in Cakemix's cooking.

**Myway:** That means that both Froggers have been trying to use one coffee supply! That's what's making the ship go nuts!

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Munching Cheetos_] But how do we contact the other Frogger, so we can fix this?

**B'Zooka:** I don't know. Wait! [Runs _to a TV panel on the wall, and turns on UPN. On the TV they see the other Frogger's bridge_.] I'll email them, and tell them to turn on UPN too, so we can talk! [_Does_]

**GHETTO FROGGER: **

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Captain, I just got an email from, um, myself. I said I should turn on UPN, right now, so we can talk to the other Frogger.

**Captain Myway:** Do it!

[_B'Zooka turns on the TV screen. Now, both Frogger crews are looking at each other_.]

**Clean Myway:** Captain Myway, this is Captain Myway. We have your Kiesh.

**Clean Fairly Dim:** Well _this_ is confusing. Wait, where's _my_ counterpart?

**Dirty Myway:** Um…Ensign Dim is right, this _is_ confusing.

**Clean Myway:** Agreed. How about if we call _me_ Captain Myway, and _you_ Captain Highway. Just until we fix this whole problem.

**Dirty Myway/Captain Highway:** [_Looks down at her dirty self, then shrugs_.] Sounds reasonable. What we have to do is—B'Zooka, is there a problem?

**Dirty B'Zooka:** No, no. It's just that, you know, I have all those inner conflicts with myself, and now there's two, of myself, who I don't exactly like…

[_As everyone talks, the two Tim Parsnips play mirror-games, each trying to eat Cheetos or not eat Cheetos when the other is doing it. Tim is obviously confused. Meanwhile, both sets of Chevrolets and Tuvaccas stare ahead and blink, interchangeably._]

**Captain Highway:** We need to merge our ships back into one. That way we won't have to share one coffee supply between the two of us.

**Clean Myway:** Sounds good. B'Zooka, do you think we can merge the ships back together, by going back into the pink nebula?

[_Both B'Zookas are angrily punching the screen, trying to kill each other. Upon hearing Myway's words, they instantly break apart_.]

**Both B'Zookas:** Yes Captain!

**Clean Myway:** In the meantime, I'll send you your Keish back.

**Both Keishes:** _…in our pride, deep insiiide, we are ONE…_

**Captain Highway:** Actually, you can keep her if you want—

**Captain Myway:** Nice try, Frizerella.

[_Captain Myway grabs the messy Keish and tosses her back through the rift like a sack of beans. Keish lands in messy-Frogger's bridge, on her butt, and shakes her head_.]

**Captain Highway:** Okay everyone, let's try this.

* * *

><p><strong>LATER, IN MESSY ENGINEERING: <strong>

[_The Clean Frogger is visible on the wall screen_]

**Messy B'Zooka Tourguide:** We only have enough fuel to try this once, and we'll be out of firepower when we do. That's not a problem is it?

**Messy Myway:** I don't see why it would be. Unless there's something bad out there I'm forgetting.

**Both B'Zookas:** Okay, on the count of three! One…Two…Three!

**Both Tim Parsnips:** Oh crap, that was the accelerator, wasn't it! Um, can we try that aga—oh, wait….Frak.

[_Both Myways release a long groan, and lower their heads_.]

* * *

><p><strong>LATER: <strong>

[_Both Myways talk through the viewscreen on the bridge_]

**Captain Highway:** My ship's falling apart already, and we're down one regular and a cute baby. I'll do the noble thing, admit defeat, and destroy my ship. That way, yours will get the coffee supply you need to survive the journey back to Earth.

**Captain Myway**: Oh no you don't! You've been the hero quite enough today, I think. Give me fifteen minutes to come up with a better plan!

**Fairly Dim:** Um, Captains, Vidiots approaching.

**Both Myways:** What?!

[_A Vidiot vessel, sure enough, approaches the two Froggers. It's shaped like a cigarette lighter, three times Frogger's size. It traps the shinny Frogger with a massive horseshoe magnet_.]

* * *

><p><strong>ABOARD THE VIDIOT SHIP: <strong>

[_The Vidiots are hideous. They have charred, pealing skin, and dry, bristly hair. The Vidiot Captain has three cigarettes in his mouth, and is switching off between a can of beer and a bottle of Vodka_.]

**Captain Cig:** Lieutenants, I want both of you to round up a boarding party and get on that ship, pronto!

**Lt. Joint:** But there's only one of me Sir.

**Captain Cig:** [_Covers one eye_] So there is, so there is. Stupid double vision.

[_Lt. Joint leaves. Captain Cig looks out the window, and notices the ghost image of the second Frogger_.]

**Captain Cig:** Wha…? I'm seeing _quadruple_-vision now? I _need _to get this eye problem checked out! [_Takes a swig from each of his drinks_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SHINNY FROGGER:<strong>

**Captain Myway:** Looks like my ship's odds of survival just dropped 100%! Guess I'll have to make the heroic sacrifice.

**Fairly Dim:** You mean I have to die _again_?!

**Captain Myway:** No, I think I'll send my Fairly Dim and baby Wildthing over to your ship. You lost both your cutest crewmembers, so I'll give you the spares.

**Captain Highway:** Oh, all right.

[_The viewscreen goes off. Myway makes a gesture to Dim, and he hurries off the bridge_.]

**Myway: **Computer, initiate Self Destruct sequence, set to go off in ten minutes. Mute the countdown. Authorization: Myway, underscore, or, underscore, the, underscore, Highway, exclamation point.

**Chevrolet:** Well Captain, I don't mean to sound forward…but, if we really do have only ten minutes to live, and it's just you and me here, and we've got nothing to lose, we could—ahem—_do_ something, that neither of us has done, in a long, long while, to make the dying less unpleasant…

**Myway:** Couldn't agree with you more! I'll get the coffee, you get the reefers! Yes, I know about your "secret stash," Commander Peace-Pipe. And I_ don't _intend to blow up sober!

[_Myway rushes to the coffee spout with two mugs. Chevrolet sigs, and reaches under his chair for his peace pipe_.]

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY: <strong>

[_Vidiots chase down Frogger crewman through the halls. They run into Tuvacca and Lt. Tito, armed with phasers_.]

**Tuvacca:** Desist.

[_The Vidiots blow cigarette smoke into Tuvacca and Tito, making them fall to the ground, unconscious or dead.]_

**Vidiot #44:** [_Scans Tuvacca_] Vulcan, male. His ears will make fine pizza slicers.

[_Meanwhile, Tim Parsnip, Crewman Jack, and Crewman Black are running down the hall, phasers firing. The two crewman are smoked down, leaving Tim cornered by the Vidiots_.]

**Vidiot #32:** [_Scanning Parsnip_] I see you possess something that would be very useful…to one wishing to attract females!

**Tim Parsnip:** Oh FRAK no! You are NOT stealing THAT!

[_Tim punches the Vidiot and bolts, but is smoked down seconds later. Vidiot #32 then takes out a razor, shaves off Tim's wavy hair, and piles it onto his own head_.]

**Vidiot #32:** The ladies won't be able to resist me now!

**Fairly Dim:** [_Hiding behind a corner, phaser out_] Well that was disturbing. This whole experience would probably mess me up psychologically for the rest of the journey home, if I was gonna remember it a week from now. Sometimes I'm grateful to have a walnut-sized brain! [_Sees the coast is clear, and hurries towards sickbay_]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**The Doctor:** Spam, give me your baby. I'll hide her for you!

**Spam Wildthing: **Thanks so much The Doctor! Um, not to be all "gimmie gimmie," but could you maybe find a phaser for me or Keish, so we can at least do something when the Vidiots do get in here?

**Keish:** Phaser shmaser, Spam. I'll protect us with my mental powe—SWEET JEEZUS, what is that _stench_?

**Spam Wildthing: **Oh GOD it smells like…cheap beer mixed with an un-showered chain-smoker!

[_Spam and Keish both pass out, as the Vidiots enter Sickbay. The Doctor, meanwhile, is hiding behind his Orange Soda refrigerator, trying to keep the baby quiet_.]

**Vidiot #12:** This one's an Oompa Loompan! If we can harvest her mental powers somehow, we might gain the ability to predict the winning lottery numbers!

**Fairly Dim:** Or you freaks could just get a job! [_Shoots Vidiot # 12, dodges Vidiot smoke, and shoots Vidiot #5_.] Kirk action-roll! [Dives _into a roll across the floor, like Captain Kirk, coming up in front of Vidiot #14. Dim plucks 14's cigarette from his mouth, puts it back in backwards, and pushes him to the ground._]

**The Doctor:** [_Comes out of hiding._] Dim! Did we win?

**Fairly Dim:** No. Myway's blowing up the ship. I have to take baby Wildthing to the other Frogger, so they can have a full cast again!

**The Doctor:** Depressing, but reasonable. Here!

[_The Doctor tosses the baby like a football. Dim catches her; the baby's forehead horns poke his shoulder_.]

**Dim:** Ow!

**The Doctor:** Hurry, you haven't much time!

[_Dim runs down the hallway, towards the special rift, the baby bouncing against him_.]

**Dim:** Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow…

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

[_Vidiots burst onto the bridge, to find Captain Myway and Chevrolet sitting calmly in their chairs. Exotic music echoes around the room. Myway and Chevrolet wear purple sunglasses, are drinking coffee, and taking turns smoking from the peace pipe, while watching the swirling colorful nebula on the viewscreen_.]

**Chevrolet:** I'll hand it to you Kathryn, you picked on psychedelic nebula for us to die in.

**Vidiot #22:** Wha…?

**Myway:** Pick a seat, boys. The show's about to get a lot bigger and brighter!

_**KWA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**_

* * *

><p><strong>GHETTO FROGGER (HALLWAY):<strong>

**Captain Myway:** Well, I guess I'm not "Captain Highway" anymore.

[_Fairly Dim runs through the special rift, holding baby Wildthing_.]

**Farily Dim:** I made it! Oh my god I made it! And you guys, you're all alive again! You're alive Tim!

**Tim Parsnip:** You're butt's on fire.

[_Dim glances down at his flaming booty. B'Zooka comes up with a bucket of water and puts it out. Dim's "Mystery Science Theater 3000" boxers are now visible, but he is otherwise undamaged_.]

**Spam Wildthing:** You saved my daughter! [_Takes her baby_.] I think I'll name her after that actress from "The Ring."

**Fairly Dim:** Captain, what should I make of all this? I mean, my friends all died, but you guys are exactly the same as them, so it's like there's no difference…but does that mean there's a whole other Frogger crew in Heaven? Or are they gonna follow us like ghosts and haunt us for the rest of the voyage? Or maybe when they died, their souls just re-merged back into us again! It's weird.

**Myway:** Get used to it, Dweeb. "Weird" is part of the job!

[_The doors of Sickbay open, and The Doctor peeks out_.]

**The Doctor:** Say Ensign Dim, this other Doctor aboard your Frogger, did he by any chance have…hair?

[_Everyone laughs in a corny, heartwarming way, while The Doctor walks off grumbling_.]

**THE END **


	19. Mortal Coil

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Morbid Foil" **

(Spoofing "Mortal Coil," Season 4)

**Summary: **_Cakemix miraculously dies, but is tragically revived by Telephone Line._

* * *

><p><strong>TELEPHONE LINE'S CARGO BAY: <strong>

[_Cakemix is packing supplies for an away mission._]

**Cakemix: **Hello Telephone Line! Are yousa excited about the Talaxian Honor the Family holiday this week?

**Telephone Line:** No. [_Picks up a Freshmen Civics textbook, and heads for her Bored regeneration desk_]

**Cakemix:** Mesa excited for the holiday, and the away mission today! Gotta go say goodbye to Naomi Wildthing! Yousa have a good night!

**Telephone Line:** Whether the night is good or bad is irrelevant, as I plant to be unconscious for most of it. [_Sits down at her regeneration desk. Opens the Civics book. Looks down at it, and immediately falls face-first into the book, snoring_.]

* * *

><p><strong>WILDTHING QUARTERS: <strong>

**Naomi Wildthing:** Cakemix, I think there are monsters in the replicator.

**Cakemix:** Weeeell, I'll just take a look-see. [_He peeks into the replicator, and the Alien pops out, growling and chomping its teeth. Cakemix is surprised, but beats it down with a baseball bat_.] Well…I think mesa can make some soup or casserole out of this thing. You see Naomi, it was all good in the end.

**Naomi Wildthing:** Will the monster's feelings be hurt if we eat it?

**Cakemix:** Naw. It's part of the big Circle of Life! Wesa all gonna die. And when we do, we wake up again in the Great Forest, and meets the Great Prince of the Forest, and feast upon pie made by the Great Pumpkin…

**Naomi Wildthing:** [_Snoring_]

**Spam Wildthing:** Only you can get her to sleep Cakemix!

[_Cakemix bids Spam goodnight, and leaves, dragging the dead Alien by the tail_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLE CRAFT:<strong>

[_Chevrolet, Tim Parsnip, and Cakemix are on an away mission._]

**Tim Parsnip: **I think we should invent a super-strong shuttlecraft for dangerous missions like this one. I mean, we're flying into a turbulent nebula filled with lightning to try and collect some caffeine particles for the ship's coffee brewer. That's important work, and we can't afford to keep losing shuttle crafts and crewmen for it.

**Chevrolet:** [_Pounds consol_] Dammit! That's what I forgot. I was going to bring one or two crewman, just in case the Rule of Drama decides someone in this shuttle must die today. Guess we'll just have to be extra careful.

**Cakemix:** Mesa invented coffee, you know. For the Oompa Loompans, anyway. See, my fell in love with da princess of the Oompa Loompas, and her father demanded coffee as payment for her hand, so mesa flew around the region and did trading to get the materials, then gave up and just stole some coffee from the Kroutons. Theysa no liken' that, and I was chased until I crash landed on Oompa Loompa's desert surface. Then I met Keish, and forgot all about Princess Whats-her-face! And yousa tried to steal Keish from me Tim, do yousa remember that? You, the swearing, adventurous, flyboy were attracted to that ESP fairy princess, and mesa still not very happy at you for trying to take her Tim! But it's okay, cuz yousa a fun guy. Even though you are wrong about pizza—that stuff is NOT that good. My friend Twix once tried that stuff, and snorted some sauce up his nose because he was laughing at a joke I told, and he got a 3rd degree burn cuz dat stuff is HOT! This shuttle is bumpy! Like a Kourton! I hate the Kroutons. Theysa a mean bunch. I once tried to talk peace into them by singing this song my brother taught me_: I looove you, you love me, wesa one happy faaamiiilyyyyy—_

[_By now, Chevrolet is smacking himself in the face repeatedly with his PADD; Tim's eye is twitching, and his face is turning red_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** GAAAAAOH MY GOD CAKEMIX SHUT UUUUUP!

[_Tim, in a rage, grabs Cakemix's throat and wrings his neck. Realizing that Cakemix is dead, Tim lets go, reverting back to his normal self_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Um…Oops.

**Chevrolet:** …..So…lets' hurry up and get those caffeine particles then.

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**The Doctor: **So Mr. Cakemix was struck by lighting right around his neck, and nowhere else?

**Tim Parsnip:** Erm, yeah, [_Tugs collar nervously_]

**Chevrolet:** It was one of those one-in-a-million freak-accidents.

**Captain Myway:** [_Sniff_] Poor Cakemix, alas. He'll be missed terribly. Well, best not waste any time. We must give him a proper burial, and find a less annoying character to fill his slot on the show. Ensign Forklift maybe, or Lt. Carrey…we can hold auditions this evening. Let's give Cakemix open casket visitations in the Mess Hall, and we'll bury him with his spatula—

**Telephone Line: **That won't be necessary, Captain. My Bored nanoprobes are capable of reviving a person who has been dead for up to 72 hours.

[_Myway, Chevrolet, Tim, and The Doctor stand there, with frozen expressions of very thinly repressed rage_.]

**Myway:** Thank you….Telephone….Go ahead The Doctor…wake him up.

**The Doctor:…**My…..pleasure.

[_The Doctor dims the lights. He and Telephone put on goggles and lab coats, and hook Cakemix's head up to an odd device that looks like a Bored coffee brewer. They stand on a metal platform, along with Cakemix's biobed, that raises high up off the floor. A doorway opens in the ceiling, and they raise up into outer space, into the lightning storm of the nebula. The lightning strikes the Bored coffee machine, and it begins to bubble and brew, sending glowing green fluid into Cakemix's head. The Doctor cackles madly, while Telephone stares, impassive. They are then lowered back to the floor, and the ceiling closes_.]

**The Doctor:** [_Lifts his goggles_] Mr. Cakemix, can you hear me?

[_Cakemix remains motionless, but finally gives a tiny, barely audible fart_.]

**The Doctor:** HE'S ALIIIIIIIIIVE!

**Myway:** Congratulations Mr. Cakemix. You're the first regular character to die before the theme song!

**Cakemix:** Mesa died? But why didn't my see the afterlife?

**Chevrolet:** Maybe you weren't dead long enough.

**Tim Parsnip:** Or, um, maybe something as awesome as the Afterlife isn't just the kind of everyday thing you'd remember after returning, like a trip to the park? We don't even remember most of our dreams, why would be remember—

**Cakemix:** No! If my didn't see it, it wasn't there!

**Myway:** Maybe the Family Honor Celebration will make you feel better, Cakemix. Come on, let's get to the Mess Hall.

* * *

><p><strong>MESS HALL: <strong>

**Tuvacca:** On this day, we remember our family members. It is a bitter-sweet day, for those of us who have lost loved ones. Such as Mr. Cakemix, whose family was wiped out in a war. Or Telephone Line, whose parents were assimilated. Or Naomi Wildthing, who's never met her father. Or Ensign Spam Wildthing, whose husband is lightyears away. Or Captain Myway herself, whose father drowned under an icecap. Or Commander Chevrolet, whose father died fighting Cargassians. Or B'Zooka Tourgiude, who's father abandoned her and whose relationship with her mother can only be described as "bad blood." Or Lt. Jim Carrey, who's been parted from his wife and two sons. Or The Doctor, who never had a family to begin with. Or….[_Stares at the list in his hand ,then loses his Vulcan composure._] DAMN! No wonder this ship is a floating psycho ward!

[_Everyone loses interest in the speech, and starts to snack and mingle_. _Fairly Dim hesitantly tries a piece of the Alien Roast. A moment later a baby alien tears out of his stomach and runs away growling. Fairly tosses the rest of his Alien meat in the trash, then goes to find The Doctor._]

**Spam Wildthing:** …well, I do like partaking in the ship's adventures, but parenthood is a lot of work. I'm thinking of quitting my job as a Recurring Character, and taking on a shift as a Background Crewman. The Regulars can still mention my name, and the audience can still see a blonde woman in a green uniform and presume it's me.

**The Doctor:** That sounds like a nice, low-stress job.

**Telephone Line:** When children are assimilated into the Collective, they are put into maturation chambers.

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Snickering_] Hey, that sounds like fun! Can I go to one of those chambers?

**Telephone Line:** I said _matur-_ation chamber, lieutenant, not—

**Spam Wildthing:** IIIII'm gonna go check on Naomi…[Mutters] make sure she hasn't gotten too far ahead in her _biology_ course….

**The Doctor:** Telephone, I think our next social lesson will be about detecting immature jokes.

[_Fairly Dim pokes the Doctor's shoulder. Dim points to the hole in his torso, and then points to the roast Alien on the snack table. The Doctor quickly tosses the entire roast into a trashcan, and hurries off to sickbay with Dim._]

**Chevrolet: **You seem down, Cakemix. You haven't annoyed a single person tonight. Is something wrong?

**Cakemix:** Mesa died, and my didn't see the afterlife. No Great Forest…not my sister Broomhilda…and not even the Big Swirly Tree!

**Chevrolet:** Cakemix, have you ever used a device that allowed you to visit your own subconscious? See visions, ask questions you're normally afraid to ask, that sort of thing?

**Cakemix:** Oh yeah, mesa friend Twix and I tried some Spice once when visiting the planet Arakis! Wesa seeing all KINDS of crazy stuff—

**Chevrolet:** No—you id—I'm talking about my Indian Vision Quests. I haven't had a customer in almost two seasons.

* * *

><p><strong>CHEVROLET'S QUARTERS: <strong>

[_Cakemix and Chevrolet sit on the floor, next to a tiny sign that reads, "Vision Quests: 50 Cents._]

**Chevrolet:** So, like I explained before, your Medicine Bundle isnt' actually supposed to have medicine in it. I've actually had people pack it with Ibuprofen and cough drops and saltine crackers and the like…So. What did you bring for your medicine bundle?

**Cakemix:** Mesa have a flower from Keish's garden, my favorite spatula, and a model of the Big Swirly Tree. [_Produces a plastic model of Disney's Tree of Life, complete with action figures of Simba, Bambi, Baloo, and Pongo_.]

**Chevrolet:** Aaand now the Indian Theme Music. [_Turns on his record player_]

**Record Player:** Ma milkshake brings all the boys to the yard—

[_Chevrolet hastily pulls the record out and turns it over. The record player now plays his Indian flute music, and Cakemix drifts into the otherworld…_]

**Cakemix:** Wow, this looks like Frogger, but all swirly and creepy-like….

[_Cakemix stumbles through the dark Mess Hall. Frogger crewman laugh and mingle, in the creepiest way possible. Everyone's com. Badges are shaped like spirals, and the cakes at the snack table have spiraled frosting designs. Tim Burton is in the crowd, giving director's instructions, with enthusiasm. In the crowd, Cakemix sees his dead sister Broomhilda_!]

**Cakemix:** Broomhilda! Captain, where did mesa sister go?

**Myway:** The dead broad? She went out there, to the forest.

**Cakemix: **Broonhilda, wait for mesa!

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Echoing_] It's a lie, Cakemix!

**Fairly Dim:** [_Echoing_] You belong dead!

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** [_Echoing_] Why are only senior officers talking to you? Would it have killed them to just pay a few background extras to play random friends of yours, for this one scene?

**Keish:** [_Echoing_] Can I be in this flashback….? [_Is pushed out of view, by Tim Burton, who shakes his head "no."_]

[Cakemix shoves past them and runs out the doors, into the Great Forest. The forest is dark, and creepy. Giant plastic Disney toys watch Cakemix, with creepy puppet-like eyes.]

**Simba:** It's a liiiiiiie!

**Bambi:** Kiiiiiiill yourseeeeelf!

**Broomhilda:** I'm dead Cakemix.

[_Behind her is a Snow White-esque coffin, where a body is covered by a sheet. It sits up, holding a bouquet of cartoony flowers, and is…Cakemix_!]

**Dead Cakemix:** Yousa died on that mission Cakemix!

**Cakemix:** NOOOOOOOO! [_bursts awake_]

**Chevrolet:** No offense Cakemix, but next time, try to avoid the "Big No." These vision quest scenes are corny enough.

**NEXT DAY, MESSHALL:**

**Chevrolet: **Cakemix, you can't just do one vision quest and be done. It takes weeks to get the ritual right.

**Cakemix:** Mesa FINE, Corvette. My no lost touch with things! [_Throwing spoons and forks into his boiling pot of soup_.]

**Chevrolet:** Well, when you feel like you're up to it, let me know.

[_Chevrolet leaves. As soon as he's gone, Cakemix takes out a PADD, and begins to fill out his will._]

**Cakemix:** Mesa leave my kitchen to Tim, so he can make pizza; my spatula to The Doctor, to use for oil painting; my Disney tree to Naomi Wildthing; and my chef hat to Mr. Boredom, because he looks great in it.

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

**Fairly Dim:** Captain, it looks like Cakemix is trying to beam himself into that nebula. He'll fry up like one of his own flambé!

**Myway: **What a shame. It's probably too late to try and stop him, and if we did no doubt we could lose more lives along the way. No, I won't risk more lives. I order everyone to just stay put. [Sips coffee.]

[_Chevrolet sits in his chair, twitching slightly. Myway notices, and remembers his rebellion-addiction_.]

**Myway:** Commander…don't….even…no, NO! Stop, that's an OR—I mean, I mean I order you TO save Cake—GET BACK HERE—

[_Chevrolet pulls his mutiny sword out from under his chair and skips to the turbo lift before Myway can stop him_.]

* * *

><p><strong>TRANSPORTER ROOM 1: <strong>

**Chevrolet:** Cakemix stop! Dying is just a part of being a Regular, it's something you have to learn to deal with.

**Cakemix:** No! Mesa have no purpose on this ship! When has mesa annoyingness helped anything around here?

* * *

><p><strong>WILDTHING QUARTERS:<strong>

[_Spam Wildthing walks slowly through the dark room. A figure sits on the ground, covered in a sheet, playing with a puppet toy_.]

**Hidden Figure:** La la la la la…

**Spam Wildthing:** Who are you? Where's my daughter?

**Hidden Figure:** Are you mad? I AM your daughter.

[_Spam pulls the sheet off, and finds Wesley Crusher. She lets out a blood-curdling scream_.]

* * *

><p><strong>TRANSPORTER ROOM:<strong>

**Cakemix: **In mesa vision question, yousa and everyone else on Frogger said I should be dead!

**Chevrolet:** You misinterpreted the symbols, Cakemix. The spirits weren't trying to tell you that we want you dead; it's just the _fans_ who want you to die!

**Spam Wildthing: (V.O.):** Wildthing to Cakemix! Cakemix, are you there? I couldn't find you earlier, so no one was there to bore Naomi to sleep like usual. She wandered off somewhere and now Wesley Crusher somehow wound up in her place! He keeps bragging that no one could be more insufferably annoying that he is, but I know you can beat him Cakemix, oh help us pleeeease!

[_Spam breaks down into hysterics. In the background, one can hear Wesley, blabbing about scientific theories and how he's used them to save the Freedomfries (Enterprise)_.]

**Chevrolet: **I bet I know someone who can out-annoy that insufferable boy-genius bastard. [_Smiles_.]

* * *

><p><strong>WILDTHING QUARTERS: <strong>

[_Wesley babbles on, while Spam and Naomi huddle in a corner together, terrified_.]

**Wesley Crusher:** …to the plasmic relay quasmatics, which is how I saved the Enterprise on Tuesday. And then on Wednesday, when Counselor Trite was trying to help Commander Wart through insecurity issues, I was able to calculate the number of aggression-producing partition chemicals in his Clingon brain, which was crucial to saving the ship when he got possessed by a—

**Cakemix:** [_Bursts into the room_] Oh muy muy me LOOOOVE YOU!

**Wesley Crusher:** …..I don't know who your are Fish Face, but your Barney routine is not match for a boy-genius bastar—

**Cakemix:** Yousa save the ship? Wesa owen' you our LIVES! Mesa your humble servant! Tis demanded by da GODS it is! Come, lets sing!_ I loooove yoooou, yooou love me, wesa one happy familyyyyyy…_

[_Wesley howls in agony, then finally deflates like a balloon, and zips around the room until winking out of existence. Cakemix then tucks Naomi into bed_.]

**Naomi Wildthing:** Cakemix, tell me about the Great Forest.

**Cakemix:** Well, da Great Fo—

**Naomi:** [_Snooooore…_.]

[_Cakemix smiles, and leaves the room. Naomi meanwhile dreams that she is sitting in the forest, snuggling with a cute, cartoon Simba and Bambi_.]

**THE END**


	20. The Voyager Conspiracy

**A/N: There is no previous draft of this episode. This is just one I really wanted to do, but never got around to. Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>SPOOF TREK: FROGGER<strong>

"**The Frogger Conspiracy"**

(Spoofing "The Voyager Conspiracy," Season 6)

**Summary: **_Telephone Line downloads an entire website of fan theories into her hard-drive, and gets paranoid._

* * *

><p><strong>Scene 1: Telephone Line's Cargo Bay <strong>

[_Naomi Wildthing watches Telephone work at a computer panel._]

**Naomi Wildthing: **But Telephone, you promised you'd teach me how to play Fizzbin!

**Telephone Line:** [_blue catsuit_] Indeed I did. But first I had to look up the game's rules. It took me twenty-six hours, fourteen minutes and five seconds, but I finally located a basic overview of the game, on a fan website. This website provides great insight into our world.

**Naomi Wildthing: **What website's that?

[_Naomi peers over and sees the webpage: Television Tropes & Idioms_.]

**Telephone Line: **I intend to use this website to the ship's advantage.

**Naomi Wildthing:** …I'm a "Little Miss Snarker," and you're a "Miss Fanservice?" What's "Fanserv—" [_Reads on_] Oh. Well, if you're busy, I guess we can play Fizzbin tomorrow. 'Nite!

**Telephone: **'Nite.

[_Naomi leaves, and Telephone sits down at her regeneration desk, and begins to snore_.]

* * *

><p><strong>MYWAY'S QUARTERS: <strong>

[_Captain Myway and Commander Chevrolet are eating Chinese take-out and wine_]

**Myway:** I gotta hand it to you Chevrolet, pretending we're secretly an item and having dates, so no one will question why we don't eat Cakemix's food in the cafeteria, _was_ a good idea! And if anyone asks why we aren't getting any closer, we can just say that it's against Star Freak policy for us to fraternize!

**Chevrolet:** But we're doing it for the good of the crew, you know. After all, where would the ship be if its captain _and_ first officer keeled over from food poisoning? We have to think of the greater good, after all!

[_Meanwhile, back in the mess hall, Ensign Fairly Dim stares at his bowl of green goo; it stares back with three unblinking eyeballs_.]

**Chevrolet:** By the way Kathryn, I was wondering if you'd mind taking a little detour from our journey home to check out a nebula. The colors are really something—it'd make a better lava lamp than even the Warp Core!

**Myway:** And Keish's garden is nowhere in sight…

**Chevrolet:** [_Clears throat_] But, it might be a nice place to, you know, remind ourselves of how our two crews once made peace… [_With his chopstick, makes a gesture like smoking a peace pipe_]

**Myway:** [_Face brightens_] Couldn't agree with you more! Permission granted!

**B'Zooka Tourguide: (V.O.)** Captain and Sidekick to the bridge.

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** [_Annoyed_] Captain, I need permission to shut off the Technobabble Relay Conundrum.

**Myway:** What on Earth for?

**Telephone Line:** [_Blue catsuit with white clouds_] There is a colony of alien insects growing inside it, Captain. I realized this after I downloaded information into my brain during my regeneration cycle. One month ago when Frogger encountered a freighter from the Commonwealth of Nine-Legged Insect People, Mr. Cakemix traded nine of his Talaxian floral socks to the captain in exchange for a crate of their alien fruit. Cakemix then stored this fruit in the mess hall. The Nine-Legged Commonwealth is known for keeping fleas as pets, and the temperature of this fruit is appropriate for fostering the fleas' larva. At the same time, Ensign Dim was repairing the Technobabble Relay Conundrum, whilst eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Ensign Dim is a sloppy eater. Once the fleas hatched from their eggs in the fruit, the sought the first form of nutrients they could find—namely, the smeared P.B. and J. They have been breeding in the Technobabble Relay Whatever.

**Myway: **Sounds far-fetched, but let's take a look.

[_They do. Sure enough, deep within the Technobabble wires and lights and buttons, fosters a colony of tiny winged insects, building dirt pyramids and harvesting crumbs of food_.]

**Myway: (V.O.) **Captain's log, stardate 193059838213092. Telephone Line's new ability to assimilate fan theories about our show from the internet has proven very useful so far! I don't see what could possibly go wrong. In other news, we have a new alien visitor named Mash, who may be able to help us get closer to Earth.

* * *

><p><strong>THE NEVER-READY-ON-TIME ROOM: <strong>

[_The senior staff is meeting with an alien, who looks like a purple, spotted, parasaurolophus in a hood. They hold the discussion over coffee and snacks, Frogger supplying the coffee, and Mash supplying the snacks. The senior staff looks at the bowl of sticks and leaves hesitantly, while Mash munches away_.]

**Mash: **I'm from a planet five years from here. [_Dipping his leaves in his coffee_] I was involved in a sort of space-race, to invent a fast means of space travel, before the Commies on the Crab People planet could beat us to it. So I invented this giant slingshot that could propel a starship lightyears within seconds! But there was a problem…

**Tim Parsnip:** … you broke the Warp 10 barrier! That's why you look like a mutant lizard!

**Mash:** Huh?

**Captain Myway:** Excuse us, just one moment.

[_Myway pulls Tim out of the room, and a loud, violent punch is heard. They return, Tim nursing a throbbing black eye_.]

**Myway:** You were saying, Mr. Mash?

**Mash:** I don't know how to aim. That's the flaw I need to work out, with my slingshot device.

**Myway: **Tell you what Mash; we'll help you perfect your device with our superior technology, and all we ask in return is that you let us use it to get a little closer to home!

**Mash: **Sounds good!

* * *

><p><strong>LATER, IN TELEPHONE LINE'S CARGO BAY: <strong>

[_Telephone snores at her regeneration desk. Suddenly, she bolts awake, and hits her smiley-faced com badge_]

**Telephone Line: **Telephone Line to Captain Myway. Captain, Mash has lied to you about his slingshot device.

**ENGINEERING: **

**Myway: **So, Mr. Mash. Your slingshot operates on dangerous dodecahedron particles, and not harmless quadruped plasma abstract like you told us?

**Mash:** Forgive my lies Captain Myway. I see this region of space is strange to you. Here in the Dipwad Quadrant, it is customary to greet newcomers by acting peaceful and welcoming while harboring sinister plots for them to figure out. It's sort an initiation thing…like college hazing.

[_Everyone stares_.]

**Chevrolet:** [_Mutters_] That…explains…_so_…much…

**Myway:** I'll forgive you Mash. But from now on, we do it MYway, and Myway is the honest way.

* * *

><p><strong>ASS-TROMETRICS LAB: <strong>

[_Chevrolet enters. Waiting for him is Telephone Line (in a blue leopard-spotted catsuit)]_

**Chevrolet: **You wanted to speak to me, Telephone?

**Telephone Line: **Yes. Computer, seal the doors. Erect a level ten force field around Ass-Trometrics, and mute all sound from this room on the com system.

[_Chevrolet raises his eyebrows, and smiles. While Telephone hammers wooden boards over the doors, he looks around for a spot to sit. He hops up onto the platform below the ass-trometrics screen, and leans back in a sexy pose. While Telephone covers the wooden boards with duct tape, he opens up the jacket of his uniform, and pulls some strands of hair over his face.]_

**Telephone Line:** Commander, I have urgent news to discuss with you.

**Chevrolet:** [_Smiling_] Does it involve your quest to connect with your humanity?

**Telephone Line:** No. It involves Captain Myway.

[_Chevrolet's face brightens even more. He mouths, "ménage de trios?" Telephone stares at him, not understanding, then continues_.]

**Telephone Line: **I've unconverted a conspiracy, Commander. I believe that Captain Myway stranded Frogger in the Dipwad Quadrant on purpose. I believe Star Freak sent her here, to establish a military base in the Dipwad Quadrant.

**Chevrolet:** [_Hopefully_] And that means that we have to show everyone how to make love, and not war?

**Telephone Line:** Stardate 12345: Captain Myway destroys the Flambé, Frogger's only hope at returning home to Earth, supposedly to protect the Oompa Loompa people from the Kroutons. But the Kroutons were obviously a primitive race of blockheads with very little experience with technology, and it would have taken them a while to figure out how the Flambé worked; why not help the Oompa Loompas relocate, or set up some kind of defense, and then use the Flambé to get back to Earth? Or, why not use the Flambé to get home, but before leaving, set up timed explosive devices around it, so it would be destroyed after Frogger was gone? Did the Captain have an idiot moment, or did she _want_ to stay in the Dipwad Quadrant?

**Chevrolet:** You…didn't summon me here for sex, did you.

**Telephone Line:** Stardate 8675309: Captain Myway forms an alliance with the Kroutons.

**Chevrolet:** Actually, that stupid idea was mine. [_Sits up, pushes his hair back over his face, and closes up his uniform_.]

**Telephone Line:** Stardate 8888988: Captain Myway makes an alliance with the Bored. Stardate 3.114159: Captain Myway makes peace with Species 12345. Is the captain really just a peace-loving hippie, or is she trying to create a new federation of planets in the Dipwad Quadrant? Keish noted that the Janitor had been behaving oddly before he died. Stardate 54321: Myway allows Kesih to leave Frogger. Was the captain trying to silence her? Stardate 90099…

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING:<strong>

[_B'Zooka is happily pushing buttons, pulling leavers, and smashing things with a hammer, when Chevrolet taps her shoulder_.]

**Chevrolet:** B'Zooka, I'd like you to slow down the modifications on Mash's slingshot machine, until I can figure some things out. Don't tell anyone, but there might be a conspiracy aboard this ship. Don't trust any of the Star Freaks for now.

**B'Zooka Tourguide: **Mosquito vs. Star Freak _again_? Why don't we try someone else for once, like, humans vs. non-humans, or Airhead Quadrant natives vs. newcomers who joined the ship later, or something?

**Fairly Dim:** Hey guys, what're you talking about? Are we playing volley ball or something?

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Uh…

**Chevrolet:** Never mind, Fairly. It's just another conspiracy, someone's probably possessed by an alien or something. You know how it is. [_Pushes Dim out the door, into the hall_]

**Fairly Dim: **That sure seemed weird,

**Telephone Line: **[_Green catsuit covered in __**?**__s_] Ensign Dim! Speak of this to no one. But I believe Commander Chevrolet is planning to steal Tim Parsnip from you.

**Fairly Dim: **Huh?

**Telephone Line: **Ever since Episode 1, Tim Parsnip has inadvertently revealed feelings for both you and the Commander. Stardate 12345: Lt. Parsnip volunteers on a dangerous mission, despite being a self-serving mercenary, saying "I'd hate to see anything happen to Fairly." But that same day, Parsnip also risks his life to perform a dangerous and romantic rescue of Commander Chevrolet. Stardate 33415: While the away team is exploring the galactic cheese-ball, Lt. Parsnip is given conflicting orders from both the captain and Chevrolet, and chooses to obey Chevrolet. Was the lieutenant's judgment clouded? Stardate—

**Fairly Dim:** Telephone, Tim's in love with _B'Zooka_,

**Telephone Line: **The one person who is like a daughter to Commander Chevrolet. A scenario comparable to the '80s song "Stacy's Mom"…

[_Fairly Dim backs away, horrified with realization, and runs off, distressed_.]

**Telephone Line: **[_Hits com badge_] Telephone line to Myway: Please meet me in Ass-Trometrics.

[_One the way down the hall, Telephone crosses paths with Ensign Spam Wildthing and Vulcan Ensign Forklift_.]

**Telephone Line: **Ensign Wildthing, I would advise that you keep your daughter away from Mr. Cakemix until she has hit puberty. Stardate 12435: Cakemix comes aboard Frogger, bringing along his _one-year-old lover _Keish. Stardate 33333: Cakemix and Keish's relationship ends, Keish now at age _three_. Stardate 44568: Cakemix begins to befriend Naomi Wildthing, who is now about one year old…

**Spam Wildthing:** [_Wide-eyed_] I always wondered why he never moved on after Keish! [_Runs off_]

**Telephone Line:** Ensign Forklift, do not waste your efforts on Ensign Wildthing. She is already having a secret love affair with Lt. Carrey. Season 1: Carrey and Wildthing are regular recurring characters. Season 2: Regular recurring characters, often seen in the same scenes together. Season 3: both get less screentime. Was Wildthing just busy with parenthood, or were she and Carry sneaking off to be alone more and more?

**Forklift: **…Drat. [_Walks off, disappointed_.]

[_Telephone is almost to Ass-trometrics, when she runs into three crewman_.]

**Telephone Line:** Crewman #13. A Caucasian, human, male, with no name. Not interesting in personality enough to be a character, and not interesting enough in appearance to be a regular background-walker. Your purpose in this series is clear. I would suggest writing out your will as soon as you reach your quarters.

[_She walks into Ass-trometrics, leaving the three crewmen confused. They shrug, and walk off, talking about "Battlestar Galactica." As they do, a computer panel on the wall creaks, comes loose, and falls onto Crewman #13's head, killing him. The other two crewmen glace at his corpse, and keep walking and talking_.]

* * *

><p><strong>ASS-TROMETRICS:<strong>

**Myway: **What've you got for me, Telephone? Has Mash been lying to us again?

**Telephone Line:** No. Commander Chevrolet has.

**Myway:** Telephone, Chevrolet is my first officer. My best friend. There is no one on this ship I trust more.

**Telephone Line:** All the more drama for the writers to work with, when they reveal him to be a traitor. When you and Lt. Tuvacca were aboard the Flambé and set it to self-destruct—

**Myway:** That was Tuvacca's fault!

**Telephone Line:** —Tuvacca destroyed the Flambé on purpose. Because while you _thought_ he was a double agent, working for Star Freak and only pretending to work for the Mosquitoes, he was in fact a _triple _agent, working for the Mosquitoes while pretending to work for Star Freak pretending to work for the Mosquitoes!

**Myway: **Why would the Mosquitoes want Frogger stranded in the Dipwad Quadrant?

**Telephone Line:** The official goal of the Mosquito rebellion was to rebel against boring, technobabble-based sci-fi, and strive for a more battle-oriented, "Star Wars"-esque brand of sci-fi. Stranding a ship in a hostile, unfamiliar quadrant would accomplish this quite nicely.

**Myway:** No. I don't believe it.

**Telephone:** Stardate 56662: Chevrolet rebels against your orders for the first time, inspiring a trend that every major character aboard this ship will continue thought the journey. Was he trying to spice up the series? Stardate 44444: Chevrolet talks Mr. Cakemix out of committing suicide, ensuring an anger-inducing headache for everyone on the ship, for the rest of the journey. Stardate 2212: Ensign Salsa impregnates a cowboy from another series with Chevrolet's DNA. Was this a subtle hint from her that Chevrolet should "make love, not war"? Stardate 51274: Chevrolet punches one of his own men. And _today,_ he requested we visit a dangerous nebula, no doubt claiming he was only interested in the pretty colors. Am I correct?

[_Myway stares, with her infamous puppy-dog eyes, listening intently to Telephone's theory_…]

* * *

><p><strong>CARGO BAY: <strong>

[_Captain Myway is alone in the Cargo Bay, using the computer panel. She is reading the TV Tropes page for "Spoof Trek: Frogger."]_

**Myway:** My god, there are so many crazy fan theories here…and a lot of them really seem plausible!

**Chevrolet:** [_Enters_] What are you up to now, Kathryn? Looking for new allies?

**Myway:** What would I need allies for, Chevrolet? Should I be expecting some sort of mutiny?

**Chevrolet:** Maybe you should! You got us stranded here on purpose, to take over the Dipwad Quadrant!

**Myway: **Chevrolet, if I was gonna conquer some region of space, I'd make sure it had more planets that grew cocoa beans. Now who gave you a stupid idea like that?

**Chevrolet:** Telephone Line! She assimilated the evidence from her new favorite website! You can read the accusations right…um…here… [_Reads some of the TV Tropes theories_] I'm planning a Mosquito battle in the Dipwad Quadrant? With…my lover, Tim Parsnip?!

**Myway:** [_Reading too_] And apparently Salsa and the Bored Queen are the same person…and in a lesbian relationship with Telephone Line…while also being her long-lost mother…

[_Both squint at the screen in confusion. Myway scrolls up, and at the top of the page, in tiny, fine print, reads: WARNING: THESE THEORIES ARE A RESULT OF TOO MUCH CAFFEINE, AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. Myway and Chevrolet slowly look at each other._]

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY:<strong>

[_Telephone Line marches through the hall (catsuit designed like an old map of Earth). Naomi Wildthing catches up to her_.]

**Naomi Wildthing:** Hey Telephone, where are you going?

**Telephone Line:** That is not your concern, suspicious child. [_Stops_] Your father was a Rhinoceros Man.

**Naomi Wildthing: **Yeah? So?

**Telephone Line: **The Rhinoceros People were part of the Federation…but were sympathetic to the Mosquitoes. Who are you working for, the Captain or Chevrolet?

**Naomi Wildthing:** Well, I want to be Captain's Assistant, but first I have to cozy up to Commander Chevrolet so I can poison him, before getting his job…so I guess…both?

**Telephone Line: **Tell them that their time is up!

**Naomi Wildthing:** But Cakemix said you're not _supposed _to tell people you're putting toxic chemicals in their casserole until after they eat it, or it ruins the surpri—

**Telephone: **GO!

[_Naomi runs off, scared. Telephone continues into the shuttle bay, the doors shutting behind her. A moment later, she crashes back through the doors in a shuttle craft, and continues down the hall, crashing through the wall and flying off into space_.]

**Fairly Dim:** [V.O.] Dim to Myway, the drone ran away again.

**Myway:** [_Mutters_] God dammit.

[_She and Chevrolet rush out of the cargo bay. As they run through the halls, crewmembers are fighting, and throwing accusations at each other_.]

**Spam Wildthing:** Just keep your creepy little fish-hands off Naomi, you pervert!

**Cakemix:** What yousa talking about Spam? Mesa don't even _have_ a sex-drive anymore! My warp-core hasn't been online since my hittin' Talaxian man-opause two years ago!

**Crewman Twizzler:** I know you're Salsa's little sister in disguise Tall, so you can stop pretending you have a crush on me to get my Star Freak information! And I know about your Romulan friend too! [_Points at Forklift_.]

**Tall Celery: **Stop trying to pin it on me, alien! You're a member of Species 12345 in disguise, and you're scared to go on away missions because your disguise is only stable as long as you're near the ship's Warp Core!

**The Doctor: (V.O.)** The Doctor to Myway. Captain, it looks like Telephone Line has downloaded more fan theories from the Internet than her cerebral cortex can manage! In short, she's having another breakdown.

**Lt. Jim Carrey:** I can't believe I've been off-screen all this time because YOU locked me in a Geoffrey's Tube to keep me out of your Engine Room! See how you like it, Freaky Clingon Lady! [_Shoves B'Zooka into a Geoffrey's Tube_.]

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Shut up, Cylon! [_Pulls Carrey in with her, and starts punching him_.]

**Forklift:** [_To B'Zooka and Carrey_] How clever of you humans to fake a fight, so I wouldn't guess that you're secretly plotting _together_, to eradicate Lt. Tuvacca, myself, and all the other telepaths on board. Crewman Scooter and Keish are down, and now you only have a few Vulcans and Betazoids to go!

**Myway:** Tell you what Chevrolet…I'll go talk to Telephone Line and, ah, you can handle the moral back on the ship. Excellent, see you in a bit! [_Takes off towards the shuttle bay_.]

**Chevrolet:** [_Looks at the mayhem in the hall_] I'll put a stop to this! [_Ducks, as Carrey goes flying over his head, and hits the wall.] _Erm…later. [_Ducks into Sickbay_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLE CRAFT:<strong>

[_Myway beams aboard_.]

**Myway:** Telephone, what are you doing?

**Telephone Line:** Escaping your plot! I know what is really going on, now. You are not concerned with conquering the Dipwad Quadrant, nor with fighting the Mosquitoes. It's _me_ you're after.

**Myway:** In some twisted way, I'm kind of starting to _enjoy _hearing stories about myself as an evil genius. So go ahead and tell me.

**Telephone Line: **Stardate 11111: Star Freak grants the Henson family permission to study the Bored, leading to their assimilation. Years later, Frogger is sent to the Dipwad Quadrant, to collect Annika Henson, and bring the assimilated drone back to Star Freak for analysis. Where Star Freak will dissect her brain, and harvest her implants for faster Internet access.

**Myway: **The only "implants" they'd want a close look at are…oh, never mind. Telephone, no one wants to dissect you. Think about it, are you on "Spoof Trek," or "Silent Hill?"

**Telephone Line:** …

**Myway:** Stardate 1244: Frogger saves Telephone Line from the Bored, and offers her a new slot on their hit TV series. They even vote off one of their own regular characters, at the risk of angering millions of Keish fans, to make room for her. Stardate 22214: Myway risks the entire ship to save Telephone from the Bored Queen, and spends a two-hour special showing how important Telephone is to her. Stardate 88910: Myway gives Telephone a cough drop, and for the first time, Telephone says "thank you."

**Telephone Line:** …Stardate 66521: Telephone Line confesses her favorite pony to Captain Myway, and it was Derpy.

* * *

><p>—<strong>STF—<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Captain Myway: (V.O.) <strong>Captain's log: Telephone Line has been safely returned to Frogger. In order to "wash out" the excess information from her brain, Tim Parsnip loaned her an ancient program that can reduce a person's I.Q., dumping her back down to a normal level of intelligence. Meanwhile, we've finished helping Mash on his machine during the commercial break, and are now three years closer to home.

**MYWAY'S QUARTERS:**

* * *

><p><strong>Myway: <strong>I'm sorry I suspected you Chevrolet. Telephone had the excuse of going crazy, but I was as sane as I always am.

[_Chevrolet stares at her. He opens his mouth to say something, then closes it. He decides to let it drop, and says_,]

**Chevrolet:** I'm sorry too. By the way, this coffee isn't poisoned, is it?

**Myway:** Ask Naomi Wildthing, she made it. Cakemix is teaching her cooking now.

**Chevrolet: **Mmm, tastes like…blue cool-aid?

[_Behind a potted plant, Naomi looks at a bottle in her hand, sees it is labeled "Cool Aid," and gives a frustrated expression. She sneaks out of the room, and heads to Telephone's Cargo Bay. Meanwhile, Myway and Chevrolet break out the peace pipe, and face the swirling nebula out the window.._.]

* * *

><p><strong>CARGO BAY: <strong>

**Naomi Wildthing: **Hey Telephone. That "Austin Powers" movie last night was funny! After Mom was asleep, I went and assimilated the other two movies! I think I have a crush on Scott Evil.

**Telephone Line:** [_Smiles_] Toilet humor has its uses. If my brain is ever burdened with too much logic again, I shall turn to that film. And indeed, Scott is quite the catch. Let's go to the mess hall and set up the Fizzbin board.

**THE END**


	21. Day of Honor

**A/N: This is one of the earliest parodies I wrote. Unfortunately, I recently misplaced the draft, and had to re-write it from memory.**

* * *

><p><strong>SPOOF TREK: FROGGER<strong>

"**Day of Horror"**

(Spoofing "Day of Honor," Season 4)

**Summary: **_B'Zooka Tourguide faces her worst day ever, before realizing she doesn't have enough scoundrels in her life._

* * *

><p><strong>CARGO BAY: <strong>

[_Telephone Line sits up from her regeneration desk, and walks to the doorway. Commander Chevrolet enters. Telephone wears her early-season, silver catsuit. From the zipper hangs a white tag with "Hershey Kiss" on it_.]

**Chevrolet: **Telephone Line. You wanted to speak to me?

**Telephone Line:** Yes Commander. I wish to spend time with other people. Socially. Emotionally. Humanly. With somebody else. And not just myself.

**Chevrolet: **[_Eyes her hopefully_] Well uh, what did you have in mind?

**Telephone Line: **A duty assignment, to work with other shipmates.

**Chevrolet:** Oh. Uh, sure, I can set you up in Engineering I guess.

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING: <strong>

**Tim Parsnip:** Hey B'Zooka! How's it…uh…going?

[_Tim looks around, and sees smoke streaming from a few conduits, and crewman working frantically. B'Zooka looks disgruntled_.]

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** I slept in today because the stupid computer somehow set my alarm clock at Vulcan time instead of standard starship time. Then I got my period, so I couldn't have any coffee, unless I wanted cramps. Then I get to Engineering and find two crewmen have been killed by malfunctioning conduits before the first commercial break even started! So now I'm short-handed, and I'm not in a good mood.

**Tim Parsnip:** So now's a bad time to ask about that Clingon holiday, the Day of Horror?

**B'Zooka:** The holiday where a Clingon must remember his duty to be horrible? No, I don't want to celebrate it. For one sentimental moment I thought it would make me feel better, but now, I think not.

**Chevrolet:** B'Zooka, Telephone Line's going to be working with you today. That's not a problem is it?

**B'Zooka:** [_Clenched teeth_] None whatsoever.

**Tim Parsnip:** Hey, you can bicker with her, and build up some fem-slash tension. Unless there's someone _else_ you already have feelings for. [_Bobs eyebrows suggestively, straightens uniform jacket._]

**B'Zooka:** Keep dreaming, flyboy.

[_They all get to work. But as they do, romantic Disney music plays from nowhere, and Tourguide and Parsnip's thoughts echo throughout the scene_…]

**B'Zooka:** _There's something sweet, and kind of fun…but he was such a selfish jerk in Season 1! And now he's dear, in Season 4…I wonder why I didn't see it there before._

[_A curtain opens up on a back wall, and The Doctor is seen, conducting a strings orchestra of crewmen_.]

**Tim:** _…She checked me out…I thought I saw…and when we talked she didn't eye-roll at my snarks! …though it can't be…I'll just ignore…but then, we've had sexual tension here before… _

**B'Zooka:** _Neeew, and a bit, alaaarmiiiing… ever since Pon Faar in Season Threeeee….True, that he's no Prince Charming…but there's something in him that I simply didn't seeeee…._

[_From the second story of Engineering, other characters watch Tim and B'Zooka_]

**Captain Myway:** _Well who'd have thought! _

**Chevrolet:** _Well who'd have known!_

**Fairly Dim:** _And who'd have guessed they'd come together on the show!_

**Myway:** _It's so peculiar_,

**Chevrolet:** _Wait and see, a few scenes more, there may be something there that wasn't there before_.

**The Doctor:** [Still conducting] _Yes, perhaps there's something there that wasn't there before._

**Spam Wildthing:** _There may be something there that wasn't there befooore…_

**Naomi Wildthing:** What's there mama?

**Spam Wildthing:** Never mind, Naomi. Off to the cupboard with ye.

**Naomi Wildthing:** The _cupboard_?

* * *

><p><strong>THE GET-READY-MULAN-FOR-A-MIRACLE! ROOM: <strong>

[_The senior staff—minus Telephone Line—meets with an alien, who looks like a giant reptilian canary, and moves and talks like one_.]

**Captain Myway**: Captain Ringo, I have a feeling you've got some big news to share with us.

**Captain Ringo:** Because of my sad-looking eyes? Or the fact that you found all 30 of our ships clustered in one area?

**Captain Myway:** The fact that you actually look, sounds and act like an alien, who our writers put effort into, instead of some schmuck they pulled off the streets and slapped a rubber wishbone on his forehead. So, what's the horrible news, and how can we save the day this week? [_Sips coffee_]

**Captain Ringo:** Our home world was destroyed by a race of human-robot people. Us few survivors gathered into battleships and fled, in a small armada. Our life is dark and gritty, and we're fleeing through the galaxy, in search of a new home, all the while pursued by these robotic—

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Cough_] B.S.G. [_He-em_] Rip-off.

**Myway:** And now you're struggling to get by. Well Star Freak is compassionate to the needy. Even though we work hard every day to maintain our nice ship, we still recognize that we are lucky compared to many, and that your poverty is due to events outside your own control. I'll give you as much food and supplies as my ship can spare. [_Pauses, then slowly looks at the audience, with an expression like, "Yeah, that was directed at you._"] …YYyyyyyyeeeeah.

**Captain Ringo: **How kind of you!

[_The TV screen that all the characters are standing behind suddenly cracks, as a gold paper-weight is thrown at it_.]

**Off-screen voice:** Godless tax-raising commies!

[_Captain Ringo looks at the shattered screen, confused as hell. Myway waves it off though, and leads everyone out into the hall_.]

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY: <strong>

**Myway:** …So we'll get each ship ten crates of Cakemix's food, along with some food replicators, but you'll have to conserve the energy. And as for medical supplies, I suppose The Doctor can spare one or two of his '90s scanners, and a few crates of orange soda,

[_Telephone Line walks by with Ensign Spam Wildthing_]

**Ensign Spam Wildthing:** …I'm not asking you to baby sit or anything, Cakemix can do that. But if you could provide something like an unlikely friendship, I think it would really brighten up the trip for Naomi, and give you some character development as well,

**Telephone Line:** Character development is irrelevant to our duties aboard this ship.

**Spam**: [_Sigh_] Maybe I'll ask again another season or two from now

**Captain Ringo:** My god, that woman is so hideous, I feel sorry for her! Those ugly, yellow hair follicles on her head, those bulbous lumps on her chest, those long, lanky legs, no scales, no beak! And what are those metal things all over her face and hands?

**Tuvacca:** She was a Bored drone. We have liberated her.

**Captain Ringo:** Bored? BORED! Where is my wife?! Where are my children?! Why won't you Bored leave us alone?!

**Captain Myway:** Tuvacca, honestly. Do you _try _to fail at your job? Maybe I _should_ just give Cakemix you're job. At least he can hold a five minute conversation with aliens without turning them against us.

**Tuvacca:** Then you have misunderstood my duty, Captain. If you examine the Star Freak handbook, you will see that the Chief of Security's duty is not to secure the safety of the ship, but the safety of the series. I must ensure that conflict persists throughout each episode, or our show will be canceled, and we shall all cease to exist.

[_A look of understanding comes across Myway's face. Captain Ringo follows Telephone, continuing his angry rant. Telephone walks on, unmoved, and enters the turbo-lift. Ringo tries to follow, but the doors close on his beak. Muffled insults can still be heard from him._]

**Cakemix:** Captain, let mesa talk to Mr. Ringo. My can explain that Phelly-Tone was a victim, like his wife and kids, and that she should give him hope!

**Myway:** [_Stopping Cakemix_] No, Cakemix. We need…conflict! [_Moves to help pull Ringo out of the turbo lift_.]

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING:<strong>

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Tell me Telephone Line. When you hear about species like the Canary People, do you feel anything like, I don't know, guilt?

**Telephone Line:** Guilt is irrelevant.

**B'Zooka:** That's abhorrent!

**Telephone Line: **[_Working silently_]

**B'Zooka:** Wanna fight about it?

**Telephone Line:** No. [_Continues._] My work is complete.

**B'Zooka:** Good. Get lost.

[_Telephone Leaves, and everyone sees B'Zooka's having a bad day. Young Vulcan Ensign Forklift approaches her, nevertheless_.]

**Forklift:** Lt. Tourguide, allow me to declare _Koon-Skin-Kap. _Fear not, for I am not proposing marriage, as I did that one time. This is, in human terms, proposing, "Let's just be friends." With my Vulcan expertise, I can assist you in controlling your Clingon anger, so that you can better resist the urge to pick fights with recently-liberated Bored drones who clearly don't know any better—

[_B'Zooka punches him, sending Forklift flying across the room. He lands in a clutter of wires and conduits, below Lt. Jim Carrey and Crewman Denny, who work on, not daring to react_.]

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY:<strong>

**Tim Parsnip:** Hey, Telephone Line.

**Telephone Line:** Lt. Tim Parsnip, Flyboy helmsmen, of the Han Solo category. State your intentions.

**Tim Parsnip:** I want to let you know that I won't judge you for being Bored. We all have a past. I wouldn't want people to judge me for being a self-serving mercenary years ago, or having that horrible hairdo, or making salamander babies with Captain Myway. I think everyone deserves a second chance.

**Telephone Line: **I only understood about every fifth word of what you just said, Lieutenant. Nevertheless, I find your random act of compassions…impressive.

* * *

><p><strong>MESS HALL: <strong>

**Cakemix:** B'Zooooka! Yousa wantin' blood pie? [_Extreme tail wagging_] Mesa research the Day of Horror, and blood pie—

**B'Zooka:** Not this week, Cakemix. [_Stirs her banana pancakes sadly_]

**Cakemix:** Mesa see yousa down in the dumps. As moral officer, my must offer to cheer yousa up. From now on, my can be yousa punching bag! Any time you're mad, B'Zooka, yousa can slap me, punch me, call me names, kick me around like a soccer ball, whatever!

**B'Zooka:** Really? [_Brightens up_] Thanks Cakemix! [_Kicks him around like a soccer ball, sure to keep him off the ground_] You're a real pal! [_Stops, then heads for the door_] I feel really…Clingon! I think I'll try that ritual after all!

**Cakemix:** [_Has landed upside-down, over a chair_] Glad mesa could help.

* * *

><p><strong>HOLODECK:<strong>

[_B'Zooka meets with a group of Clingons, in a cave_.]

**General Mindfok: **As a Clingon, it is your duty to be many things, B'Zooka, daughter of Midol. You must be a badass fighter. Extra points if you lose an eye, like me.

**Governor Bonbon:** [_Bug-eyes_]You must have a larger-than life personality! As I did, on "Freak Space Nine!"

**Commander Wart:** And if serving aboard a Star Freak ship as a major character, you must be filled to the brim with angst.

**B'Zooka:** Well I've sure got that one down.

**Random Clingon Woman: **And if female, you must be viciously sexy, and wear armor that reveals your melons! Be submissive to your mate if he is a Clingon, but if he's a human or a Ferrari, you wear the pants in the relationship. Remember that.

**B'Zooka:** [_Strokes chin thoughtfully_] Iiiiinteresting….

**General Mindfok:** For the first ritual, you must prove your are capable of being horrible, by feasting upon the heart of a tribble.

**B'Zooka:** Can I have ranch dressing at least? [_Timidly picks up the heart, and pops it in her mouth_] Slimy, yet…satisfying.

**Wart:** Next, you must prove your strength, by running through a cornfield, while pursued by a hillbilly!

[_B'Zooka finds herself running through a cornfield, while a human hick shoots at her with a futuristic rifle. She sprints through the corn stalks, dodging laser blasts athletically._]

**B'Zooka:** Piece of cake! Just don't ask me to partake in any lame prequels.

**Bonbon: **And now, you must endure the pain-sticks.

[_The scene changes, and they're in the cave again_]

**B'Zooka:** Pain sticks?

**Clingon Woman:** First, you must dress in the traditional pain-stick garment. [_Offers B'Zooka a black leather gimp suit, with chains_]

**Mindfok:** And listen to the traditional Clingon pain-stick music! [_turns on a radio, which plays slow techno music_]

**B'Zooka:** I'm done. [_Sticks out her fist, and walks out, punching each Klingon in succession._]

* * *

><p><strong>B'ZOOKA'S QUARTERS:<strong>

[_B'Zooka sits on her sofa, listening to sad Green Day music on her headphones. Tim Parsnip enters_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Hey, you left the holodeck running with some angry Clingons from other shows. Commander Wart was nursing a whale of a black eye. Like he ran into someone having a really bad day!

**B'Zooka:** Hmm.

**Tim Parsnip:** Come on, we designed that program together! Why didn't you like it?

**B'Zooka:** Because it was idiotic! Honor, badass, strength, personality, what does it matter? Bimbos in catsuits and miniskirts don't need any of that to get screentime.

**Tim Parsnip:** It matters because it's part of who you are! We finally voted off the fairy-princess from the show last week, and we don't need you to start sulking around like a sissy and taking over for her! We need our Clingon engineer, someone who's proud to be from Trek's most badass species! But if you're gonna keep up this stupid angst, you might as well toss on a dress and start mincing around the garden bay!

**B'Zooka:** Fine! Just leave me alone!

**Tim Parsnip:** Oh don't worry. If this is how you treat people who try to be your friend, you'll be alone. I'm gonna go re-watch some of Keish's old episodes, and then reminisce with the Captain about that magical little lizard affair. [_Leaves angrily_]

* * *

><p><strong>THE "READY…SET….LLAMA! HA, I GOT YA." ROOM: <strong>

**Captain Myway:** Now see here, Mr. Ringo. We've given you all the food and supplies we can spare.

**Captain Ringo:** Oh really. It seems to me that you still have plenty to give. Your hair follicles would make great pasta that could feed our entire armada for a week! And your uniforms could be burned for fuel.

**Captain Myway:** Ringo I can't believe I'm saying this but….get a job, ya bum!

[_Another paperweight comes smashing into the TV screen_]

**Voice:** You heartless, out-of-touch big-wigs!

**Cakemix:** Now see here Mr. Ringo. Captain Myway and her crew are the most generous people I've ever met. But they can't give up their hair or their uniforms. They have a TV show to maintain!

**Tim Parsnip:** Yeah! We have a TV show to—wait, we're on TV?

[_Tim Parsnip and Fairly Dim look out through the cracked TV screen with shock, and start jumping and waving excitedly_]

**Fairly Dim:** Hi Mom! Hi Dad! I didn't die in space, I'm okay! I'm a star on a TV series now!

**Tim Parsnip:** Hey dad, thought I'd never do anything with my life? I'm the hotshot pilot of this series!

**B'Zooka:** Tim stop, you're embarrassing me! Oh, [_Drops head into a double face-palm_.]

* * *

><p><strong>LATER, ON THE BRIDGE:<strong>

**Tuvacca: **The canary people are hailing us, Captain.

**Myway:** On screen.

**Captain Ringo:** New terms, Captain Myway. Hand over all your supplies, plus the ugly Bored drone, or we will destroy you all!

**Myway:** [_Sigh_] Battle-stations, everyone.

[_Everyone groans or sighs. As for moving to "battle stations," everyone stays put, except two crewmen against the back wall, who switch places. The battle begins_.]

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING:<strong>

[_Smoke rising, alarms flaring_]

**B'Zooka:** Great, another ship wide attack. Can this day possibly get any worse?

**Lt. Jim Carrey:** Aw man, did you hear the news B'Zooka? They've officially canceled "Firefly."

**B'Zooka:** Firefly? FIRFLY? THEY CANCELED—GOD DAMMIT!

[_In a rage, B'Zooka kicks the warp core. The Warp Core shakes a moment, then falls right out of the ship_.]

**Computer:** Warning: Warp Core has been ejected. Engineering will explode in approximately twelve seconds.

**B'Zooka:** Out! Everybody out! You too, Telephone Line!

**Telephone Line:** I can still be of assistance.

**B'Zooka:** How _honorable_ of you. But this isn't your episode today. Come on! [_Pulls Telephone out of Engineering_.]

[_Everyone sits in the hallway, as Engineering explodes_.]

**B'Zooka:** Welcome to the worst day of my life.

**Lt. Jim Carrey:** Worst day of your life? Really? Not the day you got stranded in the Dipwad Quadrant? Not the day you got captured by Vidiot scientists and split into your human and Clingon halves? Not the time we got stranded on that desert planet by Salsa? Not the time Ensign Forklift was trying to get jiggy with y—

[_B'Zooka, still staring ahead vacantly, punches Carrey without even looking_._ He falls, knocking over the crewmen next to him, and the rest of the Engineering staff goes down like dominoes._]

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLE CRAFT:<strong>

**Tim Parsnip:** Wow, so now you and me are out here, in this dangerous region of space, retrieving the Warp Core. Good thing we're not alone, and have all those extra crewman with us to help get the job done.

[_B'Zooka sits silently. Then, slowly, the two of them turn around in their chairs. In the back of the shuttle, the crewmen they brought lye motionless, in a pile on the floor_.]

**Crewman Harold:** [_Cough_] Crewman Wilson shared some of his yogurt with us as a snack, but it seems it was [_gag_] expired. [_Dies._]

[_B'Zooka rolls her eyes, as she and Tim turn back to the front window_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Oooookay. So we don't have any crewmen to test for booby-traps. But look at it this way, how much worse can it get?

**B'Zooka:** There it is! There's the warp core! But that alien ship has a tractor beam on it already. [_Contacts alien ship_] Excuse me, that's our warp core! We need it back!

**Alien Voice:** Hey man, we found this blue lava lamp first. Finders Keepers!

**B'Zooka:** Don't you realize how dangerous that thing is? The quantum-matrix is unstable! In twelve nanoseconds, the warpdrive conduit relays will overload, and cause a catastrophic technobabble system error in the interspace conundrum!

**Alien:**….Woa, dude. That was….deep. Say something else!

**B'Zooka:** [_Pounds consol_] You god-damned hippies!

**Computer:** Thank you for pressing self-destruct. This shuttle craft will self destruct in five minutes.

**Tim Parsnip:** Oh crap. Come on B'Zooka, grab a space suit, quick!

**B'Zooka:** What, no escape pods on this thing?

**Tim Parsnip:** Well there are, but they're jammed. See, I was giving them a new coat of paint this morning with Crewman Denny and Lt. Tito, but I guess someone accidently grabbed the bucket of super-glue instead of paint…

[_Groaning, B'Zooka quickly throws on a space suit. Tim throws one on too. They hop into space just before the shuttle craft explodes_.]

**B'Zooka:** OW! My chest feels crushed…what's wrong with this space suit? [_Looks at Tim_] Oh great, we grabbed the wrong suits! Now I understand why all the Storm Troopers' suits are unisex…

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Bangs on his empty breast plates_] T'he-he!

* * *

><p><strong>THE NOT-QUITE-READY ROOM:<strong>

**Captain Myway: **Telephone Line, did you have anything to do with the accident in Engineering that lost the warp core?

**Telephone Line:** In the Bored Collective, deception was impossible, as we were all far too bored to come up with something so devious and clever. I am alien to it. No, I would not, and could not, have caused the accident on purpose.

**Myway:** Ah. Well, that's good to know.

**Telephone Line**: It is peculiar. This crew is prone to unpredictable bouts of anger and sarcasm. Yet I also see surprising acts of compassion. Perhaps I'll try it myself sometime soon.

**Myway:** [_wide-eyed_.]You mean…someone else on this ship already introduced you to compassion, and stole my spotlight—I, I mean—helped me with the task of taking care of you? That was so_…honorable_.

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER'S BRIDGE: <strong>

**Telephone Line:** The Canary People demand me in exchange for your safety. The correct course of action is to hand me over to them.

**Myway:** Telephone, you've learned to be so…honorable! But I won't give them a crew member. If only we could give them some technology that could repair their engines.

**Telephone Line:** Bored regeneration desks may be employed to regenerate replicator energy, repair busted bulkheads, and prevent earthquakes.

**Chevrolet:** Why the hell didn't you bring this up before?!

**Telephone Line:** You did not ask.

[_Tuvacca and Myway hold Chevrolet back, as he tries to throttle her_.]

**Myway: **But we didn't ask now either, yet you thought of it on your own. That's what counts! Right Chevrolet?

**Chevrolet:** [_Clenched teeth_] Yyyyyyyesh.

* * *

><p><strong>OUTER SPACE: <strong>

[_Tim and B'Zooka continue to float_]

**Tim Parsnip**: …I spy….something…round.

**B'Zooka:** [_Sigh_] that red planet over there.

**Tim Parsnip:** Nope!

**B'Zooka:** The Death Star.

[_Indeed, the Evil Empire's weapon is seen off in the distance_.]

**Tim Parsnip**: Ding-ding-ding! Your turn! ….oh okay, you're not in the mood. Hey, when we first met B'Zooka, you didn't have a high opinion of me, did you.

**B'Zooka:** I thought you were a stubborn, immature pig.

**Tim Parsnip:** Have I changed?

**B'Zooka:** Yeah. Now you're a stubborn immature pig with better hair. …There I go, pushing you away again.

**Tim Parsnip: **You didn't push me. I'm just drifting away because of the lack of gravity out here.

**B'Zooka:** I've been a coward Tim. It's the Day of Horror, and I'm going to die without a shred of honor, and for the first time that bothers me.

**Tim Parsnip:** Wow. Considering how many near-death experiences we've all had, that must be saying something.

**B'Zooka:** The truth is Tim, I love you _because_ you're a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrels in my life.

**Tim Parsnip:** The Mosquitoes weren't scoundrel-enough?

**B'Zooka: **In my _dating_ life.

**Tim Parsnip:** You have a dating life?

**B'Zooka: **Oh for god's sake…I LOVE YOU, FLYBOY!

[_B'Zooka pounces at Tim, with Clingon glee in her eye. Tim is excited at first, but the moment is ruined when both their glass space helmets crack_.]

**Computer:** Warning. Oxygen, depleting.

**B'Zooka:** We have computers in our space suits?

**Tim Parsnip:** Don't worry! I'll send a help message to Frogger!

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER'S BRIDGE: <strong>

**Captain Ringo:** Thank you so much for these Bored regeneration desks! I'm sorry we were such bird-brains before.

**Myway:** [_Nods_.] Forgivable.

[_A cluttering sound is heard from Dim's consol. Dim opens up a little plastic slot, and pulls out an empty soda bottle. He unscrews the cap and pulls out a sheet of paper_.]

**Ensign Fairly Dim:** It's a distress call, Captain. Tim and B'Zooka are floating in space, and running low on oxygen! And they found the warp core, but a bunch of stoners are hogging it.

**Myway:** Crewman Tallahassee, take us to them!

**Crewman Tallahassee:** [_Random crew-woman, at the helm_] Yeee-haaa!

* * *

><p><strong>SPACE: <strong>

[_Tim and B'Zooka are still floating in space, posed in a dancing position. Tim has turned his space suit's radio to play "Unchained Melody." It's actually very serene and romantic. Not far off, the alien pot-heads still watch their new "lava lamp" from their windows, swaying to the music. Frogger suddenly comes zipping through, knocking right into the alien ship, and send it spiraling away into space. Frogger sucks the wrap core back up into the ship with a loud "slurp," then beams up Tim and B'Zooka_.]

**END.**


	22. Vis a Vis

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Will the Real Tim Parsnip Please Stand Up"**

(Spoofing "Vis a Vis," Season 4)

**Summary:** _When he doesn't appreciate life as a Regular on a "Trek" series, Tim Parsnip finds himself switching bodies with the weekly bumpy-forehead alien!_

* * *

><p><strong>1950s GARAGE: <strong>

[_Tim Parsnip is dressed like a greaser, working under a 1950s car, with the soundtrack to "Grease" playing_.]

**The Doctor:** Mr. Parsnip, I realize that we haven't had any injured shipmates to treat, pregnant men to diagnose, or dead Regulars to revive. But I still need you in Sickbay! What is this program anyway?

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Slides out from under the car_.] This is the 1950s, and you stand before an exact replica of Greased Lightning! Imagine it; cruising down the highway, radio blasting, wind wipping thorugh you're hair—you'll _have _to imagine it, since this episode doesn't have the budged for me to actually drive this antique car…

**The Doctor:** [_Grumbles_] I see.

**Captain Myway:** [_V.O_.] All Regulars to the Bridge.

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE:<strong>

[_Parsnip walks aboard still in his Greaser getup. People stare_.]

**Fairly Dim:** You look dorkier than me today, Tim!

**Crewman #47:** [_Snickers_.] Tim's the new Dim!

[_Crewman #47 continues to laugh, as Tim takes his seat at the helm. Without looking back at her, Tim presses a button on his consol. 47's consol gives off sparks, and electrocutes her. She goes flying across the bridge, zipping right behind Lt. Tuvacca, who just stands there Vulcan-like, apparently not noticing_.]

**Captain Myway:** There's an alien vessel in distress, and we must rush to the rescue. A Star Freak officer treats a stranger like one of her own crew! [_Sips coffee, while Crewman #47 groans, sizzling_.]

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY: <strong>

[_The crew meets with the rescued alien. This bumpy-forehead alien is even uglier than usual, with an extra set of nostrils on his forehead, and dressed in a red leotard_.]

**Seth:** [_Bored monotone_.] Thanks for saving my rear everyone. I'm Seth, by the way. A very exotic, alien name, don't you think. I'm also a fantastic actor. Do you like my suit. I noticed how good skin tight spandex looks on women in sci-fi shows like this, so I assumed it would look good on me too.

**Ensign Megan Delirious:** Uh…. [_Looks Seth up and down, unconvinced_.]

**Ensign Jenny Delirious:** [_Whispers to her sister_] Maybe if he had a spangly jacket, kick-ass boots, crazy '80s hair, and was named David Bowie.

**Chevrolet:** Seth? Who on this side of the universe is named Seth?

**Seth: **And you're a human with an alien name. You're point?

**Security Crewman Bob:** [_Whispers_] God I hope he doesn't sneeze on me!

**Security Crewman Tito:** [Nods, wide-eyed.]

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Smacks forehead_] B'Zooka!

**Seth:** WHERE? [_Ducks, covers head_]

**Tim Parsnip:** No no, it's my girlfriend. I was supposed to have lunch with her today. I'm late! Gotta run. I'll help fix your ship up after.

* * *

><p><strong>MESS HALL: <strong>

[_B'Zooka Tourguide sits at a table alone. She sighs, and adds a sausage chimney to her waffle log cabin. This is one of those episodes where she wears that overcoat with her uniform, filled with exotic tools she never uses (namely, a wrench, a sonic screwdriver, a MIB neurolizer, and some pixy sticks)_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** B'Zooka! I'm sorry I'm late—please don't kick my ass—

**B'Zooka:** This is the third date in a row you've been late, Tim. Are you cheating on me? Because I've seen the way Fairly looks at you, after an away mission together,

[_Naomi Wildthing crawls by on all fours, pretending to be a tiger. What else will a lone kid do to entertain herself on a starship_?]

**Tim Parsnip:** Sorry, I was just on the holodeck for a bit, and then I was gonna help Seth fix his ship,

**B'Zooka:** I understand that Tim. I'm not—

**Naomi Wildthing:** RAAAAR! [_Pounces up at their table, snarling_.]

**B'Zooka:** [_Pushing Naomi back down under the table_.] –I'm not the kind of girl who's gonna get night terrors and jump off cliffs with werewolves for six months just because her boyfriend went away for a bit. But I _would_ appreciate if you just told me some idea what you were doing, so I knew,

**Tim Parsnip:** Hey, are those waffles?

[_B'Zooka stares, then gets up and leaves_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** What? What?

* * *

><p><strong>CHEVROLET'S OFFICE: <strong>

[_It's clearly the Commander's office, not only judging by the dream catchers and Indian stuff around the place, but the recycling bin, the energy-efficient lightbulbs, and the poster of cuddling tigers that says "The Earth Needs All The Friends It Can Get." Tim enters, wearing his normal uniform, but looking un-kept_.]

**Chevrolet:** Tim, I know something's wrong. You do your duties, but your heart doesn't seem to be in it. That superglue you left on my chair this morning? That's the same prank you pulled _last_ Tuesday. What's wrong?

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Shrugs_.] Nothing.

**Chevrolet:** If you don't want to tell me then fine, but at least iron your uniform and shave. Just because it looks good on Harrison Ford doesn't mean we can _all _pull it off.

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLE BAY: <strong>

[_Tim and Seth are working on Seth's ship, which looks like a yellow bug car with rocket boosters_.]

**Seth:** It's an exciting life, mine. You can tell what a dashing, trouble-making rogue I am, with my spandex and my extra nostrils. I leave a trail of defeated bad-guys and heartbroken women behind constantly!

**Tim Parsnip:** For some reason, something seems off about your story. Still, it reminds me of the good old days, when I was the ship trouble maker. Organizing gambling rings, trying to steal Cakemix's blonde girlfriend, getting tossed into the brig for badmouthing Chevrolet…. But then I had…[_wrinkles nose_] …_character development_.

[_Seth suddenly starts to change in form. For a moment, he looks like a woman, from a totally different alien species_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Did you just have boobs for a second?

**Seth:** Uh…TIM! How, how about a toast! [_Offers two glasses of a strange drink_.] To Flash Gordon, the original space flyboy!

**Tim Parsnip: **Ooo! [_Takes a glass_] To Flash Gordon! Hehe, "flash." [_Sips. Then gags_.] YECH! Where'd you get this crap?

**Seth:** The "Harry Potter" universe.

[_Tim glances at a potion bottle on the counter, labeled "Poly Juice Potion." To his horror, Tim sees Seth turn into himself, and himself turn into Seth_.]

**Seth:** Too bad you didn't appreciate your life, Tim. This is just what you get, for being clinically depressed. You should have known better! [_Punches Tim unconscious, and stuffs him into the space-bug._]

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY: <strong>

["_Tim Parsnip" walks through the halls, with a map of the ship_.]

"**Parsnip:"** …Sickbay? [_Sticks head into a door_.]

**Crewman Lola:** AIYEEEEE!

**Ensign Spam Wildthing:** Get out of here, Pig!

**Crewman Door:** Parsnip hasn't snuck into the Girl's Room since Season 2! Wow, this makes me feel so nostalgic…anyone wanna go to Sardine's and play pool?

["_Parsnip" is already hurrying away from the Women's Room. He sticks his head into a cargo-bay_.]

**Crewman Willis: **[_Carrying crates_] Oh, hi there LeutenaaaAAAAA! [_Has slipped on a banana peel. Slides into two other crewman, and crashes, spilling his crates. The crates, which contain explosive material, give off a small explosion, killing all three_.]

**Fairly Dim:** Hey Tim! [_Comes up behind, patting "Tim" on the back_.] What are you looking so shocked for? It's just a few crewman. They'll be back walking around in the background in a few minutes.

"**Tim Parsnip:"** Um, yeah, of course! I've just…never seen three go at once like that before.

**Fairy Dim:** Yes you have! Don't you remember, the first year we were lost here? When we figured out how easily crewman die, we used to replicate some go-carts, and when no one was in the halls, it was "boooowling for creeewmaeeeen!" You always used to say, "Get some every time!" They went down like bowling pins! Remember?

**Tim Parsnip: **Uh, yeah! Now I do. It's been so long.

**Fairly Dim: **Hey, speaking of bowling, are you ready for that croquet game on the holodeck this afternoon? You and me versus Lt. Carrey and Crewman Fishburger! Remember, we're playing "Alice in Wonderland" style!

**Tim Parsnip:** Um…right! I uh…guess I better practice a bit….Hey, wanna help me get these dead crewmen to sickbay?

**Fairly Dim:** Sure!

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

[_Dim leaves, after helping Tim dump the three smoldering cadavers on the Doctor's giant 90s scanner. The Doctor, annoyed, scans the dead crewmen_.]

**The Doctor: **Bowling for crewmen again, Mr. Parsnip? I thought we were past such childish behaviors. And I see you're late again. No matter. Let's get started on that experiment, shall we. Well, don't just stand there imagining your shipmates naked, get to it, Apprentice.

"**Parsnip:"** Uh….[Stares at his PADD nervously, and begins typing randomly]

**The Doctor:** So far so good…It's working! [Brown wavy hair flows from his bald head.] Yes! The most complex part of my program is finally being impro…[Hair goes up in flames] Aaah! Turn it off! Turn it off!

"**Parsnip:"** I'm trying! Um….

[_After hitting more random buttons, "Tim" manages to put out the Doctor's hair. The Doctor stands there, bald once more, with smoke rising from his head_.]

**The Doctor:** [_Clenched teeth_] Mr. Parsnip…is there anything distracting you that you would like to talk about?

"**Parsnip:"** I'm sorry The Doctor. I just…had trouble concentrating. You looked so good in Shatner's toupe, and I'll never be so handsome…

**The Doctor:** Why, Lieutenant! I had no idea…Take the rest of the day off! And if anyone asks why you couldn't focus, feel free to tell them why!

* * *

><p><strong>B'ZOOKA TOURGUIDE'S QUARTERS:<strong>

["_Tim Parsnip" stands in front of a Metallica poster, a busted punching bag, and a bookshelf of Clingon romance novels. He is practicing "punting," for the croquet game. He punts a blue hedgehog through a ring, using a pink flamingo as a stick. B'Zooka enters and is, understandably, conf_used.]

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Tim…what the frak?

"**Parsnip:"** I'm just practicing my punting.

[_He punts the squealing hedgehog, and it flies five feet in the air. B'Zooka catches it in one hand_.]

**B'Zooka: **Tim, you can't just show up here and pretend all's well, when you've been such a JERK! [Squeezes the poor hedgehog like a coosh ball]

"**Parsnip:"** Fine! [_Shoves the flamingo into her free hand_.] I don't know what I ever saw in you! I'll find a girl who's actually hot.

[_B'Zooka stuffs the hedgehog down his pants, then smacks him with the flamingo, sending him out the door. Then tosses the flamingo out with him, and shuts her doors. Commander Chevrolet happens to walk by, just as this happens. He stares, with a mixture of horror and disgust. Then angrily confiscates the bird and the rodent from "Tim."_]

**Chevrolet:** Playing cruel games with innocent animals, Tim? What's gotten into you? [_Leaves_.]

* * *

><p><strong>TIM PARSNIP'S QUARTERS:<strong>

[_Captain Proton merchandise covers the room, as well as model starships, and a number of "spacey" license plates on the wall, with puns like "I3URANUS," "CNEUFOS?" "STAR$ROX," and "QKNOWS." The body-snatcher sits at the table, cluttered with alcoholic beverages. Telephone Line enters (in a silver catsuit illustrated with all the State Quarters.)_]

**Telephone Line: **Lieutenant, why is your doorway blocked by this pyramid of empty beer bottles? It is poorly constructed; the top can is five millimeters off-center.

"**Parsnip:" **Phelly-Tone! To what do I owe the pleasure?

**Telephone Line:** I want to know why I saw you reading the Captain's personal logs, earlier today. If you do not provide a solid explanation I will inform her myself. I have total-recall, thanks to my Bored implants; if she has doubts, I can recite the passages I saw word-for-word to her.

"**Parsnip:"** Pffft.

**Telephone Line:** "Captain's Personal log, stardate 1830928: I thought I would never get over Mark. But after trying out the Fair Haven program, I'm living by a new motto: once you do it with a hologram, you never go back! Unfortunately, during Crewman Denny's birthday party on the holodeck last week, DaVinci overheard me saying this and thought I meant him. I've tried explaining that there's a slight age difference, and do you know what that old fart did? He pulled the "you're running out of eggs" crap! Anyway, wasn't DaVinci supposedly gay? Someone's been messing with the holoprograms again…."

"**Parsnp:"** All right you've made your point! I'm warning you, stay out of my way Bored!

[_Telephone hooks one high-heel around the leg of "Parsnip's" chair, and yanks. He collapses to the floor, and she coolly walks out_.]

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY-TO-MAKE-THE-JUMP-TO-HYPERSPACE ROOM: <strong>

**Captain Myway:** _C-c-c-cooofeee, beautiful cooofeeee, you're the only one that I adoooore…_

"**Parsnip:"** He-em. You wanted to see me?

**Myway: **Tim! Yes. Oh, yes. You are in deep doo-doo this time Mr. Parsnip. Your behavior has been completely out of check lately. Now I know you've always been a bit of a womanizer—a man-anizer too come to think of it—but _threatening _Telephone Line? Bringing holographic Wonderland animals into the chief engineer's quarters without her permission? TELLING THE DOCTOR THAT HIS SINGING IS GOOD?

"**Parsnip:"** Well I—wait, _singing_? No, I said his _hair_—

**The Doctor: **[_Voice echoing through the halls_] Oooon top of Mount SMOOOOKEY…..

**Myway:** You've gone from a loveable prankster to a loathsome wanker, Tim! In fact, I'm betting you're not Tim Parsnip at all. Oh wait let me guess…alien invader? Body snatcher? Radiation madness? Or is this a dream, and some telepathic alien is sending me a message in my sleep through the form of my helmsmen—

"**Parsnp:"** The second one. [_Belches, now holding an empty cup_.]

**Myway:** [_Looks down at her empty coffee mug, and sees remnants of green, potion-y bubbles_…]

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

**Myway:** [V.O.] Security to Ready Roo— Aaaaaarrrgh!

[_Tuvacca summons his two favorite security crewman, Bob and Tito. Bob and Tito exchange a nervous glance, then do a friendly handshake and follow Tuvacca into the Ready Room. There, they see Tim Parsnp's unconscious body, and Captain Myway panting_.]

"**Captain Myway:"** Send him to sickbay, and keep him unconscious, he's nuts. Thinks he's a transvestite, or transformer, or whatever his new geek obsession is now.

**Tuvacca:** As you wish, Captain.

"**Myway:"** [_Mutters_] So now I've got boobs again…

**Crewman Bob:** Wha-?

"**Myway:"** Shut up! Everyone out, it's time for my BSG! [Turns on the TV screen on the wall]

**TV SCREEN:** Previously, on "Battlestar: Galactica:" [_Starbuck punches a man at the gambling table. Then, random characters are showing, saying_…] "I'm actually a cylon! And I'm pregnant!" "I killed those clowns, not the sergeant." "Starbuck's not really dead!" "I'm a Cylon too!" "I'm fat!" "Is this intro ever gonna be the whole episode, or is it gonna end sometime soo—" "Surprise! Your cancer's back." "FRAK!" ….

**Crewman Bob:** [_Walking out the door_] Hey, neither of us died today! [_Spontaneously combusts_.]

* * *

><p><strong>MEANWHILE: <strong>

[_The real Tim Parsnip awakens, in the seat of some vehicle. He is inside Seth's space bug, cruising through space._ ]

**Tim Parsnip:** Uuug, what did I drink last night? [_Sees reflection in window_] Oh. Yeah.

[_Suddenly, an alien woman climbs in through a window, and points a vicious looking squirt gun at Tim. She looks like a cross between_ _Lt. Fax from "Freak Space 9" and a lynx._]

**Lady:** Freeze dirt-bag, or I shoot!

**Parsnip:** Go ahead, take the car! I don't care! It's not mine anyway,

**Lady:** I know it's not, and neither's that body! I'm the real Seth, and I want my extra nostrils back! And also my….[Looks down, then back up] …Spandex! So give my body back! Or else I'll shoot you and kill….my…body…sh*t.

**Tim Parsnip:** ….

**Lady:** I didn't really think this through. I just had some Hirogen Mt. Dew and suddenly decided to come find you on a spur-of-the-moment type deal…

**Tim Parsnip**: But I'm not the tit who stole your body, Seth. He stole my body too! Or…she…or…whatever. Wanna team up, and like, catch the body-snatcher together?

**Lady/Seth:** [_Takes a slow sip of Mt. Dew, thinking it over. Then_,] YEAH!

_**BOOM!**_

**Lady/Seth:** Oh no, it's the cops. They're hailing us.

**Alien Cop:** [_V.O_.] Halt, in the name of the un-enthusiastic authorities of this unspecified civilization. We—yawn—are amazing actors, and are very very serious when we say, surrender, and you're under arrest for your body-snatching.

**Tim Parsnip:** That sounds like the narrator from "Animaniacs."

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER'S BRIDGE: <strong>

[_Everyone sits or stands with their heads hidden in their arms, and one thumb pointed up_.]

**Ensign Spam Wildthing:** Heads up, seven-up!

**Ensign Fairly Dim:** I love when you have the bridge Chevrolet! You're the _cool _commanding officer.

[_The acting helmsmen suddenly interrupts the festivities. Lt. Starbuck, of "Battlestar Galactica," is filling in for Parsnip_.]

**Lt. Starbuck: **Hey, Toasters, you're are being hailed by that alien mother-fraker you helped earlier. [_Puffs her cigar_]

**Chevrolet: **The guy who dresses like he shops at Richard Simmons' garage sale? Onscreen.

**Tim Parsnip:** Chevrolet! It's me, Tim! Seth stole my body! Except he wasn't really Seth, he stole Seth's body. And he's somewhere on the ship now! I can prove it's me Commander. In your office you complained that I pulled glue cushion prank on you twice!

[_Before Chevrolet can respond, "Myway" bursts onto the bridge, holding a half-empty cup of "Starbucks's Decaff_.]

"**Myway:"** Don't listen to him, he's an impostor! Destroy that ship!

"**Tim Parsnip:"** [_Walks off the turbo lift_] Uuugh, I have a splitting headache. I dreamed I was in my Ready Room, and Tim Parsnip tricked me into drinking this potion, and then I was suddenly male, but worst of all, my hair was…[_Feels head, eyes widen in horror. Then looks at "Myway" in horror_] …That's MY hair!

**Fairly Dim:** What are you talking about, Tim?

"**Seth:"** I'm Tim!

"**Myway:"** Liar! [_Sips Decaff coffee_]

**Chevrolet:** [_To "Myway"_] Enjoying your DE-CAFF coffee, Captain? [_Punches "Myway"_]

**Tuvacca:** Commander! Did you just punch a women?

**Chevrolet:** This is no woman! [_Turns "Myway" over. Her face glows, and is constantly changing between Myway's, Tim's, Seth's, and various aliens_.] That's a man, man! [_Turns to Starbuck_] You can go back to your own series now, Kara. Thanks for filling in.

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY:<strong>

**The Doctor:** So the syrum I ingeniously invented was able to reverse the effects of the Polyjuice Potion, and restore everyone to their original body.

[_In the room stand Captain Myway, Tim Parsnip, and Seth, all in their real bodies. An alien cop is there too. He looks like a human, with green hair and pinwheel antenna_.]

**Alien Cop:** And we've arrested thebody-theif, and locked him in his original form.

[_The cop holds a cage that contains a white duck_]

**Duck:** And I woulda' gotten away with it too, if you meddling kids had just shopped at AFLAAAACK!

* * *

><p><strong>HOLODECK: <strong>

[_Tim Parsnip and B'Zooka sit in the front seat of Greased Lightning, in the garage_]

**Tim Parsnip**: So here's how this episode could've been better: if Seth was supposed to be this rough-and-tumble guy who lived my old flyboy life, he should've been packed with attitude, and played by an actual actor. And he should've dressed more like a space cowboy, instead of a ballet instructor—

**B'Zooka:** Tim, maybe we can save this episode, in the last five minutes…

**Tim Parsnip:** Yes, yes I think we can.

[_They smooch. Tim turns on the ignition, and the car takes off from the ground, flying into the sky, while the title song of "Grease" stats to play._]

**THE END. **


	23. Meld

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Weld" **

(Spoofing "Meld," Season 2)

**Summary:** _After a mind-weld with a psychotic Babezoid, Tuvacca goes crazy, and will continue to do so at least once a season for the rest of the series._

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING: <strong>

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Hogan, what's wrong with the Warp Core?

**Lt. Hulk Hogan:** I dunno Lt. But it looks like the problem's commin' from inside Geoffrey's Tube #2. I'll check it out. [_Enters the Geoffrey's tube. His voice echoes from inside_] Aw, that's nasty…[_Sticks his head back out_] Someone left a dead crewman in here!

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** WHAT? [_Her shout blows Hogan back into the Geoffrey's Tube_.] WE'RE NOT EVEN ON AN AWAY MISSION OR UNDER ATTACK, AND WE LOST ANOTHER CREWMAN? DO YOU PEOPLE REALIZE THAT WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE? THERE'S NO STAR FREAK ACADAMY OUT HERE TO SUPPLY US WITH FRESH CREWMAN EVERY WEEK! THESE THINGS DON'T GROW ON TREES!

[_Everyone stares at Tourguide during her rant. Vulcan Ensign Forklift, cringing with fear, is almost blown over where he stands_.]

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY-TO-BE-KICKED-OUT-OF-THE-HOUSE ROOM: <strong>

**Tuvacca: **The evidence seems to point to Crewman Long John Scooter, a former Mosquito, of the Babezoid species.

**Tim Parsnip:** There are male Babezoids? Huh.

**Myway:** Chevrolet? Tourguide? Is something wrong?

**Chevrolet:** I remember how Scooter used to fight, when we were in the Mosquitoes.

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** He enjoyed his job a little too much…

**FLASHBACK: **

[_Chevrolet and his Mosquito crew are on a planet, battling Cargassians._]

**Chevrolet: (V.O.) **We each had our own unique style of fighting…

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Ha! Ra! Ya! [_Karate chopping Cargassians_] Haiya!

**Salsa:** [_Cracks a whip, dressed in black leather_]

**Chip/Blue Guy:** [_Bumps a Cargassian general with his fat stomach, sending a line of Cargassians going down like dominos_]

**Chevrolet: (V.O.)** …But Scooter's style was a bit extreme…

**Scooter:** [_Smashes a Cargassian's head with his super soaker, crazy eyed, laughing manically_]

**PRESENT:**

**Myway:** So…he's a violent nut-job.

**Chevrolet:** But what motivation would Scooter have for killing Crewman Zoot? They didn't even know each other.

**Tuvacca:** I intend to find this out when I interview him. Scooter, that is. Not Zoot. Because Zoot is dead.

* * *

><p><strong>TUVACCA'S OFFICE…OR….SOME RANDOM ROOM: <strong>

[_Here we see Crewman Scooter for the first time. He's a little Babezoid, with creepy black eyes, a quiet, slightly-crazy sounding voice, acts fidgety and suspicious, and has probably earned hundreds of eccentric fan girls in these few seconds of just sitting there on screen_.]

**Tuvacca:** Did you kill Crewman Zoot?

**Scooter:** No. You're just accusing me because I'm a Mosquito.

**Tuvacca:** I harbor no prejudices against the Mosquitoes. But I do harbor prejudices against characters played by Brad Douriff. Your actor portrayed psychos including, but not limited to: Charles Lee Ray, AKA Chucky, from "Child's Play"; Grima Wormtongue from "Lord of the Rings,"; Zoso the Dark One from "Once Upon a Time"….

**Scooter:** [_Angrily_] Maybe Brad Douriff's goin' against the type.

**Tuvacca:** Your DNA was found on the flashlight that Zoot was bludgeoned to death with.

**Scooter:** Well we all use each other flashlights—

**Tuvacca:** It has your name on it. [_Holds up the flashlight; L.J. Scooter is written in Sharpie_]

**Scooter:** Someone else wrote that, it's not even my handwriting.

**Tuvacca:** This book was found in your quarters. [_Holds up a book with a photo of Scooter on it: "How to Bludgeon a Man to Death With a Flashlight: By Long John Scooter_."]

**Scooter:** Well that….frak.

**Tuvacca:** I must inform you that you have the right to remain silent,

**Scooter:** No, no. [_Shakes head, solemnly_.] Your show's got a legitimate actor guest staring, might as well take advantage of his talents. Yes, I did it. My motivation was that I didn't like how he was lookin' at me.

**Tuvacca:** How was he looking at you?

[_Scooter thinks a moment. Then puts his fingers around his lips, making the "duck face."_]

**Tuvacca:** Crewman Zoot was a clown on his spare time. He was fond of making faces, particularly the "duck face."

**Scooter: **I _hate_ the duck face. It scares me.

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**Tuvacca: **I am disturbed that there is no motivation for Scooter's crime, besides an annoying facial gesture.

**The Doctor: **Lieutenant, you're disturbed that your mystery was solved in five minutes, and you're wondering what you'll do for the rest of the episode.

**Tuvacca:** I believe that Crewman Scooter may be a psychopath.

**The Doctor:** Wouldn't surprise me. The Mosquitoes were a band of outlaws, comprised of rebels, thieves, spice smugglers, ice pirates, professional wrestlers, Cargassian spies, and stoned McDonald's cashiers. I don't want to sound like I'm excusing him, but if Scooter is a psychopath he may have violent tendencies he just can't control.

**Tuvacca:** Odd, that a person who has lived his entire life on a planet surrounded by people like Counselor Trite from "Next Generation" would become a violent psychopath.

**The Doctor:** Yeah…I can't imagine what could've possibly driven him crazy…

**Tuvacca: **I believe I shall do something drastic. But I see no reason to inform you, or the captain. I am in complete control of this situation.

[_Tuvacca leaves a disgruntled The Doctor_.]

* * *

><p><strong>THE BOX: <strong>

[_Tuvacca visits Scooter in the Box, the place where naughty crewman go. It's a big wooden box, with a force field instead of a fourth wall_.]

**Scooter:** Hey, no fourth wall. How about that.

**Tuvacca:** Scooter. You are not like other Babezoids, correct?

**Scooter:** I never fit in on planet Babezoid. Most Babezoids can sense other's emotions. I could never sense anything, except a million dewy-eyed dopes goin' on about "feeeelings!" and "senzeeng dangerrr!" And at some point, I, I don't know…I found that I really enjoyed being a murderous psychopath.

**Tuvacca:** Your life is fascinating. Do you know what a mind-weld is?

**Scooter: **It's like, Vulcan mind-frakking, right?

**Tuvacca:** It would link our minds together, and perhaps give you some of my own self-discipline. I believe you would benefit from it.

**Scooter:** So, if I do this mind-weld thinggie, does that mean I like, won't be a virgin anymore?

**Tuvacca:** I would never force this upon a person without his consent. But if you are willing, we may mind-weld, just this one night, and then never speak of it to anyone again. Especially not my wife.

**Scooter:** Sounds shady, dangerous, creepy, and weird. Everything I live for. Let's go!

**Tuvacca: **My mind…to your mind….my logical, Vulcan thoughts…to your disturbed little Babezoid brain….Our pasts are one…

[_In a flashback, we see Scooter in a suit and long crazy hair, running through Chicago, while a cop who looks like Prince Humperdinck shoots at him. Then jump to a sunny desert, where a young Tuvacca stands beside a giant comb, dressed in a Space Ball trooper's uniform, yelling, "We ain't found shit!" _]

**Scooter:** Are mind-welds supposed to break the Fourth Wa—

**Tuvacca:** SHHH!

[_As the mind-weld continues, _t_he camera focuses closely on their eyes. Tuvacca's half-closed eyes, staring impassively; Scooter's black Babezoid eyes, wide and crazy. About a yard away, the two security guards, Crewmen Bob and Tito, watch, confused_.]

**Crewman Bob:** Are they having a staring contest?

**Crewman Tito:** [_Shrugs_.]

* * *

><p><strong>HOLODECK: <strong>

[_Tim Parsnip and others are gathered in Sardine's, the sunny beach casino Tim programmed_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Okay everyone, results are in! A crewman _did_ die in this episode, so everyone who guessed right wins the replicator rations! An extra ten percent for those who guessed he'd die before the theme song.

[_Everyone rushes around Tim to gather their winnings. Suddenly, the double-doors fly opened, and Chevrolet stands there, against the billowing stormy beach, hands on his hips_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Balls.

**Chevrolet:** Gambling's over!

**Tim Parsnip:** Heh, the _Indian _is enforcing the anti-gambling rule.

**Chevrolet: **If this were the 21st century I'd call "racist" on that Tim, but I know you're just being an ass. You're going to hand over those replicator rations, report to Lt. Tuvacca for a medium flogging, and then scrub the johns. And I'm putting you on report.

**Tim Parsnip:** Now there's a tough job. Reports. I had to do a report once. It was on "Lord of the Flies." I tried to cheat by watching the movie version instead. Except I downloaded the wrong version. In the version closer to the book, it's a bunch of _kids_ stranded on an island, not twenty-year-old beautiful women and pizza boys.

[Silence throughout Sardine's. Fairly Dim, innocent dweeb, can't figure out what Parsnip was saying. Chevrolet stands in the doorway, unsure of how to respond. He gives up, and leaves.]

* * *

><p><strong>THE BOX: <strong>

**Tuvacca:** How do you feel, Mr. Scooter?

**Scooter:** I feel controlled, moral. I feel bad for killing Zoot now. You?

**Tuvacca:** I am feeling the urge to impale someone. Perhaps I did not think this mind-weld through.

**Scooter:** So now you understand how it feels to be a murderous wackjob, Lieutenant. You hear the voices, and the torment will never end until you stab a man, or throw a hammer at a woman and knock her out a window, or push a wizard off a tower and impale him on a windmill, or trick some unsuspecting schmuck into taking your cursed dagger and becoming the new Dark One.

**Tuvacca:** I am not becoming like you, Mr. Scoo—DON'T F**K WITH THE CHUCK!—_he-em_. I am merely feeling a hint more aggressive than usual. I will be leaving now. [_Turns to his security crewmen, Bob and Tito_.] Lt. Bob, Ensign Tito, make sure Scooter doesn't leave this box.

**Lt. Bob:** [Fake British accent] Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him!

**Tuvacca:** This is no time for adolescent movie quotes, Lt.

**Ensign Tito:** Until you come and get him , we're not to enter the room!

[_Tuvacca sighs, and leaves. Bob and Tito continue the entire Monty Python skit, to Scooter's mild amusement_.]

* * *

><p><strong>MESS HALL: <strong>

[_Tuvacca sits alone in the empty mess hall, reading something. Cakemix approaches_.]

**Cakemix:** Hello Mr. Boredom! How yousa doing?

**Tuvacca:** Please leave me in peace, Mr. Cakemix.

**Cakemix:** Mesa gonna annoy you until my seeing a smile on that face!

**Tuvacca:** I urge you, for your own safety,

**Cakemix:** Yousa wanna use me as a kickball? B'Zooka does that whenever she gets mad, and mesa her bestest best fraAAAA!

[_Tuvacca is strangling Cakemix with one hand, pushing him against the wall_]

**Cakemix:** Mr. Boredom…air….

[_Tuvacca continues to strangle Cakemix, until suddenly…_.]

**Parsnip:** [V.O.] Parsnip to Tuvacca! Will you hurry up in there? You've been hogging that holoprogram for an hour! I wrote this thing so everyone could let their steam out!

**Tuvacca:** [_Regains his composure_.] My apologies, Mr. Parsnip. Computer, restart program.

[_Cakemix reappears by the kitchen, alive and annoying again. Tuvacca exits the holodeck. A line of crewmembers extends all through the hall, waiting to use the Kill Cakemix program, many holding phasers, baseballbats, lightsabers, Clingon Pi'Za Slicers, daggars, rope, etc…]_

* * *

><p><strong>TUVACCA'S QUARTERS: <strong>

**Captain Myway:** Tuvacca? Are you in there?

[_Myway steps inside. The room is trashed. Tuvacca sits in a corner_.]

**Tuvacca:** Please Captain, do not come any closer. I am filled to the brim with anger, and have the urge to kill. In the last half hour, I have entertained 105 ways to kill a person with a hand, a foot, a French fry…

**Myway:** You're angry that we're stuck out here in the Dipwad Quadrant, you miss home, that's—

**Tuvacca:** —just the icing on the cake! I am forced to be duo-ed with Mr. Cakemix in every episode that focuses on me! My spoof name is a random phrase in Spanish that has nothing to do with my character! I have to stand all day, while you, Commander Chevrolet, Lt. Parsnip, and Ensign Wildthing may sit! …No, Captain. I'm too far beyond help.

**Myway:** Tuvacca, I don't know what's happened, but everything will be fine.

[_Tuvacca looks up curiously at her; her bun is a tad larger than before_.]

**Myway:** It's possible that you're having some emotional, maybe even mental problems, [_Her bun is even bigger._] We all have times when we feel strange, like nothing is making any sense. [_Her hair is now larger than her head_.] So if you'll just follow me to Sickbay, I'm sure The Doctor can find a way to help you. Come on.

[_Myway turns to exit the room. Her bun is so big now that it gets stuck in the door, and she has to struggle to squeeze through. Tuvacca follows, awkwardly, unsure if he's hallucinating or not_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**The Doctor: **So…you used your real name when spying on the Mosquitoes. Then when you had three Krouton leaders prisoner, you exchanged them for Commander Chevrolet but didn't think to ask for Salsa…and now you've done a mind-weld with a psychotic murderer without even informing me or the Captain?

**Tuvacca:** [_Irritated_] I'm a security officer, not a detec— [_Stops, then frowns in defeat_.]

**The Doctor:** [_Sigh_] I'll keep you behind this forcefield until I can find a way to restore your sanity.

**Tuvacca: **Why not just lock me in the Box with Scooter? We can stay up late, swap manly stories, eat the ship's waffles. That is how we treat violent offenders on this ship, is it not?

**Myway:** You're not a violent offender!

**Tuvacca: **I could be. Let me execute Scooter for his crime. Give those children who Zoot entertained at birthday parties the justice they deserve.

**Myway:** No. The star of a TV show can never do such a thing. Spiderman would never kill any of his villains; he just waited for some contrived plot twist to cause their deaths so no one had to deal with the issue.

* * *

><p><strong>LATER THAT NIGHT: <strong>

[_Tuvacca is left alone in sickbay, with The Doctor offline and no security guards around. This makes one wonder if Myway took Tuvacca's offer to kill Scooter for her seriously. He escapes by ripping off a tube from the bio-bed and putting it against the forcefield, which somehow makes the forcefield short-circuit, because it revered the polarity or something. Tuvacca then goes to the box_.]

**Crewman Bob:** You're not allowed to enter the room—Aaaa!

[_Tuvacca has taken Bob down with the Vulcan neck pinch. Tito goes next_.]

**Scooter:** You're here to have your filthy way with me for the last time, aren't you Tuvacca.

**Tuvacca:** Indeed. I can kill you with a mind-weld, by sharing thoughts so disturbing, you will die. [_Begins mind-weld_]

**Scooter:** What memories are these, that are flowing into my mind from yours? It seems like a TV show of some kind….like "Spoof Trek" only….why is the crew dressed like plumbers? What's a beagle doing onboard?...is that cowboy pregnant? But he's a man…..Oh god, it's a _prequel_ isn't it! They don't have a version of Jar Jar do they—oh of course, and they made him a doctor of all things…Oh hey, Jolene Baylock, with no clothes on!

[_The force of Jolene Baylock's Vulcan sexiness makes both their brains short-circuit, and sends Tuvacca and Scooter flying apart from each other. Tuvacca is unconscious. Scooter taps Tuvacca's smiley faced com badge_.]

**Scooter:** Tuvacca to the bridge.

**Chevrolet:** Tuvacca? When did you get a Southern accent?

**Scooter:** No commander, this is Long John Scooter. I'm using Tuvacca's com badge for him, because Jolene Baylock's naked butt put him into a coma.

[_There is silence. Then, on the other end, we hear Chevrolet and the captain talking quietly_.]

**Chevrolet:** Captain, I think Scooter might be crazy.

**Myway:** I was thinking that too. Maybe we should just confine him to quarters.

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**Myway:** Scooter has been removed from the Box, having been found innocent by insanity. But, I've confided him to his quarters, and he's not allowed to guest star in any more episodes until the end of the season. As for you Tuvacca, from now on, no more mind-welds without my permission!

**Tuvacca:** Indeed.

**The Doctor:** I've managed to flush all of the insanity out of Mr. Tuvacca's brain. At least, I hope I have.

**Tuvacca:** Fret not The Doctor. I feel like myself again, and am confident that I will never lose my Vulcan composure or go crazy again for the rest of this journey.

**THE END**


	24. Tattoo

**A/N: If anyone reading this is Native American, I apologize…both for this spoof, and the actual episode.**

* * *

><p><strong>SPOOF TREK: FROGGER <strong>

"**Taboo!" **

(Spoofing "Tattoo," Season 2)

**Summary: **_A symbol on the ground triggers mushroom-flashbacks for Chevrolet. _

_WARNING: This parody is almost as racist as the actual episode._

* * *

><p><strong>Scene 1<strong>

[_Chevrolet, Tuvacca, and some crewmen are exploring a planet._]

**Tuvacca:** It never ceases to amaze me, how many planets in the universe resemble southern California.

**Chevrolet:** Is that graffiti on the ground? Maybe this planet is inhabited after all.

[_Chevrolet_ _bends down, and is shocked at what he sees. On the ground is a drawing of a car tire_.]

**Chevrolet:** It's a symbol of the Rubber Tire People, my tribe! But how is this possible?

**Tuvacca:** Commander, this round symbol is made of simple geometric shapes. It is not impossible that another culture also came up with the symbol on its own. Recall that on Earth, the Swastika was created by Asian Hindus and American Indian tribes who had no contact with each other at the time, and that coincidence was on the same planet. Surely, in an entire galaxy—

**Chevrolet:** I remember that camping trip with my father like it was only yesterday.

**Tuvacca:** Commander…waaat?

* * *

><p><em><strong>FLASHBACK!<strong>_

[_A small group of people are trekking through the jungles of Central America. A teenaged, un-tattooed Chevrolet is there. Also there is his father, Ford Anglia. Ford Anglia wears a jungle-explorer's hat, large orange sunglasses, and looks remarkably like Emperor Palpatine from "Star Wars_."]

**Ford Anglia:** Chevrolet, has this trek through the jungles inspired you to appreciate your culture, yet?

**Chevrolet:** Honestly, father, I have done nothing the last four hours but think about how damn much you look like the Evil Emperor. If I didn't know that Palpatine was a white-guy, and we were full-blooded Indians, I'd think there was a relation.

**Ford Anglia:** [_Casually tossing a cobra out of his way_] Full-blooded Indians? If I ever told you that son, I misspoke. There was one white man in our family, centuries ago, in the 1960s. He went on long treks like us, and I wear this hat in his honor. His name was Poacher, or Huntsman…I forget. Anyway, he invented Gonzo Journalism, and used it to expose the ignorance of the establishment, even braving Bat Country to get to the suite before the ether kicked in!

**Chevrolet:** Father, what the hell are you talking about?

**Ford Anglia:** I don't know I'm stoned.

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY-FOR-A-POLITICALLY-INCORRECT-EPISODE ROOM: <strong>

**Myway:** The Rubber Tire People, in the Dipwad Quadrant? I wonder how that could've happened!

**Chevrolet: **Tribes were often pushed far away from their original territories, Captain. Some Indians are known to have been pushed as far as Never Land.

**Captain Myway: **Well, if I found a leprechaun on a planet, I'd want to investigate it and learn more about my own culture. So you have my permission to take a team down, and look for your tribe. We need some minerals from that planet anyway, to repair the ship.

* * *

><p><strong>TRANSPORTER ROOM: <strong>

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** I can't beam anyone down to the surface of that planet! Whenever I try, a storm starts up. It's as if someone down there can control the weather. [_Hopefully_] We're not due for any "X-Men" crossovers, are we? [_Mutters_] If I could get Storm's autograph…

**Ensign Fairly Dim:** Maybe there are mermaids down there, creating those storms! Oh my god, if there are mermaids and Indians, then maybe there's pirates and fairies too! [_Bouncing up and down_] We found Never Never Land! We can fly! We just need some pixy dust!

[_Dim runs around the room, searching for a pixy. Everyone else ignores him, getting back to work. Dim finally notices Keish, in her leafy green Tinkerbell outfit, sparkling with Oompa Loompan essence, as usual_. _He pinches up some glitter from her shoulder, and sprinkles it over himself. Keish watches, impressed, as Dim rises off the ground, and starts soaring around the room, Peter Pan style._]

**B'Zooka:** I think we'll just have to take a shuttle craft.

[_Dim soars overhead, and crashes into the wall. Keish cringes slightly, worried for him. No one else reacts_.]

**Myway:** All right then. Chevrolet, you can pilot a shuttle, right? Of course you can, you piloted your Mosquito ship through the pink yogurt nebula, you're a great pilot!

**Chevrolet:** Well yes, I can fly but…

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLE CRAFT: <strong>

**Chevrolet**: …I'm not very good at landing.

[_Chevrolet, Tourguide, Tuvacca, and Cakemix are in the shuttle_.]

**Tuvacca:** While you search for your tribe Commander, Lt. Tourguide and I will look for the minerals needed to repair the ship.

**B'Zooka:** [_Shakes head_] I thought taking a shortcut through that asteroid field was a crack-idea, but that idiot Parsnip just _had_ to show off his piloting skills. We'll be looking for any kind of minerals that can reverse the damage done by giant asteroid-slug teeth.

**Cakemix:** And what mesa job today? [_Looks around_] Also, why wesa no bringing any nameless crewmen to test for booby-traps, like usual?

[_Silence_.]

**Tuvacca:** Another storm is beginning. We'll have to pilot through it. Remember the advice I gave you on piloting, Commander: focus!

[_Chevrolet looks out the window, at the rolling, thundering clouds. The clouds are made of cardboard, and painted in the style of Monty Python animation. Suddenly, the clouds part, to reveal a face! It looks like Monty Python's God, but with a feathered Indian headdress instead of a crown. Chevrolet stares, shocked_.]

**Sky Spirit:** Oh stop groveling! I can't stand when people grovel.

**Chevrolet:** S-Sorry,

**Sky Spirit:** And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this," and "Forgive me that," and "I'm not woooorthy," [_Rolls eyes_] What are you doing now?

**Chevrolet:** I'm averting my eyes, Great Spirit.

**Tuvacca:** Commander! Less talking to yourself, more piloting—

_**CRASH!  
><strong>_[_The four step out of the smoking shuttle, into the forest. Chevrolet looks at Tuvacca, and shrugs bashfully. Tuvacca stares at him_.]

**Tuvacca:** You make me sad.

**Chevrolet:** [_Sigh_] Might as well continue with the mission. You guys look for the materials. I'll be having some flashbacks if you need me.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FLASHBACK!<strong>_

**Ford Anglia:** All right everyone, stop! We've reached the territory of our cousins. Now we must put down our weapons, to show that we are not enemies.

**Toyota [Chevrolet's sister]:** Oh jeez, [_Rubs forehead, embarrassed_]

**Windstar:** Weapons, Uncle Ford? Why would we have weapons? Was this supposed to be a hunting trip? Or are we just walking through a… [_Looks around dubiously_]…really dangerous neighborhood?

[_Ford, not answering, starts to unload a pile of phaser rifles, Tommy-guns, "Star Wars" blasters, and a bazooka, onto the ground_.]

**Windstar:** Holy sh*t!

**Ford Anglia:** Always stay armed, to protect yourself from the corrupt establishment! Another tradition started by our ancestor—

**Chevrolet:** Um, Father….who are those freaks?

[_The group is now faced with a tribe of people dressed in traditional Native American clothing…but for some reason, these Indians have dinosaur-like crest things on their foreheads_.]

**Ford Anglia:** Oh look, it's our cousins.

**Toyota:** Do our cousins have alien blood in them, or something?

**Ford Anglia:** [_Ignoring her_] Cousins! We have come to visit you!

**Alien Chief: **_Wi fa hoosen snackledorff! _

**Chevrolet:** What's _that _mean?

**Ford Anglia:** Naked tiiiime!

[_The "cousins" remove Ford Anglia's clothes, revealing his groovy 1970s-patterned boxer shorts, and toss on traditional Central American shirts and pants. Some young women move to do the same to Chevrolet, but he shoves them off._]

**Chevrolet:** No! No thank you! I'm not sure about my sexuality yet!

[_Chevrolet goes over to a sleeping jaguar, and flops against it, like a sofa, with a pouting expression_. _The girls leave him, very disappointed_.]

**Toyota:** Seriously! What are these things? Are they aliens who, like, intermarried into our tribe? Or humans who were genetically mutated? Or, or what? Any explanation? Any? Hello?

**Ford Anglia:** Hold still, Chevrolet. Our cousins will give us tattoos, like they've got.

[_Indeed, the cousins have tattoos on their foreheads, of a tribal design. The design looks like a curved rainbow, ending in a shooting star. They reach into their loin cloths and take out little, square, sheets of paper. They lick the paper, and then place the new temporary tattoos onto Chevrolet, his father, his sister, and the rest of the group_.]

* * *

><p><strong>PRESENT:<strong>

**Chevrolet:** Speaking of which, I think it's fading again. [_Pulls some temporary tattoos out of his uniform pocket_.] Oh, what do I want this time…turquoise? Indigo? Ocean-blue? Hmm….Indigo, yeah. [_Licks the paper…_]

**SICKBAY:**

**Fairly Dim:** …and then I crashed into the wall. And now my head hurts, The Doctor.

**The Doctor:** [_Fixing Dim's head injury_] Next time, leave the flying to Mr. Parsnip. You're cured, now get lost.

[_Without looking up, The Doctor shoves Dim away with one hand. Dim stumbles backwards, out of Sickbay, and falls into some walking crewman, causing mayhem_.]

**The Doctor:** [_Sign_]Next.

**Ensign Spam Wildthing:** My baby's horns are poking me again, The Doctor. If you have any painkillers, or something that could ease up this two-year pregnancy, I'd be grateful.

**The Doctor:** Hrmph. Here, this should ease the pain and raise your mood. [_Shoves a can of Orange Soda into her hand_.] Next time, I'd suggest using a condom.

**Spam Wildthing:** We _did_ use a condom. But Rhino People's _sperm_ have little horns, too, apparently.

**The Doctor:** Then use two next time.

**Keish:** [_Glares and the Doctor, then comforts Spam_] Call me day or night if you need anything else, Spam. Pain killers, fairy dust, a song, just let me know.

**Spam Wildthing:** Thank you, Keish. [_Leaves_]

**Keish:** You should have more empathy for people's pain, The Doctor! I'll bet you wouldn't think it was so trivial to get a concussion, be pregnant with a Rhinoceros Baby, or evolve into a mutant-space-lizard if you experience it for yourself!

**The Doctor:** Hmm. I accept your "bet," Keish. I will program myself to have a two-day cold, and bet you that I won't complain once over the next two days! If I lose, I'll give you a case of Orange Soda. If I win, you have to use your telepathic abilities to convince the crew that they want to listen to my opera concert.

**Keish:** Deal! [_Shakes his hand_]

* * *

><p><strong>PLANET: <strong>

**Cakemix:** [V.O.] Commander! Yousa won't believe what I found! It's a telephone booth, right here, sitting in the middle of the jungle! Mesa calling you from the phone right now—AAAH! BIRDS! THE BIRDS!

**Chevrolet:** Cakemix?! [_Runs_] We can't afford to lose him. He may be annoying, but without his coffee, Captain Myway would go clean off the deep-end!

[_Cakemix, Tuvacca, and Tourguide meet at a little 1950s phone booth in the forest. Inside, Cakemix panics, as a swarm of birds fly around, pecking at the glass. One of them gets in, and attacks Cakemix's eye_.]

**Cakemix:** No! My too young to die!

**Chevrolet:** Chevrolet to Frogger! Beam Cakemix to Sickbay!

[_Cakemix is beamed away_]

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Man, if Keish's sing-song birdies were like that, _no one_ would bully us for the rest of the journey!

**Tuvacca:** Indeed. I am starting to get concerned about this mission. We should proceed with caution.

**Chevrolet:** Couldn't agree with you more. Everyone, drop your phasers.

**Tourguide:** What?!

**Chevrolet:** We must show the inhabitants here that we mean them no harm. [_Shrugs_.] Come on, they're probably armed with pointed sticks. We all have martial-arts training for that type of thing, don't we?

**Tuvacca:** I _am_ skilled in the art of defending oneself against a fiend armed with a banana.

**Tourguide:** Whatever. I just wanna get this episode over with. [_Tosses her phaser to the ground_.]

**Tuvacca:** I will comply with your orders Commander. But, I will make a note in my log, that you are quite clearly stoned.

**Chevrolet:** [_Now wearing purple shades_.] Do. [_Takes a puff from a short joint; exhales cloudy white smoke_.] Do.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FLASHBACK!<strong>_

[_Chevrolet, his family, and their "cousins" are all chilling around the jungle, leaning on live jaguars and panthers for couches, drinking lemonade_.]

**Chevrolet:** Father, I put in my resume to Star Freak academy, and got accepted in by Captain Lulu himself!

**Ford Anglia:** That queer sword-fighting Chinaman from Captain Flirt's ship?

**Chevrolet:** The same. He says that with my unique heritage and conflicted personality, I'd make a great character on a "Trek" series someday! I want you blessing to go.

**Ford Anglia:** If you leave you'll be caught between two worlds! The new and the old! Technology and tradition!

**Chevrolet:** What, you mean like you are, by wearing a modern hat, and carrying modern weapons? Seriously Pops, where do you get off?

**Ford Anglia:** We get off at bus stop #3, but I don't see how that's important right now. Son, you cannot leave and have your own life! Tradition says that it is a child's duty to stay at home and be nagged, let me make your bed for you, and not bother with finding a job—wait, that's your Mother's lines. What am I saying? Get the hell out of this house before I kick you out, kiddo! You're nineteen already!

**Chevrolet: **Fifteen. Okay bye!

[_Chevrolet leaps over his "sofa," making it snarl in annoyance, and runs off into the jungle_.]

**Chevrolet: [V.O.]** _And so I ran away from my home and past, to sing "Hakunna Matata" with my new friends in Star Freak. Until my father was killed, and I decided to avenge his death and take my place in the Circle of Life. I even chat with his ghost now and then. This series was being put together the year "Lion King" came out. Coincidence?_

**Tuvacca:** If you're quite finished with your mushroom flashbacks Commander, you might notice that there's a hurricane.

[_Tuvacca, Chevrolet and B'Zooka stand in the middle of the hurricane's eye_.]

**Chevrolet:** Okay okay, jeeeze! [_Hits smiley com. badge_] Chevrolet to Frogger, three to beam up!

**Crewman Skully:** That position won't work, Commander. Too much interference. Move a little to the left. Like, ten yards.

[_Tuvacca and B'Zooka hurry on. Chevrolet thinks about moving. Suddenly, lightning strikes a nearby tree. It falls fairly slowly, but Chevrolet doesn't move. Instead, he stands there, stoned, staring at it. Finally, he covers his face with his arms. The tree squashes him to the ground, knocking his smiley faced badge off. The badge is beamed away without him_.]

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER: <strong>

**Tuvacca:** Chevrolet is lost. What a tragedy. Oh well. Must move on, before we lose more—

**Myway:** [_Scolding_] Nooo, Tuvacca.

**Tuvacca:** [_Grumbles_]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY:<strong>

**The Doctor:** WA-ZOOO! [Sniff.] There, you see, Keish. I have a runny nose, but I'm not complaining.

**Keish:** [_Smiles, narrowing eyes_] Reeeally.

**The Doctor:** Really, really. There, Mr. Cakemix, your eyeball is cured.

**Cakemix: **Aw, mesa was hoping to get an eye-patch, and be a pira—

[_The Doctor shoves him out of sickbay, slamming the doors on him_.]

**The Doctor: **Wait a moment, it's 0200 hours already. My flu was programmed to end at midnight! Why is my nose still runny? Computer, cure Emergency Regular Character!

**Computer:** Unable to comply. And congratulations.

**The Doctor:** Congratulations? On what? [_Looks down, and sees he is pregnant_] AH! How did this happen? I've never even…I'm a holo-virgin!

**Keish:** Maybe it's Jesus.

**The Doctor:** Well no Archangel came and gave _me_ an annunciation! What am I going to do!

**Keish:** Maybe you should've used a condom.

**The Doctor:** How could I when I don't even remember—Oh no, it must've been all those drinks I had at Sardine's the other night! That French hussy wouldn't keep her hands off me! I'm going back to the holodeck and demanding child support!

* * *

><p><strong>PLANET: <strong>

[_Chevrolet wakes up, and finds himself in front of a cave. Footprints lead _in.]

**Chevrolet:** Am I meant to follow these footprints into the cave, and meet my tribe? Or do they want me to stay away? Give me a sign, Great Spirit!

[_A sheet of paper is suddenly lowered from the sky, by a fishing line. Chevrolet takes it off the hook. It reads: STRIP!_]

**Chevrolet:** If you say so…

[_The Disco song "Low-Rider" plays as he removes the jacket of his uniform, and swings it into a tree John-Travolta-style. He then peels off his shirt, and everything else, until he's butt-naked_. _We can now see all of his other tattoos; the coiled snake on his arm, the unfinished "I Love Sals" tattoo on his back, and the butterfly on his rump._]

**Chevrolet:** This is awkward,

[_Some new clothes are suddenly tossed out of the cave, landing over his face. He puts them on. They look like white gym clothes, with the logo of the Rubber Tire people on the shirt_.]

**Chevrolet:** Okay, this is better.

[_He enters the cave. The alien natives from his flashback are there, sitting on a sofa. (A real one this time.) They are drinking Orange Soda, while watching "Alf" on a small TV_.]

**Chevrolet:** He-eh-em.

**Alien #1:** Yo. [_Sips Orange soda_.]

**Chevrolet:** …IIII'm here.

**Alien #3:** [_Belch_] Yup.

**Chevrolet:** Sooo….you guys are my tribe, or something?

**Alien #2:** The one and only. Here, check it out.

[_The aliens flip to the History Channel. Chevrolet takes a seat on the couch, and helps himself to an Orange Soda_.]

**TV:** _Today's documentary will focus on the Rubber Tire People. Long ago, the American Indians had no language and no culture, and were just backwards cavemen. But they had a respect for the land, because you know, they're Indians. Then white people from outer space came, and gave them a culture. But when other white people from Europe came, these aliens left, and didn't even bother to use their superior technology to help the tribes fight off their new attackers. _

**Chevrolet:** …Excuse me?

**TV:** _And this concludes our section on Indian Tribes in the Dipwad Quadrant. Next week's episode: Deep Space Jews!_

**Chevrolet:** This, this is a joke, right?

**Alien #3:** You see Chevrolet, this is why we cannot allow outsiders to interfere with our planet. All Indians are naturally kind to nature, and all white people are naturally tree-chopping crackers. It's best to keep the races apart you know.

**Alien #1:** But with inter-_species_ mixing, that's different.

**Chevrolet:** Okay look; if you're not gonna take this seriously, then I'm gonna leave.

**Alien #2:** Flip back to "Alf," the commercial break's probably over by now!

[_Chevrolet stands up, miffed. He starts to leave, stops, grabs his soda, then casually exits the cave_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**Keish**: There, there, The Doctor, it's almost over. Just keep pushing.

[_The Doctor lies on a biobed, giving birth. Ensign Spam Wildthing stands nearby, videotaping it gleefully_.]

**The Doctor:** Aaaa, aaa, when I find out who the father is I'm going to kill him! Or her!

[_Keish finally hands the Doctor a bundle. The Doctor takes it, happily_.]

**The Doctor:** Oh, my baby! Is it a boy or a girl? What will I name it? I haven't even named myself!

[_The Doctor moves the blankets apart, but inside, there is no baby. Instead, there is a large plastic Easter egg. Curiously, The Doctor opens it. Inside is a sheet of paper that reads: "NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS, THE DOCTOR! From Keish_."]

**The Doctor:** Keish! _You_ got me pregnant?! Cakemix won't like that! [_Tosses the egg away, and hops off the bed_.] All right, from now on I'll show more respect to my patients…especially the female ones. [_Mutters_.] For as long as I value my program, especially the fiendish female ones.

**BRIDGE: **

[_Everyone's sitting around, bored, talking casually_.]

**Tuvacca:** …on the contrary, Captain. Do not mistaken a frustration with the Republicans for support of the Hippies.

**Myway:** You're right, I could never get with either party. My conservative friends never liked how I'd butcher the prime directive to help needy aliens, and the liberals always frowned on my unique defense methods. [_Pats the phaser rifle under her chair, as if patting a cherished pet dog_.]

[_Chevrolet comes running in from the turbo-lift, in a hurry to escape from this freakishly dreadful episode. He's in his Star Freak uniform again_.]

**Myway:** Chevrolet? Where'd you come from?

**Chevrolet:** A VERY stupid episode. We'd better get Frogger away from this planet, before it becomes a two-parter.

**Myway:** [_Concerned_] How bad is it?

**Chevrolet:** "Threshold" bad!

**Myway:** [_Quickly turns back around_.] Take us out of here Parsnip, Warp 9!

**Tim Parsnip:** Aye Captain!

[_Chevrolet leaps over the railing and into his chair, then takes a long sip of Orange Soda_.]

**Chevrolet:** I'll pray to the Sky Spirits that no other Earth culture shows up in deep space again. I wouldn't wish an episode like this on anyone!

* * *

><p><strong>MEANWHILE, IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SET OF ADVENTURES, FOR A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STARSHIP: <strong>

[_In a swirling, hippie-colored dimension of subspace, a group of blue, slug-like aliens wearing black hats and beards dance the Hora, while Jewish fiddle music plays. They are holding up a chair, where a woman in a Star Freak uniform sits awkwardly. Her com badge chirps_.]

**Voice:** Ensign Silverstein? Are you there?

**Ensign Silverstein:** Captain…get me out of here…

**THE END!**

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Pointless trivia: "Tattoo" was one of the very first episodes I thought of spoofing, when I first came up with the idea for "Spoof Trek" at age 15 or 16. Some of these jokes, I thought of back then, before even writing any of these spoofs. Ironically, I never got around to spoofing "Tattoo," so these jokes sat in my brain until this week when (at age 24) I finally did the parody. **


	25. The Fight

**A/N: Anyone who hasn't seen "Dodgeball," "Rodger Rabbit" or "Cool World" will probably hate this episode. **

**Profanity for this one chapter is cranked up to 11. This will NOT be the norm for future chapters; it's only because this one is such a mindf**k.**

* * *

><p><strong>SPOOF TREK: FROGGER<strong>

"**Rocky VXIIIIIII"**

(Spoofing "The Fight," Season 5)

**Summary:** _When_ _Frogger becomes trapped in Toon Space, the one sane man aboard finally snaps and loses his marbles. Oh yeah, and some sh*t with boxing._

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

[_Commander Chevrolet is lying on a biobed. Leaning over him is Lt. Tim Parsnip. They are smooching passionately, and making out_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Mmmmm…do _not_ tell B'Zooka.

[_The Doctor enters, and stares at them_.]

**The Doctor:** Mr. Parsnip, what are you doing to Commander Chevrolet?

[_They stop kissing_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** I'm, I'm restraining him…because…he's…going…crazy! [_Smacks Chevrolet's shoulder_]

**Chevrolet:** Hmm? Oh! Oooh, aaaah, voices…in my head….or something…

**The Doctor:** I'll prescribe hypospray at once!

[_Before either of them can stop him, The Doctor picks up an Orange Soda hypospray (a can of soda with the hypospray injector attached) and injects the soda into Chevrolet's neck_.]

**The Doctor:** [_Smiling_] How do you feel now, Commander?

**Chevrolet:** ….My god, now I _am_ hearing voices! It's nothing but senseless babble, it doesn't make any sense!

**Voices:** "…Thee-be-de…tha-be-da…that's all folks!" "Eeeeh….what's up doc?" "...Ma biscuits are burnin'!" "Noids don't have sex with doodles! It's the oldest rule here in Cool World…" "…Oh my god, they killed Kenny!" "Oooooooh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea…!"

**Chevrolet:** NO! I don't want your ugly doodle women! Give the damn rabbit some Tricks already! Get out of my head Plankton, LEAVE MY BRAIN ALOOONE!

[_Tim and the Doctor exchange glances, while trying to hold down Chevrolet, who's thrashing madly_.]

**The Doctor:** What exactly was going on when I entered?

**Parsnip:** Um, [_Scratches the back of his neck_]

* * *

><p><em><strong>INSERT THEME SONG HERE<strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>LATER, IN SICKBAY: <strong>

**The Doctor: **Chief Medical Officer's log: It's been three days since Frogger became trapped in Toon Space, and despite my best efforts, it seems my injection of orange soda actually worsened Chevrolet's condition. Toon Space, as we've discovered, is an alternate reality populated by two-dimensional life forms called Toons. The Toons will only reveal themselves to a chosen individual. And for some reason, out of everyone on board, they have chosen Commander Chevrolet.

[_The Doctor goes to check on Chevrolet, who is on a biobed, lying on his stomach. He looks like shit. Chevrolet is surrounded by loud, singing, honking, beeping Toons, that only he can see. Rodger Rabbit dances a show-tune around the bed, while drinking beer; Pepe Le Pew chases Penelope Pussycat, in the opposite direction; and the little red crab-telephone from "Cool World" runs around, screaming, "FRANK!" Chevrolet regards all this with a complex mixture of rage, distain, helplessness, and "WTF?_"]

**The Doctor:** How do you feel Commander?

[_A cartoon anvil falls and crashes loudly nearby_.]

**Chevrolet:** I'd be happier without the torment, and the suffering, and the un-brushed bangs in my face.

**The Doctor:** I'm sorry Commander, but the fan girls _insist. _We do have ratings to maintain.

**Crab Phone:** FRAAAAAAAANK!

[_Chevrolet groans, and pulls a pillow over his head_.]

**Chevrolet:** [_Muffled voice_] _Frak this sh*t!_ I'm going to wind up like my grandfather. Talking to imaginary rabbits, singing show tunes [_Doc pulls the pillow off_]…just a crazy old man!

**The Doctor:** Commander, you're a thirty-something-year-old stud muffin. I think you've got a few years left before you need to start worrying. [_Fluffs pillow and puts it back under Chevrolet_]

**Rodger Rabbit:** I had a grandma once! She was a shrew! D'ha ha, geddit?!

**Chevrolet: **[_Checking fists, and teeth_] I hate Toons!

**The Doctor:** I'm sorry, but—wait, you hate Toons? Since when? You teamed up with Bart Simpson in Season 4 to save the ship, and got along with him just fine!

**Chevrolet: **_No,_ we all had a _dream_ where I teamed up with Bart Simpson. I don't care what crazy tribble-shit goes on in my _dreams_, but I can't tolerate this! My only true fear my entire life was going insane like my grandfather!

**The Doctor:** "My one fear is going insane"…says Commander Peace Pipe. Commander Vision Quest. Commander "I know how to lucid dream." Commander "My favorite hobby is getting punched in the head." You experiment on your own brain more than anyone else on this ship! You should _enjoy _being our ambassador to aliens from another dimension!

**Chevrolet:** Wait, aliens? Where am I, some kind of sci-fi show? Isn't this a "Rocky" sequel? Where are my boxing gloves?

**The Doctor:** _Son_ of a bitch. [_Rubs temples_.] Let's start from the beginning. Chevrolet, do you remember when you were on the holodeck the other day, and you saw something extraordinary?

**Chevrolet: **I swear, I didn't know what that program was when I activated it! I just saw the title "Lord of the Flies"' and assumed it was about the book! I didn't know it was going to have pizza boys and a three-breasted—

**The Doctor:** [_Voice muffled by massive face-palm_] Noooooo Commander, not _that _program. The BOXING one.

**Chevrolet:** Oh.

**The Doctor:** I need you to remember what happened. Give me a flashback if it helps.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FLASH BACK! <strong>_

[_Chevrolet is walking down the hall, with Ensign Fairly Dim_.]

**Ensign Dim:** [_Super-cheerful_] Man, three attacks from hostile aliens in one week! Y'know, I'm always amazed at how you never even flinch when we're under attack, Commander.

**Chevrolet:** You've got to keep a cool head if you're gonna survive out here.

**Fairly Dim:** I also admire how you can stay so calm and patient in the face of insanity.

[_Cakemix walks by, proudly holding a pot that contains a roaring, tentacle-flaying alien. It is clear that this will be dinner. Chevrolet waves politely_.]

**Chevrolet:** I'm a man of peace and diversity Fairly. I accept everyone, no matter how strange.

**Fairly Dim:** And with all the crazy, suicidal plans the captain cooks up, you only mutiny against them about once a month!

**Chevrolet:** I may not agree with all of her decisions, but I respect her.

**Fairly Dim:** [_Still cheerful_] You don't even seem that cut up about being in the Dipwad Quadrant!

**Chevrolet:** These things happen.

**Fairly Dim:** I hardly even see you show emotion, aside from some eyebrow movements and a curse word here and there! …Are you an Indian totem pole?

**Chevrolet:** Yes I am. Well, here's the holodeck. See you later Fairly.

[_Dim leaves, and Chevrolet enters the holodeck. He changes into his boxing gear, which includes sneakers, shorts, and—sadly—a shirt. He calmly approaches a punching bag, and then begins viciously tearing it to shreds_.]

**Chevrolet:** _FRAKING DIPWAD QUADRANT ALIENS...INSUBORDINATE CREWMEN….CRACKER CAFFEINE-ADDICT CAPTAIN…PARSNIP'S SUPER GLUE ON MY CHAIR…BORED DRONE JEPRODIZING THE SHIP AND MAKING ME HORNY….SALSA IMPREGNATING COWBOYS WITH MY DNA…CAKEMIX'S TENTACLE PASTA, HOW MANY TIMES 'I HAVE TO TELL HIM I'M VEGETARIAN…GRAAAAAAAAAAAA!_

**Voice: **That's not how ye tackle boxing, son! [_The speaker enters the scene. He's an old man in a wheelchair, with long crazy hair, and a leather jacket covered in patches_.] You've gotta grab it by the honches and hump it into submission!

* * *

><p><strong>PRESENT:<strong>

**Chevrolet:** Patches O'Houlinan. He was my training coach at the academy. I put a hologram of him in my boxing simulation. Y'know, because there's nothing weird about making holograms of people you know in real life. Seriously, what kind of creepy, twisted culture do we live in, in the 24th Century? Do we also steal each others' underwear to let someone know when we want to be friends? _It's wrong_!

**Doctor:** The _simulation_, Chevrolet.

**Chevrolet:** Right.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FLASHBACK!<strong>_

**Patches:** Today Queer-Bank, you're gonna practice dodging your opponent's punches.

**Chevrolet: **But Patches, there's no one here but you and me. How am I supposed to practice dodging my opponent if I have no opponent?

**Patches:** Well that's what this here sack of wrenches is for!

[_As soon as Patches starts to unload the metal wrenches onto the ground, Chevrolet has his fists up and ready. He dodges every wrench—until he sees something floating in midair. It's a pair of cartoon eyes. A pair of purple, pointed ears follows, and then, the wide grin of Disney's Cheshire Cat. While he's distracted, a huge wrench crashes right into his tattoo_.]

**SICKBAY: **

[_Chevrolet sits in sickbay, bloody and with sweaty bangs all over his face. He's still wearing his muscle shirt, and boxing-bandages on his hands. Both he and the Doctor try to ignore the endless clicks and squeals, as millions of female Trekkies rush frantically for the "pause" button_.]

**The Doctor:** …and look, your lovely tattoo was damaged. Why do you partake in such a barbaric sport?

**Chevrolet: **To practice my punching skills, which I've used to help save this ship's shinny metal ass from bad guys on a regular basis. You're welcome.

**The Doctor:** Hold still, I need to re-attach your ear. You should've come straight to sickbay after that wrench hit you, instead of fighting that Mike Tayson hologram.

[_Their conversation continues, as the doctor fuses Chevrolet's severed ear back onto his head_.]

**Chevrolet:** You know I once saw General Mindfok go twenty-three rounds with Gul Douchebag in the Neutral Zone? Best match I ever saw!

**The Doctor: **All right, when you're seeing a Clingon in a boxing ring with a Cargassian, that's a sign to cut back on the drugs.

**Chevrolet:** Speaking of hallucinations The Doctor, I saw something strange on the holodeck.

**The Doctor:** I'll bet you did.

**Chevrolet:** No, I mean before the wrench hit me.

**The Doctor:** Give the peace pipe a break.

_**BOOM!**_[_Ships shakes_]

**Captain Myway [V.O.]:** All regulars to the Bridge—except you, the Doctor.

**Chevrolet: **[_Sigh_.] Never mind.

[_Chevrolet begins to peel off his shirt. Millions of females gasp…but are disappointed when it turns out that he has his Star Freak uniform on underneath his boxing gear_.]

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

**Chevrolet: **What'd I miss?

**Captain Myway: **There's a spatial distortion approaching us.

**Ensign Fairly Dim:** It's already affecting the ship Captain! Look, it turned Chevrolet's hair sexy!

**Chevrolet:** No, Ensign, I just didn't have time to gel my bangs up today.

**Fairly Dim:** Oh.

**Tuvacca:** The distortion is growing, Captain.

[_On the viewscreen, the stars scatter and dance. A blue planet floats by, with the face of Disney's Genie. In the distance, one sees cartoon anvils and safes falling; cats chasing birds and mice; familiar characters from Disney, Looney Tunes, and Hannah Barbara; colorful buildings with faces; and dark, twisted, skyscrapers with screaming mouths for doorways. Suddenly, it all comes flying towards Frogger at lightspeed. The scenery rolls by, with the surreal soundtrack of "Cool World" playing from nowhere_.]

**Tuvacca: **The distortion has engulfed us, Captain. I am reading anvils off the port bow, mallets crashing into our hull, David Bowie music coming from the left—

**Telephone Line:** Captain, I recognize this anomaly. It is a rare but horrifying phenomenon known as Toon Space. It's a region of space where the laws of physics are nonexistent, and where everything is two-dimensional. The level of silliness is quadruple anything else in the known universe. Only one Cardboard Box has ever escaped to alert the Collective.

**Captain Myway:** I suppose something this crazy _would_ be bad for the Bored. Can it hurt us?

**Telephone Line:** It can certainly hurt the ship's hulls. Anvils, mallets and safes will soon be pummeling the ship from every direction. Shields will protect us but only for a time. There will also be psychological damage to anyone onboard who dislikes Toons.

**Chevrolet: **[_Twitching_]

**Telephone Line: **I can explain more to you in Ass-Trometrics, Captain.

**Myway:** All right. Chevrolet, you've got the bridge.

[_Myway and Telephone leave. Chevrolet turns to go to his chair, but stops when he sees the Cheshire Cat already sitting there_.]

**Chevrolet: ** Does anybody see that?!

[_He points. The Cheshire Cat bobs on his tail, grinning like a jackass_.]

**Tuvacca:** I see you making a fool of yourself Commander. Cease your activities with the peace pipe, just for a week, please.

[_The Cheshire Cat vanishes_.]

**Tim Parsnip: **Hey Chevrolet, are you okay?

**Chevrolet:** [_Rubbing his head_] I _challenge_ this day to get any shittier.

**Computer: **Challenge accepted. Begin round one. DING!

**Chevrolet:** Who said that? [_Looking around madly_]

**Tuvacca:** Said what, Commander?

_PUNCH!_

[_Chevrolet has sent Tuvacca across the room. Everyone looks up. Chevrolet continues trying to punch Tuvacca, who just stands there dodging him, very confuse_d.]

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** ….the Frak?

**Tim Parsnip:** Well it's obvious he's hallucinating! I know he boxes on his spare time, so I guess that's got something to do with it...

**Fairly Dim:** Huh, then I guess we should call Sickbay.

[_Parsnip, B'Zooka, Dim, and the other crewmen all exchange glances. Then they all dash away. They return a second later, with popcorn, baseball caps, and little flags with Chevrolet's tattoo on them_, _cheering him on_.]

**Tim Parsnip: **[_Microphone_] On the right, the Tattooed Terror! And to the left, the Vulcan Viper! Odds are running 3 to 1 that it ends with Tuvacca getting punched in the head and going crazy yet again… [_Rambling on_]

**Cakemix:** Peeeeanuuuts! Get 'cher peeeanuuuuts!

**Tuvacca: **This is absurd. [_Gives Chevrolet the Vulcan nerve pinch, rendering him unconscious_.] I am taking the Commander to Sickbay. Toon Space, it seems, is already having an effect on this ship.

[_Tuvacca drags Chevrolet to the turbo-lift by his ankles, letting his head clobber up the steps of the bridge._]

**Fairly Dim:** T'hehe, I got it on my I-phone.

[_Everyone rushes over and leans over Dim's consol, as he replays the punch over and over_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

[_Myway enters, and hears someone singing "The Fun Song" from "Spongebob." She draws her phaser._]

**Myway:** The Toons are on the ship already?! [_Looks around, terrified_]

**The Doctor:** No, Captain. I'm having Chevrolet sing me a few notes so I can make sure nothing's wrong with his voice.

**Myway:** Oh. [_Sheaths her phaser_.]

**Chevrolet:** [_Sarcasm_] Pretty soon I'll be doing show tunes around the bridge.

[_Tuvacca stops by the opened door for a moment, holding an ice pack to his black eye._]

**Tuvacca:** Commander, the day I see you do such a thing, I will personally wet myself.

**The Doctor: **Chevroletlost his mind on the bridge and punched Lt. Tuvacca. He was clearly hallucinating. Why he was hallucinating about boxing, I have no idea. It's almost as if he has some deeply repressed desire to punch us all in the face. But I don't know why anyone would want to do such a thing.

**Myway:** Why indeed. [_Rolls eyes_.] Do you know what made him hallucinate?

**Chevrolet:** The family curse. [_Sits up on the biobed_.] When my great-great grandfather was in college, he attended a Conference for Walking Stereotypes. While he was discussing spirit quests and animal guides with a Romani fortune teller, he asked her a question that came out slightly ruder than he meant to. He said to her, "So Miss, I understand that you are a Gypsy. But, are you the kind of Gypsy who finds the term 'Gypsy' offensive, or the kind of thinks it's okay? Oh, and please don't steal my watch." She put a curse on him and the entire family, giving us a gene that would make us go crazy at some time in our life. My family doctor turned the gene off in me before I was even born…

**The Doctor:** …but somehow it was reactivated when we entered Toon Space.

**Myway:** Wait, how does that work, turning genes on and off?

**The Doctor:** I'll show you.

[_The Doctor brings up Chevrolet's DNA on a consol screen. He zooms in on a strand labeled "Crazy Gene." Visible is a light-switch, with signs "ON" and "OFF." The gene is flipped to "ON." The Doctor flips it to "OFF," and smiles proudly for a moment. Then it flips back on. The Doctor frowns, and flips it off again. It pops back on. The Doctor forces it down with duct tape. The switch sinks in, as if the duct tape is water; swims upward; and pops out, in the "ON" position. Chevrolet looks petrified._]

**Myway:** Chevrolet! [_Grabs his shoulders_.] Listen to me. You. Are not. Going. Crazy. Plenty of people see things when they're stressed out or sleep deprived, and it doesn't mean they've lost their marbles. Understand?

[_They stare intently at each other. Then, Chevrolet's tattoo peels off his face, unfolds into two parts like a butterfly, and flaps away. Myway and the Doctor do not see this_.]

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY-FOR-COOKIES ROOM: <strong>

[_All the regulars are present except Chevrolet. Through the window, the stars are still going nuts, and trees and buildings are singing idiotically. Anvils, hammers and safes crash against the shields, making the shields shimmer and the ship quake. Everyone looks disturbed, except Cakemix, who's singing along with the Toons_.]

**Myway: **[_Bangs her coffee mug like a hammer_] Order, order. This meeting has begun! [_Sips coffee_.] So. Our shields are weakening against the anvils and whatnot; we're almost out of coffee; and the closest thing this crew has to a sane person has just snapped and lost his marbles. How screwed are we? Anyone? Tuvacca?

**Tuvacca: **_Extremely_ screwed, Captain. We are _extremely_ screwed.

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** The ship won't survive Captain. Toon Space is a level of silly that's far too high for a Federation starship. Frogger was designed to withhold against mangled science, bad CGI, and implausible aliens, but not….all of this! [_Gestures to the window_]

**Tim Parsnip:** Wait, wait. If the Doc and I are both here, who's watching Chevrolet?

**Myway:** No one. He wanted to go on a Vision Quest, so I sent him to his quarters to do so. [_Sips coffee_.]

[_Silence. Everyone looks around, waiting for someone to say something. More silence_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Chevrolet, aren't you going to point out the Captain's stupidit—Oh, wait. [_Looks at Chevrolet's empty chair_.] Uh….so now what do we do?

**Tuvacca:** We repress our emotions and carry on.

**B'Zooka:** We kill something! [_Pounds fist_]

**Telephone Line: ** I am Bored, and socially inept. Please rephrase the question.

**Fairly Dim:** [_Terrified_] Eeeeep!

**Cakemix: **_….aaaall just because I…ripped my pants! _

**Myway: **We drink more coffee, and come up with as many dangerous options as possible.

**Chevrolet's Empty Chair: **_…._

**The Doctor: **…My _god_, I've got to heal him and fast ...

* * *

><p><strong>FLASH FORWARD: <strong>

**The Doctor: **It's not good, Commander. Peace pipe or not, you're the glue that holds this wack-job crew together, and keeps them from eating each other. Without you to talk sense into the captain and punch the underlines into obedience…well, we might not need Toon Space to tear the ship apart! ….The Vision Quest, now. Tell me about it.

**Chevrolet:** Well, uh, it's this Indian thing you do where you go off in the woods…except "Spoof Trek" has its own weird version where you wear a metal head-thinggy that gives you fever dreams…

[_The Doctor wants to strangle Chevrolet, but manages to stop himself_.]

**The Doctor:** What did you see inside THAT Vision Quest?

* * *

><p><strong>FLASHBACK, CHEVROLET'S QUARTERS: <strong>

[_Chevrolet sits on the floor, and plays his Indian music record player_.]

**Chevrolet:** Blah blah blah we are far from the stereotypes of our ancestors yada yada whatever.

[_He finds himself in the jungle, with his grandfather, Dodge Caravan. But it's not the jungle he grew up in. The trees and rocks are flat, brightly colored, have faces, and are singing. It is a Toon jungle. Chevrolet appears as he normally does, but is wearing casual pants, and "Spaceballs" the T-Shit_. _It's a childhood memory, just without any crappy kid actors_. ]

**Chevrolet:** Grandfather, you have to take your medicine! That will solve everything for you! Wait, if that solves everything, then why am I so afraid of going crazy? All it means is I'll need to start taking meds daily, like 99% of the U.S. population… I wonder if I overreacted.

**Dodge Caravan: **Carola, my grandson,

**Chevrolet:** My name's Chevrolet, Grandfather. Carola's my cousin.

**Dodge Caravan:** Cadillac,

**Chevrolet:** My _other _cousin.

**Dodge Caravan: **Saturn,

**Chevrolet:** The cat. [_Sigh_.]

**Dodge Caravan:** ….being crazy isn't so bad once you get used to it. You won't even want to take your meds. And no one will be able to force us to, because I'm so old and frail it might kill me, and you're so good at punching people that you might kill them!

[_A Toon taxi cab zips to a halt in front of Chevrolet_.]

**Toon Cab: **Get inside the car, Chevrolet! Or you'll be late for your match!

**Dodge Caravan:** T'hehe…'Get in the car _Chevrolet'_….

**Chevrolet:** No! I won't be like you, you crazy old fart!

[_All_ _of the Toons gasp at Chevrolet_.]

**Toon Cab:** Hey! Show a little respect for the elderly why don't'cha!

**Chevrolet:** Oh I'm allowed to insult him, he's family. That's my grandfather who went crazy when I was a kid, and traumatized me for the rest of my life. Because he was too proud to take his meds. Thanks, jackass.

**Dodge Caravan: **[_Talking to thin air_] No, Harvey, I can't have a long conversation with you today. If we don't wrap up this uncomfortable scene soon, the author's going to feel horrible, and it'll be yet another Parody Paradox!

**Bonkers D. Bobcat: **What happened to him? Was he in 'Nam or something?

**Chevrolet:** No, he had an illness that let him see Toons. Like you idiots. Oh what's YOUR problem?!

[_Chevrolet is talking to Rodger Rabbit, who is shedding huge, Toon tears_.]

**Rodger Rabbit:** No wonder you hate us! If Toons made my grandma crazy I'd hate me too!

**Chevrolet:** [_Rolls eyes_] God dammit Rodger, I don't hate you. I could never harm a furry animal, even a…[_twitch_]…Toon one.

[_Rodger continues to cry, while Bonkers and the Cab comfort him_. _Then the "Cool World" crab phone returns._]

**Crab Phone:** FRAAAAAANK! FRANK FRAKNK FRAAAAANK! THE BOXING MATCH IS A NO-SHOW! WE'RE GONNA LOSE OUR BET!

**Chevrolet: **Oh _Pah Wraiths_ Rodger, if I say I'll do the match, will you shut up?

**Rodger:** [_Stops crying_] Really?!

**Chevrolet:** Yes, fine. Just get this acid trip over with.

[_Reluctantly, he enters the Toon cab. Several singing trees and creepy skyscrapers later, Chevrolet is in a strange boxing ring_. _Everyone in the crowd is a Toon. If you have a favorite cartoon character, he or she is there, doing whatever they do best._]

**Chevrolet:** Why's this ring have only three sides?

**Darkwing Duck:** Foolish fool! You stand within the Cheese Ring!

[_Chevrolet looks down, and sees that the floor of the ring is indeed yellow and looks like Swiss cheese. Chevrolet wears boxing gear, with a shirt that reads "Tattooed Terror." If this parody was more accurate, it would read "Mosquito Mauler," but that joke just doesn't translate. Heh, Paradox._]

**Chevrolet:** 'Kay…who's my opponent?

**Darkwing Duck:** Kid Doom!

[_With his gas-gun, Darkwing points to a figure in the corner, who looks like he could kill Chevrolet with one punch. Kid Doom has his back turned, and wears a black robe, and a '40s styled hat_.]

**Patches O'Houlihan:** Go get 'im, son! Oh, and this time, land a goddamn punch! It's like watchin' a buncha' chimps tryin' ta hump a doorknob out there!

**Chevrolet: **Patches, I don't know if boxing's my thing after all. You know, I've always wanted to try my hand at writing parodies—

[_Tim Parsnip sticks his head under the ropes, holding a PADD_]

**Tim Parsnip:** Hey Chevrolet, according to this troll on 4chan, this is all a rip-off a "Yu Gi Oh!" episode where Joey gets trapped in a cave, and the beings who live there won't let him leave until he proves himself by playing a children's card game! Just replace the cave with Toon Space and the card game with boxing!

**Chevrolet:** What?! "Yu Gi Oh?!" Give me that PADD!

**Tim Parsnip: **Oh, don't wanna trust your friends? Fine Tattoo Boy, you're on your own!

**Cakemix: **No worries! Mesa in your fever dream too! My gonna defend you! Mesa your humble servant!

**The Doctor:** Match is canceled! Someone's trying to wake him up! I hear there's a bear-baiting in the other arena, have fun—wait, I say this in the actual episode! What's this line doing in a parody?

* * *

><p><strong>CHEVROLET'S QUARTERS:<strong>

**Tim Parsnip**: Huh. Trapped in a vision quest. I didn't know that was possible. Then again, Christians and Jews have been trapped in sermons so long that the cops mistook them for hostage situations, so I guess it's only fair that Chevrolet's Indian religion can do the same thing.

[_The Doctor slaps Chevrolet across the face, waking him. Sort of_.]

**Chevrolet: **Let me back in the ring! I can kick that Toon's ass!

**The Doctor:** Relax, Commander. You're not in the ring, you were having a Vision Quest—

[_Chevrolet punches Tim to the ground_.]

**The Doctor:** Ooookay, I guess you _are_ still in the ring. Mr. Parsnip, the sedative please.

[_Tim, nursing his bloody pug, hands the Doctor a Star Freak standard coconut. The Doctor whacks Chevrolet in the forehead with it, rendering him unconscious_.]

* * *

><p><strong>PRESENT:<strong>

**The Doctor: **…Well, obviously you won't remember what happened after I sedated you, so I'll fill you in. Mr. Parsnip and I dragged you back to sickbay and plopped you onto this bed. You awoke, and appeared all right. I left to inform the captain, and that's when Telephone Line informed us of her discovery, that the Toons were trying to communicate with you. When I returned, I found you and Mr. Parsnip in an unusual position, and you told me that your hallucinations had resurfaced. So I gave you a hypospray, which made things worse. Of course, if Tim hadn't been cheating on B'Zooka with you, I wouldn't have—

**Chevrolet:** The Doctor, I hear something.

[_The Crab phone leans up towards Chevrolet, with Mickey Mouse holding up the receiver. Chevrolet strains to listen_.]

**Chevrolet:** They're saying…. "We are silly but friendly… some Toons give the rest of us a bad name…Most of us want to help you escape…you are trapped in Toon Space, because the weasels are blocking your way out. They are the ones throwing the anvils and safes at your ship. You must kill the weasels to escape"…

**The Doctor: **Weasels, of course! How do we kill the weasels?

**Chevrolet: **[S_hakes head_] It doesn't make any sense, I can't keep track of what they're saying I CAN'T IT'S TOO MUCH, I'M SCARED I'M LOSING MY MIND—

**Parody Author:** …it doesn't make any sense…where do the "Sickbay frame story" scenes end and the flashbacks start? I don't know what scenes to put where in this spoof, I just popped the DVD back into this very laptop I'm typing on to try and double-check, and now I just feel like I was stoned for a week, I CAN'T SPOOF THIS EPISODE! I CAN'T FOLLOW THE PLOT! IT'S TOO MUCH!

**The Doctor:** CALM DOWN BOTH OF YOU! [_Raises two coconuts, one in each hand, threateningly_] YOU, Spoof Girl! Forget what scenes went where in the real episode, and just put them wherever it works in your parody! And you! [_Turns to Chevrolet_] You told me a bit about your vision quest, but you were stuck there for a while. Think back, and try to tell me some more. Who was there, besides Kid Doom , Patches and the Toons?

**Chevrolet:** All of you, here from Frogger. And you were being colossal assholes. Actually, _you_ were freaking psycho, Doc.

* * *

><p><strong>VISION QUEST FLASHBACK: <strong>

[_Chevrolet is on the bridge, working at a punching bag that has a picture of Wesley Crusher on it. The door to the Ready-for-a-Mindfuck room opens on and off, revealing a different shipmate each time._]

**Fairly Dim:** I look up to you. You're my role model. I copied your hairstyle for Q's sake!

**Chevrolet: **Find a new role model. Copy the Doctor's hair style.

**Myway: **I'm a manic-depressive caffeine addict. I need a sidekick whose normal enough to keep me from blowing up the ship, but interesting enough to mutiny against me every other week.

**Chevrolet:** Teach Tuvacca how to mutiny. He did it once in Season 1, didn't he?

**Telephone Line:** I am not included in your Vision Quest. Perhaps you are gay after all.

**Chevrolet:** I'm not gay I'm bisexual. I'll make my move on you after I sort out my feelings for the Captain and Tim.

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** You're being selfish Chevrolet.

**Chevrolet:** I'm doing this for you! All of you!

**B'Zooka:** Doing what for us? What's this scene supposed to represent?

**Chevrolet:** Who knows, this episode feels like it was written by the same stoned space-cadets who gave us "the Brave Little Toaster."

**Parody Author:** No, there _is_ a point to this. After seeing it twice in two days and pondering it with my flue-afflicted mind, I think I've figured it out. Chevrolet is fighting to stay sane, but in doing so is keeping the aliens from talking to him. He's trying to convince himself that he has to stay sane for the sake of his friends, but in the back of his mind he knows that's irrelevant because they'll all be crushed like a tin can if he doesn't go crazy and let the aliens talk to them.

**Fairly Dim:** Holy fish sticks, my head hurts.

**Author: **YOUR head hurts?

**Chevrolet: **YOUR heads hurt?!

**Tim Parsnip:** How frakking long is this parody? This is longer than all of the two-parters!

**Author:** Because there's just so very much to spoof!

[_Now Chevrolet is lying on a table, shirtless, getting a back-massage, from an unseen person._]

**Chevrolet:** Oh, thank you so much Tim, that feels good. And don't worry, I won't tell B'Zooka. [_Closes eyes_.]

**Voice:** He he he. Tim's on vacation. Mesa filling in for him!

[_Chevrolet's eyes pop opened. Slowly, he looks up. It's Cakemix. Chevrolet's mouth opens, in a silent, twitching scream_.]

**The Doctor: **My turn! [_Putting on a white lab coat_.] I have the most difficult job yet. I have to upstage not only you Commander, but my counterpart in the real episode! Robert Picardo is WICKED insane in this scene! WICKED I TELL YOU! [_Spinning around, crazy-eyed_] YES! Oh, don't worry Chevrolet I'll give you some credit. Your performance in this one single episode completely blows all of Tuvacca's gone-crazy episodes out of the sky. So it's not easy to upstage you. BUT I'LL DO IT! YYYYES! I'LL EVEN OUT-CRAZY THE TOOOONS! And the ending result, of all this poetry? [_Whispers_] …Show tunes! Singing trees! Mel Blank voices! Disney princesses, bad Peter Lorre impressions, flying carpets….staring to sound familiar?

**Cakemix:** What yousa talkin' about The Doctor?

**The Doctor:** Oh he knows, don't you! [_Whispers, psycho eyed_] Theeee craaaazy oooold maaan!

**Audience:** Hey Chevrolet, do you think you're gonna see Evil Doc again in your nightmares? Because we sure as fuck will.

**Chevrolet:** I think I sure as fuck will too.

**Robert Beltran:** [_Signing an autograph_] I sure as fuck did!

**Parody Author:** Why did I do this episode the week I had a fever?

**Robert Picardo:** YEEEES! [_Frightening Trekkies at a convention_] NYAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA, VICTORY IS MIIIINE…..!

* * *

><p><strong>PRESENT: <strong>

[_Captain Myway enters sickbay. The Doctor watches Chevrolet with concern. Chevrolet is lying on the bed again, looking like a million bucks. A million bucks worth of shit_. ]

**Captain Myway:** Well?

**The Doctor:** I think I overworked him.

**Chevrolet:** [_Whimpers_]

**The Doctor: **He's exhausted, Captain. The brooding, the suffering, the messy hair, he's never provided so much fan service in one episode before. No one has.

**Captain Myway: **Is it safe for him to try making contact with the Toons again?

[_Simba the lion cub sees Chevrolet, feels sorry for him, and jumps up to snuggle with him. Chevrolet almost allows it, and it's almost adorable. But then he remembers that Simba is a Toon, and punches him, sending him out of the room like a furry nurf ball_.]

**The Doctor: **Depends on how good you are at pep-talking.

**Myway:** Hmm…Chevrolet, how are you feeling?

**Chevrolet:** Kill me.

**Myway:** Chevie, I understand how you must feel. You grew up with your crazy grandfather and eccentric father. You were trained as a cadet by Patches O'Houlihan. And now you're here on this floating psycho ward in space. You've been playing the Only Sane Man your entire life. It's no wonder you've developed a fear of turning into a basket case like the rest of us. But can I show you something, that I think will make you feel better?

**Chevrolet:** I'd prefer to lie here and die with what little dignity I have left.

**Myway:** Remember yesterday, when you punched Tuvacca? It seems Fairly caught it on his I-Phone, and then B'Zooka helped him upload it to You Tube. It's got 8 million hits already.

**Chevrolet:** Really?

[_Myway shows him her phone, with the You Tube video. They scroll through the comments_.]

**Comments:** "Mosquitos kick ass!" "OMG that was so sexy!" "Mosquito Mauler FTW" "I waz punched by that Tattooed Terror in Season 1, in the mess hall, it was wicked!" "fine he can beat a vulcan but can he beat a gorn?!"

**Myway:** Does this give you the confidence you need to keep going?

[_Chevrolet nods. Timidly, he reaches out to the crab phone, to finally pick up the receiver! Rodger Rabbit, Mickey Mouse, and Simba all look on intently, while Nails the Spider nervously starts to eat the consol next to the bed._]

**Crab Phone: **FRAAAAAANK!

**Chevrolet:** My name's CHEVROLET, dumbass! [_Picks up the receiver and listens_]

_**BOOM!**_

**Tuvacca: [V.O.] **All sane Regulars to the bridge.

[_Around the ship, all the other characters look up from their work. But no one moves_.]

**Tuvacca: [V.O.]** All Regulars who are not possessed by Toons, to the Bridge.

[_Everyone takes off to the bridge, except the captain, who lingers_.]

**Myway:** It's now or never, The Doctor.

**Chevrolet:** I'm trying to listen, but it's not clear enough.

**Crab Phone:** Hurry Toyota-Camry, hurry! Your crew's running out of time!

**The Doctor:** I'll need to do something to make the hallucinations more vivid…Would it be too ethically horrible of me to induce a fever?

**Myway:** [_Throws hands up_] Why not. We've turned on his crazy-gene, bashed his head with a coconut, injected orange soda into his jugular vein, let him go on a Vision Quest and kept him awake for two days. Sure. Let's give him a fever. [_Leaves_]

[_The Doctor hovers a medical spork over Chevrolet's forehead_.]

**The Doctor:** I'm inducing a fever to heighten your hallucinations. Then I'm going to turn your gene on to "Full Max." Do you understand?

**Chevrolet:** Finland!

**The Doctor: **Good. Let's get started.

**Cakemix:** Exqueeeese me, but since my don't have any beeswax on the bridge during a crisis, maybe I can provide moral support—

[_Chevrolet punches Cakemix, sending him hurling through the Doctor with a holographic hum. The Sickbay doors open automatically, to let Cakemix fly out_.]

* * *

><p><strong>TOON BOXING RING: <strong>

[_Chevrolet comes falling in from the sky and crashes through the floor of the ring. He climbs out, suddenly in his boxing gear again_.]

**Darkwing Duck:** In the corner, representing the Airhead Quadrant, the challenger Chevrolet! And in the other corner, representing Mind-Fuckery, Kid Dooom!

[_Kid Doom turns around, revealing the creepy, emotionless face of Christopher Lloyd's Judge Doom!_]

**Kid Doom:** Hello Chevrolet. Do you remember me? When I made your grandfather crazy…[_Voice gets high pitched, and freaky Toon eyes pop through the sunglasses_] I sounded JUST! LIKE! THIS!

[_Suddenly, we see a series of Chevrolet's memories, thrown together like a badly made You Tube video_.]

**The Doctor:** You must—

**B'Zooka:** escape—

**Telephone Line:** Toon Space.

**Cakemix:** Wesa—

**Big Bird:** Two! [_Chevrolet watched "Sesame Street" as a child, so it's in his memories_]

**Disney Mad Hatter:** SILLY!

**Big Bird:** Four!

**Elmo:** U!

**The Doctor:** Do you—

**Cookie Monster:** C!

**Chevrolet:** [_fighting Kid Doom_] Yes, I see. We must escape Toon Space. But how? You mentioned weasels before. How do we kill the weasels?

**Telephone Line:** Toon Space

**Doctor:** Calls for—

**Telephone:** Toon—

**Tuvacca:** Logic!

**B'Zooka:** KILL—

**The Doctor:** Weasels!

**Myway:** By—

**Tim Parsnip:** Going—

**Rodger Rabbit:** TOON!

**Chevrolet:** [_Still fighting_] …Toon Space calls for Toon logic, kill weasels by going Toon…what the shit does that mean?

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY, REAL LIFE: <strong>

**Chevrolet: **I can't take any more punches!

**The Doctor:** No one is hitting you, you loon—

[_Chevrolet punches though the Doctor. The Doctor sighs, then grabs him and slaps his cheek_.]

**The Doctor:** Enough multitasking! You're trying to listen to the aliens and fight for your sanity at the same time. If you keep it up your head's going to explode.

[_Bonkers and Marvin the Martian have been following Chevrolet around the room—Marvin holding the crab phone, and Bonkers holding the receiver up to Chevrolet's ear._]

**Chevrolet:** If I stop fighting I'll end up crazy like every other wack-job on this ship!

**The Doctor:** That's a risk you'll have to take!

**Chevrolet:** YOU TAKE THE DAMN RISK! [_Backing away, enraged, frightened and crazy._]

[_A golden Oscar statue comes flying overhead, and comes to a spinning land on the bed Chevrolet was previously on._]

**Trekkies:** Holy Spock's beard, why the hell didn't these writers turn on Chevrolet's crazy-gene more often? If he doesn't already, Robert Beltran should play more psychos on TV!

**Robert Beltran:** I've returned to the stage, actually.

**Trekkies:** I'm buying tickets!

**Chevrolet:** What's all _that_ babbling now? That doesn't sound like Toons! Why does that asshole have the same voice as me, and what's he talking about, "acting on Spoof Trek"?!

[_The Doctor gives Chevrolet one last, massive, slap across the face_.]

**The Doctor:** YOU can get us out of Toon Space! We are all about to die! And the only thing stopping you is your fear of losing your title as Sane Guy on the Ship, and your prejudice against Toons!

**Chevrolet:** And what if the Toons leave a permanent anvil-shaped-mark on my brain?

**The Doctor:** You'll still be on Frogger. Surrounded by friends, who will take care of you.

**Bugs Bunny:** Eh, would these be the same "carin' friends" that let him go on a vision quest while his brain was already bein' gang-banged by aliens?

**Chevrolet:** [_Panting_]…kill weasels…by going toon…toon…TUNE! SHOW TUNE! I have to do a show tune!

**The Doctor:** [_Rolls eyes_] You're obviously still delusional. Get back into that boxing ring, and this time, don't come out until you've got something to say that isn't nonsense.

**Chevrolet:** But Doc it HAS to be nonsense! Toon Space, Toon logic! [_Claps hands together_] It's all coming together! That's why the Toons chose ME! Tim, Fairly, B'Zooka, and Cakemix already like practical jokes, so they'd be no surprise. Tuvacca, Telephone Line and the Doctor go crazy all the time so they wouldn't work either. And Kathryn's the hero of the show, so they'd suspect her by default! I'm the only one the weasels would never suspect! I've got to get to the Bridge!

**The Doctor:** Don't make me sedate you again, Commander. [_Raises coconut_.]

[_Chevrolet narrows his eyes defiantly. The Doctor gives a warning look. Chevrolet smiles, and runs out of Sickbay. Doc chases him. They run through the halls, pushing past crewmen, who look up curiously. Several are knocked unconscious by the Doctor's swinging coconut._]

**Naomi Wildthing:** But Mom, it's "Once Upon a Time!"

**Ensign Spam Wildthing:** Naomi, Mommy has had a long week, and she needs her "Downton Abbey!" You can have the TV after I'm asleep!

[_The Doctor swings madly at Chevrolet, but hits Spam instead. She stumbles into her and Naomi's quarters, and collapses onto the sofa, snoring_.]

**Naomi:** Okay! [_Runs inside and turns on the TV_.]

**Crewman Tall Celery:** William, this hypochondria is getting out of control. You will not "catch Commander Chevrolet's crazy," it's not contagious!

**Crewman William Twizzler:** Then he'll punch me, like he punched Lt. Tuvacca, only I'll die because I don't have Vulcan strength!

**Chevrolet:** Make a hole! [_Runs between them_]

**Tall Celery:** See?

[_William peeks through his hands, and sighs with relief. Then the Doctor's coconut smashes into the back of his head, knocking him out_.]

**The Doctor:** Dammit! Where'd that crazy bastard go?

[_The Doc's eyes land on the back of someone with broad shoulders, a red uniform, and black shinny hair. He lunges and brings down his coconut. The person turns around and looks at him; it's T'Penny, the oddly masculine, ex-Mosquito Vulcan woman. She stares for a moment, then falls unconscious_.]

**The Doctor:** S-Sorry Ensign… [_Continues down the hall_]

* * *

><p><strong>BRIDGE: <strong>

[_Anvils, mallets, refrigerators, safes, and elephants are smashing into the view screen. The ship is shaking like a roller coaster_.]

**Fairly Dim:** He he, you don't even have to put a quarter in! Weeee!

**Chevrolet:** [_Bursts in_] I know how to get us out of here! I have to contact the weasels! Move dweeb.

[_Chevrolet shoves Dim so hard, the dweeb stumbles back and almost falls over. Dim tries to get back at his consol, stuttering in protest. Chevrolet, without looking up from his work, punches Dim with his free hand, sending the poor dweeb tumbling over the railing._]

**Tim Parsnip: **He's hailing someone in Toon Space!

[_On the viewscreen appears a cartoon starship, where the four evil weasels from "Rodger Rabbit" are hurling safes, anvils, etc. out the window_.]

**Chevrolet:** Hey! Weasels! Tell me something, is your refrigerator running?

**Weasel :** No…it's falling! [_Tosses a fridge out the window, which crashes into Frogger's hull_.]

**Chevrolet:** And I'm falling too…Falling for the Vulcan! [_Grabs Tuvacca and smooches him_.]

**Weasel #1: **PFFFTA-HAHAHAHAHAAHAH… [_Suffocates with laughter, and dies, his soul rising out of his body with angel wings and a harp_.]

[_Chevrolet drops Tuvacca. The Vulcan twitches, bug-eyed and traumatized_._ Chevrolet throws a grass skirt, flowered lei, and fruit hat on, over his uniform._]

**Chevrolet: **_Lua! If yer hungry for a hunk of a fat n' juicy meat, EAT MY BUDDY PUMBA HERE because he is a treat…_ [Points to Cakemix] _…want a tasty swine, you don't have ta wine, all ya gatta do is get in liiiine…_

**Tuvacca: **I wet myself.

**Chevrolet:** _Aaaaare you aching…_

[_Myway slowly extends her arm, and turns her coffee mug upside down, dumping out the contents_.]

**Chevrolet:** _foooor some bacon!..._

**B'Zooka:** What. The fuck. Did you do to him?

**Myway:** Only what we had to B'Zooka! I don't have time to go into every detail—

**Tim Parsnip:** We injected his bloodstream with orange soda, hit him on the head with a coconut, kept him awake for a couple days, and then cranked up a mental-illness gene that's haunted his family for generations. We had to though, so that the aliens could have their way with his brain. Oh yeah, and the Doc gave him a fever, to heighten the hallucinations….We're going to Hell, aren't we.

**Chevrolet:** [Shaking maracas] _Heeeee's a big pig! _

[_Tuvacca__raises his hand for a Vulcan-neck pinch…and gives it to himself, escaping the horror_.]

**Chevrolet:** …_You can be a big pig too, HOY! _

[_With the last dance move, he shakes off the hula gear. The grass skirt, lei, and fruit land on various shipmate's heads. He still has his uniform on though, so this scene isn't too disturbing_.]

**B'Zooka: **[_Shakes head_] It's retribution. We forced him to allow his brain to get fucked with for three days, so now he's fucking with _ours_.

**Dim: **No, I don't think he's doing this for revenge…he's doing it to kill the weasels! Look, they've all laughed themselves to death! Well, except that one, he's still got some life.

**Chevrolet:** Oh really? [_Acts like his serious self, and says quietly_]… Get the cheese to sickbay.

**Last Weasel:** HAAAAHAHAHA… [_Dies_]

**Tim Parsnip:** [_Parts the grass skirt over his head, to see_.] There's a hole in Toon Space, where the Weasel ship was before! I think we can make it through!

[_Frogger flies through a long, dimly lit tunnel, and finally soars out into normal space! The Toons cheer! Chevrolet leans against the railing, panting heavily_.]

**Chevrolet: …**half-crazy…half possessed by aliens….and running a fever….still able to function well enough…to save this ship's shinny metal ass…. You all…. owe me… BIG!

**The Doctor:** [_Runs onto the bridge_] GOT'CHA! [Swings his coconut into the back of Chevrolet's head]

**Chevrolet:** [_Tumbles over the railing, unconscious_.]

**The Doctor:** [_Tosses coconut over his shoulder, and smacks his hands together, finished_.]

* * *

><p><strong>MILLIONS OF LIGHT YEARS AWAY: <strong>

[_In a small apartment, a woman in her 20s sits at her laptop, typing furiously. She is intent on finishing this "Voyager" parody. Suddenly, something crashes through her window. She looks up just in time to see the Doctor's coconut fly into her face, knocking her unconscious out of her chair_.]

* * *

><p><strong>Captain Myway: [V.O.]:<strong> Captain's Log: It's wasn't easy, but we escaped Toon Space. The Doctor was then able to disable Chevrolet's crazy gene once and for all; from now on, we leave the "Go Crazy" episodes to Tuvacca; Chevrolet's just too good at it. Anyway, Cakemix then fed him tribble soup which cured the fever, but also made him cough up a couple hairballs. And B'Zooka gave him a bottle of her Clingon Women's Midol to take care of the leftover craziness left in his brain. It was all very heartwarming, and happened entirely off-screen. Naomi Wildthing even made him a "Get Well" card with a picture of him punching Tuvacca. Frogger's straight man is back to himself. Mostly.

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY: <strong>

**Captain Myway: **That must've been a trying week for you Chevrolet. I'm surprised you want to go boxing again, instead of just staying home and resting.

**Chevrolet:** I'm not sure how to explain it Kathryn. But after this last incident, I just have this very strong urge to punch something. Punch it until it's dead.

**Myway:** O-Okay, well, have fun! [_Runs off as fast as she can_]

* * *

><p><strong>HOLODECK: <strong>

**Patches O'Houlihan:** Bless my sweet dick! Where've you been son? We were waiting all week for you to show up!

**Trekkies:** "I am so confused…what was the point of this episode?" "Did they ever mention Chevrolet's crazy-phobia again? That plot twist came out of nowhere." "Well maybe not nowhere. He always does seem irritated whenever someone tries messing with his mind." "True, but still,"

[_As the nerds blab and argue, Chevrolet calmly puts on his boxing gear_.]

**Trekkies: **"…and the concept of Toon Space was completely illogical. The writers clearly don't understand the laws of physics." "What did boxing have to do with any of that?" "Chevrolet looks a bit pudgy to be doing this." "How old is he supposed to be? Wasn't his hair gray in Season 1? And why does his tattoo keep changing shades of blue from one episode to the ne—"

**P**

**U**

**N**

**C**

**H**

**!**

The screen is now black, and the ending credits are silent, because we, the audience, are now dead.

**THE END.**

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This was an unusual one. Don't expect future spoofs to be this long, or have this much profanity. **

**This "episode" also came out a lot more…complex than I expected. I didn't plan for the "Cool World" crab phone to be the one trying to contact Chevrolet, I just thought of that twist as I was writing. And while I often make references to cartoon shows, this time, the fact that Chevrolet is quoting Bender from "Futurama" or Patrick from "Spongebob" can foreshadow that Toons are already affecting his mind…**

**Anyway, I think I've tortured Chakotay enough for a while, so the next few will center on other characters. "Barge of the Dead" and "Blood Fever" are on my mind. Stay tuned. (But not too tuned; I'm crazy-busy, and my internet is currently down. Next spoofs may take a while.) **

**Update: I made a minor line in one of the "Dodgeball" quotes, changing taking out the word "retards" and replacing it with "chimps." I did this out of respect for Robert Beltran, who has a brother with Downs Syndrome, and (as I understand) doesn't like to make fun of disabled people. I don't expect the actor will ever read this parody, but it just felt right. **


	26. Barge of the Dead

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Barge of the Deadbeats" **

(Spoofing "Barge of the Dead," Season 6)

**Summary: **_B'Zooka Tourguide ventures into the but-crack of Clingon Hell, to save her mother Midol's soul…!_

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLECRAFT: <strong>

[_B'Zooka_ _Tourguide sits alone in a shuttlecraft. The shuttle is shaking and rocking, flying through a turbulent nebula. She is talking over the com. to Frogger_.]

**Captain Myway [V.O.]:** So how's it feel to be Tim Parsnip for a day, B'Zooka?

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** I think whoever came up with this "Switch Duties" idea was a targ-brained idiot!

**Fairly Dim: [V.O.]** I don't know, I'm kind of enjoying being the First Officer for the day! Chevrolet's got the greatest games on this little computer panel! I'm playing Ski Fri right now!

**Lt. Jim Carrey [V.O.]:** Hey dudes, sorry to interrupt, but Cakemix isn't doing a very good job as Chief Engineer. He keeps pouring weird things into the Warp Core and mixing it up like it's some kind of soup…I'm looking at a buncha' motazh balls floating around in the warp core right now…

**B'Zooka:** What the hell is that flying monkey doing to my engine room? I'm coming back there! Ass-trometrics, how do I get out of this nebula? Can you plot a course for me?

**Naomi Wildthing:** Um, I could try…but Telephone Line didn't really tell me much about how any of this works…Um…how about this?

[_B'Zooka shrugs, and follows the course that Naomi sends to her computer. Her shuttle winds up flying a convulsed course through the nebula, trailing space-dust behind it, and ultimately turns out to be the shape of a My Little Pony. The shuttle finishes off the pony's unicorn horn, and crashes into an asteroid._]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**B'Zooka: **What happened?

**The Doctor:** You were injured, but now you're okay.

[_The Doctor and Tim Parsnip smile, and slowly look at each other, suspiciously_.]

**B'Zooka:** Oookay….is that all? Nothing else?

**The Doctor: **Nope, that's all.

**Tim Parsnip:** Nothing else.

**White Rabbit:** [_Pocketing his watch_] Nothing whatsoever. Run along now!

**B'Zooka:** …Right….

[_B'Zooka walks out of sickbay and down the hall, past Bart Simpson_.]

**Bart Simpson:** Hey B'Zooka, the captain wants to see you in her Ready-To-Go room.

**B'Zooka:** Thanks Bart…

[_B'Zooka heads towards the Ready Room, unsure what seems so "off" about everything today. She finds Myway at her desk, drinking a mug of orange soda. On the desk is a silver spinning top, that gives no signs of ever falling over. _]

**Myway:** Lt. Tourguide! I don't ever want you to risk your life like that again. Is that understood, Zook?

**B'Zooka:** I-I think so…did you just call me Zook?

**Myway:** I suppose I did! I just re-watched "Grease" last night. My bad.

**B'Zooka:** I loved "Grease" as a kid. My mother used to call me "Zook" all the time. We'd watch that movie together.

* * *

><p><strong>B'ZOOKA'S QUARTERS: <strong>

[_B'Zooka is reviewing notes on a PADD while listening to the trippy 70s song "White Rabbit." The doorbell chimes, and B'Zooka opens it. Standing in the doorway is Chevrolet, holding a long plank of metal_.]

**Chevrolet:** Hi there, B'Zooka. It's me, your commanding, protective, masculine friend, and I've come to bring you a long, hard, thick rod of metal. You may not remember it, but this metal impaled your delicate, feminine body when you crashed your shuttle. I carried it through these long, cavernous corridors, and now if you'll allow me entry I'll bring it into your home.

**B'Zooka:** Riiight… [_Steps aside, granting him entry_.]

**Chevrolet:** Just remember that when you're in a dream, you have to interpret all of the symbols. Like this one on this hunk of metal!

[_Eyeing him nervously, B'Zooka looks down at the metal. Engraved on the metal is the triangular symbol of the Clingon Empire!_]

**Chevrolet:** It's Clingon, like you! Cakemix is throwing a party later on to celebrate. See you there!

[_Chevrolet opens and umbrella and floats out of B'Zooka's quarters like Mary Poppins. B'Zooka watches him go, squinting hard, trying to figure out what seems so odd. She turns back around, and sees the Clingon rod is oozing blood! The sounds of warring Clingons echo from the rod, as the blood spills around the table! Shocked, B'Zooka runs to the bathroom, and comes out with a box of tampons. But just as she's ready to administer them, the rod suddenly stops bleeding._]

**B'Zooka:** What the frak…?

* * *

><p><strong>TUVACCA'S QUARTERS: <strong>

[_B'Zooka and Tuvacca stand in the dimly lit room, which is lit with incense and candles. Tuvacca holds a Pi'za Slicer, the weapon of a Clingon_.]

**Tuvacca:** The bleeding rod was a symbol of your subconscious, B'Zooka.

**Leonardo DiCaprio:** Your subconscious!

[_Leo is sitting at a little table in the corner, drinking tea with the Mad Hatter and the March Hare_.]

**Tuvacca: **You are on permanent PMS, B'Zooka, as symbolized by the blood on that blade. And you need to get laid, as symbolized by the Freudian rod that penetrated your body. Observe, now, as I wield this weapon. [_Begins twirling the Pi'Za Slicer, and sings_,] _Let's get down to business_! [_with the Slicer, flings two teacups from the tea party into the air_] …_to defeat_… [_Smashes the cups as they fall back down_]…_the Huuuns! _

**DiCaprio, Mad Hatter, and March Hare:** YA!

**B'Zooka:** When did this turn into a Disney musical? OW! 'the frak?

[_Tuvacca has cut her on the cheek!_]

**Tuvacca:** Get out of here, shameful mutt! And take your dishonor with you!

* * *

><p><strong>MESS HALL: <strong>

[_Everyone has gone Clingon happy_.]

**Cakemix:** Chocolate-covered worms, a Clingon delicacy!

**The Doctor: **…so you see Telephone, people would watch Drew Carrey, Ryan Styles, Wayne Brady, and a fourth guest star every week, while they performed funny improve skits! It was called "Whose Line Is It Anyway." Almost every episode ended with a Klingon drinking song! Sing with me: _OOooh, aye-dee pach-dee wrach-dee-nadee Sto-Vo-Kor p'tach…!_

**Telephone Line:** [_Joins in_]

**Chevrolet:** So Fairly, have you read "Tribble Soup for the Clingon Soul?"

**Fairly Dim:** Not yet, but I'm almost done with "Life of Blood Pie," so maybe I'll read that book next!

**Tim Parsnip:** Hey B'Zooka! I was kinda' hoping you'd be wearing some revealing black Clingon-girl armor…

**B'Zooka:** Tim, if you even think about joining in on this stupidity, I'll rip out your tongue and wear it as a belt!

**Tim Parsnip:** Hey, isn't that a real line from the actual episode? What's that doing in a parody?

**Captain Myway:** [_Raps her spoon against her mug_] Everyone! I want to turn attention to the mongrel mutt half-breed of the day, B'Zooka Tourguide! For today, the Empire celebrates…

**Emperor Palpatine:** The EMPIRE! [_Standing in the crowd, holding a mug like everyone_]

**Myway:** …celebrates her DISHONOR!

**Disney Mulan's Father:** DIS-HONOR!

[_As everyone listens to Myway blab, the room darkens. Clingon warriors suddenly emerge from under the tables, and from the cupboards and oven in the kitchen. They sneak up behind the Frogger crew with weapons drawn. One raises a vicious Clingon Spork-dagger behind Myway's head_.]

**B'Zooka:** CAPTAIN!

[_The Clingon brings the spork down, and it clamors loudly against Myway's rock-hard hair! Myway turns around and stares at him. He tries again, this time stabbing her in the neck, killing her_.]

**Fairly Dim:** EEEEP! [_Is cut down with a Pi'Za Slicer_]

[_The Doctor and Telephone Line are chopped in half. Tuvacca is bopped on the head with the flat side of a Slicer, and dies. A Clingon raises his Pi'Za Slicer over Chevrolet's head_.]

**Chevrolet: **Not the tattoo!

[_The Clingon stops, then hacks Chev in the nuts_]

**Chevrolet:** Thanks… [_Dies_]

[_Tim Parsnip tries to run, but then a Clingon jabs a peeled banana into his side! Tim sinks to the ground dead. B'Zooka stares, stocked. Finally, a Clingon brings down his Pi'Za Slicer and kills her. She wakes up on a rocking, wooden boat_.]

**B'Zooka:** Where the hell am I?

[_A Clingon man sits down next to her. He has wild hair, a sideways baseball cap, and a black T-shirt with the "Monster" energy drink logo on it_.]

**Punk Clingon:** You're on the Barge of the Deadbeats. Where dishonorable souls are sent, when they die. We're on our way to Griddlecake, Clingon Hell.

**B'Zooka:** Pfft! Griddlecake is a bedtime story, for Clingon kids who won't stop behaving and acting respectful in school! Clingon mothers tell it to their kids to scare them into being good little barbarians!

**Punk:** I thought so too. Until I crashed my skateboard, and wound up here.

[_B'Zooka looks around. Sure enough, the dark, torch-lit boat is filled with old sofas and folding chairs, where deadbeat Clingons read Mad Magazines, scratch themselves while eating chips, or watch reruns of "Alf." At the helm of the boat is a warrior dressed in battle armor, with a little Skipper's cap bearing the Clingon symbol._]

**B'Zooka:** Hey! That douche steering the ship! He killed my friends!

**Punk:** No. He killed your delusions. The dream you had before dying. Your friends are all alive and well. Just not you.

[_B'Zooka stomps up to the Skipper_]

**B'Zooka:** I demand to be returned to the world of the living! My life ain't complete! There are so many engineering mysteries in the universe to solve, kinky poses I haven't tried with Tim, story arcs about marriage and kids for my character, and besides, where'll Frogger be without me?

**Skipper:** Oh, the same place they'll be the last time you were here, when you died in "Before and After." You don't remember because that timeline got erased. But basically, Tim will get over you in a week and marry the fairy princess Keish, and their kid will grow up in a month and marry your dweeb friend Fairly, and Engineering will be left in the hands of your dear Lt. Jim Carrey…

**B'Zooka:** NOOOO! [_Grabs a Slicer off the wall and tries to stab the skipper with it_]

**Skipper:** HAHA! B'Zooka, daughter of Midol, don't you know who I am? I am Kray'fish the first Clingon! Who killed the gods who created him, and as a reward was given the task of ferrying the deadbeat souls to Clingon Hell!

[_Kray'fish grabs the Slicer and cuts B'Zooka on the hand with it!_]

**Midol:** B'Zooka! What are you doing here?!

**B'Zooka:** Mother?!

[_Suddenly, Lt. Fax, Wort the Klingon, and a third old Klingon, all from "Freak Space 9," fly by in a shuttle and point to Kray'fish's Slic_er]

**Fax:** Hey, THERE'S the Sword of Kray'fish!

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

[_B'Zooka bursts awake_]

**Tim Parsnip: **B'Zooka! We almost lost you!

**B'Zooka:** What happened? Where's the rod? Where's Kray'fish?

**Doctor:** What are you babbling about? You just crashed a shuttle, and were in a coma for a few hours. Here, let me heel your hand.

**B'Zooka:** The wound from my dream… sh*t's getting surreal…

* * *

><p><strong>B'ZOOKA'S QUARTERS: <strong>

**B'Zooka:** …and you were there too, Chevrolet. You brought the Freudian Clingon rod into my quarters, and that's when it started to bleed. Then we had the party, and everyone was Clingon happy. Then the real Clingons killed you all—but they didn't hurt your tattoo—and then I was on the Barge of the Deadbeats and I saw my mother. All this on the ten-year anniversary of when my mother and I last spoke. Sooo…any advice?

[_Chevrolet listens sympathetically_]

**Chevrolet: **If this were Season 1 I'd spat out some stereotype Indian crap about the spirit world. But since I've got an actual personality now in these later seasons, I can give you something more substantial. B'Zooka, what you saw was symbols of your subconscious. Your mother was on your mind, and so was your heritage. And yeah, there might have been something supernatural going on too. My grandfather believed he could turn into a wolf, and it was real to him, but that doesn't mean he did so literally.

**B'Zooka:** Huh….Um, apologies if this is waaay to personal to ask, but would this be the same grandfather who went crazy?

**Chevrolet:** In my family that's kind of a relative term.

**B'Zooka:** No wonder nothing can shock you.

**Chevrolet:** No sh*t. Anyway…symbols! Interpret them!

**B'Zooka:** Wait, Chev, what's that mean? "Interpret the symbols?"

**Chevrolet:** I don't know, I'm stoned. [_Leaves_.]

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING: <strong>

[_B'Zooka is neglecting her duties, reading at a computer screen on the wall. Behind her, Engineering functions as usual; smoke erupting from the Warp Core, Lt. Jim Carrey leaping around quoting rhymes from "The Grinch," Vulcan Ensign Forklift trying to flirt with women and getting punched over the railing from the second floor, etc_.]

**Tim Parsnip: **B'Zooka! What'cha reading?

**B'Zooka:** The Wikipedia page on the Barge of the Deadbeats. There's a story here that matches up perfectly with my experience! In the year 13445, the Warrior Motzah'Bol had a near-death experience in which he saw the Barge of the Deadbeats, and ran into his uncle Moth'Bol. Moth'Bol had been sent to Griddlecake because he'd failed to raise Motzah'bol as an honorable warrior! Motzah'Bol even returned with a wound from the afterlife, like I did! [_Holds up her hand, with a Spongebob band-aid on the palm_] Tim, if what I saw is real, then my mom is dead, and she's in Griddlecake because of me!

**Parsnip: **So on this ship, was there, like, Clingon pirates or something? Or was it more like a Gilligan's Island type of cruise-boat?

**B'Zooka:** I have to go back Tim! I have to go back to the Barge of the Deadbeats and save my mother's soul!

**Parsnip:** Do they serve shrimp on the boat? Maybe I'll go with you…!

**B'Zooka:** No Tim, I have to do this alone!

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**The Doctor: **So B'Zooka, I see you've finally learned how to sweet-talk the captain's puppy-dog eyes out of her, so she'd let you go on a deadly personal mission. I think that's probably the last step for a person's initiation into being a true Frogger officer.

**Parsnip:** I can't believe you're letting her do this captain! This boat could be captained by a tentacle-faced freak who wants B'Zooka's soul for his crew on the Flying Dutchmen!

**Captain Myway:** Tim, relax. The Doc's going to sedate her for a while, so she can return to her dream, and then after half an hour we'll wake her up again with a squirt gun.

[_B'Zooka lies down on the bed_.]

**The Doctor:** The sedative, Mr. Parsnip.

[_Parsnip reluctantly hands the Doctor his Star Freak standard coconut. The Doctor says "Sweet dreams" and bops B'Zooka on the head, knocking her unconscious_.]

* * *

><p><strong>BARGE OF THE DEADBEATS: <strong>

[_B'Zooka sits up, now in black Clingon armor_.]

**B'Zooka:** [_looks at her armor_] Well, I'm glad I've been granted more dignity than most Clingon women on "Spoof Trek."

**Punk:** Hey, I know you! [_Sips a Monster drink_.]

**Midol:** B'Zooka! What are you doing here again? You haven't died in glorious battle, or else you wouldn't be here. Oh gods, did you wear a red shirt for an away mission, like I specifically warned you not to?!

**B'Zooka: **Mother, get into the '90s! Redshirt deaths went out with Captain Flirt and Mr. Spork! It's the ranks of Crewman and Ensign that mark a person for death now. Anyway, I'm here to take your place in Griddlecake. Don't worry, my friends will revive me just in time, so I can live and you can go to Clingon heaven.

**Midol: **That's cowardice! Did you learn nothing from the Holy Scriptures? From "Tribble Soup for the Clingon Soul?" Campus Blood Crusade? "P'tach Sesame"?

**B'Zooka:** UGH! You were obsessed with Clingon crap…all those dumb rituals, that stupid Clingon version of "Sesame Street" baring on TV, you're damned blood pie…you drove Dad away from us! No wonder he left you for a younger man and ran off to California! Oh never mind, we're having the same argument we had ten years ago.

**Kray'Fish:** The mongrel child is back! What can I do ya for? Wait, don't tell me; you want to take your mother's place here, and then use your "Spoof Trek"-Regular ability to always escape death to cheat your way out of Clingon Hell, right?

**B'Zooka:** No. I…I'm prepared to take my mother's place…for real. Even if it means dying young…and depriving "Frogger" of its most badass character….and it's best romantic couple….they'll manage without me. Holo-Doc can carry on my sarcastic torch, I suppose. And Tim can go back to Fairly or Chevrolet.

**Kray'Fish:** Weeeell then, in that case…

[_He turns the boat sharply, and they take off like a motor down the lava ocean_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**The Doctor:** Something's gone horribly wrong! [_He keeps squirting B'Zooka with the squirt gun, but she won't awaken_.]

**Parsnip:** No way. [_Sigh_]

**Myway:** [_Terrified puppy-eyes_]

* * *

><p><strong>BARGE OF THE DEADBEATS: <strong>

[_The boat lurches to a halt, making the TVs and furniture and chip bowls shake. None of the other Deadbeats react. Kray'Fish makes B'Zooka walk the plank, with his Slicer. Midol protests, but is held back by Punk, who waves B'Zooka goodbye. As B'Zooka walks backwards on the plank, out of the ship, she gets a full view of the boat. It looks like a vicious, fanged, red-eyed wooden duckling._]

**B'Zooka:** Wait a second, don't I get a phone CAAAAAAAAAAAA…..

* * *

><p><strong>HELL! <strong>

[_B'Zooka falls down towards the lava…and wakes up in…Sickbay! A dark, dimly lit, evil looking Sickbay!_]

**B'Zooka:** What? Why does Hell look like Frogger? Why doesn't it look like, say, my childhood home? Or Star Freak academy? Or the graveyard where all my Mosquito friends are buried? And why is no one here but my friends from Frogger?

**The** **Doctor**: The reasons are complex, and they have nothing what-so-ever to do with the episode spending all of its budget on that rocking boat. Enjoy eternity on a cheesy '90s Sci-Fi show!

[_Doc_ _cheerfully shoves her out the door, and into the hallway. She's still in her armor_.]

**Cakemix: **Oy B'Zooka! Mesa here in Hell too! And mesa can't be killed either, 'cuz this is the afterlife! [_Creepy Talaxian laugh_]

[_B'Zooka runs, terrified, and finds herself stumbling out of that shuttle she crashed! And somehow, it's back on that damned boat! All the senior officers are there, plus her mother, in a Star Freak uniform!_]

**B'Zooka:** Waaaat?

**Midol:** I'm still here, because you still haven't completed your purpose here! And I have a nifty red uniform, for some reason.

**Chevrolet:** [_Wearing purple shades, smoking a joint_] Do you understand? Are you interpreting all the symbols?

**B'Zooka:** You talking to me, or the audience?

**Fairly Dim: **You've kept us all at arm's length! When was the last time you called me "Star Freak?" When was the last time you argued with Tim about something? Or butted horns with Telephone, or reprogrammed holo-Doc, or had dream-sex with Chevrolet, or argued with the Captain about Star Freak regulations? You've been neglecting your friends!

**Tim Parsnip:** Hear hear!

**Myway: **You pushed us all away, not unlike a certain virgin nerd who spends time writing "Voyager" parodies in her apartment instead of planning outings with the few friends she has left in her hometown.

**B'Zooka:** What do you all want?! [_Points the Slicer at each of them, as the accusations apply_.] You want me to be a good little Clingon? [_To her mom_] A good Star Freak officer? [_Myway_] A good Mosquito? [_Chevrolet_] Lover? [_Tim_] Friend? [_Dim_] Rival? [_Telephone_] Fan-Service Babe? [_Random male nerd_] Ensign Schmo fill-in? [_The "Trek" writers_] Female action hero? [_Some female nerds, in Tom Raider and Princess Leia T-shirts_] Cashier? [_Her boss from her first job, at Star Freak Academy's McDonald's_] WHAT DO YOU TRIBBLE-F**KERS WANT FROM MEEE?

**Midol:** You, B'Zooka. We just want you.

**The Doctor: **[_Now a bumble bee with a human head_] Beeeee yourself!

**Chevrolet:** And interpret the symbols.

**B'Zooka:** INTERPRET THIS SYMBOL YA BEATNICK!

[_She slashes at him, but he dodges it_.]

**Chevrolet: **Missed. [_Takes a drag from his joint_.]

**B'Zooka:** Okay okay so….I don't have to be super-Clingon, I just have to stop repressing my Clingon-ness, and be myself…and…Captain Myway is my mother-like figure…and…Hell is being on a '90s sci-fi show with Cakemix for all eternity. Did I learn my lesson?

[_Everyone exchanges glances, and gives small nods and sounds of agreement_.]

**Midol:** My soul's been saved B'Zooka. You succeeded. Actually, I might not even be dead, since this might all just be a random fever dream. Have fun on your sci-fi series pumpkin, don't forget to sharpen your teeth before you go to bed!

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**B'Zooka:** I'm alive! I saved my mom's soul! How long was I dead? Did Tim marry Keish?

**Parsnip: **Who?

**Doctor:** Relax, B'Zooka. You didn't really die, you were only mostly dead. And Keish isn't coming back; one guest-appearance is all she's getting for the rest of this series.

[_Relieved, B'Zooka grabs Myway, and hugs her_.]

**Myway: **[_Sniff_] It's so touching, how I, the captain, am so important to my crew, that when they rise from a near-death experience, the first person they must rush to is—

**B'Zooka:** Wait, you're not Tim. [_Shoves Myway away and grabs her boyfriend_.]

**THE END**


	27. Renaissance Man

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

**(Spoofing "Renaissance Man," Season 7)**

**Summary: **The Doctor impersonates everyone, sabatoges the ship, and tests out who has the nicest ankles, to save Captain Myway from hostile Piganoids

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLECRAFT: <strong>

**Doctor: **_…I like big butts and I cannot lie! You organics cn't de-ny! Cuz when a drone waks in with an ity bitty waist and a round thing in yo face, you get—_

**Captain Myway: **He-HEM.

**Doctor:** Captain! Did, um, you enjoy your trip to the restroom?

**Myway: **The Doctor, I won't tell you how to do things, since I consider you my equal. But just as a suggestion, _Myway_ would be to focus on piloting this shuttle instead of singing.

**The Doctor:** Actually, I'm doing both at once. I'm also snapping some photographs of the stars, trolling on the DeviantArt Complaints forum, and reading the IMDB's filmography of Ron Jeremy. As a hologram, I can focus on several tasks at once! I'm even capable of foreshadowing entire episodes' plots, without realizing it on a conscious lev—

_**BOOM!**_

**The Doctor:** What was that? Are we under attack?

**Myway:** No…it's the first commercial break, pushing us off the screen! Brace for impact!

* * *

><p><strong>COMMERCIAL: <strong>

**VOICE: **_BEFORE MYWAY…PICK-A-CARD…OR FLIRT…_

**Captain Disco: **Hre-HEM, aren't you forgetting somebody?

**VOICE: **_…OR THAT BLACK GUY…_

**VOICE: **_…WAS THE __**FIRST **__STARFREAK CAPTAIN…CAPTAIN FARTCHER! _

[_Out of the shadows steps…..!...A random guy in what looks like a blue plumber's uniform_.]

**Captain Fartcher: **…What? Were you expecting a black, Canadian woman? It's only the 23rd century. Obviously I'm white, male and American. Progress in Star Freak takes time, you know!

**VOICE: **_"APPLEPIES!" …co-directed by Prequel extraordinaire George Lucas! _

[_A country song begins to play_]

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY-AT-LAST-ROOM: <strong>

**Commander Chevrolet:** Captain, are you all right? You seem…different somehow.

[_Before him stands the Doctor, wearing a wig, lipstick, and a stuffed bra under a red uniform. "Captain Myway" speaks in a chipmunk-like impression of the real captain's voice_.]

"**Myway:"** I'm fine Commander. But there's something urgent that we need to discuss. On the away mission, something very unexpected happened. The Doctor and I encountered a race of aliens who are centuries ahead of us. They demand that we eject the Warp Core, and if we refuse they'll blow us all to Kingdom Come.

**Chevrolet:** Mmm-hmm. [_Sips coffee_.] ….So what's the urgent part?

"**Myway:"** Didn't you hear me? Advanced aliens will kill us if we don't comply with their demands!

**Chevrolet:** Kathryn, why are you acting like this doesn't happen every week? Two days ago we fought the Bored Collective to save Unamatrix Zero, yesterday Fairly Dim switched heads with a fly in a transporter accident, and this morning Tuvacca went bonkers from radiation again and ate bugs until Forklift cured him with a mind-meld. What's the big deal?

"**Myway:"** Chevrolet, I'm tired of fighting hostile aliens, going crazy, and providing fan service, all on the slim chance that someone might watch our show! I think it's time this crew settled down on a planet and found a new career outside the sci-fi business. This bickering bunch of wackos would make for a great reality show, don't you think?

[_Chevrolet leaves and walks down the hall, distressed and confuse. Then he stops_.]

**Chevrolet:** She said "think!" Kathryn never thinks before making a decision!

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING: <strong>

"**Myway:" **B'Zooka, sweetie, I have a hypothetical question to ask you.

**B'Zooka Torguide:** Shoot.

"**Myway:"** See, I have this…friend. And this friend has a starship. And he wants to know if he could eject his Warp Core and then tractor it somewhere with a Starfreak standard tractor beam. Would that be doable?

**B'Zooka:** Pfft. You mean the Standard Starfreak dental floss we use to tractor stuff? We'd need a lot of it!

"**Myway:"** Can you prepare it for me?

**B'Zooka:** Yyyyes…?

"**Myway:"** Good girl! [_Leaves_]

**B'Zooka:** [_Taps smiley faced com. Badge_] Tourguide to Chevrolet: heads up, we might have an alien intruder again.

**Chevrolet:** I knew it! Listen, B'Zooka, I've got an idea. I'm going to talk to the Captain, and trick her into giving away whether she's an intruder or not. If she is, I'll call Tuvacca and have her taken into custody!

**B'Zooka:** Sounds good but…how about this: take Tuvacca _with_ you, have a bunch of security officers _outside the door_, and _tell Transporter Room 1_ to keep a lock on you all, just in case the shit really hits the fan…Chev? Are you listening?

**Chevrolet:** Sorry, I was just thinking about my last check-up with the Doctor. He diagnosed me with something called "Dumbass in Distress Syndrome." You heard of it?

**B'Zooka:** [_Sigh_] Whatever. I don't even care anymore. If you die, I want your tattoo.

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY-FOR-A-TWIST!-ROOM: <strong>

**Chevrolet: **Kathryn, I know you don't want me to question your orders. But what about that time when you were serving under Commander Adama as a cadet, and your shipmate kept acting suspicious, until someone finally ran a cylon check on her? If you hadn't questioned that girl, the Commander could've been shot or something!

"**Myway:" **That's an entirely different situation. There are no cylons this time!

**Chevrolet:** You never told me that story. I got that from "Battlestar Galactica." [_Hits com badge_] Chevrolet to security—

**Myway:** I turned off the com

**Chevrolet:** Hrph. Well, at least I have my—[_finds his phaser is gone_] Well…Frak.

[_"Myway" clobbers him with her coffee mug, knocking him unconscious. She then takes him to the ship's morgue, and stuffs him in a drawer. "Myway" then heads to Sickbay, and removes the wig. It's really… the Doctor! The Doc opens a laptop and contacts two Piganoids. Behind the Piganoids, Captain Myway is tied up with duct tape. Her head has been shaved_.]

**Piganoid Captain: **Excellent work, The Doctor. Tattoo Man knew too much. You did well by killing him.

**The Doctor: **_Please._ No senior officer's gonna get killed off in a comic-reief episode about plotting Piganoids. All I did was put him to sleep, and hide him in the ship's morgue. But now I have to impersonate both Chevrolet _and_ the Captain! In addition to helping you hogs with your master plan.

**Myway: **The Doctor, under NO circumstances are you to eject the Warp Core! We did not fight Bored Cubes, Species 12345, ship-crushing space anomalies, and time-shifting parallelograms to be defeated by the crew of Pigs In Space!

**The Doctor:** I—

**Myway:** Oh! And I want my hair back!

[_The Doctor glances at the crude wig on the disk, and sighs_.]

**The Doctor: **Captain, I know you're not proud of me, but I must be frank; I've been wanting to clobber Chevrolet for YEARS.

**Myway:** I can understand that The Doctor. What I can't understand is…

**The Doctor:** Not another word! I won't let these Piganoids kill you, even if it means endangering the whole ship!

**Myway: **…why the HELL didn't you just bring Chevrolet here to Sickbay, and tell everyone that he got sick and he's in a coma? Then you'd have one less person to impersonate, and one less body to hide.

[_Awkward silence_.]

**The Doctor:** …I'm a DOCTOR, not an espionage genius!

**Tuvacca: [V.O.]** Tuvacca to Commander Chevrolet.

[_The Doctor pulls Chevrolet's com badge out of his pocket, and puts on a raspy voice_]

**The Doctor:** Ch-Chevroelt here.

**Tuvacca:** Commander. What has become of your soft, low, sexy voice?

**The Doctor:** I'm, I'm practicing my Rorschach impression…gonna do the "Watchmen" program on the holodeck with …uh…Lt. Starbuck, and ….Officer Sun?

**Tuvacca:** Fascinating. Commander, can you report to the Shuttle Bay?

**The Doctor:** Right away!

[_The Doctor dons an Elvis wig. Then takes a blue Sharpie and draws a sloppy tattoo over one eye_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SHUTTLE BAY: <strong>

"**Chevrolet: " **He-hem! What, uh, what did you need, Tuvacca?

**Tuvacca:** Nothing. I was simply wondering if you were able to report to the shuttle bay. [_Pause_] I was bored. [_Pause_.] Good day.

"**Chevrolet:"** …Right. [_Leaves_.]

[_Tuvacca continues doing what he was doing—which was building a model of Freak Space Nine out of marshmallows and tooth picks. Suddenly, the Vulcan looks up sharply_.]

**Tuvacca:** Our ship does not have a Lt. Starbuck or Officer Sun…they're from "Battlestar Galactica" and "Farscape." [_Slowly looks away, his Vulcan mind churning_…]

* * *

><p><strong>HALLWAY: <strong>

"**Chevrolet:"** Warp Core…right. Oh, wait, B'Zooka… [_Snaps fingers. Then takes out Myway's badge, and does a Myway impression_.] Myway to Tourguide. Would you be a dear, and check up on how our show's ratings are doing?

**B'Zooka: [V.O.]** Ratings? Why? We're a big-name sic-fi show running in the '90s. Our audience is a bunch of carefree pre-teens, who'll cling to us with a vicious nostalgia for the rest of their lives. What do we care about our ratings?

"**Myway:"** B'zooka, did I ever tell you about a lovely little show called "FIREFLY?"

**B'Zooka:** I'll get right on it!

[_The Doc pulls off the Elvis wig, and trades it for the Myway one. He wipes off the tattoo, and draws on Clingon forehead ridges. He turns his red command shirt inside-out, so it's now gold, and with a stuffed womanly chest. Then he stuffs the Elvis wig under his shirt, to appear pregnant. He sneaks down the hall…but bumps right into the real B'Zooka_!]

**B'Zooka:** Who the hell are you?!

"**B'Zooka:"** I'm…a…shape-shifting alien, trying to lure the ship into a death-trap?

**B'Zooka:** Oh.

[_B'Zooka walks off, relieved that it's nothing out of the ordinary. "B'Zooka" continues to Engineering_.]

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING: <strong>

**Vulcan Ensign Forklift: **Lt. Tourgide, have you spoken to the Captain about my request for another cameo?

**B'Zooka:** What? Er…of course. As you were, Ensign. [_Goes to the cool elevator and rides up to Level 2_.]

**Forklift:** She didn't call me a "green-blooded-hobgoblin" today, nor threaten to break my ears off and make me eat them. How suspicious. [_Strokes chin_]

**Tim Parsnip:** B'Zooka! There you are! You won't believe what I was just reading! It was this crazy fan-fiction website, full of erotic crack-fics! [_Smooches "B'Zooka," hard_.] Wanna drumstick?

"**B'Zooka:"** [Turning green]: Erm, no…I…gotta run.

[_The Doc runs outside into the hall, and quickly switches back to his Chevrolet disguise. Ensign Dim sees him, and runs over_.]

**Fairly Dim:** Commander! I need to talk to you! I was checking the ship's morgue—I thought maybe I'd left my clarinet there, you know, one of the times I died this month—and I found you inside there unconscious!—Wait.

[_"Chevrolet" smacks Dim with the Starfleet Sedation coconut. He drags the unconscious dweeb to the morgue, and stuffs him in the drawer with Chevrolet_. _He then runs down the hall, and bumps into Tuvacca_]

"**Chevrolet:"** Tuvacca! This order may sound strange, but we're going to have to eject the Warp Co—

[_Tuvacca lifts the wig off of the Doctor's head, and stares at him, unimpressed_.]

**Tuvacca: **Precisely what the frell do you think you're doing, The Doctor?

[_The Doctor bolts. Tuvacca chases him around the hallway. They run in and out of doors, while Beatles music plays, a la "Scooby Doo." The whole time, the Doc changing from himself to Myway to Chevrolet to B'Zooka. The Doc finally runs into the holodeck. When Tuvacca gets in there, the room is packed with Docs_!]

**Tuvacca: **I suspect none of you is the real The Doctor.

**Doc Clones: **Correct.

[_The Docs all done sunglasses, and charge at Tuvacca. Tuvacca spends the next five minutes battling them with kung-fo, super-jumps, and wall-kicks, while techno music plays from nowhere. Meanwhile, the real Doc is in a shuttle, tugging the Warp Core with dental floss, whistling "Steamboat Willey."_]

* * *

><p><strong>PIGANOID SHIP: <strong>

[_The Warp Core is perched in the center of the Pig ship. The two piganoids sit in front of it in beanbag chairs, smoking joints_. _The Doc and Myway are in beanbag chairs too, tied up with Duct tape._]

**Piganoid Captain: **This…is a GROOVY lava lamp…Well done, Doc.

**Doctor: **Frogger can survive without a Warp Core, but not without a captain!

**Myway:** What're Chevrolet, Tuvacca, and the Night Shift Dweeb for?

**Doctor:** Oh. I s'pose I hadn't thought of that. Actually, I think I rendered most of your command seconds unconscious…

**Myway: **You're the "genius hologram" in charge of everyone's safety?

**Doctor: **Hey, if you could make a dweeb and an outlaw into command officers, why can't you find anyone among 200 scientists who could become assistants for me, aside from the pilot?

**Myway:** I…shut up!

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER'S MORGUE: <strong>

[_Tim Parsnip and B'Zooka have found Chevrolet and Dim's sleeping bodies, and are going through their pockets. From Dim's pocket, Tim pulls change, a candy bar, a bag of blue powder labeled "spice," and some lint. B'Zooka looks at Chevrolet, then carefully peels off his tattoo. (Not the skin, just the blue tattoo.) She stops short of putting it over her Klingon ridges, and tries to find another spot for it, on her cheek, shoulder, hand…Until Dim and Chevrolet groan and blink awake_.]

**Chevrolet:** What are you doing?

**B'Zooka & Parsnip:** Uh…

[_Chevrolet swipes back his tattoo and presses it back onto his face. Tim bashfully hands Fairly back his stuff_.]

**Chevrolet:** So what is it this time. Alien intruder? Radiation insanity?

**Tim Parsnip:** Try, holo-Doc being forced to act under orders of Piganoids holding the captain hostage. He knocked you both unconscious, and stuffed you here for safe keeping.

**Fairly Dim:** Unconscious? Huh. I just figured I died again.

[_Suddenly, music fills the ship. It's a romantic show tune, from some kind of musical_. _Telephone Line bursts into the room_.]

**Telephone Line: **I know this tune. The Doctor and I have sung it together. It's "The Song That Goes Like This," from Monty Python's "Spammalot." Several of these notes are off, and there seems to be a pattern. I believe the Doctor is sending us a coded message, of sorts.

[_The Doc's message takes Frogger to the Pig ship, where the Piganoids are defeated in an embarrassingly easy manner_. _The Warp Core is returned to Frogger, and the hair on the Doc's Myway wig is returned to the captain's head._]

* * *

><p><strong>HOLODECK: <strong>

**B'Zooka:** Looks like the Pigs tried to download a bunch of music files, videos, and Tacco sauce into your program, Doc. You might destabilize and basically die. But given that you're a Regular, I don't think that's likely.

**Doctor: **I could still die of shame! Since I'm already so embarrassed, I'll make a few deathbed confessions. Telephone Line, I secretly love you _exactly_ enough to make a fool of myself in comic-relief episodes, but not quite enough to ever propose in a serious manner.

[_Telephone stares, unimpressed. Then she turns to Chevrolet. _]

**Telephone Line: **Commander, are you single?

**Doctor:** Tuvacca! I'm sorry. I told Mr. Cakemix about the tumor you developed on your…

**Tuvacca:** …

**Chevrolet:** [_Snickers_]

**Doctor:** Chevrolet! On our last communication to Earth, I told your mother about the snake tattoo you got on your…

**Chevrolet: **[_Stops laughing_]

**Doctor:** Ensign Dim! When you and Mr. Parsnip spent all those nights alone in your quarters to practice your saxophone playing, I once told Ensign Wildthing that what I heard sounded more like two banthas in heat. I'm so, so sorry. I'm sure you're playing will improve with practice!

[_Fairly Dim and Tim Parsnip exchange an embarrassed glance. B'Zooka stares at them, then rolls her eyes_.]

**B'Zooka: **Well Doc, your program's fixed. You'll be fine.

**Doctor:** Well this is embarrassing.

**Tim Parnsip: **Hey Doc…did you have anything _serious_ to confess?

**Doctor:** Let me think…nope. Just comedy gags. Wait, I take that back. I have a list of questionable command decisions that Captain Myway has made, in case she ever goes to court when we return to Earth.

[_Everyone's attention is caught by this_.]

**B'Zooka:** Must be a long list!

**Myway:** …of…decisions I made…mostly in our early seasons, when our show wasn't so great anyway, right? [_Laughs nervously_]

**Chevrolet:** So if some of us, say, were put on trial for mutinying against her orders on a regular basis, you might be able to help us out with some counter arguments…?

**Fairly Dim:** Hey, that'd be a really cool story for someone to write, like, after we get back to Earth and all that!

**Tim Parsnip:** This sounds like the beginning of a beautiful fan-fiction!

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY: <strong>

**Doctor: **So now that we've bonded and all, Captain, would you consider…becoming friends?

**Myway: **"Friends" as in…people…who…stay in the same room together? For more than ten minutes? Well erm… [_Checks episode guide, to see how many episodes are left before "Endgame," then brightens_.] All right, sure! From now to the end of our journey, let's be best friends!

**THE END**


	28. Workforce

**SPOOF TREK: FROGGER**

"**Walmart" **

(Spoofing "Workforce," Season 7)

**Summary:** A sinister company brainwashes the Frogger crew into being their mind-slaves! It's up to Commander Studmuffin and the Hedgehog to retrieve the crew and restore their memories.

* * *

><p><strong>SCENE 1: Alien Planet <strong>

[_We open to a city that bears a striking resemblance to Couresant of "Star Wars," except the aliens suck. We zoom in on a massive, futuristic Walmart, with a red neon "HELP WANTED" sign glowing above it. Various Frogger crewmembers are seen, wearing colorful, shinny Disco outfits, all with the smiley Walmart logo on the chest_.]

**Kathryn Myway: **Woa-god, this crate's heavy… [_Trying to lift a crate labeled "Spice Energy Drink: Blueberry Dune._"] I don't think I can…waaa!

[_Myway falls, spilling blue fizzy stuff all over the floor, and spraining her wrist. Telephone Line clops over on pinchy high heels, and snooty librarian glasses._]

**Telephone Line: **YOU swab! We cannot tolerate inefficiency here at Wally-World! Mop this up instantly, or you will find yourself UNEMPLOYED!

**Kathryn Myway:** All-RIGHT Mrs. Efficiency Monitor, you don't have to be such a bitch about it!

**Telephone Line: **I'm afraid that I do. When I first got this job I was kind to everyone, and my male superiors warned me that my feminine weakness would get me the sack. Of course, now they're accusing me of being too bitchy and butch, so it's a bit of a lose-lose situation. [_Walks off, and begins shouting at other employees_.]

**Myway:** Sheeesh! At least this is better than my last job.

[_A gray-haired man approaches Myway. Like most aliens on this planet, he's identical to a human, except for some ridges on his forehead that look like the letter "A", for "alien."_]

**Alien Man:** What was that?

**Myway: **My last job? Middle school teacher.

**Alien Man:** [_Shudders_.] Well, welcome to the Wally-team. I'm Jakauf. And…I'm partial to women with large hair. [_Blushes_]

**Myway:** Well…I'm Kathryn Myway. And I'm partial to gray-haired men who are humble and simple, not burdened with silly things like personalities. [_Blushes and giggles_.]

* * *

><p><strong>SPACE! <strong>

[_The spiffed-up shuttlecraft Delta Lightning zips by, the lightning bolt on its hull freshly repainted. The license plate reads "QKNOWS." Above the helm, under the viewscreen, dangles several key chains; a Star Freak com. Badge, a tiny dream catcher, and a "Captain Proton!" bouncy ball_.]

**Chevrolet: **First Officer's log, stardate 24601: The boys and I have completed another away mission. This week, we ventured to the planet of the Iguana People, where we traded several crates of leola root for bags of coffee and Pepsi pro—

**Cakemix: **Hey careful there Keanu Reeves, yousa almost showin' some emotion!

**Fairly Dim: **Commander what is it with you? It's like five days out of the week you act like a normal person, but then every once in a while you get this attack of "monotone syndrome" or something.

**Chevrolet: **[_Sigh_.] I suppose I may as well tell you guys. Years ago, when I was a cadet, I had a vision quest go horribly wrong. Now, about once every two or three weeks, I get possessed by the ghost of Nicolas Cage. Some Catholic priests once offered to exercise me, but they seemed more interested in tying me up and using the whip than expelling the demon, and their "holy water" bore a striking resemblance to vegetable oil. Then I noticed that these "priests" were my young female classmates. Man, I miss those Academy nights sometimes…!

**Fairly Dim:** Uuuugh I'm gonna be sick!

**Cakemix: **What yousa so green in the face for, Fairly? Mesa been here the whole time to keep y'all company! Come, hugs, hugs around!

**Fairly Dim: **[_Muffled by Cakemix's crushing_ _hug_] Thank god this mission's finally over!

**Chevrolet:** Maybe not. I can't find Frogger!

**Fairly Dim:** WHAT?!

**Cakemix:** That's okay! Wesa can pass the time by singing the Muffin Man song! _Ooooh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea…! _

**Dim:** Chevrolet, orders?

**Chevrolet:** [_monotone_] We're gonna steal it.

**Dim:** Huh?

**Chevrolet:** We're gonna steal the Declaration of Independence.

[D_im stares; then slaps Chevrolet hard across the face. Chevrolet shakes his head, and sits up, suddenly himself again_.]

**Chevrolet:** Search for a warp signature and follow it! Lock n' load phasers! We'll find our people!

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER'S BRIDGE: <strong>

[_Smoke is everywhere. Chevrolet, Dim and Cakemix enter, wearing spacesuits. They look around curiously. The Doctor suddenly pounces from behind the captain's chair, and knocks Dim to the ground with a karate kick_.]

**Chevrolet:** Cool it The Doctor, it's us.

**The Doctor:** Commander! My apologies! I'm a bit paranoid. The moment you four left for your mission, things went horribly wrong! ….Where's that flashback button…ah!

[_The Doc presses a button on Myway's chair, and we see everything go squiggly, fading into a flashback. We see Captain Myway, Tuvacca, The Doctor, Tim Parsnip, B'Zooka Tourguide, Telephone Line, Ensign Spam Wildthing, Naomi Wildthing, the Bored children, and several others gathered on the bridge, with chips and popcorn. Many are wearing princess hats, pirate hats, paper crowns, or feathered Shakespeare hats_.]

**The Doctor [V.O.]:** We were all on the bridge. Since you manly-men were away for the weekend, the rest of us decided to have a "Once Upon a Time" marathon. (Mr. Parsnip wasn't enthusiastic, but he went along with it.) Well, we'd just gotten to the episode where Prince Charming made a deal with Rumpelstiltskin to find the Secret of the Beans, but he didn't realize that Rumple was secretly still working with the Evil Queen, who was also working with Captain Hook, except Hook was really working for Pinocchio—

**Chevrolet [V.O.]:** The Doctor, spare us. Please.

**The Doctor [V.O.]: **Sorry. Anyway…

[_On the view screen, we see various fairy tale characters in modern clothing, talking dramatically about "saving the beans," "stopping the Evil Queen from finding out about the beans," and "power of the beans." Then, suddenly, green smoke erupts all over the bridge!_]

**Naomi Wildthing:** [_Cough_] Smells like someone was _eating_ magic beans!

**B'Zooka:** According to my scans, this gas is toxic!

**Captain Myway:** Looks like we'll have to abandon ship. Again. [_Sigh_.] Escape pods everyone. Not you, The Doctor. Computer, activate Emergency Command Character! You've waited a long time for this chance; the ship and the TV are both yours. Good luck!

[_Insert clips from "Star Wars" of escape pods blasting off._]

* * *

><p><strong>END FLASHBACK <strong>

**The Doctor:** I was anticipating my very own episode, where I track down the crew and protect the ship singlehandedly! …and then twelve and a half minutes later, you three showed up. Guess it's Commander Stud Muffin to the rescue, like usual.

**Chevrolet: **Yep. Fairly, hail the ship guarding that planet over there. The escape pods' warp signatures all trace over in that direction…or something.

[_They hail the alien ship. On the view screen appears a rubber-forehead douche_. _It's a teenager, clearly working his first job, munching on Cheetos and texting._]

**Rubber Forehead Douche: **What.

**Chevrolet: **I'm Commander Chevrolet of the starship Frogger. Have you seen about 150 humanoids in uniforms like mine, in escape pods, recently?

**Rubber Forehead Douche:** Yes, yes I have and…[_Squints, thinking hard_]…and they…stopped by for coffee and then vanished without a…? No no, they…showed up and we captured and brainwashed…wait no…. [_whimper_] Can we start over?

**Chevrolet: **[_Smiles gently_] Perfectly alright kid. Have a nice day, Chevrolet out. [_Kills the transmission, and sighs_.] God DAMMIT. Another alien brainwashing plot…and this time on the whole damn crew! We need to go back down to that planet. I'll need a disguise, since they've already seen me and know my name.

**Fairly Dim:** Maybe you and me could disguise in our "Year of Doodoo" looks. You know, with the messy bangs, and the mustache,

**Chevrolet:** Fairly, this is no time for fan service. And it's no time for you to get killed again either. You're staying up here on Frogger, out of danger. And the Doctor will stay with you, just in case something on board tries to kill you. Cakemix and I will go to the planet.

**The** **Doctor:** I'll get some disguises prepared for you two at once…!

[_One scene later, Chevrolet is wearing a fake glasses-nose-and-mustache disguise. Cakemix walks out, in a rubber Richard Nixon mask_.]

**Cakemix:** Wesa gonna be invisible!

**Chevrolet:** ….

* * *

><p><strong>ALIEN DINER: <strong>

[_Chevrolet and Cakemix go to a pub located inside the Walmart. Here, they find several Frogger shipmates as workers and customers, all wearing those weird Disco work_ _suits_.]

**Tuvacca:** …and then the captain says, "that's no Ferangi, that's my wife!"

[_Tuvacca laughs, and swigs alien brandy. His crowd of friends laugh at his joke. Not far away, little Naomi Wildthing is sweeping the floor, wearing rags and a French barrette_.]

**Naomi Wildthing:** _There is a castle on a cloud…I like to go there in my sleep…_

[_Cakemix and Chevrolet go to talk to Tim Parsnip, who is bartending._]

**Tim Parsnip:** …Parsnip, Tim Parsnip. I love bartending! And I hate space travel.

**Cakemix:** [_Whispers_] They-sa brainwashed these people with the same names?

**Chevrolet:** [_Whispers_] What kind of tribble-brained imbeciles would try to hide someone's identity without even changing the name?

[_Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker pass by. Obi-Wan freezes when he hears this conversation, and looks at Luke, wide-eyed._]

**Brian Griffin: **Hey! Waiter! Whose leg to I have ta' hump ta' get a dry martini around here?!

**Tim Parsnip:** Sorry! Geeze. [_Fills Brian's glass_.]

[_B'Zooka Tourguide walks in_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Hey, hot stuff! What kind of drink can I fix up for y—oh, wow, you're pregnant! Never mind.

**B'Zooka: **Yep. I'd say I've done enough drinking in my life. [_Sigh_.] If I could only find the father and slap him with a paternity suit. And my fists!

**Tim Parsnip:** Haha, man, I sure don't envy that jerk! Here's a kiddy cocktail, on the house….

[_Meanwhile, Chevrolet has found Captain Myway and her alien boyfriend Jerkoff _]

**Myway:** Nice to meet you, Mr. Volkswagen Beatle. I'm Kathryn Myway. And this is my new boyfriend, Jerkoff . We met yesterday and now we're moving in together! It was love at first sight!

**Jerkoff :** Did you know that Walmart has the highest recorded rates for "love at first sight"?

**Chevrolet:** I'm shocked.

[_Myway and Jerkoff begin smooching, and soon vanish under the table. Chevrolet stares behind his nose-and-'stache disguise, unmoved. Cakemix taps his shoulder, making him jump and yelp._]

**Chevrolet: **AAAH! Oh, it's you.

**Cakemix:** [_lifts his Nixon mask_] Commander, how wesa gonna get all 200 shipmates back to Frogger, and restore their memories?

**Chevrolet:** I'm not sure. Who knows if there's anything left of the real Kathryn Myway, or B'Zooka Tourguide, or Tuvacca—

[_Suddenly, a commotion is heard. Two men in white coats are trying to restrain Tuvacca, who is shouting madly_.]

**Tuvacca: **WE DO NOT BELONG HERE! SOMETHING! IS NOT RIGHT! _IT'S A CONSPIIIIRACY!_

**Chevrolet: **[_Smiles_] Hey, Tuvacca's going crazy again! I guess they are still themselves, somewhere deep down.

[_In his madness, Tuvacca grabs B'Zooka's Kiddie Cock-tail and attempts a mind-meld._]

**Tuvacca:** My mind…to your mind…your bubbly suds…to my mouth! I CAN HELP YOU CONTROL THE MADNESS, MR. SCOOTER!

**B'Zooka:** I'm done. [_Gets up and leaves_.]

**Cakemix:** B'Zooka!

**Chevrolet:** We have to get her back! She's the coolest person on our show! Without her our series is doomed! Come on.

[_Neelix and Chevrolet run out of the café after B'Zooka. No on_e _notices_, _because Tim Parsnip is now dancing drunkenly on a table, while leading the entire bar in a reenactment of "Master of the House" from "Le Mis."_]

* * *

><p><strong>STREET: <strong>

**Cakemix: **Psst, B'Zooka, it's us! [_Removes Richard Nixon mask_]

**Chevrolet: **B'Zooka, come with me, we're here to rescue—

**B'Zooka:** YA!

[_She smacks Chevrolet with her hand, and knocks him to the ground with her Clingon strength! Oddly enough though, Cakemix is able to overpower her. This is because she's so baffled by how freaky looking he is, that he's able to get the upper hand. Cakemix and B'Zooka are beamed back to Frogger, but Chevrolet is not_.]

**Chevrolet:** Chevrolet to Frogger! Hey, aren't you forgetting someone?!

**Fairly Dim: **Sorry, transporters conveniently went offline. I guess I could take a shuttle down and pick you up, but I'm afraid I'll crash or get shot down and die again.

[_Chevrolet groans, dropping into a face-palm. An alien guard comes up behind him with a laser gun_.]

**Guard:** Hey! You! You're up to something! Move and you're dead!

[_Without breaking his face-palm, Chevrolet punches the guard with his free hand, knocking him out cold. The laser gun goes off when it hits the ground however, hitting him in the shoulder_.]

**Chevrolet: **OW!

* * *

><p><strong>SICKBAY:<strong>

[_The Doctor and Cakemix stand over B'Zooka, who is asleep_.]

**The Doctor:** …you're saying the fiends made Mr. Parsnip's wife believe she was an unwedded whore?

**Cakemix: **Yep. Can yousa fix her?

**The Doctor:** I could try rearranging her cranial molecules. [_Picks up his trusted coconut_.]

**Cakemix:** Um, actually Doc, mesa got a better idea. Why don't my give B'Zooka a tour of her own life!

**The Doctor: **Well I suppose that works too.

* * *

><p><strong>ALIEN BAR: <strong>

[_Chevrolet has stumbled back to the bar, to hide in the crowd. He sits at a table in the corner, holding his wounded arm. The alien band from "Star Wars" plays, helped by Scorpius and the crab-like Pilot from "Farscape," who play the drums. Myway suddenly stops by Chevrolet's table_.]

**Myway:** Mr. Chevrolet! You don't look so good.

**Chevrolet:** [_Holding his arm, which is squirting blood like the Black Knight from "Monty Python"_] I'm, uh, just tired.

**Myway:** All-righty then. I gotta get going. I'm brining my junk over to Jerkoff 's padd, and I need to finish up before any cat-burglars sneak into my place to hide from the law or something! [_Leaves_]

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER: TIM AND B'ZOOKA'S QUARTERS: <strong>

**B'Zooka: **You're saying I used to live here?

**Cakemix: **Yes! You and your husband!

**B'Zooka:** Husband? You mean I'm not an unmarried Wisconsinite who got knocked up at a Drunken Barn festival?

**Cakemix:** Er…no. Yousa a badass Chief Engineer aboard a starship, who married the flyboy pilot! Look around!

**B'Zooka:** This is the TV…Tim watches "Spongebob" and "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" on it…and this is the Pi'Za Slicer, that the Clingon Captain gave my unborn daughter…and here's Midol's crib!

[_B'Zooka leans over the baby-crib. Above it is a mobile, dangling miniatures of the U.S.S. Frogger, Captain Flirt's Freedomfries, Captain Pick-a-card's Freedomfries, a Clingon war-bird, the Millennium Falcon, Moya, the Battlestar Galactica, the Lexx, and Lonestar's Winnebego_.]

**B'Zooka:** …And I know you too Hedgehog! You once said, that if I ever needed to unleash my anger…

**Cakemix:** Yes? You're remembering more? [_Wags his tail hopefully_]

**B'Zooka:** I'm not sure why, but I have the urge to do this.

[_B'Zooka begins kicking Cakemix around like a soccer ball_.]

**Cakemix:** My knew yousa would remember!

* * *

><p><strong>ALIEN APARTMENT COMPLEX: <strong>

[_Myway is in Jerkoff 's apartment, unpacking her seven boxes of coffee mugs and coffee pots._]

**Jerkoff : **My god Kathy, I've never seen so many coffee mugs in my life! Hey, where are you going?

**Myway:** To get my bags of coffee!

[_Myway goes across the hall to her own apartment. She leaves the lights off, for some reason. She picks up a blanket, and finds it's wet._]

**Myway:** Hmm. Is it that time of the month already?

[_She claps on the lights. Chevrolet is in the corner! He's holding his bleeding arm, panting, his bangs falling over his face._]

**Chevrolet: **Don't tell anyone I'm here! My bangs are messy, I'm injured and sweaty, if my fangirls know I'm here….an hour ago some of them caught me in that restaurant and I was almost hickey-ed to death, I just barely escaped with my life—

**Myway:** Why would a dope like you have fan-girls?

**Chevrolet: **[_Removes his mustache-and-glasses disguise_] Because I'm the sidekick on a sci-fi series. And…you're the star.

**Myway: **Wat.

**Chevrolet:** It's the truth! You're Captin Kathryn Myway, of the Federation Starship Frogger! You've been lost in space for almost seven years! You integrated rebels, aliens, a hologram, a Bored drone, and a dweeb into your senior staff! You've saved the galaxy uncounted times!

**Myway:** Pfft. You should've told me I'm the leader of a lesbian prison gang, or a CSI team leader with an eye-patch. I _might've_ believed that!

[_Chevrolet looks at her solemnly. Then he drags himself to her computer and You-Tubes "Spoof Trek: Frogger." Myway's eyes widen, as she watches a montage video of her adventures on Frogger_.]

**Myway:** I've blown up my own ship? Twice? Three times? Fou—I liked to blow up my own ship a lot? …That crazy Vulcan guy, he's my friend!...and…he goes crazy a LOT….and…I'm a mother? Of…three orange lizard-things?

**Chevrolet: **[_Hastily closes the video_] The details aren't important. What matters is…I'm about to pass out from blood loss.

**Myway:** Wait here! I'll get help.

* * *

><p><strong>JACKAUFF'S APARTMENT: <strong>

**Jackauff: **Kathy let me get this straight; you're helping this clown?

[_Some security guards suddenly enter the apartment_.]

**Head Guard:** I'm Inspector Urine. Not a pretty name, I know. But that is my name in the real. Actual. Episode. Seriously. The real episode "Workforce" has an alien. Named. Urine.

**Myway:** Yuck.

**Urine:** Have you seen this idiot?

[_He shows her a wanted poster of Chevrolet_, _in his disguise. The award is a $5.00 Walmart gift card._]

**Myway:** I've never seen that freak in my life.

**Jackauff:** He's in the apartment across the hall.

**Myway:** Jackafuff! You're such a…jackoff.

[_The guards head for Myway's pad_.]

**Urine:** Listen, squad. We want this guy alive. So no shooting in the head or chest. Aim for his tummy.

**Guards:** Right-o.

[_They burst in, but as expected, the new guy aims way too low. Chevrolet collapses, clutching his fried Borg Spheres_ _and Warp Core_.]

* * *

><p><strong>HOSPITAL: <strong>

[_Chevrolet is strapped to a bed, being interrogated by Urine and some other guards_.]

**Chevrolet:** Why am I in a hospital? Shouldn't we be having this conversation at a desk in a police station, or something? And why the straps? You could just point a gun at me and tell me not to move.

**Urine:** Ho-_ho_! You must be new around here. The punishment for revealing the truth of our sinister plan is, we force you to provide fan service! Of course, you already had the sexy hair, and your actor won't take his clothes off, so the bondage was about all we could do.

**Chevrolet:** These straps look like Velcro.

**Urine:** No! They are an alien material far stronger than your human mind can fathom. Don't bother struggling, you'll only chafe your beautiful biceps. Let's get down to beeswax. Um…where were you on the night of the crime?!

**Chevrolet:** [_Rolls eyes_] On my cousin's nerf farm making love to a bantha.

**Urine:** Crimey, that's disguising! This guy's out of his tree. Take him to the Ward for Lunatics and fry his brain.

**Chevrolet:** If you think these pathetic Velcro straps will hold me…

[_Three young nurses in miniskirts suddenly show up, and start wheeling him out of the room_.]

**Chevrolet:** …You're right! [_Goes limp, very happily_.]

* * *

><p><strong>WALLMART CAFÉ: <strong>

[_Telephone Line, Tim Parsnip, Myway, and Jackafuff are at a table, discussing a plan over coffee_.]

**Telephone Line: **I began to suspect the life I'm living was a lie, when I realized that this work uniform feels far too loose, and breathing seems far too easy.

**Myway: **So where are Tuvacca and Chevrolet now?

**Telephone Line: **Both have been captured and bondage-fied.

**Myway: **Damn. That leaves us four to figure out how to restore everyone's memories, and free everybody!

**Jerkoff :** Well that's easy, you just have to hit the Reset Button.

**Myway:** The what?

**Jerkoff :** The Reset Button. The thing every evil mastermind of every sci-fi series or film has, located somewhere on his doomsday device. Hit the big red button, and that makes everything get better.

**Tim Parship:** How about this! Telephone Line sneaks into the hospital, works her huge tracks of land on the guards, and gets in and frees Tuvacca and Chevrolet. Myway and Jerkoff, you find the big red button. And I'll…eh…do something forgettable.

* * *

><p><strong>HOSPITAL: <strong>

[_To Chevrolet's disappointment, the nurses do not want to play doctor with him. Instead, they simply bring him to a dark room, where victims strapped to beds are hooked up to tinfoil-head-devices, being manned by scientists and hunchbacks_.]

**Chevrolet:** Am I doing anything here, besides fulfilling teenage she-Trekkies' kinky fantasies?

**Doc Brown:** Yes! You're helping us lure your friends into a trap! [_Applying a tin-foil cap to Chevrolet's head_]

**FROGGER: **

[_While Cakemix helps B'Zooka regain her memories, the Doctor has been watching Fairly Dim, to fix any damage done by the ensign's usual random bad luck._]

**Fairly Dim: **Seriously, WHO left a Cluster Lizard in the men's bathroom?

**The Doctor:** Hold still, Ensign. [_Fusing Dim's severed arm back on_.] The creature probably found its way onboard when the gas from that nebula in my flashback leaked in.

**Dim:** [_Looking at his consol_] Hey, Chevrolet's contacting us!

**Chevrolet: [V.O.] **Hey ma peeps! There's, like, a really bumpin' nebula over at yey coordinates. You should, like, fly there. Or something.

[_Dim and the Doc exchange a glance_.]

**Fairly Dim: **I have an idea…

[_They fly into the trap, and as they expected, are fired on by Walmart ships (which look like giant smiley-faces, shooting lasers from their eyes). Dim masks all the life-signs on the ship, then ejects escape pods filled with bombs. The attacking ships are blown up, in an exploding moment of awesome_.]

**Fairly Dim:** Commanding night shifts, changing history to save Frogger, saving baby Naomi Wildthing from an exploding ship, doing a Bored vessel in with a torpedo-bomb, and now kamikaze escape pods! Think I'm due for a promotion, Doc?

**Doctor:** I'm sure the Captain will remember to promote you, right after she finishes finding me a fulltime nurse, and remembers to tell her best friend Chevrolet how sorry she is that all his Mosquito friends were killed.

**Fairly Dim:** Man…her attention span's as bad as mine. [_Points to an alien creature hiding behind the consol_] Hey look Doc, a Cluster Lizard! Isn't it cute…?

* * *

><p><strong>EVIL HOSPITAL: <strong>

[_Telephone Line marches in, dressed in a very provocative business suit, with a tiny skirt and a low top. When a shirtless man with a pyramid-shaped cadge over his head tries to cut her with a sword, she shoves him away with her Bored strength, not even looking at him. She goes to the desk, where sits the same dopey teenager who we saw Chevrolet confront at the beginning._]

**Telephone Line: **Oh doctor. My implants hurt. Will you please examine them for me. Massage therapy may be in order.

**Intern: **I'm—I'm not technically a doctooOOOOOH!

[_Telephone is flashing him, her face totally unmoved_.]

**Intern:** I'll just, uh, find someplace private…

* * *

><p><strong>WALLY-WORLD: <strong>

[_The sneaky part of the "James Bond" theme plays, as Myway and Jerkoff sneak around, searching for the Big Red Button. Something dramatic happens, probably involving firefights and confrontations with bad guys, but it's SPOOF TREK "action" so no one cares. After the audience has returned from their potty break with fresh popcorn, they see that Myway and Jerkoff have succeeded in shutting off the Big Red Button, defeating the villains._]

* * *

><p><strong>BRAINWASHING WARD: <strong>

[_Chevrolet and Tuvacca are still strapped to beds_. _Tuvacca is crazily singing The Cake Song to himself. Chevrolet sighs with agitation, as his gorgeous nurse sits nearby reading a "Lesbian Life" magazine. Suddenly, voices are heard outside the door._]

**Telephone Line [V.O.]: **…allow me to enter this room, and I will reward you with a kiss.

**Intern [V.O.]: **Cool! Then I, like, won't be a virgin anymore!

[_The door opens, and they enter. The intern snorts and giggles and blushes, until Telephone punches him unconscious._]

**Telephone Line: **Commander Chevrolet. Commander Tuvacca. You realize those straps are Velcro.

**Chevrolet: **Oh. Yeah.

[_Tuvacca and Chevrolet sit up, breaking free of their flimsy restraints, and hurry up the stairs with Telephone. The lesbian nurse shows mild interest in Telephone's butt, but returns her attention to the green Orion slave girl in her magazine._]

* * *

><p><strong>FROGGER'S BRIDGE: <strong>

[_Myway and Chevrolet sit in their chairs. On the view screen is the President of the Rubber Douche Planet, wearing a formal business top. As he paces around the screen, his "Spoof Trek: The Original Series" boxers make it clear that he has forgotten to wear pants again._]

**President:** Captain Myway, I apologize for the inconvenience our shady hiring managers caused you, with their illegal brainwashing techniques.

**Myway:** Don't worry, it happens all the time for us, hehe...no, seriously. It happens. All. The time.

**Chevrolet: **I'm glad the Doc and Cakemix were able to restore B'Zooka's memories. I hope the rest of the crew gets theirs back just as quickly.

* * *

><p><strong>ENGINEERING: <strong>

[_The Doc and Cakemix are leading the entire crew in a tour of the ship._]

**Doctor:** And here is the spot where Mr. Cakemix once annoyed someone. And over here is where Lt. Tourguide broke Lt. Carrey's nose.

**Lt. Jim Carrey: **Hey, riddle me this! Why can I remember getting punched by a lady with a weird forehead, who I don't even know? Wait…Lt. Tourgide! Engineering! It's coming back!

[_The Doc and Cakemix beam_.]

* * *

><p><strong>THE READY FOR A HEARTBREAK ROOM: <strong>

**Jerkoff : **Well, I went to find out if I'd been brainwashed too, and I guess I wasn't. They told me you need a brain to get brainwashed.

**Myway: **[_Puppy eyes_] That's wonderful, Jerkoff!

**Jerkoff :** So, can I join your crew?

**Myway:** [_Sadly_] I wish I could allow that…but as the star of a "Trek" series…I can only take on crewmembers with the potential to become interesting. [_Gulp_.] We have to say goodbye, Jerkoff.

* * *

><p><strong>TIM AND B'ZOOKA'S QUARTERS: <strong>

**TV: "**_Say Terrance! What did the Vulcan logician say to the Bajerkan monk?" "I don't know Phillip! What?" "FRAAAAAAAP!" "AHAHAHAHAHAHA…"_

**Tim Parsnip: **how did I ever live without cartoons!

**B'Zooka: **[_Punches his arm_.] That's for flirting with other women! But this is for making great martinis. [_Smooches him_.]

**THE END**


End file.
